Disclaimer: I don't own M*A*S*H, god I'm only 18 anyways, the show was on long before I was even thought of…^^ They own me! Hai…I don't even own the song "Suicide is Painless" the idea however, is mine… so rah.

Authoress Notes:

The following story is inspired by two things. My recent obsession with "Suicide is Painless"

(Manic Street Preachers/J Mandel versions) and an experience I had early last year with a friend... the conversation between the characters is somewhat the same as the one I had with my friend. Save for Hawkeye's explanation...and the devices used. I think my friend's attempt would have hurt a bit more.

My first One Shot. Also... my first M*A*S*H Fic…

Be truthful in your opinions people. But don't be too harsh!!

And might I say, I pray that my story holds up to some of the others out there…



Cheers folks.

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Takes place not long after Henry's death..

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Something startled me from the clasp of sleep I'd just managed to drift to a little after Midnight.



Looking around in the blackness I listened closely, it was raining. Could that have been what woke me up? The pitter patter of rain on the ground?



On second thought...a crash of thunder brought me to my senses and caused a slight annoyance to bubble up in my chest, as well as a little bit of unease. Don't tell me I woke up because of a little storm...I groused silently and settled back into my pillow.



Until the flash of lightning following the thunder lit up the compound for a second.



Something or somebody was sneaking around the compound.

Yawning I sat up and slid my feet over the side of the cot and squinted slightly. Grabbing my robe I decided to go investigate. I mean, nobody in their right minds would be out for a midnight stroll in the middle of a storm.

"Trap," I whispered and tapped him on the shoulder, which gained me nothing but silence. "Trapper, come on wake up." I said and shook him slightly.

A groan later he rolled over towards me, one eye open before sliding back shut.



"Come on, get up, I think there's somebody sneaking around the compound...and it isn't one of us." I pressed as another flash of lightning brought my attention back outside.

"Fine for them...maybe it's a Korean coming to take our trusty leader off..." was the only response I received.



"Oh...go soak your shorts!" a groggy Frank retorted in his sleep.

Nice to see the banter continues even in sleep land.

All was silent again in the swamp, save for the repetitive smattering of water on the tent. "No, no Trap, don't bother yourself, I'll go have a look see as to who could possibly be out...." I muttered irritably.



"Kay..." he responded absently and I glared at him through the darkness.

Whoever was out better pray they have a good reason, if not, I'll kill 'em. Hell, even if they do I may strangle them.

Stumbling over something I shoved the door open and grabbed one of Frank's shirts and held it over my head, which in turn, became soaked in seconds. Tossing it aside absently I looked around trying to remember which way the figure I spotted was heading.

Another round of thunder and lightning gave my answer as the foot prints in the mud led in the direction to my left.



So, either they were out for a midnight snack, or for a trip to the supply tent. Why the hell was I awake for this again? Oh right, that little ice cube that had decided to settle in my stomach...

After a few muttered curses at mud puddles and rainstorms I managed to find my way to the supply tent, of course, I didn't need any navigational skills for that trip.

Just as I reached the tent I watched a shadowed figure slip in half hazard. If I'm not mistaken, that short little figure could belong to none other than...



Radar? What would he be doing in the supply tent at Midnight?

Slipping in after him my eyes adjusted to the dim light in the room and I watched him move to a corner near the gowns and blankets.

What was the little guy up to? I know Frank's been a bit bossier to him, but you'd think work could wait till at least dawn.

He had something clutched in his left hand, and his faithful teddy in his right, as he sat down quietly, and I noticed it then, for the first time. He was crying.



A fear welled in my chest as I remembered something from earlier in the week...

Hours after the announcement of Henry's death had been made everybody was filing out of the OR silently, a very depressed air clinging to the group.

Trap had been deathly silent throughout the rest of our operations, and Margaret seemed to be having a hard time concentrating. Poor Frank didn't know what to do either. Of course that could have been because he was trying to not have a fit at being the new C.O...

The next day or so was about the same, no more incoming wounded so no activity. All we had left to do was...concentrate on Henry. Or try not to concentrate on Henry.



The one person I was concentrating on though, was a 19 year old Corporal named Radar who had been mysteriously absent these past days. And when he was spotted it was in the mess tent, sitting around, not eating; just staring.

I had told Klinger to try and give the kid a break from his work, but he'd come back only minutes later.



"Sorry Hawk, he didn't even give me a second glance. The kid's still hard at work on the wire. Dunno what he thinks he's going to get done but...ah, whatever...give him some time, he'll come around eventually." was all he said and wandered off quietly.

Give him some time, he says. I gave him time. Another couple of day's in fact. Which probably wasn't the best thing to do.



I finally gave in to my nagging concern and slipped into his office at the week's end. His bunk was made, and didn't really seem like it'd been slept in for quite a while, which was proven when I saw Radar writing something down, head drifting closer and closer to the desk.

He looked like hell.



"Hey," I greeted and he seemed to start, then look up at me through half-dead eyes, "how are ya holding up?" I asked curiously.

"Just fine, sir," he muttered quietly.

"Liar, you want to talk about anything?"

Usually, when something bothered him, Radar came to me for advice, and I was happy for that…but lately, he's been quiet, hasn't talked to anybody. With something as big as losing Henry, who was a second father to him, he should be talking to somebody! But he was bottling it up…

"Hey, why don't you take a break from all your clerk work and take a nap. You're looking a little beat." I said smiling slightly.



"I'm fine, sir." he replied in a hushed voice.



"Radar, fine doesn't even come close to what you are at this point. When was the last time you slept? Or ate for that matter." I asked and stepped over next to him.

"I..." he started but trailed off, assumingly in thought, but there was no other reply.

"Radar?"



"I gotta get this done, Major Burns needs everything by noon..."



Frank, of course he wouldn't give the kid a break. Oh that son of a...



"Look Radar, just forget about Ferret Face, you're going to kill yourself if you keep this up. I want you to go to sleep; actually, no, I want you to eat something then go get some sleep." I demanded and he muttered something under his breath before looking up at me.



"Is that an order sir?" he asked hollowly.



"Much as I hate to say it, yes Radar, that's an order." I replied gently.



"Fine.." he grumbled and stood up, shuffling by me stiffly. I sighed and rubbed my eyes as the door shut behind him. What were we going to do with him?



Of course, that was followed by a muffled comment, and then a thud and I knew exactly what that was. "Radar!"

Shoving the doors open I stopped and saw said clerk face down on the ground, glasses askew; he was out cold.



Cursing slightly I called for Trapper, who was just coming out of post op.



"Hey, what happened?"

"He's been working himself sick, with help from our trusty C.O., Major Ferret Face of course. Come on, let's get him to the Swamp, nobody'll bother him there." I said and as we lifted him up, frowned at how light he seemed to have gotten.

"Shouldn't we go give him a check up? He's pale as a sheet, he looks horrible," Trapper commented as we made our way to our tent and I shook my head. "We should yes, lord knows he hasn't been eating anything, or sleeping for days. But right now, he needs at least 24 hours of complete sleep. Then we can worry about getting him back up to health."

Once we had him in my bed, since Frank had moved from the swamp to the C.O's tent, I ground my teeth slightly. "Keep an eye on him; I have a few things to take care of..." I said storming out.

Frank never knew what hit him.

That, I believe, was a week or so ago. Radar slept for about twenty four hours, like I suggested. Finally he ate, not much of course, and what little he ate came after the threat of being fed intravenously if he didn't on his own power.

He seemed okay though! A little quiet, hidden again, but was always sure to do what was good for him.

But I guess what I should have noticed, was that he still didn't talk to anybody, least of all me. I think he kind of held a touch of contempt after my interference in his life.

When I got closer I finally noticed what was in his other hand, and that ice cube seemed to jump into my throat…sleeping pills.

That damn ESP of his must have kicked in, because directly through the darkness, he looked straight at me.

Pulling the cord next to my face I turned on the light over head, and the sight of his tearstained face made my heart constrict slightly.



"Radar…"



"What's it look like?" he asked huddling up against the wall a bit more, turning away from me.

"I know what it looks like; I know what you want to do," I said taking a step closer to him, "what I don't understand is…why, this isn't like you at all."

How could I have missed this? Sure I'm no psychologist, that's Sidney's area…but I should have at least noticed.

"Why? Why not! Hawk-"he stopped mid sentence and fell silent again, choking back whatever it was, he was going to say.

I couldn't stand seeing him like this, so upset.

Taking my chances I moved forward again and sat down next to him. Watching as pushed himself further away, I sighed, "Look, I'm not going to take anything away from you. I just want to talk all right?"

He glanced at me, then down at the bottle in his hands, and let out a shaky breath, remaining silent for a long time.

A new wave of thunder rolled through and I looked up at the ceiling. A strong crash of lightning and thunder sent the tent into darkness, and I could almost feel his sudden intake of breath.

"It hurts." He said suddenly though, once the darkness settled around us.



Caught off guard I brought my gaze from the ceiling to him, curiously. "What hurts Radar?"



"Everything, sir…" he paused, and then corrected himself, "Hawkeye…I just don't want to be here anymore."

"I don't know a single person besides ferret face Burns that actually wants to be here." I said teasingly.



"No, I mean…I don't want to be here anymore. Alive." He said a bit straighter forward and I winced inwardly. I knew that was coming.



"It's not like anything I do is worthwhile, anyways. I mean, when Colonel Blake was alive, he-I-" he trailed off quietly and shook his head.



"Don't say that Radar, you know what you do is very worthwhile." I interrupted his stuttering and he shook his head. "You've got a lot of people who depend on you; and would miss ya."



"No they wouldn't." he muttered dejectedly, "Colonel Blake was…he was like my father, Hawkeye. He was-was…" a little sob slipped from his throat and he coughed.

"I know it's hard, Radar, to lose somebody like that. You lost your real dad when you were little, and now Henry, somebody who you depended on as a father, you lost too. I know that hurts…"

"It hurts so much…" he said drawing his legs up to his chest, still eyeing the sleeping pills.

"Radar, you know I lost my mother and sister. Right?"

He nodded quietly, "yeah…"

"Well, it hurt a lot then too. It's just dad and I, and don't think I don't miss them at all. Because I do…every day." I said gently.

"How do you deal with it though? I mean, how can you…"



I laughed slightly, "How do I get over it? How does anybody get over that kind of a loss? Nobody ever gets over something that serious. That death, is like a piece of your heart has been torn out."



"It does feel like that. I don't like it, how come you've never-you know…"



"Tried to do what you're doing? Actually, I'll let you in on a little secret." I said and he blinked curiously. "Push over," I muttered and he moved so I could sit down, and I drew him a little closer, putting my arm around his shoulders.



"Look, when I was younger, something happened, similar to this." I started and he seemed stunned.



"What do you mean?"



Closing my eyes I shook my head, "during med school I had a friend, Terry Collins, we were both 20 and a lot alike. Well, he'd been having some family problems, and, without delving into detail, on his 21st birthday, I went to visit him at his dorm…and he was…" I trailed off, trying to shake off the image of Terry, in his bedroom, with all that blood. God, it was just disturbing. "He killed himself, Radar, shot himself in the head."

I felt the kid jolt slightly and shudder, frowning I pulled him a little closer, setting my chin on top of his head. "It was the most horrifying experience of my life."



"But, if he was your friend, why didn't you-"



"The mess he left behind, was just as traumatic." I said, pretending not to hear what he was trying to say.

"He had a girlfriend, you know, whom apparently he planned to marry once they both graduated from school, turns out she was pregnant. She's now raising a beautiful little girl on her own. His little sister, who had a relationship with him - kind of like you and me-well, I don't want to talk about that."

The ice in my throat seemed to turn to fire in an instant, and all that anger I felt from Terry's death welled up in my chest. The heat in my cheeks was a bother as I fought back a wave of sorrow.



Radar wasn't having such luck, I felt him trying to bite back sobs. The poor boy was a wreck, and I don't think I was helping all that much.

I talked to him a bit more, told him about life after Terry, and he listened quietly. After a while I checked to make sure he was still awake and found his grip on the pills loosening. But, I couldn't chance taking them away just yet...

"My dad," he said after a moment, "he died when I was three, but you know that. I was so mad at him, Hawkeye. So mad because he died, but, of course I sorta settled down once I, you know, realized that it wasn't his planning to go and die the way he went and did. It just happened. Ma told me how it was when I was a bit older." he paused for a second before continuing, "But I was still so upset, I never got to know him..."

"I know Radar," I said and rubbed his shoulder slightly, "it's never easy to lose somebody close to you."

"It'd just be so easy, though, you know, to just...to just fall asleep and never wake up." the simplistic pain in his voice just brought the anger back, and I closed my eyes shaking it away.

"It's never that easy,"

"No?" he asked with that naivety of his.



"Of course not," I said, the humor in my voice hollow, "especially when you're in the army, all the red tape stops you before you can even begin to try it..."

He snorted slightly, and I had to smile, if even bitterly.



"You keep telling me not to, um, you know...but, you don't tell me why." he said dully and I frowned again.



"I don't want you to." I replied simply.

"What?" he looked up to me in utter confusion pushing himself up to a full sitting position.

"That's why I keep telling you not to. Because, I don't want you to." I muttered and watched him shift his gaze to the ground muttering something under his breath.



"Mind repeating that?"

"I said..." he whispered slightly, "that you've got more important things to worry about, than just me..." shifting uncomfortably, carefully avoiding my now sharp glance.

"Radar!" I snapped and he flinched, "That's not true, and you know it." I exclaimed, turning around and grasping his shoulders. What could I do to get through to him?

"But..." he tried to rebuttal and I cut him off.



"No but's. Radar, I know I've told you this before, but you're pretty much the little brother I've never had. How can you say that I've got more important things to worry about?" I demanded and he remained silent.

"Kid, I worry about you more than you may think, it's kind of my job you know."

He looked up at me despondently and I couldn't help but sigh. He was lost. Maybe I wasn't the right person for this job...maybe Father Mulcahy would be better...

Of course, one more look into the kid's eyes told me, no, it had to be me.

"Look," I said looking at him somewhat pleadingly, "Radar, please. Don't. Just, don't. Not now at least...just hang on a little longer."



This confused him, "what do you mean?"



"Make it till morning Radar; try to make it till morning for me okay?" I could try this, it may just work.



He cast me a curious glance, and I smiled slightly. "Just till morning?"



"Yeah, I'll stay with you even; make it a little easier okay?" I offered semi-seriously.



"What, you mean..."



"You know what I mean kid, just make it till then. It'll be a new day?"



He looked at me as if I were mad, then back at the bottle in his hands and sighed, handing it over with shaking hands.



"Kid?" I inquired glancing down at him only to receive a sob in return as he settled his head on my shoulder and cried again.

Wincing I slipped an arm around his shoulders and hugged him as he cried, a great sense of relief slipping into my stomach as I put the bottle in my robe pocket.

"I just miss him Hawkeye," he said weakly.



"I know Radar, but trust me, we'll get through this, all of us will. I promise you." I said reassuringly and let him cry, closing my eyes, which grew heavy in exhaustion.

Eventually his sobs calmed to soft crying, and after that came silence, as he had finally fallen asleep.



Looking down at him from the corner of my eye I praised whatever deity I could think of. Why? Because. Because Radar was brave enough to give it another shot, because he isn't the only one with a touch of a 6th sense…just because he was still alive.

What would I have done, if he would have succeeded? I don't know. Losing Henry was one thing, but losing yet another sibling would have just been too much.



You never realize it, when you're in so much pain, the trouble suicide causes. Lord knows it's a mess. And something I pray to god I never have to deal with again, in my life.



My final thoughts, paired with the distant rumble of thunder helped to lull me into a sense of security. Keeping a firm grip on Radar's shoulder I watched him sleep, and every so often tried to think of how we were going to deal with this situation tomorrow…but soon enough decided we'd cross that bridge when we came to it.

For now, all I had to worry about was keeping awake, so I sung quietly, a song I'd heard a while back, "…and you can do the same thing, if you please…"

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Dedicated in part to one teenager - code name "Kit-chan" for being my inspiration for this story, and giving me a chance to be her friend a little longer…and for not cutting her lifeline short.



Thank you, Angel, for everything, Forever and a day.

Remember, comments are greatly appreciated... thank you..