/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R)
I got reviews! Awesome!! Lots of thanks to:
Vara, SummerRainForever, Sathanas, mugglelady3000, Ciggy, shadowycat, werecat99, Ivory Tower, hattrick, All Mighty Terrestrial and Rae Roberts!! Thank you! Hope you like this new chapter ^^
All Mighty Terrestrial: Hi! To answer your question, the dwarf was Professor Flitwick! **/
Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight®It was many, many… MANY months later when the acting and filming crew received bright yellow post-its with the date and time for the next production stamped on them. The words 'p.s: Guess what happens to latecomers?' distinctively sent shivers down their spines as they perused the note in fear. All except Peter Pettigrew (otherwise known as Wormtail)… seeing that he didn't have one. A spine, I mean. Anyhoo, as '3 Little Pigs' had to be filmed outdoors, the spot beside Hagrid's hut was once again used as the meeting venue.
~@~
Filming day has finally descended upon the participants like a bad migraine. You can't stop it, you can't make it go away and resistance is futile. The hour is still early but the required participants are already awake and are now sitting upon the heath in thunder, lightning and in rain, wishing for filming to be done and discussing who will lose and win the next Quidditch match. Apparently this weather matches the mood of the Slytherins who understandably, are very upset with today's production even though the entire cast belongs to said House. I mean, come on, three pigs and a wolf?
On the other hand, the Golden Trio (we all know who) are snickering endlessly at their rival House, occasionally puncturing the air with loud 'HOGwarts'. The Gryffindors are not required to be present but this is too good a chance to be missed - baring witness to the utter humiliation of their bitter enemies. The Slytherins try to regain their dignity by glaring maliciously around but this serves to fuel and intensify the ribbing instead. At the far end, the Golden Oldies are also having a field day. The rest of the staff stare in horrified amusement as the Headmaster, Minerva and Hagrid continue to mock poor Severus, who is looking paler than usual.
The remaining two Houses have wisely decided to stay out of this ancient rivalry even though it IS very tempting to give the Slytherins a taste of being on the other end of a joke. Yes, the butt. They fear the repercussions of their actions following post-production. The wrath of a vengeful Potions Professor may lead- (correction) WILL lead to them having negative House-points and Professor Sprout and Professor Flitwick (the Head of House for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, respectively) are not exactly the most reliable teachers in Hogwarts to depend on for help. Seeing that they tremble in his presence too.
~@~
The hour of reckoning approaches and the crowd falls into an uncomfortable silence. A particularly loud rumble resounds across the dark sky and the author appears holding a loud speaker in hand, script book tucked in the back pocket of her Levi's® jeans. A very wet, very pissed off author.
*click* :: *extreme foul mood* Testing. *static* So. People. Not feeling happy about today's filming? *static* Eh? *click*
All: *shaking of heads*
*click* :: *hisses* Then why is the blasted weather so damn blasted?! *click*
Hermione raises her hand nervously much to the chagrin of all. "Because-"
*click* :: You have TEN seconds to clear it up. I want to see the sun. I want to see a blue sky. I want to see the ground devoid of puddles. *screams into loud speaker* NOW!! *click*
And true to her words, in the space of ten seconds, an extremely bright blue sky appears and the ground is as dry as Snape's sense of humour. With the sun blazing away in full heat, the only way to tell whether the existing dampness on the clothes is due to sweat or rain is the smell.
*click* :: Goooood. *fans self* Actors, get change. House elves, set up the props. Filming crew, follow me. The rest? Sit down and shut up. *click* *strides off to a corner*
~@~
In the trailer…
Draco: *screams* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET AWAY BEFORE I HEX YOU!!
Cowering house elf: P-p-please D-d-draco M-malfoy… Tinky must do this! *shiver* *whimper*
Crabbe and Goyle: *fascinated* Look Draco, we look like pigs!
Draco: *turns pale* I know that, you idiots!!!
Neville: *pokes head in* Five minutes to haul ass! *leaves the trailer laughing maniacally*
~@~
Deathly silence fills the air when the three Slytherins in all of their pink glory step out of the trailer. Not a whisper, nor a gasp. That's mainly due to the fact that the author had told them to shut up minutes before. Draco shuts his eyes and starts to pray hard for a massive heart attack to befall on all those present. Unfortunately, the Powers Above™ have taken a short vacation to the Caribbean. Please leave your name and prayer(s) after the sound of a beep. We will get back to you as soon as we feel like it. BEEEEEEP…
Draco: Ack!!
:: *STARE* Quiet, pinkie.
*click* :: Alright, those compelled to laugh, you have ten seconds to do so. Where on earth is Lucius?! *click*
For the next ten seconds, the Slytherins try to hide their faces in their hands as the rest of the audience cackle endlessly.
Lucius: *apparates* *sidles up to author and gives a wolfish smile* Pardon my lateness.
:: Ooo… *sigh* You are forgiven. *coughs* Lucius, go get changed.
Lucius: This IS my costume. *fingers dark brown full-length fur coat*
:: *flatly* THAT is a fur coat.
Lucius: Wolf pelt. Very expensive and very genuine… *supreme arch of the eyebrow*
:: *speechless* *turns back to camera crew*
~@~
*click* :: We'll start with the first pig. Crabbe, get ready. Silence, all! *click*
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 1! Take 1! *CLACK*
A small straw hut stands alone by itself at the edge of the forest. Crabbe waddles to it holding a tuft of straw in one hand.
Pig #1: Erm. I am the first pig. Wee-wee-wee. I… erm… build my own hut. It's made of straws. *waves straw in front of camera* *pauses for a few seconds* Wee-wee.
Audience: *baffled silence*
Pig #1: *whines* It's too tight. *plucks unhappily at pink leotard* And my butt feels funny. *tugs on his curled tail*
:: *squeezes script book tightly in fist* *grits teeth* Con. Ti. Nue.
Pig #1: *fidgets* I have two brothers. They are pigs too. Mother says I'm the stupid one. But I do not think so. Erm. *racks brains* Because straws are the cheapest and now I have many galleons left. Wee-wee-wee. *looks at author* I'm hungry.
Severus: *mutters under breath* Idiot.
:: *ignores Crabbe* Cut! Next scene! LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 2! Take 1! *CLACK*
The Big Bad Wolf™: *does a sashay forward* My, my, what do we have here? A fat and rich pig… Such cholesterol… Such wealth. *purrs* Perfect.
Pig #1: *enters his straw hut*
The Big Bad Wolf™: *raps on door* Little pig, little pig, let me in.
Pig #1: *squeals* Who is it?
The Big Bad Wolf™: How would you like to buy some health insurance?
Pig #1: *squeals* Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!
The Big Bad Wolf™: Open the door or I will huff and puff and blow the house down!
Pig #1: It's made of straw! Scat!
The Big Bad Wolf™: *impatient* Little pig, little pig, let me in!!
Pig #1: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin! Go away!
The Big Bad Wolf™: *whips out wand* Alohomora! *door opens* Let's see where you can hide… Now sign this damn form so I can meet my quota!
Pig #1: Never!! *mounts broom and bursts out of the roof*
:: AAANNND CUT!! *feels a headache coming* *sigh* Ok, get ready the stick hut!
~@~
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 3! Take 1! *CLACK*
A small stick hut stands alone by itself at the edge of the forest. Goyle shuffles slowly forward, looking very blur.
Pig #2: … … *looks around*
:: CUT!! Goyle, what are you waiting for??
Pig #2: *stares blankly*
Severus: *mutters under breath* Moron.
Lucius: *taps feet* I don't have all day. My Lord calls for me.
:: Well, if your Lord wants you, he can jolly well come here himself!
Blinding flash of light and Voldemort apparates before the crew.
Audience: AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!
Music starts up.
Voldemort: *clears throat and shakes maracas* *shika shika* They call me Voldemort, I'm the king of the rumba beat, when I shake my maracas, they go chik chikiboom chik chikiboom!
Silence.
Voldemort: *rasps* Well?
Silence.
Lucius, Wormtail and Severus: *clap. clap.*
*click* :: People, stop catching flies! This is a very short story so let's get it over with! You! He-who-must-not-sing! Sit down! Crew, get ready! *click*
Voldemort: You- *Wormtail whispers into Voldemort's ears* ARE absolutely right. *sits down immediately*
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 3! Take 2! *CLACK*
Pig #2: *drools* I'm erm…
:: *flatly* That's a start.
Pig #2: I am the second pig. Brother of… erm… the one with the straw. I live in a wooden hut. That means it's made of sticks. Yah. Sticks. *daze look*
Pig #1 flies in and crashes through the roof.
Pig #1: *runs out* Help! *pants*
Pig #2: *monotone* Why, if it isn't my brother. Erm. Welcome! Wee-wee.
:: *wince*
Pig #1: Wolf. Bad. Chase. Shelter. Here. Wee-wee.
Pig #2: Erm. Ok.
And they both enter the stick hut.
:: And cut!! *sigh*
~@~
:: Lucius, get ready!
:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 4! Take 1! *CLACK*
The Big Bad Wolf™: Two little pigs! *rubs hands in glee* *raps door* Little Pigs, little pigs, let me in!
Pig #2: Erm. Ok.
Pig #1: *squeal* No! *to TBBW™* Not by the hairs of our chinny chins chins!!
The Big Bad Wolf™: This is getting tired. Let me in dammit! *snarl* Or I will huff and I will puff and blow your house down AND Crucio your fat hide!
Voldemort: *looks on proudly* Atta-boy! *shakes maracas*
Pig #2: *shiver* I think we better let Mr Malfoy in… *nervous*
Pig #1: *looks at script* But we can't! *reads aloud* Let's fly to the house of our smart brother, Pig #3.
Pig #2: *nods mutely*
Just as TBBW™ unlocks the door using the same spell, the two not-so-light-and-bright pigs burst out through the hole in the roof on a broomstick and subsequently crash to the ground in a tangled pink heap of trotters.
Pig #1 and #2: Ow.
Severus: *mutters under breath* Nitwits.
Dumbledore: There now, Severus. You should be supporting them!
Severus: *Oh-Shut-Up GLARE®™*
:: *pops prozac* Happy. Think happy thoughts. Think of little bunnies. Cute and furry bunnies. *giggles to self* … heh heh…
Uncomfortable silence.
*click* :: *clears throat* LUNCH BREAK! *click*
~@~
Lunch was a simple fare of chicken stew and bread and it went by way too fast for the Slytherins' liking. Grumbling quietly, they assemble back at the filming spot once more. The self-proclaimed Prince of Slytherin, Draco Malfoy, stands beside his brick house warily as he keeps his emotions in check.
Draco: A Malfoy NEVER panics. *gulp*
*click* :: Alright, get ready! The story's ending so let's get it on! *click*
~@~
:: L! C! A!
Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 5! Take 1! *CLACK*
Pig #3: *sneers* I am the smartest *grits* pig and this is my grand abode. It's made of bricks as you losers can jolly well see for yourself. Trespassers will be hexecuted.
Pig #1 and #2 limp slowly to Pig #3.
Pig #3: *flatly* Oh look. My wonderful stupid brothers have come to pay me a visit. What do you hogs want?
Pig #1: *wheezes* We…
Pig #2: *pants pants*
Pig #1: seek help…
Pig #3: What the hell for?! Your presence is defiling my home! Go away!
The Big Bad Wolf™: *saunters in* *purrs* Hello, little piggies…
Pig #1 and Pig #2: *screams* AAIIIIEEE!! *runs into house*
Pig #3: And you are?
The Big Bad Wolf™: Missster Wolf, from D.E Corporation. I'm merely selling some insurance… Such rich little piggies like you deserves only the best plans…
Pig #3: Just how much money are we talking here… for… their *quick glance at house* beneficiary
The Big Bad Wolf™: *purrs* A lot.
:: *flips script book frantically* What??
Pig #3: *smiles* May I see the plans?
The Big Bad Wolf™: Of course…
Pig #3 takes a sheath of papers and enters the house.
Audience: … …
Pig #3: Dear brothers, I have come to an agreement with the evil wolf. Sign these forms and he will leave you two alone.
Pig #1: Really?
Pig #3: Trust me. *smiles benevolently* Sign here and here.
Pig #1 and Pig #2 places trotter-prints on the papers.
Pig #3: Good. Now help me boil some water… for dinner…
Pig #2: Ooo! What are we having, Dra- erm brother?
Pig #3: Stew.
Pig #3 exits the house and hands over life insurance plans to TBBW™.
The Big Bad Wolf™: I get 80 for this.
Pig #3: 10.
The Big Bad Wolf™: *sneers* 60.
(bantering continues)
:: *weakly* And… cut… narrator take over…
~@~
Ah-hem.
The pig and the wolf finally agree to split the lump sum of payout where the wolf gets 35%, since he will be receiving a hefty commission for snagging the deals and for meeting his quota for the month.
Pig #3 sends off a sad letter to Mother Swine stating her two other sons have met with an unfortunately fatal accident. The letter states something about a pot of boiling water and falling down the chimney. Naturally, she happens to be too busy planning for another high society ball in the barnyard to ask HOW and WHY.
~@~
*click* :: Dismiss… *click* *staggers off the set*
So filming day is over and everybody goes back happy, although slightly uncomfortable by the ending. Voldemort gives Albus the 'evil eye', whatever that means, and returns to his hideout.
Lucius and Draco give each other a rare hug before pulling away hastily because (insert quote) 'a Malfoy does not show emotions in public'.
A/N: The end! Hope you like it. Stay tuned for the next one: Cinderella. *snicker*