/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R) I got reviews! Sweet! Lots of thanks to:
Deidre – Thanks! I cracked my head over what our Potions Master's roles are!
Ciggy – Hello! Ok, I will add more Albus and Minerva for you!
Karine Black – Thanks for reading this :) Glad you like it!
Werecat99 – Howdy! Thanks for reading this and my LOTR one!! I hath thee on author alert too!
S_Star – I HOPE it's gonna be a laugh! Heh heh… Yep, I know what LMAO means now!
Crabtree – Thanks thanks, you not that old!
Totally Cliched – Hope you like this one :)
All Mighty Terrestrial – Hello and thanks for the kind review! **/
Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight®It's 8.30am. Most of the students involve in the filming are already standing outside Hagrid's hut. Engaging in mindless chatter, many seem quite enthusiastic to be in the fairy tale. A sharp contrast indeed, from their initial reaction yesterday when the author announced her plans. Perhaps it's the realisation that this is an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be in front of a camera. Or maybe it's just the effect of an encouraging note (penned by the author herself) they found underneath their respective dormitory doors this morning. Written in blood. Anyway… OH LOOK! It's 9am! Time flies when you are narrating.
~@~
Author appears holding a loud speaker in hand, script book tuck in the back pocket of her Levi's® jeans.
*click* :: Testing… testing… Gooood morning! I see everybody is here on time! Looking EN-THUU-ZIASS-TIK eh? *insane laughter* Hahaha! Hahaha! *click*
*Nervous looks from both students and professors* Looks like the students are not the only ones to receive an encouraging note (penned by the author herself) found underneath their doors. Written in blood.
*click* :: Now then, following the schedule, we will have Jack and The Beanstalk first. Those involve in this tale please proceed to the dressing room where you will change into your respective costumes. Stage crew will now be known as filming crew since we are FILMING a tale not STAGING it! *insane laughter* Hahaha! S-s-staging!! Get it?? Hahaha! *wipes tear* Oh man… I kill me… *click*
*awkward silence*
Ron: *whispers* Er… What's GOT into our author??
Harry: *whispers* I think it's the caffeine…
Ron: Ha. Ha.
Harry: *grins* See you later, Ron! I have to go change.
Ron: Later Harry! Good luck!
*click* :: People… people… We don't have all day… SO DON'T JUST STAND THERE! MOOOVE!! *click*
~@~
The rest of the crew scrambles off to a corner to be the 'audience'. Author stalks off to give last instructions to the filming squad and to check on the backdrop, props and the Blast-Ended Skrewt.
:: Is everything ready?
Filming squad: Yes boss! All ready, boss!
:: Well done! Now… As for YOU… *growls at Blast-Ended Skrewt* Listen you little pathetic BUG, I want absolute co-operation from you. Don't even attempt to bite any of my crew, YOU GET THAT SHELL-BUTT!! *pulls out cattle prod and waves it in front of the shivering skrewt*
Rumor has it that the filming crew swore they could see the skrewt flinch just then. However, seeing that it has no head, we have no means of verifying how true the story is…
~@~
The dressing room is located a stone's throw away from Hagrid's hut. Basically, it's a big trailer that can accommodate roughly ten adults, ten house-elves, five mini dressing tables and plenty of clothes rack.
Hilda: Oh my, a cotton beige dress?
Tinky the nervous house elf: Oh y-y-yes P-professor Hooch, p-p-please get dress now! *whispers* Before SHE comes…
Harry: Who's 'she', Tinky?
Tinky the nervous house elf: O-o-oh No!!! Harry Potter mustn't ask of her! Tinky cannot say… O-oh! Bad Tinky! *whacks self with clothes hanger* Bad Tinky!! *whack* *whack*
Hilda: Ooo-kaaay…
*whack* *whack*
Harry: Riiight…
*whack* *whack*
Harry and Hilda hurry to get dress before Tinky does further damage to the clothes hanger. And also before she starts a train reaction of sELF-abuse as the rest of the house elves present look ready to burst into tears any second.
Harry: Ouch!
Hilda: What's wrong??
Harry: My scar… It hurts… *rubs scar with hand*
*Jaws music plays* Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
*BANG* The trailer door slams open.
Harry, Hilda and all the house elves scream in horror: AAIIEEE!
Death Eater #2: *cheerfully* Hello! Morning! Where's my costume? Is my hair right? Harry! Let's practice our lines! Oh my gawd! Dressing tables! Wow! Pantry too! This is great! This is incredible! You have no idea how excited I am about this movie! I have been dreaming about this since I was a little boy! Wow! I mean when I was 8, I wanted to be an auror… Yes! You heard right! Anyway… … *rattles on*
Hilda: *whispers* Merlin… I thought Lockhart was annoying enough…
Harry: *nods mutely*… Ouch!
Hilda: What's wrong?? Again.
Harry: My scar… It hurts… Again. *rubs scar with hand*
*Jaws2 music plays* Da-dum da-dum da-dum…
*BANG* The trailer door slams open. Again.
A black robed figure shuffles slowly into the room and slumps into a cushion chair.
Voldemort: C…o…f…f…e…e…
*silence*
Voldemort: C…o…f…f…e…e…
*silence*
Death Eater #2: Boss!! Hey boss! Glad you can come boss! Isn't this place great?
Voldemort: C…o…f…f…e…e…
Death Eater #2: Coffee, boss? Hey, need some coffee here! You there, get me a cup now!
Voldemort: *irritated* Stop shouting you little maggot… My head hurts… *groans*
Voldemort looks up at Harry and sneers.
Voldemort: What do we have here, eh? Potter! Ha! You- *groans* C…o…f…f…e…e…
Death Eater #2 presents his Lord with a cup of java and watches as his Lord sips contentedly through the straw, his pale, wrinkled and non-human-like face relaxing in bliss. At this instance, Neville walks in and motions to them that filming will start in 5 minutes. The crew leaves the trailer quickly towards the filming area where a makeshift wooden house stands.
~@~
Author walks towards the crew.
:: DE2, here's the jellybeans… Ok people, I want you to act natural. Not too bland, not too exaggerated, natural. Say it with me now…
All: Natural.
:: Right. Take your places now. We will start off with Harry and Hilda in the house.
*click* :: …. FILMING CREW! GET READY!… I want complete silence on the set! *click*
Harry and Hilda take their places within a makeshift wooden hut.
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 1! Take 1! *CLACK*
Jack: Mother?
Mother: Yes dear?
Jack: Mother, I have a hole in my sock. *starts crying*
:: CUT! CUT! CUT!
*the audience murmurs*
:: Harry my boy… WHY ARE YOU CRYING??
Harry: *sobs* I'm so sorry… It's just that… *sniff* I never had a mother… I mean I NEVER called anybody mother before…
:: Oh boy… Should have seen that one coming…
Harry: Ok… I'm fine now… Sorry everybody! *wipes tear away*
Dumbledore and Minerva shake their head and sigh. They know too well how hard this must be for Harry.
:: Alright, lets start over.
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 1! Take 2! *CLACK*
Jack: Mother?
Mother: Yes dear?
Jack: Mother, I have a hole in my sock.
Mother: Yes dear.
Jack: May I buy new clothes?
Mother: I'm afraid not dear. *sighs dramatically*
Jack: Why mother?
Mother: *wails* BECAUSE WE ARE TOO FARKING POOR! *audience gasps*
:: CUUUT!
Hilda: Oops…
:: Farking poor? Too damn fark-ing poor?
Hilda: Er… I mean… poor…
:: *hiss* Riight. We will start from 'Why mother?' I will just say LCA this time.
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 1! Take 3! *CLACK*
Jack: Why mother?
Mother: *wails* BECAUSE WE ARE TOO F- *cough* POOR!
Jack: *wails dramatically and waves arms* NOOoooo…!
Author flinches inwardly and decides to let this one past. Too much time has been wasted on scene 1 alone.
Mother: Yes, Jack. We are so poor our cupboards are almost bare. We are so poor we have holes in our socks. We are so poor we suck rock to get water. We are so poor that we have to eat carrots for EVERY meal. We are so poor we have to wear our underw-
Jack: Yes mother! OK! I get the idea…
Mother: Good. Now be a dear and entertain Jenny please.
Jack: Ok mother.
~@~
*Dumbledore blows softly into a tissue*
Dumbledore: *whispers to Minerva* This is so sad! Carrots for EVERY meal?
Minerva: *dabs eye and whispers* Yes, Albus… I know… I know…
Flitwick: *squeak*
~@~
Jack goes out of the house and plays apprehensively with Jennifer, the Blast-Ended Skrewt.
Jack: Here, Jenny…erm… Hi… erm…
Jennifer: *some unknown sound that means anger*
Author fingers cattle prod loosely in one hand.
Jennifer: *some unknown sound that means whining*
Jack: Good skrewt, good skrewt…
:: CUT! Ok, that was great. Get ready for scene 2 please.
Death Eater #2 leaps excitedly to his feet.
Death Eater #2: It's my turn!! Oh my, I'm so nervous… Merlin, merlin, merlin!
Voldemort: CRUCIO!
Death Eater #2 writhes in pain on the floor.
Voldemort: *snarls* Idiot! Do not embarrass me!
Death Eater #2: *writhing* S…orry… boss…
*BRRRZZZT*
Voldemort: ARRGH!!!
:: Lord or no Lord, everybody, including you, are under me now. No one gets hurt without my permission, except for the elves. Are we clear on that? Eh?
Voldemort: CRU-
*BRRRZZZT*
Voldemort: AARRGGHH!! YES YES!!
:: *grunt* Glad to have your cooperation.
Dumbledore: *muse* A cattle prod? Why didn't I think of THAT!
Voldemort: *glares* Don't think about it, old man…
Dumbledore smiles back with that knowing twinkle in his eyes.
~@~
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 2! Take 1! *CLACK*
Mother: Jack my son… I have to tell you something…
Jack: *panic* What is it mother?? What? What??
Mother: *sobs* We have to sell Jenny.
Jack: YE- I mean NOOOooooo…! *wails dramatically and waves arms*
Author winces and rubs her temples.
Mother: Yes Jack, the skrewt must go. And make sure you sell her for no less than 5 Galleons.
*HONK*
Hagrid: Poor Jenny… Boo hoo…
:: Ssshhh!
Hagrid: *whispers* Sorry…
Jack skips sadly out of the house.
Jack: Come Jenny, we're going for a walk.
Jennifer: …
Jack and Jennifer take a walk…
DE2: Hello there, boy! I see you have a fine skrewt with you.
Jack: Yes sir, this is my pet skrewt, Jennifer, sir.
Jennifer: …
DE2: Going for a walk?
Jack: *fake sob* No sir… I… I have to sell her!
DE2: *gasps and places hand on chest* No!
Jack: Yes sir. Mother says to sell her for no less than 5 Galleons. We are very poor you see.
DE2: Poor?
Jack: Yes sir. We are so poor our cupboards are almost bare. We are so poor we have holes in our socks. We are so poor we suck rock to get water. We are so poor that we have to eat carrots for EVERY meal. We are so poor we have to wear our underw-
DE2: Ok! I heard enough! Tell you what, I will buy your skrewt.
Jack: You will?? How much?
DE2: I will give you magic jellybeans in exchange for that skrewt, Jack.
Jack: Magic jellybeans? Sir, please don't kid me. By the way, how did you know my name?
DE2: Magic! It's all about magic!
DE2 begins to perform many wondrous tricks with his wand and convinces Jack that magic jellybeans do exist.
Jack: It's a deal!
DE2: Here you go! *hands over a pouch*
Jack: *peers* It's empty!
DE2: What?!
:: CUT! What's wrong now?
DE2: The bag is empty… The jellybeans are gone!
:: *sigh* Albus, may I have a word with you please?
Albus: Yes?
:: You ate them didn't you.
Albus: *wide-eye* I have no idea what you are talking about.
:: The jellybeans, Albus. You ate the jellybeans.
Albus: It wasn't me!
:: Say 'AH'…
Albus: AH…
:: *sniff* Lemon… ear wax… *sniff* green peas… mango pudding…
*Albus manages to look sheepish*
:: Don't do that… EVER again…
Albus: *nods guiltily*
*click* :: LISTEN! *static*… I need more BERTIE BOTTS… Get me some NOW! Because your HEADMASTER ate the ones we had!… *click*
Minerva: Albus! You ate the props!
Albus: I couldn't help myself! It's lemon drop, day in day out… I'm sick of it!
A deep smooth velvet voice speaks up from behind…
Severus: THAT would be the day…
Minerva, Albus: Severus!! Where have you been??
Severus: *growl* Don't ask.
Minerva: We…erm… saw the roles you will be playing…
Severus: Drop it.
Minerva: I'm sure the author will give you some-
Severus: Drop. It.
*silence*
Severus Snape glances away and proceeds to sit down on an empty spot besides Dumbledore. As far as he is concern, the only tolerable person in Hogwarts is the Headmaster.
Albus: Lemon drop, my friend?
Severus rolls his eyes and picks up the smallest one with his long, slim, well-manicured fingers. Chewing contentedly, he leans back against the wooden bench and gazes nonchalantly at the scene before him, his eyes resting for a moment on his ex-boss, Voldemort.
Albus: *whispers* I know how we can defeat HIM!
Severus: *raises an eyebrow* How?
Albus: *smiles secretly* You'll see…
Severus: *sigh*
~@~
:: Ok, let's start from the last line. L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 2! Take 2! *CLACK*
DE2: Here you go! *hands over a pouch*
Jack: *peers* Wow… magic jellybeans…
DE2: Plant them outside your window.
Jack: Ok. Thank you, sir!
Jack and the skrewt part ways…
Jack: Mother!!
Mother: That was fast! So, how much for Jenny?
Jack: Nothing! I got magic jellybeans! See! The seller said, wondrous things will happen when we-
Mother: Beans!! Stupid boy! *snatches jellybeans and flings them out* No carrots for you tonight!!
Jack: Joy… I can have them for breakfast then… or lunch… or tea… or dinner… or supper…
Mother: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Jack sulks and stalks angrily to room.
:: CUT! Well done!
*click* ::… Ok, we need a GIANT BEANSTALK now! Elves! Change props! … The rest of you, lunch break! *click*
~@~
One hour later…
All: OOO!!
A large giant beanstalk now stands on the empty spot outside Jack's window.
:: Harry, all you need to do is to climb to the top and that's it.
Harry: Ok. Erm… question…
:: Yes?
Harry: The whole story takes place within ONE day?
:: Of course!
Harry: Isn't that a little fast?
:: It will work out fine. Don't worry.
Hagrid: Question… Can that stalk stand my weight??
:: No Hagrid… you WILL not be at the top… You will act your scene in front of a backdrop that makes it seem tha-
Hagrid looks confusingly at author.
:: Never mind… GET READY!
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 3! Take 1! *CLACK*
Jack: Wow! I went to take an afternoon nap and now I see a huge plant in front of my window!
Mother: AAAH! There is a huge plant in front of the window!
Jack: Mother! Don't worry! It's just a huge plant!
Severus: *incredulous look* Merlin… Who thinks up this lines?!
:: Me.
Severus: Ah.
Jack: Let me climb it.
Mother: Be careful, son!
Jack climbs the beanstalk.
:: CUT!! Ok, moving on to next set. Hagrid, get ready.
House elves takes apart the wooden house and a giant backdrop appear.
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4! Take 1! *CLACK*
Jack pretends to scramble up from the floor.
Jack: I'm at the top of the beanstalk. Everything is so BIG! Oh look, a giant house… Let me go in…
Jack walks towards the door (painted on the backdrop)
:: CUT! Good! House props please… Oh and Severus? Is it ready?
Severus stands up and hands author a potion.
:: Thank you, Sev. Harry, drink this, it's a shrinking portion.
Harry gulps down potion. The tables and chairs have been set.
:: Ok, L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.1! Take 1! *CLACK*
Jack: Wow! This is big! What is that noise??!
*clump clump clump*
Giant: Fee Fi Fo fun, I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread! *sniff air* Hmm… nah… must be my cold…
Jack: Whew!
Giant sits down at table and eats a meal of donuts. He promptly falls asleep after eating… Jack climbs up table to take a peek.
Giant: *snore*
Jack: Look! It's a brown chicken! And it's laying golden eggs! I will bring it back for mother!
Jack steals chicken and climbs down table. As fate has it, Severus Snape has only brewed 1 shrinking potion, so the stealing of items has to be done at the same time. Jack steals moneybags and climbs down table. Jack steals magic harp and climbs down table.
:: CUT! Good, now we must have Hagrid chasing you when the harp screams in terror.
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.2! Take 1! *CLACK*
Jack carries the harp and before he reaches the 'door', the harp screams.
Giant: Wha-? HEY! YOU! *clump clump* Get back here thief!
Jack runs 'out' with Giant clumping after him.
:: CUT! Ok, Sev, where's the antidote?
Severus hands antidote over. Reluctantly.
Harry grows back to normal size.
:: Ok, we have to now film the part where Jack gives his mother the moneybags and the chicken. And the last part is, Harry and Hagrid on the beanstalk. Elves! Change props!
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.3! Take 1! *CLACK*
Jack scrambles down beanstalk.
Jack: Mother! Look! Brown hen that lay golden eggs!
Mother: Ooo!
Jack scrambles down beanstalk.
Jack: Mother! Look! Moneybags filled with Galleons!
Mother: Ooo!
:: CUT! Good! Now BOTH Harry and Hagrid must be on the same stalk.
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.4! Take 1! *CLACK*
Giant: Come back with my harp!!
Harp: Eee! Eee!
Jack: Shut up, you stupid piece of magical musical instrument!
The beanstalk creaks dangerously as Hagrid moves slowly down the stalk.
Jack reaches the ground first and yells for his mother.
Jack: Mother! Giant! Evil! Kill! Axe! Stalk! Chop! Mother! Axe!
Mother: Here you go son. Be careful.
Jack: *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop*
Beanstalk sways dangerously…
*audience goes OOO!*
Jack: *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop*
Beanstalk breaks into half and the Giant falls. Before he reaches the ground…
Mother: Wingardium Leviosa!
:: CUT!! Alright people! We did it!
Hilda sets Hagrid down on the ground gently and whoops loudly with Harry.
*click* :: ATTENTION! TODAY'S FILMING IS A ROUSING SUCCESS! The next one will be Snow White! That's it guys, go home and take a good rest!! *click*
*loud applause*
:: Filming crew, everything ok?
Oliver: Yes boss, Dean and I will be doing the film editing. We will cut and paste everything in order.
:: Good job!
Author stretches herself and walks off the set. House elves scurry about clearing the props while the actors change out of their costumes.
Albus: Ah! Snow White! It's our turn, Minerva! Flitwick too, isn't it?
Flickwick: Why yes!
Minerva: My role will be very minor. The Queen dies at the beginning, remember?
Hilda: Hello there!
Albus: Hilda! Wonderful job!
Hilda: Thanks Albus! Severus! How are you?
Severus: Fine… Just fine.
Minerva: How's your preparation for your role in Snow White?
Severus: Oh shut up… *stalks off with black robes billowing behind him*
Hilda: Well… cranky as always…
Albus: Forgive him, Hilda. He's not very happy with his role.
Hilda: Still?
Minerva: I think the author refuses to change the script. He's stuck playing THAT.
Flitwick: Hope for the best on the set…
*nods of agreement*
A/N: ok that's it for now! Mwahaha, at least you know Sev will act in which story! Review pls!