/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R)
I got reviews! Sweet! Lots of thanks to:
Werecat99, Mrs Greenleaf, S_Star, Ivory Tower, SummerRain, Sathanas, All Mighty Terrestrial, mugglelady3000, Ciggy, Riddle Light, Karine Black, Vara, shadowycat, jerri fletcher and JET! You guys are great! Hope you like this new chapter ^^ Warning: Mild use of bad language **/
Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight®It's filming day again. And we all know what that means. Throughout the ancient castle, Cornwall pixies are a fluttering in the pits of both students and professors, even the magical creatures are feeling jittery (who/what can forget Jenny?). It's been three days and yet the foul memory of the encouraging note still lingers foully in the air, as fresh as a newly produced cow pie. Shifting about in their seats, the members of the film and acting crew wait patiently in the Great Hall for the director-cum-producer-cum-scriptwriter to arrive. Which will be soon. Antiiiiciipaaaatiiooon.
~@~
Meanwhile, in a dank, dark (as in the-sun-will-never-shine-THERE kind of dark) dungeon many floors down from the Great Hall, a brooding professor who looks like a giant bat (as he does every other day) slouches in his heavy oak chair sullenly. In fact, judging from the mood in the air, Dementors will kiss each other to NOT come here. Positive human emotions? What positive human emotions?
~@~
*disturbing flash-back two days ago begins*
:: Get down there and force Snape to comply! Make him memorise those dang lines now!
Dementor1: *whimper*…No-
Dementor2: *whimper*…please-
Dementor1: *whimper*…we-
Dementor2: *whimper*…will-
Dementor1: *whimper*…starve!
Dementor2: *whimper*…we-
Dementor1: *whimper*…rather-
Dementor2: *whimper*…kiss-
Dementor1: *whimper*…each-
Dementor2: *whimper*…other!
Dementor1: Very good, D1! It's like you-
Dementor2: Read your mind? And you are welcome, D2!
:: *grumbles* Oh, this is fantastic. Simply fantastic. *sarcastic* Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting 'The Whimpering Psychic Twins'! Never should have trusted the '50% OFF' discount from HIM. *waves cattle-prod* Get down there, you idiots! Now!
Dementor1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, D2?
Dementor2: I sure am thinking what you are thinking, D1.
Dementor1: So… shall we, D2?
Dementor2: We shall, D1.
And the two Dementors kiss and promptly turn into a heap of dust.
:: *picks up phone and dials a number* …Hello?… Yes, it's me. Get your boss on the line… … *seeth* YOU MORON! DARK LORD? YOU CALL YOURSELF A DARK LORD? DARK DORK IS MORE LIKE IT!! … WHAT? WHAT?? YOU ASK WHAT?! YOUR DEFECTIVE DEMENTORS ARE NOW A HEAP OF DUST, THAT'S WHAT! … WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT?? … OH, THAT'S IT. YOU ARE DEAD. … I DON'T CARE IF YOU ALREADY ARE! AND STOP INTERRUPTING ME!! D. E. A. D. DEAD!! Y. O. U. YOU!! *slams phone*
Nervous house elf appears and sweeps the heap of dust away.
:: *sobs* 20 Galleons… Gone! *wails*
Nervous house elf looks up in fright and scurries back.
*disturbing flash-back ends*
~@~
"No. No, no and for the one-BLOODY-HELL-hundredth time, NO! I refuse to partake in this ridiculous production. If you can call it a production… You know what I'm saying? … Yes! It will be a total waste of my precious time and I will not be humiliated in front of those brats that I teach and my fellow colleagues, who unfortunately, have no backbone to say no. … What's that? … Exactly! … Also, can you imagine the horrors that will plague my dreams to have Lucius Malfoy prancing in front of me?! … AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING CREEPING UP ON ME LIKE THAT?!" Severus Snape, genius Potions Master, winner of the 'Snarkiest Scowl' award for the 18th time running (and feeling real proud of it), thunders loudly at Knobby, his personal house elf who for some reason decides to apparate behind the chair.
"S-sorry… Professor Snapes. K-knobby no means no harms. Knobby n-no creeps up on yous. Knobby j-just wants to inform yous that it's times to go ups to Great Halls…And K-knobby wishes to tells Professor Snapes that the ham-and-egg sandwich agrees with yous absolutely!"
"Yes, yes, Knobby, I know it's time. Go tidy the bedroom now." The I-am-Death-fear-my-wrath-looking man shoos the over-enthusiastic house elf away, before giving his untouched breakfast (the one he had been having a one-sided conversation with for the past ten minutes) a final glance. With a huge sigh, Severus Snape trudges out of his cold haven towards the Great Hell. I mean Hall.
~@~
Author appears holding a loud speaker in hand, script book tucked in the back pocket of her Levi's® jeans.
*click* :: Testing, testing! Good Morning Viet- *cough* Hogwarts! *static*… *pause* *deadpan* I SAID, Good Morning Hogwarts. *click*
All: *gulp* Good Morning Boss…
*click* :: You don't sound HAAAPPIIEEE to me… *click*
All: *fake cheer in voice* GOOD MORNING BOSS!
*click* :: Ooo, Moooorning my lovelies! Ready for some acting and filming?! Let the show begin!! Snow White is next and so those involved, you know what to do! *click*
*murmurs*
*click* :: MOOOVEEEE!!!! *click*
~@~
The trailer cum dressing room that was used for the first production has been magically teleported to the far corner of the Great Hall. All benches and tables have been rearranged properly for the first scene, courtesy of them house elves. Inside the trailer, Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall, the King and Queen respectively, are having a hair dye to make them look many years younger. Many, many, many… many years younger.
Dumbledore: Oh my! Blonde? Was I ever a blonde? Hmm… or maybe I was a red head? Or-
Tinky the still nervous house elf: P-professor Dumbledore! P-p-please get into your costumes! *looks around fearfully* We m-m-m-must hurry!
Dumbledore: Relax, Tinky! *muse* Or perhaps black, like Severus! Or brown, like Remus! What do you think, Minerva?
Minerva: Really Albus! Please be serious! The poor elf is practically quaking in her sho- *peers down* skin. And mind you, this is quite a long story. The faster we start, the better it is!
Dumbledore: *endearing look*
Minerva: O-h… *humph* … red.
Dumbledore: Aah! I thought so! Tinky, if you please…
Tinky the very much nervous house elf: B-but… it says b-blonde! *whimper*
Dumbledore: *wisely* Sometimes Tinky, we must… *enters philosophical mode*
Tinky the house elf bursts into frightened tears and starts banging her head on the chair. Hard.
*thunk thunk*
Dumbledore: … so you see, when we come across…
*thunk thunk*
Dumbledore: … subsequently, if for example…
*thunk thunk*
Dumbledore: … not to mention the part where…
*thunk thunk*
Dumbledore: … and there you go. *exits philosophical mode*
Tinky the nervous and now bleeding house elf: O-o-o-h! My head…
Dumbledore: Lemon drop? It cures headaches!
Minerva: *sigh* Never mind, Albus…
And so we leave the two to change.
~@~
At another corner of the Great Hall, the author is having a one-on-one talk with the Potions Master.
:: Stop being a baby and get in there!
Snape: *outrage* What?! This is the final straw! How dare you order me about! I have you know that my rep-
Voldemort interrupts: *rasp* Hiii-
*BRRRZZZT* (double dosage of electricity)
Voldemort: ARRGHH! What?! I-
*BRRRZZZT* (double dosage of electricity)
Voldemort: ARGH!!!
:: *deadpans* Dementors. Ring a bell, bub? *fingers cattle-prod*
Voldemort: … *shuffles away quickly as fast as his decaying feet can carry him*
:: Run.
Voldemort hitches up his fraying, multiple-patched black robes and starts shuffling a wee bit faster towards Wormtail, to get an ice pack for his sore arse.
:: Yes Sev, you were saying?
Snape: I refuse to get in there. Period. And stop calling me Sev! The name is Severus!
:: It's filming day and you want to back out? No problem, Sevvie. *too brightly*
Snape: *suspicious* Really? You're so sure in letting me off?
:: Oh yes… as sure as arsenic is not poisonous.
Snape: *scoff* That's ridiculous! Arsenic is- oh.
:: It will be fun! Look on the bright side, Sev! You don't need a costume!
Severus Snape knowing he has lost, utters a woe-tis-on-me sigh, casts the spell and walks through the smoky barrier.
~@~
*click* :: Alright! Gather round! We will start with the birth of Snow White! QUIET ON THE SET!! *click*
*silence*
A red-haired Albus and a blonde Minerva (both in fetching fine robes) stand in front of a cradle. Hermoine Granger has been charmed by Professor Flitwick to be in temporary baby-mode (physically and mentally) for 10 minutes.
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 1! Take 1! *CLACK*
King: Isn't it great? Isn't it lovely? A blink of an eye, and I have a baby!
Queen: Such big eyes! Such red lips! Such lovely little fingertips!
Draco, Lucius and Voldie: *whispers* Coughmudbloodcough…
:: *dagger glare* SSHH!
Baby Hermoine: *gurgle*
King: Oh my Queen! My Lady Luck! I will love you both till death do us part!
Courtiers: *chorus loudly* Till death! Till death! He will love them both till death do them part!
Queen: What shall we name her? Our lovely daughter! Pearl or Belle or maybe Slaughter!
:: CUUUUT!!!! *growl* Slaughter??
Minerva: It rhymes…
*murmurs of agreement from audience*
Author clutches forehead. THAT wasn't in the script.
:: Never mind. Continue from there… L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 1! Take 2! *CLACK*
King: With hair the colour of the night, lets name our beautiful child - Snow White!
Courtiers: *chorus loudly* Snow White! Snow White! Our Princess, Snow White!
:: Aaaand cut!
~@~
Harry to Ron: *whispers* I don't get it! The words don't make sense! It's like the author's making them rhyme for the sake of making them rhyme!
:: You got that right, bub. Now hush before I make you spend a morning in the presence of a coffee-less Voldemort.
Harry and Voldemort: NOOoooooo… *flail hands wildly*
Whodathunkit! The most famous pair of archenemies in the wizarding world seems to agree on the same thing! I thought this kind of thing happens only when p- Ooh! Will you look at that??
Audience: *oohs and aahs* (flap flap flap) Oooh-… (flap flap flap) Aaah-…
:: WHAT THE-! Will somebody get rid of the pigs? Where they come from anyway? Blast it. This is going to be a long day.
*numerous cries of the 'Avada' spell resound throughout the Hall. Plenty of 'squeals' followed by 'thuds'*
Voldemort: *outrage* Silence you fools! That's my line! Stop or else…!
And the people who care, stop.
*numerous cries (incidentally the same number) of the 'Avada' spell resound throughout the Hall. Plenty of 'squeals' followed by 'thuds'*
Voldemort: And you wonder why I turn evil.
House elves from the kitchen appear to clear the… erm… 'interruptions' away.
~@~
*click* :: Hey! Hey! Order here! We don't have much time! *click*
*redecoration of the Great Hall proceeds*
:: Ok? Good. LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 2! Take 1! *CLACK*
*Funeral March by Chopin plays in the background, the Queen has been taken away by an illness*
IMPORTANT: The author has decided to take this scene out. It's too tragic and sad to be in the humour category. So on to the next scene where Hermoine is now back to her normal age and the King is looking for a new bride. Thank you.
~@~
The choosing of a wife for the King and a new mother for Snow White will take place in a Ball.
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 3! Take 1! *CLACK*
The mini orchestra starts to play a tune and the King sits on his throne looking dejectedly down at his invited guests dancing and chatting away. No ladies have caught his fancy as yet.
Snow White: Father?
King: Yes, my sweet? *lights up a bit*
Snow White: Is this necessary? I mean you simply can't find love in this manner! You don't even know the ladies well and you are just going to up and marry one? How can a relationship between two people last without a complete understanding of each other's character and manners! I don't like this. Mother would never approve.
King: *speechless*
If the King thinks that his one and only daughter's going to sympathise with him and ask him why he's feeling so down, think again. Snow White though young for her age, is highly intelligent and sees things in many different perspectives.
King: Well… I-
*trumpets blare as the door guards announce a visitor*
The place falls silent as everybody stare at the figure walking regally through the main door. With pale blonde locks neatly framing a chiselled face and cladding from head to toe in the finest silk, the new guest is the epitome of 'royal-ness'.
Audience: LUCIUS MALFOY!!??
:: CUT!! Audience! Control yourself!
Well, that's pretty hard to do since Mr. Malfoy is currently wearing a silk dress.
Lucius: *seethes* My first appearance and it's botched by these idiots! *points a gloved hand at the audience* And the name is Lucy now!
*snickers among the students and professors* Draco groans and hides his face in his hands.
:: Shut it! We will continue from right where we stop.
Lucius/Lucy: Definitely not! I demand another take! My entrance is not perfect!
:: You… DEMAND…?
Voldemort quickly shuffles over and tugs at Malfoy's sleeve.
Lucius/Lucy: My Lord?
Voldemort: It is wise not to anger her, my child. We will seek revenge after this is over.
Lucius/Lucy: Yes, My Lord.
Voldemort adjusts cushioned toilet seat (tied around his waist) and shuffles painfully back to his chair. Hmm… Considering the fact that Wormtail had accidentally given his Dark Lord dry ice, it's no wonder Voldie's feeling worse. There are servants and then there are servants…
:: *grunt* Right. Places, everyone! And Lucius? Adjust your padded bra, please. It's rather unsettling to see a slanted pair of boobs, even if it's silicon. Silence please!! L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 3! Take 2! *CLACK*
King: Oh my! And who is that fetching blonde?
Lucy: *curtsies* Good day my King, how are you feeling?
King: Ah my lovely! Such a pretty! You are the wind beneath my wings and your presence makes me want to sing!
Snow White: *shock* FATHER! Not him-I mean her!! I have a bad feeling about this person.
King: Nonsense my daughter, she will do fine. *claps hands twice* Attention everyone! This is my lovely bride! Thank you for attending my wedding!
*mini orchestra plays the wedding tune on-cue* *guests start a-congratulating*
And so within 20 minutes, the King has found a bride and Snow White has a new mother.
:: CUT! Well done! We will now film Lucy in her private bedroom and then you can have your lunch break. Move!
~@~
So the filming/acting crewmembers are now in the chosen room where Lucy will do the normal evil stepmother routine. It's a rather large room I must say. The one thing that catches the attention of all is a black-rimmed, full-length mirror standing broodingly by itself, opposite the huge four-poster bed. If one moves in for a closer look, you can actually feel menace radiating from it. The audience suppress a shudder as a sudden chill descends upon them. They look around fearfully, huddling closer to each other… The room reeks of evil… Voldemort sniffs the air and sighs happily, "Smells like home…"
At the same time, Severus Snape, the most reluctant member of the acting crew, is lounging comfortably in his black leather armchair. Closing his eyes, he drums his long, perfect fingers on the table, matching the haunting rhythm of the piano piece that is playing in the air.
*click* :: Listen up! Let's all do this in one take. *static*… I'm sure all of you are feeling hungry. I need full cooperation here. From EVERYONE! *glances pointedly at the mirror*… SILENCE! *click*
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 4! Take 1! *CLACK*
Lucy: *laughs evilly* Oh this is perfect! The money spent on this b-e-a-U-tiful silk gown is worth every knut! Mwahahah! I'm the Queen of the largest kingdom and soon, I will rule the entire land! Hmm… Snow White is my daughter now eh… What a terrible name! I wonder how they chose it… Oh like I bloody care! Send her off to boarding school and I can work better on my evil plans… Mwahahahah!
*walks sultrily to the mirror*
Lucy: *smiles sweetly* Magic mirror? Oh mirror?
Severus pries open an eye upon hearing a sickeningly, diabetes-inducing voice in front of him. Merlin! Not now! This is the best part of the score! Damn you! Giving a less-than-friendly growl, he jabs at a red button on the table. The screen before him shimmers and there's Lucius Malfoy, in all his silken glory, posing provocatively with his hip jutting out to a side. Must… control… laughter… must… control… hmphthahahahmpht… Compose yourself Severus Aleron Snape!
*audience gasp when the much-feared Potions Master appears in the mirror (sitting behind a small desk)*
*Neville gives a small 'eep!' and starts shaking in fright*
Ron: *whispers* Ugh! No wonder this room feels so evil! Snape's the mirror! Garg!
Mirror: 30 points to Gryffindor, Mr Weasley. I'm not deaf. *irritatedly* Yes… What do YOU want?
Harry covers Ron's mouth before he can cause further damage.
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: *smirks* Me.
:: *COUGHS*
Mirror: Oh very well… If you insist… You.
Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?
Mirror: No. And I'm not your darling.
Lucy: What?!
Mirror: *scowls* Go. Away.
*audience flinch*
Lucy: Cut!! *jabs finger at Snape/Mirror* This isn't the scene! He is supposed to heap praises on me!!!!
Mirror: *snorts* In your dreams, Lucius.
:: Sev, just follow the damn script!
Severus: Bloody hell… Fine. But I demand extensive psychiatric treatment for the torture and trauma I'm subjecting myself to.
:: One more take. Sev, please say your lines right… L! C! A!
Neville: *gulps* S-s-now Wh-h-ite! S-s-cene 4! T-take 2! *CLACK*
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* You.
Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* Yes.
Lucy: How do I look?? Tell me!!
Mirror (Severus making no attempt to hide his actions, begins to read from the script book): *bored tone* You are the flower that blooms in winter and brings beauty to the dreary white world. *props legs on the table (it's a rather short table, so he can still be clearly seen* You are the *yawn* lone star that twinkles at night, bringing hope to the pathetic peasants living in straw huts. *sips Earl Grey tea from a cup* I assure you that you are the hubba-hubba-iest of them all.
Audience: *blink blink* …
Lucy: Oh fabulous! I'm feeling so happy!
Mirror: Congratulations. Can I go now?
Lucy: *snootily* You are excused.
Mirror: *rolls eyes*
Severus punches the red button and he finds himself in much needed privacy.
:: Cut! Ok, lunch break people!
~@~
Mealtime is over. What… You think I'm going to narrate what everybody is eating? Well, you are absolutely right! Albus went on a sugar-binge and ate eight bowls of Captain Sucrose with Extra Sugar Flakes™ and is right now feeling pretty jittery. Minerva, the rest of the Professors (except Severus) and students basically ate meat for lunch. Steam pork, pork knuckles, bacon strips, suckling pig etc… Lucius had his personal house elf chef whip up a meal while being whipped and Voldie is currently sipping on some Iron-Man™ protein-steroid drink (guaranteed to give him a healthier body in less than a month). As for our wonderful Potions Master, he ate some Uncle Toby's™ muesli bars and is currently lounging in that nice leather armchair. The one he's thinking of carting back to the dungeons.
*click* :: Ok, we need things to speed up here. SO COOPERATE. *click*
The next scene will also be in Lucy's room.
:: L! C! A!
Neville: *gulps* S-s-now Wh-h-ite! S-s-cene 5! T-take 1! *CLACK*
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* You.
Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* Yes.
After 5 minutes…
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* Sigh… You.
Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* Sigh… Yes.
After 5 minutes…
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* Hmm? Oh. You.
Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?
Mirror: *bored look and tone* Verily.
After 5 minutes…
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: *very pleased* Let's see… Oh my! Snow White.
Lucy: *squeaks in horror* Are you sure, my darling mirror?
Mirror: *smirk* Oh yes. Positive. She's absolutely ravishing. Did I mention her lovely HAIR?
Lucy: Dammit! I will get rid of her! Nobody has better hair than me!! *calls out for hunter*
Hunter: Yes, my Queen?
Lucy: Kill Snow White! Now!
Hunter: *smiles evilly* Of course, my Queen. Come Mrs Norris… We have a prey… Mwahahah…
Mirror: *sneer* Typical of you. Can't fight your own battles.
Lucy: Oh shut up before I reduce you into a pile of shards.
Mirror: *deadpans* Ooh~ Shudder.
Lucy: Sometimes, I really hate you.
Mirror: The feeling is mutual. All the time. *Snape pushes red button once more*
:: Cut! That… didn't… really go as planned but I suppose one must be content. Forest scene. Move now!
Albus: S-SEVERUS!! WHERE D-D-DID HE GOOOO??!!! *rushes forward to hug the mirror* SEV! SEV, MY B-BOY!! *shakes uncontrollably* Why is everybody shaking so badly?? Have we been attacked!? AND SOMEBODY TURN OFF THAT ANNOYING STROBE OF LIGHT!!!! *shakes*
:: I think that's just your eyelids twitching…
Albus: *twitch twitch* S…s…sugar… g-g-gimme sugar! SUGAAAAA SUGAAA SUGAAAaaaa… aaa… aaa… *gets drag away by Pomfrey*
:: *blink* THAT'S your Headmaster?
Audience: *deadpan* Yes.
Severus: Unfortunately…
~@~
In the forest…
:: Ok, make it smooooooth people. And Lights! Camera! Action!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 6! Take 1! *CLACK*
Snow White: *walks through forest* Oh will you look at this mess! Wrappers, chicken bones and whatnots! Doesn't anybody take care of this place?
The hunter follows Snow White as she rattles on.
Hunter: Did you see that? Oh yes… the pretty has entered the forest… We will do a fine job, won't we, Mrs Norris? Oh yes, the Queen will be so pleased with us… *grips shovel tightly* very please…
Snow White: I will have a word with father when I get back, that's for sure! *looks at flowers*
*Psycho soundtrack starts* Dum-dum-dum-…
Hunter creeps up behind Snow White, shovel in hand… Fortunately, Snow White spots shadow descending upon her and ducks the blow.
Snow White: You! How dare you assault me! *kicks shins*
Hunter: Ooof!! That hurts, you little bitch! Arrrgh!! *swings shovel*
Snow White reaches out a hand and grabs the shovel, tearing it from the Hunter's grasp.
Hunter: *whips out hunting knife* You little brat! I hate children! Especially annoying, troublemakers like you. I have orders to kill you and oh my pretty, you will be so dead when I'm through! Hii-yah!
Snow White sidesteps the knife slash and slams shovel into Hunter's head.
Snow White: *calm voice* Who ordered you to kill me?
Hunter (lying on the ground, clutching his bleeding head): *heavy breathing* gasp… gasp… Never!
Snow White (kicks knife away): Don't make me say this again… Who ordered you to kill me? *raises shovel*
Hunter: *sobs* the… the… Queen! *sobs* please… please… don't kill me…
Snow White: *laughs* Oh my… what has happened to the brave Hunter?
Hunter: *sobs* please… please…
Snow White (looks at shovel): This will come in handy. *raises shovel once more*
Hunter: *screams* AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEeee- *crack*… … …
:: And cut!
Minerva: *cough* Well… they sure don't make fairy tales like they used to…
~@~
So Snow White has killed the Hunter and his cat, burying the bodies with the handy shovel. Washing her hands at a nearby stream, she decides to hide out for a while. Turning into a less travelled path, she continues her journey. Just when she's feeling a little hungry, she spots a wooden hut in the distance.
*click* :: Flitwick, get ready! Elves, ready the props! *click*
:: Ok, people. L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 7! Take 1! *CLACK*
Snow White: *sings happily* Oh what a lovely little hut! A perfect place to fill my gut! I hope the people here are nice or else I will make them pay the price! *enters hut* Oo! Seven little chairs and seven little tables! Seven little bowls and seven little platters! Seven little jugs filled with delicious mead and seven little beds to rest seven little heads!! *coo*
After eating and drinking, Snow White decides to take a nap. Stretching herself, she lies across the seven beds.
Dwarf: *sings off-key* *squeak* Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We're such a merry soul! *squeak* Though short and not too very bright, can't beat a hamster in a fight… Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We're still a merry soul! *squeak*
Dwarf enters the house and finds Snow White lying in his beds.
Dwarf: Oh our s-stars and g-garters! A human on our beds! Oh! *squeak* We hope she's nice… *wrings hands in despair*
While the dwarf is panicking away, Snow White awakes and upon seeing the frantic dwarf hovering beside her, she lashes out a kick that sends him crashing into the table.
Snow White: ARGH! Monster!! *kicks*
Dwarf: Wha-? OompH!! *crashes*
Snow White: *blink* Who are you?
Dwarf: *groans* *squeaks* The owners of the house…
Snow White: Oh! I'm so sorry! Where are the rest??
Dwarf: The rest?
Snow White: Well, there ARE SEVEN of you, right?
Dwarf: *squeak* Yes. *groans*
Snow White: *blink* Okaaay… I'm Snow White! Sorry about the kick… You are?
Dwarf: *squeak* It's ok… I'm Hairpee! For today.
Snow White: … erm… and on others?
Dwarf: Monday – Happy, Tuesday – Happie, Wednesday – Hairppy, Thursday – Happee, Friday – Hehpee and Sunday – Hehppie.
Snow White: Oh wow! That's really cool! So seven days of the week, you are a different dwarf!
Dwarf: That's right! *beams* All seven of us live here!
Snow White: I need sanctuary. Some evil queen wants to kill me and I need to stay away.
Dwarf: Let me discuss this first. Is it ok? Sure, dude! No problem. Fine. No argument! She can stay! I agree! Yeap!
Snow White: …
Dwarf: It's settled. You are welcome by all of us! *squeaks happily*
Snow White: Thank… you…all.
:: CUT! Ok, back to Lucy's room! MOOOOVE!
~@~
Back at Hogwarts…
:: L! C! A!
Neville: *gulps* S-s-now Wh-h-ite! S-s-cene 8! T-take 1! *CLACK*
Lucy the Evil Queen lie Cleopatra-like on a sofa, buffing her fingers away.
Lucy: *evil laugh* Mwahahha! Pretty little Snow White should be dead by now… Let me ask my magic mirror again… Mwahaha
Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?
Mirror: Again?! You are one sick, demented, self-obsessed puppy!
Lucy: Just answer the bloody question, damn it! Who!?
Hagrid: Who let the dogs out??
Audience: WHO! WHO! WHO! WHO! WHO!
:: Audience… please… Never mind, continue… Sev. ANSWER. THE. QUESTION.
Mirror: *smirks* Very well…
Lucy: Ooo! Who?! Say it loud and say it proud!
Mirror: It's… Lucccccyyyyy…
Lucy: Yes! I AM BEAUTIFUL! HUBBA HUBBA! HUBBA!
Mirror: …'ssss step-daughter – Snow White.
Lucy: Wha-
Mirror: Oh you heard me… Snow White is alive. And she STILL has better HAIR than you. Your pathetic hunter failed.
Lucy: INCOMPETENT FOOL!
Mirror: *sneers* Funny you should say that while looking in the mirror.
Lucy: *seethes* You will pay for this, Snape.
Mirror: *innocent look* Who's Snape? I'm the magic mirror.
Lucy: Growl. I will find Snow White and kill her myself. Where is she?!
Mirror: She's in the woods with a schizophrenic dwarf. And what are you doing?
Lucy the Evil Queen decides to kill Snow White herself and is now brewing some poisonous potion.
Mirror: *scoffs* Merlin, you are not serious. Give it up, your skills are worse than mediocre. You cheated in finals remember?
Lucy: Oh SHUT UP! I can bloody well brew a potion on my own!
Lucy starts chopping ingredients.
Mirror: *critically* Your chopping skills are heinous. Please stop… you are mangling expensive ingredients. *tsk*
Lucy ignores the mirror and starts adding water.
Harry: Too much water.
Ron: Definitely.
Draco: I am so embarrassed.
Snape watches in amusement as Lucius Malfoy attempts to add the ingredients.
Mirror: *smirks* You are trying to poison someone with THAT? For your information, oh my Queen, if you add Hemlock into that atrociously over-filled cauldron of yours first, the poison effect is going to be almost nullified.
Lucy: *screams* Will you shut up! I didn't ask for your opinions!!
Neville: B-b-but it's t-true…
Lucy: *screams* Or yours either!
Mirror: Oh Queeeen…
Lucy: What?!
Mirror: *coolly* The cauldron's boiling and due to your utter lack of judgement, water is sloshing all over the table. The rest of the ingredients are officially ruined.
Lucy: Damn it! *attempts to wipe up boiling water with a rag*
Mirror: *quirks eye-brow* This. Is priceless.
After much cleaning and fumbling around, Lucy the Evil Queen manages to brew a bottle of poison potion. I think.
Lucy: Well now, I'm off to kill Snow White.
Mirror: Smash the glass bottle over her head. It will do a better job than the contents.
Lucy: Ha. Ha.
Mirror: *sneer* The potion DOES NOT work. It will be ANYTHING but poison. Do try and remember who I am.
Lucy: Last I recall, a mirror that talks too much. *stalks off*
Mirror: *snorts* Idiot.
:: CUT!! *rubs temple* Why… me…
~@~
Back at the forest…
Lucy is now in disguise as an evil witch and has found the location of Snow White.
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 9! Take 1! *CLACK*
*knock knock*
Snow White: Yes?
Witch: Hello my lovely, care to buy a drink from me? I'm poor and I need money to buy shoes.
Snow White: What are you selling?
Witch: This lovely bottled syrup. Made from the sweetest strawberries!
Snow White: It's not red.
Witch: *falters* Yes, well… It's special in the sense!
Snow White: Oh ok. I will buy one then. *takes the bottle and uncorks it* Smells strong and heady.
Witch: It's good. Try it now!
Snow White: *sips* Ooo! *gulps more*
Witch: *waits apprehensively*
Snow White: *hic* Oh… theesh issh lovely! *sways* *collapse on the floor*
Lucy: Score!! I am that damn good! *walks away whistling*
Hairpee the dwarf comes arriving. He has been working in the coal mine and it's break time now.
Dwarf: *squeaks* Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We are coal miners so! Work all day without a pay, bent our backs until they crack but yet we still keep going back… Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We are coal miners so! *squeaks*
Dwarf spots unconscious Snow White.
Dwarf: *SQUEAK!* Oh my, oh my!! *rushes forward* Snow White!! *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* We are so sad! You can't leave us! You are our only friend!
:: Cut! Good! It's ending, hang in there, all of you! Prince, your turn.
Draco: *mutters* Stupid mudblood…
:: L! C! A!
Neville: Snow White! Scene 10! Take 1! *CLACK*
As Hairpee the dwarf clutches Snow White in his arms, a prince who happens to be walking through the forest, stumbles upon the scene.
Prince: Unhand her, monster!! *draws sword*
Dwarf: *squeak* Nono! We do not hurt Snow White. She is our friend! She drank something from this bottle and now she's dead!! *wails*
Prince: *hmph* *sheathes sword* She's not dead. She's still breathing. *smells bottle* It's tequila. She's just drunk. Relax.
Dwarf: But… but she's not awake…
Prince: *slaps face* Oi! Mu- Snow White! Wake up!! Oi! *splashes ice water*
Snow White: *splutters* Aaack!
Dwarf: She's alive!! We are grateful to male human! Yes, we are! You are our friend! You save Snow White! I agree! Yes! Oh joy!!
Prince: I'm outta here. *and he leaves*
:: Cut!! Ok, narrator, wrap it up.
~@~
*Ah-hem* So after thanking the dwarf, Snow White decides to return to the castle. Lucy is accused of murder, as the bodies of the Hunter and his cat have been uncovered with the sign "Queen L. was here" on them. Despite the ex-Queen's protest of innocence, many eyewitnesses claim they saw the Hunter leaving the Queen's room before disappearing for good. King and princess have been reunited and everybody (almost) live happily ever after.
:: WELL DONE!!! Filming crew, you know what to edit out.
Oliver: Yes, boss!
*click* :: I'm sorry this took so long! The next one will be '3 Little Pigs'! Definitely much shorter! Thank you and good night! *click*
Author leaves and the crew pack up.
Severus walks out of the smoky barrier, ignores the rest and heads straight to the dungeons. In the space of ten seconds, a brand new black leather armchair now sits in place behind his desk.
A/N: Hey all, this is a very long story. Like to point out that no pigs and cat were harmed during the production and the schizophrenic dwarf is purely for humour purposes. Please don't be offended. It's all in good fun. Thanks for being patient. Like it? Hate it? Review pls! Thanks!