/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R) **/
Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight®A voice crackles out from the school's announcement system.
*click* :: Testing…testing. WILL ALL FAMOUS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS PLEASE REPORT TO THE MAIN DINING HALL…*static*… I REPEAT. WILL ALL FAMOUS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS REPORT TO THE DINING HALL. *click*
*click* :: NOW! *click*
~@~
"BLOODY HELL! WHAT IS IT???!!!" Slamming his book down hard on the pitiful desk, our famous unfriendly neighbourhood Potions Master stands up angrily and stalks out of his office. While muttering curses, hexes and whatnots, Severus Snape also manages to conjure a hundred different and painful ways to kill the announcer with a toothpick. Ok, that's a tad exaggerated. Two toothpicks.
~@~
All famous characters are now at the dining hall awaiting instructions. Author takes out checklist and is ticking away at the little boxes beside the names.
:: Ok, when I call out your names, just acknowledge. Albus?
"Yes."
:: *tick* Ok… And stop hogging the bowl of gummi bears please. Thank you. Next is Minerva?
"Present."
:: Good good. *tick* Severus?
*silence*
:: Severus? Severus Snape?
*silence*
:: Helloo? Has anybody seen Sev-
*soft whisper "yes…"*
:: Erm. Did I hear something? Severus, is that you? Hello?
The students and teachers look around curiously.
"YES! YES! I'm here! DAMMIT!"
Author spots robed figure hiding right at the back, grumbling away.
:: *brightly* Oh there you are!! *tick*
Tickings…
:: Alright, all NEEDED professors are present. Now for the students… Harry and his sidekicks?
"Right here!"
:: Okay. *tick* *tick* *tick* Draco Malfoy?
"Yess?"
:: Keep on sneering blonde boy and you're out. *tick*
"Sorry…" Draco mutters sullenly.
:: Crab and Goyle??
"Yes!!"
:: NO!! What the hell are the two of you doing here? I said FAMOUS CHARACTERS! OUT! NOW!
"Hey! They go where I go! My fath-"
:: Oh please. I call the shots here now, not dear daddy. So… They go where you go eh? Alrighty. *smiles sweetly*
Author whips out script book, grins and scribbles on it.
:: Crabb and Goyle, you're in.
The three Slytherins smirk as one.
More tickings…
:: Ok, last but not least, Filch?
"I'm down here. Eh… Mrs Norris can join us too right?"
:: *sigh* Can't you do ANYTHING without that blasted cat??
*blank look*
:: *double sigh* Yes, yes, whatever. Bring your cat, your dog, your goldfish… I don't care… *tick*
Author stands up and looks around.
:: I have good news and better news. Which one is it?
"GOOD!!!" All except Severus yell out.
:: Fine. Good news is… I have written a new story for you all to be in!! And we will be filming it!
*loud cheers all about*
:: Good to see everybody is so enthusiastic! The better news is…
*all except Severus wait with bated breath*
:: IT WILL BE A SPECIAL FAIRY TALE!!! *beams around*
*silence*
:: WHAT?? Oh come on, you WILL love it! And besides… It's. An. Order. *cold look*
*weak claps*
:: A-HA!! You love me! You really love me!!
*weaker claps*
:: Each of you will receive a script book (already automatically modified). I want you to go through your lines. Most of you will have more than one role each and filming will start tomorrow. Oliver, Seamus, Neville and Dean, please meet me at the bench over there. You boys don't have a role for you are not THAT famous. Therefore you will be my stage crew. Costumes, lighting, camera etc will be your responsibilities. Is everybody clear? Good. Script books are in the box over there. You can go somewhere else to practice but meet near Hagrid's hut tomorrow morning at 9am sharp. Move!
*scrambling of chairs*
Author proceeds to give instructions to the four boys.
~@~
Loud screams (some in delight, most in horror) resound across the dining hall as students and professors stare bug-eye (some in delight, most in horror) at the roles they have to play.
Hagrid: *sniff* Ah, wat's new… I'm playing a giant! Why can't I have roles with more substance… *honk* (A/N: I have no idea how to write the way Hagrid talks, so it's pretty normal English. Just imagine his voice. =p)
Hermoine: *pat pat* Don't be sad Hagrid! Think of it this way, you will be the only one with experience! Prof Flitwick had it worse, he's playing all SEVEN dwarves!
Harry, Ron: Wicked!
Hagrid: *sigh* So watcha kids acting as?
Harry: I'm Hansel, Jack and a fairy for Sleeping Beauty.
Hermoine: And I'm Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White and Gretel!
Ron: And I'm the fairy for Sleeping Beauty and the prince that gets to kiss Sleeping Beauty!
Triple H: Oooo!
Harry: So who's Sleeping Beauty?
Ron checks book.
Ron: EEE!! PANSY PARKINSON??
Triple H: Eeeww.
Hermoine: Wait… You are NOT the prince for Snow White?
Ron: Nope.
Hermoine: *flatly* Who is the prince then?
Ron checks book.
Ron: Erm… Malfoy…
Hermoine: Excuse me… *stalks off to girls' bathroom*
Somewhere at a corner…
Draco, Goyle and Crabb are busy flipping through the script books.
Draco: *screams* PIGS??? WE ARE PIGS????
*blank looks from Goyle and Crabb*
Draco: I… You… Pigs… what?… this… I…
*even blanker looks from Goyle and Crabb*
Draco: Oh, at least I'm a prince. Snow White eh? Hmm… *flips book* Granger????
*even more blanker looks from Goyle and Crabb*
Draco: I… You… Mudblood!… what?… this… I…
Somewhere at ANOTHER corner…
Albus: Ah… I'm the King!
Minerva: For?
Albus: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. And yours?
Minerva: I'm the Queen for all of those three and will be Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.
Albus: I see. And Hilda?
Hilda: I'm Jack's and Red Riding Hood's mother! Can you imagine me being that??
*silence*
Hilda: Bah. Anyway, I'm also one of the three fairies for Sleeping Beauty.
Albus: Not bad. *glances about* Has anybody seen Severus?
Minerva: He went to look for our author. He looked very upset.
Albus: *tsk* He has to lighten up; being gloomy does him no good at all!
Minerva flips through book and gawks.
Albus: What is it?
Minerva points weakly at a page. Albus and Hilda peer in for a closer look and gawk too.
Death Eater #1 – hunter who kills big bad wolf and footman #1 (for Cinderella)
Death Eater #2 – gives magic jellybeans to Jack in exchange for a Blast-Ended Skrewt and footman #2 (for Cinderella)
Lucius Malfoy – big bad wolf (for both LRRH n 3LP), evil stepmother of Snow White and Cinderella
Voldemort – wizard who cursed Sleeping Beauty and evil witch in Hansel/Gretel
Albus: *cough* Hmm…
Hilda: Erm, check THIS one out…
Albus, Minerva: Oh dear…
Severus Snape – (?)
A/N: What will his roles be? Stay tuned! Bwahaha….