Act I scene ii
In a clearing in the woods by a cave, SNOW WHITE runs onto the stage, huffing and puffing as though she's been running very hard. She collapses center stage to catch her breath.
SNOW WHITE: What a day! The local WITCH declares that the fairest maidens in all the land be captured and locked in towers throughout the kingdom. Naturally, as I'm obviously the fairest of the fairest, I'm in the most peril! Fortunately, not only am I the fairest, I'm also the fastest maiden in all the land! (lifts skirt to reveal sneakers) They'll never catch me!
As SNOW WHITE talks to herself, the WOLF sneaks up on her.
WOLF: But I will! (grabs her)
SNOW WHITE: No! Don't take me to the WITCH!
WOLF: Why would I do that?
SNOW WHITE: Because the local WITCH declared that the fairest maidens in all the land be captured and locked in towers throughout the kingdom. You didn't hear my monologue?
WOLF: Must've missed it with my stomach grumbling. How does this fairest maiden stuff affect you?
SNOW WHITE: Well, I'm the fairest maiden in all the land!
WOLF: Says who?
SNOW WHITE: Says everyone!
WOLF: Did anyone actually chase you?
SNOW WHITE: Um, no. You think I was going to stick around after that decree was made? I may be the fairest but I am by no stretch the stupidest.
WOLF: Most stupid.
SNOW WHITE: Whatever.
WOLF: Well, all you look like to meal is a main course, toots, and judging by your lack of pursuit, I'd say that no one's going to mind if I snack on the fairest maiden in all the land. So, without further ado, dinnertime!
Just as the WOLF is about to pounce on SNOW WHITE, seven DWARVES carrying garden tools crawl out of the cave.
JAN: EEK! A WOLF!
WOLF: EEK! DWARVES!
There is a mad scramble as the DWARVES and SNOW WHITE try to get away from the WOLF and the WOLF tries to get away from the DWARVES. Finally, the WOLF escapes off stage while the DWARVES cower behind SNOW WHITE.
FEB: Is it gone?
MAR: I think so.
APR: That was a close one!
MAY: You said it!
JUN: What was it doing in this neck of the woods?
JUL: Who cares? It's gone now.
SNOW WHITE: Excuse me. Who are you?
JAN: JANUARY.
FEB: FEBUARY.
MAR: MARCH.
APR: APRIL.
MAY: MAY.
JUN: JUNE.
JUL: JULY.
SNOW WHITE: What kinds of names are those?
JAN: They're ours. What's your name?
SNOW WHITE: SNOW WHITE.
FEB: You are sorta pale.
SNOW WHITE: Well, where are the rest of you?
MAR: The rest of us?
SNOW WHITE: You know- August, September, October, November, and December.
APR: Who are they?
SNOW WHITE: Never mind. What are you doing way out here?
MAY: Working in that cave. We're miners.
SNOW WHITE: I was wondering why you were so short.
JUN: Miners! Not minors.
SNOW WHITE: (Jeopardy theme) Wait, what?
JUL: We dig underground for ores, minerals,
jewels, and stuff like that.
SNOW WHITE: Oh! Miners!
JAN: So… what are you doing out here?
SNOW WHITE: An evil WITCH has declared that all the fairest maidens in all the land be locked in towers throughout the kingdom!
FEB: Really?
SNOW WHITE: Yup.
MAR: Did anyone actually chase you out here?
SNOW WHITE: Why does everyone keep asking that?
APR: Don't worry about that. Look, if a crazy WITCH is pursuing you, you're going to need a place to hide, right?
SNOW WHITE: Right.
MAY: All right, come with us. We know the perfect place.
SNOW WHITE: You'll really help me?
JUN: Sure, why not?
JUL: It's not like we have anything better to do. Follow us! (all exit)