Title: While He Was Away
Characters: Yami no Bakura, Bakura Ryou
Chapters: 1-1||Words: 1,193
Genre: Angst||Rated: G
Summary: Some people think they're insane when they hear voices...Bakura wonders if he might be heading that way when he doesn't.

He can't be gone. It's just some kind of a nightmare, isn't it? The one where you wake up and it's morning and everything's back to normal. He can't be gone. I can't be alone again.

This isn't my normal, not anymore. One might think it was, as no one else I know shares their body with a tomb robber from five thousand years ago. That's the normal I'm used to, that I've come to live with since he first made himself known to me.

It's amazing what you can get used to, you know. Oh, I didn't have to get used to much. Just times when I had no idea of what I was doing and things like that. He can't hurt me too much, after all. Though now I wonder if he'd try anyway, after what happened in that last Shadow Game.

So I got used to things, and 'normal' had an entirely new definition. In some ways, it was very comforting to have someone with me all the time. With my father away as much as he is, it used to be rather lonely.

A little pathetic of me, isn't it? To think of an insane, superior, smug, psychopathic halfway disembodied spirit as company. Well, you take what you can get sometimes. I did have friends before him, but they vanished pretty quickly. I know now that he was responsible for it. He claims he was doing it for me, so I could always play with them, but I have to wonder if he was telling the truth. He can be possessive sometimes. Not to mention that I really don't think his plans for the use of my body included regular visits with other people. At least not ones that don't have a Millenium Item of some kind.

Thinking about him makes me feel a little less as if something has been ripped away from me that I can't ever restore. Touching the Millenium Ring makes things feel a little better, but not much. I've caught myself staring at it when no one's looking, trying to reach out and see if he's there somehow. But there hasn't been any kind of a response at all.

Am I going to have to face the loss of someone else in my life again? I thought I'd done it enough with Mother and Amane, but it's beginning to look as if fate has other ideas. I'd dearly love to have a nice chat with fate one day. I have so many things I'd like to discuss with her.

Such as why does she find my life so obviously fun to play with.

Sorry, I try not to be bitter. But some days, I just can't help it. Today seems to be one of those.

But I'd really rather not deal with losing him, if I don't have to. Maybe he's just resting somewhere, building up his strength to come back. Or hiding. I'm not certain on everything that happened in that game, but I have the impression it would be a very good idea to wait to challenge Yuugi until the odds are a bit more in his favor.

Maybe on a day when I can't be the one who controls who is going to come out on top. He learns from experience, I know that, and he obviously had no idea I was going to do what I did. If he comes back...no, wait, I mean when he comes back. Yes, when. When he comes back, he won't put me in a position where I can turn the tables on him again. I know I chose of my own free will to do what I did, but I'm not even certain why anymore. I know I thought it was a good idea at the time. But now, I have no idea.

Parts of me don't even want to think about what he might do when he returns. Somehow I'm going to get punished, I'm certain of it. I might even deserve it. I don't want to believe I do. What he was doing was wrong, and I was right to oppose him, even if it meant giving up my life, but he is me, in a way. So that means part of me wanted to do those things, to hurt people who have only been nice to me since I met them.

I can't say I know them, though, because I don't. I think that would be even more of an offence to him. I don't know any of them that well, and I know him so much more, but I chose them over him, and let whatever happened to him happen. I think I might have even thanked Yuugi for it. I feel so ashamed of myself now.

How can I feel two different things for the same entity? Fearing what will happen when he returns, and fearing even more what will happen to me if he doesn't. Fearing what will happen so much I can't even let myself believe it might happen, that he won't come back! He's called me pathetic a few times. I begin to believe that I just might deserve it. I've called myself that before, I think. Yes, I do indeed deserve it.

I miss him. I want him back. Even if he tortures me for what I did, I believe it would be worth it to have him around again. He never really talked to me, not like a friend, but I could feel him watching sometimes. More from boredom than any other reason, of course. The modern era has some attraction for him, and he's learned how to handle himself by using me as a resource material, as if I were a library or something.

The Bakura Library. Heh. Not very funny, but I've never been much of a comedian.

There are still traces of him around, even now. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't escape him. The deck I carry was my own creation, but it seems to respond to him more than to me. We've played a few games, via our soul rooms, and he's always beaten me. I don't think he'd ever lost, until that last game. We both lost there. He lost his grip on this reality, and I think I'm losing mine.

Some people would say they were insane when they heard voices in their heads. I think I could be going insane because I'm suddenly not.

I never claimed to be like other people, though. The light purple hair is kind of a giveaway, after all. You might think I was in some kind of anime if you judged just by my looks, and the looks of the others. After all, Yuugi has three colors in his hair, and I think they're all natural. We're anime material, all right.

What else would he call me if he were still around? It's not healthy at all to keep thinking about him, I know, but I do it anyway. It's my own head, I can think what I want. So there! That was childish.

He'd probably berate me for following this group as if I were actually a part of it. Or he might be glad I am, because this way he could keep an eye on the Millenium Puzzle, and any other such artifacts that might turn up. Plus we're getting closer and closer to the castle, and there's another item there. He'll want that, I'm sure of it.

So even when he's not here, I'm doing what I think he wants. Maybe if I do a good enough job, he won't be quite as angry with me. I fondly hope that, at least.

Even if I'm not 'one of them', they treat me like I am. I take part in the conversations, I'm certain if I really wanted to duel, they'd support me just as I do them. It's not quite the same as having him there inside of me. That had a special kind of feeling to it. They could leave me or I could leave them at any time. But with him, we were forever.

Or so I thought, at least. Sometimes forever isn't as long as you think it is. You'd think I'd know that, of all people.

Maybe this is supposed to be some kind of a lesson I have to learn. Not to depend on people or think they'll stay around or something like that. That sounds a lot like what he'd tell me. The only being he depends on or really believes in is himself. I want him to believe in me, but that's not going to happen.

I have to stop obsessing on what I did. Maybe if I can get beyond that, he'll come back. That didn't make a shred of sense, did it? Who am I even asking that of?

Wait, something's going on. We've been trying to find our way out of this underground maze for what feels like forever, and...could this mean he's still around? The Millenium Ring is moving. The pointers are twitching around. This hasn't happened without him being around before. I'm seeing something in my head. This maze, and a way out of it. I think it's going to lead us to some more of Pegasus' lackeys, but at least we won't be trapped here any longer. That's fine with me.

So now I get to be the one running ahead of everyone, guiding them. It feels good, to be depended on and to know I can be trusted. It feels even better to touch the Ring and feel the warmth against my fingers. It's never reacted like this to me before. Only to him. I don't even know what to think about it. I just revel in it.

Having this happen makes me feel closer to him, wherever he is. He's out there, I'm certain of it. I call for him over and over in my mind, even as I'm running. He has to be there. I can't accept anything else. No matter what happens, regardless of what he does to me or to anyone else, we have to be reunited. My sanity won't take anything less.

You're...a fine one to speak of...sanity...yadonushi.

That voice. That feeling. Flickering in and out, but still there.

It's you...

Who else would it be? His favorite seasoning coats his words: sarcasm. We are going to have ourselves a very long talk when I am ready for it. About loyalty to oneself, among other things. I do not believe you quite understand how displeased I am with you.

I truly don't believe I expected anything less. Now I remember the helplessness and fear that comes along with the eternal companionship and defense against anyone else who attempts to harm me. A trade-off that I had no choice in making, but one I know I can't back out of, and don't want to. I really wasn't complete until he came along. He is the part of me I missed all my life, the part I wondered even existed when bullies and the like tormented me in my younger years, laughing at the way I look and act. I wanted to know why I couldn't be like the others, and fight back. Now I know.

The part of me that has that strength wasn't there. Now that he is, I don't have to worry about them. Just about him. It's something I've become used to, the way you're used to living in a certain home, with the furniture a certain way. I've heard about Stockholm Syndrome, where people identify with their captors to the point they might even think they're in love with them. I don't really think this is something I have to worry about, not that I would. He's not my captor. He's me.

Despite the building rage from him, deep inside, I smile.

He's home.

The End