Chapter 3: Lessons
Andi woke slowly, stretching in bed.
For a moment she just lay there, staring up at the ripples of light that danced off the water in the backyard pool. It was nice to just be able to lie there, not to have to worry about schedules or practicing or lessons…
Lessons.
She sat upright in bed. She was supposed to start her shielding lessons with Emma today. A quick glance at the clock showed that it was eight o'clock. Mom would be getting up soon; Emma was probably already up. She sighed, slid out of bed, and pulled on her jeans and T-shirt, and left her room, closing the door behind her.
The nightmare of the night before was still with her as she stood in the bathroom brushing her teeth; but in the warm light of morning her dreams seemed silly. They weren't here; they couldn't hurt her. Mom wouldn't let them.
She kept thinking as she yanked the brush through her thick hair. Mom had promised that she wouldn't let them hurt her, and Andi trusted her. Mom said Emma was the best one to teach her…and Andi trusted her on that too. Emma was cold and impersonal, but it wasn't like her own mother's malicious indifference. She really hadn't been around Emma too much since she'd come home; maybe she could get the other woman used to her if they spent more time together.
Just as soon as she could get her stupid hair to behave. Not for the first time Andi wished she could cut her hair; her hair was so long and thick and it got so terribly messy all the time. She sighed heavily; and it attracted the attention of someone passing outside the door.
Emma looked in the open bathroom door and saw Andi standing there trying to pull the brush through the long thick locks of brown hair. Without much success; it seemed to be stuck on a large snag. "Here," she said quietly, stepping in and taking the handle of the brush. Andi's eyes widened, but she didn't demur as Emma untangled the snag with cool, deft fingers, and drew the brush through the smooth hair. "There. It's easier if you can see what you're doing." She examined the hairbrush. "Is this the one you normally use?"
"Yes," Andi said quietly. "Mother always bought the stuff I used. Why?"
"Because as long and thick as your hair is, you really should be using something different," Emma said, putting the brush down on the bathroom counter. "Wait here." In moments she was back, handing Andi another brush still in its plastic package. "Go ahead," she said. Andi studied her for a second. Her face was still cool, but it wasn't as set as it had been the night before, which Andi had fuzzily remembered as being marble-like in its fixed expression. "I bought it for myself, but mine doesn't really need replacing." Andi looked at the new brush, and the expression on her face changed, to one of impassive coolness.
Emma noted the change in expression. "Andi? What is it?"
"Nothing." Andi started to try and rip into the package. Emma stopped her, showing her the easy-open tabs on the package, and watched as Andi, still expressionless, took out the brush. "Thank you," Andi said flatly.
Emma turned on her heel and continued toward the kitchen. Of all the cold, ungrateful children…she had tried, in her own way, to make up to the girl for the slap last night, but Andi looked like she didn't want to make up. She sat down in one of the kitchen chairs with a disgruntled expression that Ororo noticed when she came in a moment later. Emma was so upset she didn't think to ask where Ororo had been this early in the morning. "Emma, what is wrong?"
"I gave Andi a new brush. She could barely say thank you. I thought her face was going to shatter if she tried." Emma pressed her lips together.
"You slapped her last night, Emma. Maybe she does not forgive easily." Ororo turned on the coffee maker, and was about to leave it at that when she remembered something. "What kind of brush was it?"
"A wooden paddle brush, for that long thick hair of hers," Emma said, turning to look at the other woman. "Why?"
"Andi's mother used to spank her with a brush like that," Ororo said softly. "Hard spankings. Bruises all over, Andi said. She couldn't sit comfortably for days."
Emma covered her eyes with her hand. "Oh, God," she groaned. "And I just gave her a similar one. I didn't know, 'Ro."
"I'm sorry," came a voice from the door. Andi walked in and sat down at the table. "I should have been nicer, Miss Emma. It was a gift. You wouldn't…use it…like that, would you?" She looked like she was expecting to hear Emma say yes.
"Of course not!" Emma looked flustered. "I would never spank you. You're too old for it, for one; and two, it's your mother's job to do that." She nodded toward Ororo. Andi flicked her eyes toward Ororo, who shook her head. The girl relaxed visibly.
She grabbed a lock of her hair and examined it. "It did work better, though. It's not as tangled as it usually is."
"Have you thought about getting it cut?" Ororo said.
Andi shook her head. "Mother said the only thing that looked good on me was my hair. She insisted that I never get it cut. She would trim it every now and then, but she wouldn't cut it short. I even asked her a couple of times."
"Would you like to?"
Andi thought about it. "Yeah," she said after a moment. "I would…but I can't do it myself."
"Why don't you go to a stylist's?" Emma said. Andi's eyes widened.
"Could I? Mom? Could I?" Her eagerness was palpable. Emma smiled slightly at the eager tone, and mused that there was a lot of difference between Andi's 'Mother', referring to her real mother, and the way she said 'Mom' to Ororo. It was funny how she seemed to have bonded to Ororo in the few short months she had known the tall African woman.
"Later," Ororo said cheerfully. "Emma wants to start the lessons early so there will be time later for us to do what I wanted to do today."
Andi turned dutifully toward Emma, who made the smile vanish as she slipped into what she privately referred to as her 'teacher' mode. "Shielding isn't difficult," Emma began. "In fact, when Charles told me you didn't know how to shield I was rather surprised. Shielding usually comes automatically for those of us who have mental gifts. And empathy is rarely found alone; usually its empathy and telepathy together. Since that doesn't seem to be the case here, we'll just have to work with what we have. Now.
"A shield is a barrier around your mind, built by you to keep others' emotions out. In order to form this shield, you have to find your center, the calm core that everyone has inside their mind, and then ground your shield in that core of calm so that nothing will shake it. Do you understand?" Andi nodded. "Good then. Close your eyes, and let me take down my shield. I'm going to keep Ororo and me shielded so all you have to deal with is your own emotions. All right?""
Andi closed her eyes, and at Emma's urging she searched for the calm in her center. "Okay," she said finally. "I think I've got it. What do I do now?"
"Now imagine you're a tree, growing roots down into the ground…and your branches start growing, so thick and numerous that they form a barrier around your mind, so thick that no one can cut through it." Andi concentrated on doing so, then said, "Okay, I think I have it."
Then she gasped and clutched her head as Ororo's and Emma's emotions crashed into her head like a tidal wave. She didn't realize she was whimpering until they stopped coming abruptly, cut off by Emma reinstating a shield around Ororo's and her own emotions. "You didn't get it," Emma said, her voice sounding a little strange. "Give it another try. Find your center, then ground." Andi concentrated, making the wall of branches thicker this time, then nodded. And her barrier swept away in the flood of emotions.
So they did it again. And again. And again. As the lesson went on, Andi's barriers fell time and time again, until she was almost in tears from frustration. Emma was frustrated, too. It was such a simple thing. It was bad enough that Andi didn't know automatically how to block emotions out, but her repeated, fumbling attempts to form one were in vain. Every time Emma dropped the shields around her own mind the emotions crashed into Andi again. They took a quick break, and Emma walked out of the room in agitation.
Ororo sat down beside Andi, taking the girl's hand in her own. "Andi," she said coaxingly, "Do something for me. Try to relax." Andi squirmed around on the chair, then finally slumped. Ororo placed a cool hand on her forehead, then said, "Breathe. In, out, in, out. Relax. Empty your mind of everything; don't think about anything. Are you doing that?"
Andi concentrated. In, out, in, out, in, out. Breathe. Relax. She sighed as her frantically swirling mind relaxed, dropped all of its activity, and just stilled.
Emma came back in, and Andi struggled to hold onto that calm. When her shield was finally 'grounded' in the calm Ororo had taught her to make, she thought she had it. Then Emma dropped her shield, and Andi wailed in hopeless despair as emotions came flooding in.
"What is wrong with me?" she wailed, and Ororo hugged her as she beat her fists on the table. "Why can't I do it? Why is it so hard?"
"You're not trying hard enough," Emma snapped at her. "Come on. Again."
The afternoon wore away as Andi and Emma sat there at the table, trying to master Andi's unruly, uncooperative empathy. All of their efforts kept meeting with failure. Andi finally opened her eyes, brimming with tears, and said hopelessly, "I can't do it. I've tried and tried and tried and I still can't do it. I'll never get it. Please, Emma, can't you just create the shield for me and just teach me how to use it?"
"No," Emma said inexorably. "You have to create the shield. You have to learn to control it."
"Well, then, can you show me where my center is? Maybe it's like music. I've always been able to learn music better after I heard it played. Please?"
"I won't always be here to show you where it is," Emma said, hoping what she really felt didn't show in her eyes. "You have to learn to find it yourself. But not today; what we've done is enough for today. We'll pick up again tomorrow; you're too stressed for any more of this tonight." She got up, pushed her chair back from the table, and left the kitchen.
Andi sat there in a chair. "I tried, Mom, I really did," she whispered to Ororo. "I really did."
Ororo shook her head. "I am not mad at you, child, really, I am not. I am…disappointed."
Andi sat there at the table in silence as she and Ororo ate a beef stir-fry for dinner, then, still silent, she retreated to her room when Ororo told her she didn't have to do the dishes that night. 'Ro did the dishes in silence, hung up the towel, and then headed off to her room to call Xavier. She was passing Andi's closed door when she heard something suspiciously like a sob. She tapped on the door gently. "Andi?" Another sob. "Andi?" she tried the knob. The door wasn't locked. "Andi, I'm coming in."
Andi was lying face-down over the bed, face buried in Ali's soft tummy, her shoulders shaking with sobs. Some part of Ororo noticed rather distantly that the girl had been putting on weight; she was almost back to 'slender' from 'emaciated'. "Andi, what's wrong?"
'I tried!" Andi howled in frustration and disappointment. "I really really tried, but I couldn't do it. I'm a failure, like my mother said, I'm an ungrateful, selfish--" and the word she used made Ororo's eyes widen. How could Andi's mother use such hateful words to her daughter?
"You are not," Ororo said. "Andi, whatever gave you the idea that you were a failure? That you were selfish and ungrateful?"
"You said…you said…" Andi choked on her words for a moment before she finally said, "You said you were disappointed in me. I tried, Mom, I really did! Please!"
"I am not disappointed in you, Andi! I was disappointed with the lack of progress, but I am not disappointed in you! I could never be disappointed with you. You are a very determined, strong-willed child; I could not have survived all that you have and still made a passably decent person. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Andi sat up and wiped her eyes. "I understand. But I'm still sorry, Mom."
"Don't be, Andi. Please. I'll do what I can to help you out." Ororo hugged her briefly, then followed Andi out of the room. Andi headed for the bathroom to wash her face and get herself under control; Ororo headed for Emma's room.