*Here's another chapter just for your reading pleasure. Thanks to those of
you who reviewed, I can tell that of the 3 fics I'm doing currently, this
one is the favorite. I guess there's something about dealing with self
mutilation that hits everyone in some way. Anyway, here's the chapter,
thanks for reading!*
Reviews: Kikakai, anjuliet, Star Cherry, sweet-captor & amber-eyez
Every New Day
It was a Monday night. The town was sleeping, yet there was one soul whose eyes wouldn't close. Those amber eyes stared out into the darkness, past the stars and into the mystery of the night. Pieces of dark brown hair waved in the breeze, occasionally shielding the golden eyes from seeing anything. A small contented smile graced the lips belonging to this being, this peaceful gentle creature.
Syaoran folded his hands behind his back and drew in a breath, letting it flow out of his lungs slowly as he exhaled. Eyes closed, soul open, Syaoran let the outdoors envelop him as he stood on the balcony in the pale moonlight.
His mind was finally clear, it was almost a beautiful thing to him. No more thoughts of hurting himself, no more frustration. Since Sakura left Landon, things had been much better. Syaoran was able to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed to face the world. This was the kind of man his father wanted him to be; this was the type of leader the Li Clan needed.
No longer did Syaoran wear his long sleeved shirts to bed in fear of being awakened to the sound of his disappointed mother or family crying out over his disfigured arms. His upper torso bare, Syaoran walked back into his bedroom where he climbed into bed and sank into the softness. A heavy yet satisfied sigh escaped his lips, and his serious gaze moved from the ceiling to the side table where a photo of Sakura stood neatly.
That very spot seemed to radiate happiness through her electric smile and untamable spunk. Syaoran reached for the photo, barely able to reach its protective frame. Arm flopping in defeat, Syaoran pulled the covers up to his chest and closed his eyes to join the rest of the city in quiet slumber.
Tuesday morning greeted Syaoran with a slight grimace. The clear night before had been replaced with gray storm clouds bulging with rain. A harsh wind blew every so often, shaking the leaves in the trees around Syaoran's room. He sat up and squinted, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
'Eh . . . . rain. I can handle rain. No problem.' Syaoran thought as he got out of bed and started changing. A sharp rapping on his door made him look sharply and lose his balance as he tried to pull up his dress pants. He toppled to the ground, hitting his head against the desk.
"Dammit . . . yes, what is it?" Syaoran bellowed, slightly irate at that moment. The soft voice of Yelan penetrated through the door, making Syaoran mutter more curses about cursing in front of his mother.
"Syaoran, you're going to be late for school." Yelan answered calmly. The door opened, and Syaoran sprinted out, taking a moment to run back and kiss his mother on the cheek before sprinting down the stairs and out the front door.
Thunder was distantly rolling as Syaoran jogged quickly to class. He ran toward Sakura's hoping to catch her before she also sprinted out of her house. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the necklace he'd planned on giving to Sakura a year ago. Though it hadn't seen the light of day since that fateful day twelve months ago, it still retained that shining sparkle.
'Today. This is what I have waited for, hurt for. Today I'll tell her, and we'll be happy. This is it.' Syaoran thought, putting the charm back into his pocket as he ran. He stopped at the fence and watched as Touya walked out of the house, locking the door behind him. He scowled at Syaoran, who returned the gaze with the same affection.
"She isn't here, Li. You were too slow today." Touya teased as he got into his car and started off to work. Syaoran glanced at his watch and winced at the time; there was no way he was going to make it in time at this rate. Defeated but undaunted, Syaoran began to sprint toward the school.
Syaoran ran down the empty school hallways and skidded to a halt at the door to his first class. He checked his watch and took note that he was a good twenty minutes late. Shoulders shrugging, Syaoran opened the door to face his first period teacher.
"Ah, Mr. Li! I assume you're here to grace us with your presence!" the portly teacher exclaimed, pointing a chubby finger at Syaoran while the class snickered.
"I'm sorry, sensei." Syaoran said quietly, taking his seat behind Sakura. Sakura turned around and smiled at Syaoran, who returned the smile more than willingly.
"And who can answer this problem? Mr. Li, I believe this one shall be yours to determine, as you have had ample time already to flirt with Miss. Kinomoto." The teacher declared, pointing Syaoran out once again. Syaoran's ears filled with the sounds of his peers snickering. Running a hand through his hair and finding himself defeated once again, Syaoran shook his head, unable to answer.
"No answer, eh? Well, paying attention in class would have made the answer clear. Now you will be spending your afternoon with me in detention." The chubby teacher exclaimed, pushing her glasses up on her nose as she sniffed at Syaoran.
"Dammit . . . " Syaoran moaned softly, allowing his head to come into contact with his desk loudly.
The rain clouds still hovered over the city as the end of the day approached. Syaoran was sitting in his chair, eagerly anticipating the end of an excruciatingly frustrating day. It hadn't ended with him being late to school and earning detention. No, it was much more than that. His locker had jammed, preventing him to get his books and homework from it. Fortunately his teachers had understood, but they gave him extra problems to work on anyway, as a lesson.
Lunch had come around, and though it seemed to be an ordinary time of day, Syaoran found it to be Hell. Not only had he forgotten his lunch at home, he hadn't brought money to buy a lunch from the café. To add to the frustration, the principle called Syaoran into his office that period to talk to him about the school's policy on tardiness. Perfect.
The second half of the day wasn't as bad, but Syaoran knew something was going to happen. It was just his luck. The bell rang, shaking Syaoran out of his thoughts. Kids dashed out of their seats and out of the class, finished with another day of school. Syaoran stayed in his seat, waiting for his detention. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked to see Sakura staring down at him with her sympathetic green eyes.
"Rough day?" Sakura asked, smiling slightly. Syaoran shook his head and smiled. Sakura sat down in the desk beside him and moved some hair from his face.
"Poor Syaoran . . . maybe I'll stop by tonight and cheer you up?" Sakura asked, looking up at Syaoran and smiled seductively.
"Perhaps . . . that is if my trainer doesn't kill me for being late, which I know I will be with this detention I have to serve." Syaoran muttered, putting his head in his hands and sighing. Sakura rubbed Syaoran's shoulder and stood up to leave. Remembering the necklace, Syaoran jumped up to his feet.
"Sakura, I-" Syaoran started. Sakura turned around and faced Syaoran, but was drown out by the sound of their first period teacher instructing her to leave the detention classroom immediately.
"Gosh darnit!!" Syaoran muttered, slamming his fist down on the table as the teacher started her lecture.
After an hour of ranting from his teacher, Syaoran was finally set free. He ran out of the school quickly, knowing he was late for his training session. As he left the brick building, it began to rain in torrents. Shuddering with frustration, Syaoran sighed and began jogging home.
'It has threatened to rain all freaking day. Of course it would have to start just as I leave school.' Syaoran thought bitterly to himself as he ran.
"Syaoran, this is unacceptable for the next leader of the Li Clan! Getting into trouble like that . . . it's just not acceptable!" Yelan cried, throwing her arms up into the air after dinner. Syaoran stood before his mother, his head bowed, chin touching his chest.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself, Syaoran?" Yelan demanded, her voice actually growing angry.
"No Mother." Syaoran whispered, his amber eyes dulling with the words she spoke. Disappointment. She was disappointed in him. He hadn't even showed her his problem, the thing he thought would destroy her. He had been himself, and that wasn't good enough.
"I think you should go to bed, Syaoran." Yelan stated.
"Goodnight, Mother." Syaoran whispered, trudging up the stairs and into his bedroom. How could things have taken such a turn for the worse so fast? He had been doing so well, and in an instant, the feeling was gone. He was alone again, and the pain was welling up inside him like a geyser. The disappointment he felt in himself was almost too much to bear; Syaoran had to get out.
Closing the hard oak doors, Syaoran headed to the only thing he knew that could kill the pain away quickly. It was the only thing close to healing he knew. Ripping open his drawer, Syaoran pulled out his knife. Without even thinking about it, he slashed open his arm, cutting over and over again.
Images in his mind flickered as tears started to brim in his eyes. His mother, how her face must have fallen when she got the call about his detention. Her being dissatisfied with him made his stomach turn. The thought of him not being good enough for her made Syaoran want to crawl in a hole and die.
The thoughts shifted to Sakura next, about how upset she'd be when she found out he had broken his promise to her and got the knife back out to cut again. He could see her emerald eyes, the windows to her soul. They were closed to him as she would give up on him. Why shouldn't she, he'd given up on himself, she should be no different. Syaoran stopped cutting and looked into the mirror to survey the damage. Slices ranging in length criss crossed his arms, bleeding down onto the white porcelain sink. Syaoran's face was dotted with blood from drawing the knife over and over.
"Fuck!" Syaoran cursed, running cool water to wash out the many wounds. He stopped counting at twenty, bandaging them all the best he could. Some were deeper and required more attention, while most were generally light cuts. After the triage, Syaoran washed his face clean of his own blood, wiping it off with a dark green washcloth. Next came the sink and floor, which were both dotted with splatters of crimson blood.
'One bad day, and you decide to filet yourself. Good one, Syaoran.' Syaoran thought to himself bitterly, tossing the washcloth into the hamper without thinking about who would find it. He didn't care anymore; there were too many things that were going wrong. Lying in his bed, Syaoran tried to fall asleep when the phone rang.
"Hello?" Syaoran asked, his voice no longer hiding his melancholy.
"Syaoran, what's wrong?"
Sakura.
*Sorry again for a chapter that seems to mean nothing to you. Sometimes it is easier to understand the way this kind of thing hurts the mind of the person afflicted when you look at a day in the life of that person. Everything seems to go wrong, and it just turns into a vicious cycle. The only thing Syaoran has left is Sakura. And even that's going to change. Thanks for reading, please review for me!*
Reviews: Kikakai, anjuliet, Star Cherry, sweet-captor & amber-eyez
Every New Day
It was a Monday night. The town was sleeping, yet there was one soul whose eyes wouldn't close. Those amber eyes stared out into the darkness, past the stars and into the mystery of the night. Pieces of dark brown hair waved in the breeze, occasionally shielding the golden eyes from seeing anything. A small contented smile graced the lips belonging to this being, this peaceful gentle creature.
Syaoran folded his hands behind his back and drew in a breath, letting it flow out of his lungs slowly as he exhaled. Eyes closed, soul open, Syaoran let the outdoors envelop him as he stood on the balcony in the pale moonlight.
His mind was finally clear, it was almost a beautiful thing to him. No more thoughts of hurting himself, no more frustration. Since Sakura left Landon, things had been much better. Syaoran was able to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed to face the world. This was the kind of man his father wanted him to be; this was the type of leader the Li Clan needed.
No longer did Syaoran wear his long sleeved shirts to bed in fear of being awakened to the sound of his disappointed mother or family crying out over his disfigured arms. His upper torso bare, Syaoran walked back into his bedroom where he climbed into bed and sank into the softness. A heavy yet satisfied sigh escaped his lips, and his serious gaze moved from the ceiling to the side table where a photo of Sakura stood neatly.
That very spot seemed to radiate happiness through her electric smile and untamable spunk. Syaoran reached for the photo, barely able to reach its protective frame. Arm flopping in defeat, Syaoran pulled the covers up to his chest and closed his eyes to join the rest of the city in quiet slumber.
Tuesday morning greeted Syaoran with a slight grimace. The clear night before had been replaced with gray storm clouds bulging with rain. A harsh wind blew every so often, shaking the leaves in the trees around Syaoran's room. He sat up and squinted, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
'Eh . . . . rain. I can handle rain. No problem.' Syaoran thought as he got out of bed and started changing. A sharp rapping on his door made him look sharply and lose his balance as he tried to pull up his dress pants. He toppled to the ground, hitting his head against the desk.
"Dammit . . . yes, what is it?" Syaoran bellowed, slightly irate at that moment. The soft voice of Yelan penetrated through the door, making Syaoran mutter more curses about cursing in front of his mother.
"Syaoran, you're going to be late for school." Yelan answered calmly. The door opened, and Syaoran sprinted out, taking a moment to run back and kiss his mother on the cheek before sprinting down the stairs and out the front door.
Thunder was distantly rolling as Syaoran jogged quickly to class. He ran toward Sakura's hoping to catch her before she also sprinted out of her house. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the necklace he'd planned on giving to Sakura a year ago. Though it hadn't seen the light of day since that fateful day twelve months ago, it still retained that shining sparkle.
'Today. This is what I have waited for, hurt for. Today I'll tell her, and we'll be happy. This is it.' Syaoran thought, putting the charm back into his pocket as he ran. He stopped at the fence and watched as Touya walked out of the house, locking the door behind him. He scowled at Syaoran, who returned the gaze with the same affection.
"She isn't here, Li. You were too slow today." Touya teased as he got into his car and started off to work. Syaoran glanced at his watch and winced at the time; there was no way he was going to make it in time at this rate. Defeated but undaunted, Syaoran began to sprint toward the school.
Syaoran ran down the empty school hallways and skidded to a halt at the door to his first class. He checked his watch and took note that he was a good twenty minutes late. Shoulders shrugging, Syaoran opened the door to face his first period teacher.
"Ah, Mr. Li! I assume you're here to grace us with your presence!" the portly teacher exclaimed, pointing a chubby finger at Syaoran while the class snickered.
"I'm sorry, sensei." Syaoran said quietly, taking his seat behind Sakura. Sakura turned around and smiled at Syaoran, who returned the smile more than willingly.
"And who can answer this problem? Mr. Li, I believe this one shall be yours to determine, as you have had ample time already to flirt with Miss. Kinomoto." The teacher declared, pointing Syaoran out once again. Syaoran's ears filled with the sounds of his peers snickering. Running a hand through his hair and finding himself defeated once again, Syaoran shook his head, unable to answer.
"No answer, eh? Well, paying attention in class would have made the answer clear. Now you will be spending your afternoon with me in detention." The chubby teacher exclaimed, pushing her glasses up on her nose as she sniffed at Syaoran.
"Dammit . . . " Syaoran moaned softly, allowing his head to come into contact with his desk loudly.
The rain clouds still hovered over the city as the end of the day approached. Syaoran was sitting in his chair, eagerly anticipating the end of an excruciatingly frustrating day. It hadn't ended with him being late to school and earning detention. No, it was much more than that. His locker had jammed, preventing him to get his books and homework from it. Fortunately his teachers had understood, but they gave him extra problems to work on anyway, as a lesson.
Lunch had come around, and though it seemed to be an ordinary time of day, Syaoran found it to be Hell. Not only had he forgotten his lunch at home, he hadn't brought money to buy a lunch from the café. To add to the frustration, the principle called Syaoran into his office that period to talk to him about the school's policy on tardiness. Perfect.
The second half of the day wasn't as bad, but Syaoran knew something was going to happen. It was just his luck. The bell rang, shaking Syaoran out of his thoughts. Kids dashed out of their seats and out of the class, finished with another day of school. Syaoran stayed in his seat, waiting for his detention. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked to see Sakura staring down at him with her sympathetic green eyes.
"Rough day?" Sakura asked, smiling slightly. Syaoran shook his head and smiled. Sakura sat down in the desk beside him and moved some hair from his face.
"Poor Syaoran . . . maybe I'll stop by tonight and cheer you up?" Sakura asked, looking up at Syaoran and smiled seductively.
"Perhaps . . . that is if my trainer doesn't kill me for being late, which I know I will be with this detention I have to serve." Syaoran muttered, putting his head in his hands and sighing. Sakura rubbed Syaoran's shoulder and stood up to leave. Remembering the necklace, Syaoran jumped up to his feet.
"Sakura, I-" Syaoran started. Sakura turned around and faced Syaoran, but was drown out by the sound of their first period teacher instructing her to leave the detention classroom immediately.
"Gosh darnit!!" Syaoran muttered, slamming his fist down on the table as the teacher started her lecture.
After an hour of ranting from his teacher, Syaoran was finally set free. He ran out of the school quickly, knowing he was late for his training session. As he left the brick building, it began to rain in torrents. Shuddering with frustration, Syaoran sighed and began jogging home.
'It has threatened to rain all freaking day. Of course it would have to start just as I leave school.' Syaoran thought bitterly to himself as he ran.
"Syaoran, this is unacceptable for the next leader of the Li Clan! Getting into trouble like that . . . it's just not acceptable!" Yelan cried, throwing her arms up into the air after dinner. Syaoran stood before his mother, his head bowed, chin touching his chest.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself, Syaoran?" Yelan demanded, her voice actually growing angry.
"No Mother." Syaoran whispered, his amber eyes dulling with the words she spoke. Disappointment. She was disappointed in him. He hadn't even showed her his problem, the thing he thought would destroy her. He had been himself, and that wasn't good enough.
"I think you should go to bed, Syaoran." Yelan stated.
"Goodnight, Mother." Syaoran whispered, trudging up the stairs and into his bedroom. How could things have taken such a turn for the worse so fast? He had been doing so well, and in an instant, the feeling was gone. He was alone again, and the pain was welling up inside him like a geyser. The disappointment he felt in himself was almost too much to bear; Syaoran had to get out.
Closing the hard oak doors, Syaoran headed to the only thing he knew that could kill the pain away quickly. It was the only thing close to healing he knew. Ripping open his drawer, Syaoran pulled out his knife. Without even thinking about it, he slashed open his arm, cutting over and over again.
Images in his mind flickered as tears started to brim in his eyes. His mother, how her face must have fallen when she got the call about his detention. Her being dissatisfied with him made his stomach turn. The thought of him not being good enough for her made Syaoran want to crawl in a hole and die.
The thoughts shifted to Sakura next, about how upset she'd be when she found out he had broken his promise to her and got the knife back out to cut again. He could see her emerald eyes, the windows to her soul. They were closed to him as she would give up on him. Why shouldn't she, he'd given up on himself, she should be no different. Syaoran stopped cutting and looked into the mirror to survey the damage. Slices ranging in length criss crossed his arms, bleeding down onto the white porcelain sink. Syaoran's face was dotted with blood from drawing the knife over and over.
"Fuck!" Syaoran cursed, running cool water to wash out the many wounds. He stopped counting at twenty, bandaging them all the best he could. Some were deeper and required more attention, while most were generally light cuts. After the triage, Syaoran washed his face clean of his own blood, wiping it off with a dark green washcloth. Next came the sink and floor, which were both dotted with splatters of crimson blood.
'One bad day, and you decide to filet yourself. Good one, Syaoran.' Syaoran thought to himself bitterly, tossing the washcloth into the hamper without thinking about who would find it. He didn't care anymore; there were too many things that were going wrong. Lying in his bed, Syaoran tried to fall asleep when the phone rang.
"Hello?" Syaoran asked, his voice no longer hiding his melancholy.
"Syaoran, what's wrong?"
Sakura.
*Sorry again for a chapter that seems to mean nothing to you. Sometimes it is easier to understand the way this kind of thing hurts the mind of the person afflicted when you look at a day in the life of that person. Everything seems to go wrong, and it just turns into a vicious cycle. The only thing Syaoran has left is Sakura. And even that's going to change. Thanks for reading, please review for me!*