4. Life of the Party

I can just barely grasp the snatch of recollection that Rick's touch summoned. Sand, but that's natural; I live in Egypt. I've grown up with sand constantly in my shoes, breathing it, climbing over it. Sun, vanishing into the distance, rising again... What is this? A random image from my life that is fading fast. Just sand and sun, like a dream...

Except... Rick was there, too. He was with me, under the sun, walking across that sand. He held my hand and kissed me and protected me from something that also hovers in my brain, something I don't think I want to know about. Something happened in that desert, something terrible...

"Rick?" He turns toward me, clearly not in a mood to deal with me right now. I don't care. "I remember, I...I think..."

"What?" I love--no! no! I should not toss that word around so freely--how concerned he looks, how full of hope. "Is something wrong? Do you...do you--"

The images are too bleary, and I can't seem to grab hold of a single one anymore. "I think I remember..." I start, but I can't think of anything intelligent to finish the sentence. "Uh...sand. We...you and I, there was...sand."

He doesn't say anything for a minute. "Sand?" he finally croaks. "You remember...sand? We're in Egypt, for God's sake!"

"I'm trying, Rick! Just let me think!"

He steps away. "Come on, sand? I'm sorry, but...sand? After everything we went through together? You remember the desert? I'm sorry, Evy, but after blocking out the few months of your life which actually include me, all you can tell me is that we've spent time in a desert? We live in a fucking desert!"

"Don't take that tone with me! I'm doing the best I can here, all right? Now if you want to tell me what went on in that desert, I'd be happy to listen, because I don't seem to be doing all that well on my own! What happened out there?"

This makes him stop and pause for a moment. "You don't want to know. I promise, you don't want to know."

"Yes, I do! You have to meet me halfway, Rick, I'm doing the best I can!"

He thinks about this, but then shakes his head. "You don't remember, and that's okay. I'd rather you didn't. I don't want to spend any more nights holding you because the nightmares are so bad you can't close your eyes. I don't want you to go through that again."

Whatever visions I had gleaned from my past are faded completely now, but I'm filled with something else, something triggered by his words. This is something new, it's not a relic from the past, it's...something that I get in little bits, piece by piece, every time he speaks to me.

Apparently he can't read my mind, and seems to take my silence badly. I can't get words out of my tight throat before he turns and begins toward the lighted, happy house, leaving me to trail behind. I am caught in one of those terrible dream-like states, where movement seems like molasses and sound is muffled. I have no idea how much time passes as we wind our way through the entrance, only aware of the beat of my heart and, further down, another life beating right alongside mine. It was probably only minutes, but for all I knew I could have been in that daze for hours.

I manage to avoid eye contact with most everyone and lose Rick somewhere in the party-goers. There's a nice, private landing just up the stairs that allows me to watch the goings-on below without being bothered. Unfortunately, my solitude is interrupted as I feel someone touch my arm. It is a woman with an annoyingly pompous look on her face. I have no idea what her name is, but she doesn't seem to mind. She nods toward the party knowingly. "Hello, Evelyn. I notice you and Rick seem a bit..." She searches for a word, trying to find a polite way to put it, I suppose. "...distant, shall we say. Is the perfect couple finally coming down to earth?"

Excuse me? First of all, what business does she have messing in my life? I don't even know who this woman is! And secondly, 'perfect couple'? If we were so perfect, why have we fallen so far? "What is that supposed to mean?"

She clucks like an overbearing mother and pats my shoulder. "Oh, Evelyn. It happens to the best of us. Especially with the baby and all; I can only imagine the extra stress that must place on a new marriage."

Strength wells up in me, strength that I know I once possessed. "You have no business judging me or my husband," I say to her, and I can see the bravado in her eyes recoil, just a little. "You have no idea. Stay away from us."

Her mouth opens, but no sound comes out for a moment. "I, uh, I...apologize, Evelyn. I didn't... Would you excuse me?" She backs away, then skips down the stairs with as much restraint as she can manage, no doubt running to tell all her socialite friends what a psycho Evelyn O'Connell is.

As I look down at the party from my high perch, I spot a man standing in a corner that I feel I should recognize. Does he work at the museum? I can't be sure. I know I've seen him somewhere. He looks up--

Fear slices through me, irrational, terrible fear. The man didn't see me, but still the sensation leaves an ice cold lump in my throat. It is so completely overwhelming, as though...

As though in a dream. As though I were being chased, threatened...

No, this is ridiculous. I'm still suffering from a head injury, for God's sake. Moments of weakness are to be expected. I realize the mysterious man is no longer visible in the morass below. Where did he go?...

"Evy?" I hear from the stair, and the voice floods me with relief. It's Rick, come to check on me. "You've been up here a while. Do you want to go home?"

I bite my tongue to keep from telling him about the mysterious man. He'll think I'm silly. If only I could get my head to clear, get my knees to steady... "I don't, uh..." I stutter, not knowing what I should say. "I don't feel..."

He reaches out, as if it were reflex. "Are you okay?"

I step away from him, speaking without thinking. "Don't touch me."

Rick isn't angry, he never has been. I realize suddenly that I've never been afraid around him; I know he would never hurt me. I suddenly know that he would protect me with his life. He would die for me. I'm not sure where this knowledge comes from, and I can feel myself teetering on the edge of a memory again, one I could have if only I'd leap over the abyss.

"We were so good together," he says softly. He turns, and walks away. Down the stairs, into the din of the party, leaving me alone again.

And suddenly, irrevocably, without reason...

I realize love him.

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