Separate Lives (part 1/2)
by Mel
Spoilers: "AMLC"
Disclaimer: Definitely not mine. ;)
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: The title comes, for those who have not already recognized it, from the title of a Phil Collins song. There are two parts of this story, just so everyone knows. Thanks for reading. :)
~*~
"I see myself wrapped in lies, which do not seem to penetrate my soul, as if they are not really a part of me. They are like costumes." Ana's Nin - August 1932 from Henry and June
~*~
Harm laid in his bed, brooding blue-green eyes open, listening to the drizzle of the rain. It was the middle of the night, and once again he couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about her lately, especially after she'd helped him get Mattie. Their friendship had been so strong this time a couple of years ago, but now...
Then four months ago, she had helped with that. She'd not only come to court but also had had a little chat with Mattie's father, these two actions coalescing to help him finally get Mattie. Something had changed between them, but he wasn't sure what that was. He knew his feelings, even if he found it extremely difficult to verbalize them. However, the truth of what she might feel towards him was still nebulous. Contemplation's, examinations, ruminations, all quite commonplace now, afflicted his mind ceaselessly. He couldn't get out of his mind that she may still care for him.
It wasn't that he wasn't extremely grateful to have Mattie in his life. For once in his life he knew what it was to be a father, to have a family - even if it was a partial one, and family was paramount to Harmon Rabb Jr. He just wished that he had a woman with him to share it, for Mattie and for himself. He couldn't seem to banish the conclusion that it should be Mac in that position. All the same, she'd made it clear that there would be no relationship of that sort, between them.
As he laid in his rumpled bed, he heard the key turn in the front door and then the door open and close. He stumbled out of bed, and went slowly down the steps of his room into the living room. He saw Mattie sitting on the couch, tears on her cheeks.
"Mattie, what's wrong?" Mattie quickly brushed her tears with the back of her hand, trying to regain some semblance of composure. Harm walked over and sat next to her on the couch. He wrapped her up in a fierce hug, as if willing the hurt away.
"I miss my mom," she confessed, and placed her head on his shoulder. He smoothed her disheveled hair.
"I know it's hard. I missed my dad the first few Christmas's that he wasn't there. Then, as time went on, I got use to it. It must be harder for you though, since you don't have your dad."
"My father - I don't miss him. I'm at least glad that I have you to be with. Who did you spend your time with before I came along?" she asked, as she looked up at Harm. Harm looked away from her searching gaze.
"No one really." Mattie didn't buy Harm's evasive answer. She sat up straight, pulling away slightly from his tight embrace, and plunged into her suspicions, coming up with the most direct question she could think of.
"Harm, is there something between you and Mac?" Harm turned to look at her, surprise lining his features.
"Where did that come from?"
"Do you have feelings for her?"
"I, uh, I can't answer that."
"What happened?" she asked him.
"Guess she got tired of waiting for me to tell her that..that, well, how I felt about her." He again avoided Mattie's gaze and got up. It was really getting to him lately. Which is why he'd tried to sever that part of his life. Until chance brought him back to JAG, and therefore to her. There was no escaping her, and dealing with his feelings when he had to walk by her day-by-day, and argue with her, and against her in court.
"And you let it go with that?" He looked over at Mattie.
"Didn't have a choice. It's what she wanted." He paused at the window, lost in his thoughts.
"Who's that Webb guy she had a date with?" she questioned.
"He's a friend."
"Are they really close?"
"I believe so. Listen, Mattie, I uh, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but this is something I have to deal with alone." Mattie fixed Harm with a dubious stare.
"One last thing, she said she had a date with Webb, but she didn't look like she wanted to go. And is Webb his first name?"
"It's Clayton."
"Why is she calling her boyfriend by his last name? Doesn't that seem weird to you?" She smiled as she saw something inside of Harm's eyes come alive. "I think you need to talk to her," she said, then rose from the couch. "I'm getting tired. I'm off to bed." She walked over to his place by the window and gave him a hug.
"Hold on. I'll walk you over there."
~*~
Mac laid on her couch surveying the living room. It was cold and empty, almost desolate in its hollow bleakness. She felt so alone. She'd never realized how much of her life was taken up with JAG, and the people there. Webb and she had become friends, but she rarely saw him, as he was invariably on a mission. Her best friend, if that was the correct term for the current status of their relationship, Harm was not around much anymore, either. She regretted telling him that there would never be an 'us'.
"How could I have been so stupid?" She sighed in exasperation. "I love him, and I push him away. What is wrong with me?"
Her phone rang and she picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Mac? It's Mattie."
"Mattie, is everything okay? Is something wrong with Harm?" she asked, worry in her voice.
"No, he's fine. I just think we need to talk," she said hoping that Mac would agree.
"Of course, I'll talk to you, Mattie. Why so late?" Mac inquired, noting the time.
"I'd rather not talk about it on the phone. Are you busy right now?"
"Right now, I guess not. Couldn't sleep anyhow. I'll be there in about half an hour."
"Cool." They hung up.
Mac wondered what Mattie wanted to talk to her about. For some unsettlingly intangible reason, she believed it had something to do with Harm.
~*~
As she drove to Union Station, with only a light shower of rain tapping on her windows to keep her company, she thought about Harm. She hoped she could avoid the awkwardness of seeing him. She just couldn't face him after lying to him about Webb.
She wondered if he somehow knew.
~*~
Harm couldn't get out of his head the idea that Mac may have lied to him. He decided, always finding inaction intolerable, to call someone that could clear it up for him. He grabbed the phone, and dialed a number.
"Hello."
"Webb, it's Harm," he said, firmly.
"Do you know what time it is, Rabb?" Webb groggily questioned.
"Yes. I needed to ask you something."
"Does this pertain to national security?"
"No."
"Let me guess, it's about Sarah."
"Are you two dating?"
"Why don't you ask her?"
"Webb, I need to know. Did you have a date with her the other night?"
"Calm down, Rabb. I'll tell you, but you have to promise me that you won't call at this
hour again for something like this."
"All right."
"We have had dinner together, but I wouldn't call them dates even though I would've loved for them to have been. Last time I had dinner with her was two weeks ago. She'd made it clear then that we were only to be friends and that it was it. I haven't pushed the matter. I think she loves you too much to let herself have anything to do with anyone else. Now, if that's all, I'm going to bed."
Harm was going to ask more, but he heard the dial tone. He hit a button on his phone and placed it down. Dropping onto the couch, he ran a hand over his brow in consternation. He felt like a part of him had been ripped away, like the current washing away a sandcastle at high tide.
~*~
Mac stepped out of her Corvette onto the black, glossy, rain-drenched streets. She looked up at his window, and saw that the light was on. She didn't see his shadow, though. She drew a deep breath, gathered her coat around herself, and started inside. The rain beat down softly on her face. Her shoes made a melancholy sound on the wet cement to match her thoughts as she entered the old building.
After making it to his floor, she stepped out of the elevator, and stood outside of Harm's apartment. She could hear his voice, and guessed he was talking on the phone. Then she heard Harm say Webb's name. She hurried to Mattie's door. After rapping on it lightly, Mattie opened it, and she hastened inside.
"Mac, are you okay?" Mattie asked, seeing Mac's ashen face. Mac sat down on the couch-a million things running around in her head.
"Could I have some water please?" Mac asked.
"Sure. Hold on," she said, as she started to walk over to the kitchen. Just then, a knock sounded at the front door. Mac's back went rigid. She gazed at the door expectantly. Mattie walked over, and asked who it was.
"It's Harm." Mac looked at Mattie, and sprang up from the couch.
"Hold on, Harm. Be there in a minute." She pointed Mac to her bedroom. Mac swiftly obliged. Then, Mattie let a very angry Harm into her apartment.
"What's wrong?" she asked, getting the water Mac wanted.
"She lied to me. She had the nerve to lie to me," he said, pacing back and forth.
"Harm, calm down please. Who lied to you?" she asked. Mac could hear this exchange quite clearly from her hiding place in the next room.
He took a deep breath. "I called him, asked if he was dating her." Mattie saw that Harm
needed the water more than Mac at the moment, so she gave it to him. He accepted it, gulping it down. "Thanks."
"What did he say?" she asked, glancing back at her room. Harm noticed, but said nothing.
"He said, the last time they went out for dinner was two weeks ago."
"Oh," She replied, looking once again at her bedroom.
"Mattie, what are you looking at?"
"Nothing. My neck hurts, that's all. What else did he say?" she questioned, trying to change the subject.
"He said that she made it clear that they were only friends, and something about her loving me. Yeah, well, if she loves me, she sure has a funny way of showing it. What I don't get is why she would lie."
"I'm guessing she had her reasons. Harm, I'm sorry, but I'm getting tired," she said, as she looked back at her room.
"That's it. What's in your room, young lady?" he asked, as he got up and walked towards her room.
"There's nothing in my room," she yelped, as she ran in front of Harm's way, praying that Mac heard her and was hiding herself accordingly.
A small noise came from the room.
"Something's in there."
"Oh, that's just my music." She mentally rolled her eyes at the pathetic excuse.
Harm pushed past her and barged into her room. He scanned the room, and saw no one. He walked to her closet and peered inside. Mattie trailed him nervously. He pointed to her stereo.
"I don't hear any music playing."
"The c.d. must have just ended."
"Sorry, Mattie." Harm turned and walked out of her room. Mattie followed suit, carefully closing the bedroom door.
"Thanks for trusting me, Harm."
"Guess I'm not in the best of moods right now. Didn't mean to take it out on you."
"Well, I suppose it's understandable given what you've just found out."
"Night, Mattie," he said, surrounding her with a warm hug. She hugged him back. When they pulled away, she looked up at his somber features.
"I still think you need to talk to her."
He remained unresponsive as he walked to her front door and opened it. He was unsure at the moment how he would react the next time he saw her. As he had told Bud before so many years ago, the truth was everything. Angry as he was right now, he was afraid if he talked to her, things would be said that shouldn't. He was always internally flustered when dealing with this sort of thing, especially concerning Mac.
"Harm, wait up."
Harm turned to her quizzically, standing at her opened door.
"It's my turn to walk you to your door."
Harm gave her a small smile, and allowed her to accompany him to his door. Then she walked back to her apartment door.
"Good night, Harm." They then entered their respective apartments.
Inside her apartment, Mattie made a beeline to her room.
"You can come out now, Mac. He's gone," Mattie informed her. Mac came out from her hiding place, under Mattie's bed.
"Good thing I have so much space under there."
"You know, you could use the cabinets to store your junk food." Mac wiped a piece of chocolate and cream from a half-eaten Ding Dong off of her cheek. Mattie shrugged.
"Sometimes I'm too lazy to get up out of bed."
Mac and Mattie walked into her living room.
"I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that's what you wanted to talk to me about. I think you got your answer."
"I want to know why you would lie to him when he cares about you so much?" She pointed to her couch.
"Mattie, it's complicated," Mac said, as she sat down.
"I'm only asking all of this because I see Harm like a father. I care about him, and I don't like to see him so upset."
"I really hurt him this time. I doubt he'll have an easy time getting over this one." Mattie looked down at Mac's thin hands clenching and unclenching ruefully.
"Mac, give him time and talk to him. I know he loves you even though he hasn't said those words. That's what you want him to tell you, am I right?" Mac stood up.
"Listen, Mattie, I need to go home and think about all of this." Mattie seemed disappointed at this.
"I'm tired, anyway." She walked Mac to the door. Mac hugged her.
"Thanks, for understanding." She walked out of Mattie's apartment, Mattie closed the door behind her, and locked it. Mac stared at the ground as she walked contemplatively, and ran into someone. She looked up from the familiar pair of shoes, to see Harm. Her eyes widened, the color left her face.
"So, I was right. You were there. Which means you heard what I said."
"Harm, please let me explain."
"There's nothing to explain. You don't want to be with me. Look, Mac, I can handle a lot of things, but I don't appreciate you lying to me. Good night." He walked into his apartment.
"Harm, please!" she said, in a querulous voice, as she hit his door.
End of Part 1
by Mel
Spoilers: "AMLC"
Disclaimer: Definitely not mine. ;)
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: The title comes, for those who have not already recognized it, from the title of a Phil Collins song. There are two parts of this story, just so everyone knows. Thanks for reading. :)
~*~
"I see myself wrapped in lies, which do not seem to penetrate my soul, as if they are not really a part of me. They are like costumes." Ana's Nin - August 1932 from Henry and June
~*~
Harm laid in his bed, brooding blue-green eyes open, listening to the drizzle of the rain. It was the middle of the night, and once again he couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about her lately, especially after she'd helped him get Mattie. Their friendship had been so strong this time a couple of years ago, but now...
Then four months ago, she had helped with that. She'd not only come to court but also had had a little chat with Mattie's father, these two actions coalescing to help him finally get Mattie. Something had changed between them, but he wasn't sure what that was. He knew his feelings, even if he found it extremely difficult to verbalize them. However, the truth of what she might feel towards him was still nebulous. Contemplation's, examinations, ruminations, all quite commonplace now, afflicted his mind ceaselessly. He couldn't get out of his mind that she may still care for him.
It wasn't that he wasn't extremely grateful to have Mattie in his life. For once in his life he knew what it was to be a father, to have a family - even if it was a partial one, and family was paramount to Harmon Rabb Jr. He just wished that he had a woman with him to share it, for Mattie and for himself. He couldn't seem to banish the conclusion that it should be Mac in that position. All the same, she'd made it clear that there would be no relationship of that sort, between them.
As he laid in his rumpled bed, he heard the key turn in the front door and then the door open and close. He stumbled out of bed, and went slowly down the steps of his room into the living room. He saw Mattie sitting on the couch, tears on her cheeks.
"Mattie, what's wrong?" Mattie quickly brushed her tears with the back of her hand, trying to regain some semblance of composure. Harm walked over and sat next to her on the couch. He wrapped her up in a fierce hug, as if willing the hurt away.
"I miss my mom," she confessed, and placed her head on his shoulder. He smoothed her disheveled hair.
"I know it's hard. I missed my dad the first few Christmas's that he wasn't there. Then, as time went on, I got use to it. It must be harder for you though, since you don't have your dad."
"My father - I don't miss him. I'm at least glad that I have you to be with. Who did you spend your time with before I came along?" she asked, as she looked up at Harm. Harm looked away from her searching gaze.
"No one really." Mattie didn't buy Harm's evasive answer. She sat up straight, pulling away slightly from his tight embrace, and plunged into her suspicions, coming up with the most direct question she could think of.
"Harm, is there something between you and Mac?" Harm turned to look at her, surprise lining his features.
"Where did that come from?"
"Do you have feelings for her?"
"I, uh, I can't answer that."
"What happened?" she asked him.
"Guess she got tired of waiting for me to tell her that..that, well, how I felt about her." He again avoided Mattie's gaze and got up. It was really getting to him lately. Which is why he'd tried to sever that part of his life. Until chance brought him back to JAG, and therefore to her. There was no escaping her, and dealing with his feelings when he had to walk by her day-by-day, and argue with her, and against her in court.
"And you let it go with that?" He looked over at Mattie.
"Didn't have a choice. It's what she wanted." He paused at the window, lost in his thoughts.
"Who's that Webb guy she had a date with?" she questioned.
"He's a friend."
"Are they really close?"
"I believe so. Listen, Mattie, I uh, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but this is something I have to deal with alone." Mattie fixed Harm with a dubious stare.
"One last thing, she said she had a date with Webb, but she didn't look like she wanted to go. And is Webb his first name?"
"It's Clayton."
"Why is she calling her boyfriend by his last name? Doesn't that seem weird to you?" She smiled as she saw something inside of Harm's eyes come alive. "I think you need to talk to her," she said, then rose from the couch. "I'm getting tired. I'm off to bed." She walked over to his place by the window and gave him a hug.
"Hold on. I'll walk you over there."
~*~
Mac laid on her couch surveying the living room. It was cold and empty, almost desolate in its hollow bleakness. She felt so alone. She'd never realized how much of her life was taken up with JAG, and the people there. Webb and she had become friends, but she rarely saw him, as he was invariably on a mission. Her best friend, if that was the correct term for the current status of their relationship, Harm was not around much anymore, either. She regretted telling him that there would never be an 'us'.
"How could I have been so stupid?" She sighed in exasperation. "I love him, and I push him away. What is wrong with me?"
Her phone rang and she picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Mac? It's Mattie."
"Mattie, is everything okay? Is something wrong with Harm?" she asked, worry in her voice.
"No, he's fine. I just think we need to talk," she said hoping that Mac would agree.
"Of course, I'll talk to you, Mattie. Why so late?" Mac inquired, noting the time.
"I'd rather not talk about it on the phone. Are you busy right now?"
"Right now, I guess not. Couldn't sleep anyhow. I'll be there in about half an hour."
"Cool." They hung up.
Mac wondered what Mattie wanted to talk to her about. For some unsettlingly intangible reason, she believed it had something to do with Harm.
~*~
As she drove to Union Station, with only a light shower of rain tapping on her windows to keep her company, she thought about Harm. She hoped she could avoid the awkwardness of seeing him. She just couldn't face him after lying to him about Webb.
She wondered if he somehow knew.
~*~
Harm couldn't get out of his head the idea that Mac may have lied to him. He decided, always finding inaction intolerable, to call someone that could clear it up for him. He grabbed the phone, and dialed a number.
"Hello."
"Webb, it's Harm," he said, firmly.
"Do you know what time it is, Rabb?" Webb groggily questioned.
"Yes. I needed to ask you something."
"Does this pertain to national security?"
"No."
"Let me guess, it's about Sarah."
"Are you two dating?"
"Why don't you ask her?"
"Webb, I need to know. Did you have a date with her the other night?"
"Calm down, Rabb. I'll tell you, but you have to promise me that you won't call at this
hour again for something like this."
"All right."
"We have had dinner together, but I wouldn't call them dates even though I would've loved for them to have been. Last time I had dinner with her was two weeks ago. She'd made it clear then that we were only to be friends and that it was it. I haven't pushed the matter. I think she loves you too much to let herself have anything to do with anyone else. Now, if that's all, I'm going to bed."
Harm was going to ask more, but he heard the dial tone. He hit a button on his phone and placed it down. Dropping onto the couch, he ran a hand over his brow in consternation. He felt like a part of him had been ripped away, like the current washing away a sandcastle at high tide.
~*~
Mac stepped out of her Corvette onto the black, glossy, rain-drenched streets. She looked up at his window, and saw that the light was on. She didn't see his shadow, though. She drew a deep breath, gathered her coat around herself, and started inside. The rain beat down softly on her face. Her shoes made a melancholy sound on the wet cement to match her thoughts as she entered the old building.
After making it to his floor, she stepped out of the elevator, and stood outside of Harm's apartment. She could hear his voice, and guessed he was talking on the phone. Then she heard Harm say Webb's name. She hurried to Mattie's door. After rapping on it lightly, Mattie opened it, and she hastened inside.
"Mac, are you okay?" Mattie asked, seeing Mac's ashen face. Mac sat down on the couch-a million things running around in her head.
"Could I have some water please?" Mac asked.
"Sure. Hold on," she said, as she started to walk over to the kitchen. Just then, a knock sounded at the front door. Mac's back went rigid. She gazed at the door expectantly. Mattie walked over, and asked who it was.
"It's Harm." Mac looked at Mattie, and sprang up from the couch.
"Hold on, Harm. Be there in a minute." She pointed Mac to her bedroom. Mac swiftly obliged. Then, Mattie let a very angry Harm into her apartment.
"What's wrong?" she asked, getting the water Mac wanted.
"She lied to me. She had the nerve to lie to me," he said, pacing back and forth.
"Harm, calm down please. Who lied to you?" she asked. Mac could hear this exchange quite clearly from her hiding place in the next room.
He took a deep breath. "I called him, asked if he was dating her." Mattie saw that Harm
needed the water more than Mac at the moment, so she gave it to him. He accepted it, gulping it down. "Thanks."
"What did he say?" she asked, glancing back at her room. Harm noticed, but said nothing.
"He said, the last time they went out for dinner was two weeks ago."
"Oh," She replied, looking once again at her bedroom.
"Mattie, what are you looking at?"
"Nothing. My neck hurts, that's all. What else did he say?" she questioned, trying to change the subject.
"He said that she made it clear that they were only friends, and something about her loving me. Yeah, well, if she loves me, she sure has a funny way of showing it. What I don't get is why she would lie."
"I'm guessing she had her reasons. Harm, I'm sorry, but I'm getting tired," she said, as she looked back at her room.
"That's it. What's in your room, young lady?" he asked, as he got up and walked towards her room.
"There's nothing in my room," she yelped, as she ran in front of Harm's way, praying that Mac heard her and was hiding herself accordingly.
A small noise came from the room.
"Something's in there."
"Oh, that's just my music." She mentally rolled her eyes at the pathetic excuse.
Harm pushed past her and barged into her room. He scanned the room, and saw no one. He walked to her closet and peered inside. Mattie trailed him nervously. He pointed to her stereo.
"I don't hear any music playing."
"The c.d. must have just ended."
"Sorry, Mattie." Harm turned and walked out of her room. Mattie followed suit, carefully closing the bedroom door.
"Thanks for trusting me, Harm."
"Guess I'm not in the best of moods right now. Didn't mean to take it out on you."
"Well, I suppose it's understandable given what you've just found out."
"Night, Mattie," he said, surrounding her with a warm hug. She hugged him back. When they pulled away, she looked up at his somber features.
"I still think you need to talk to her."
He remained unresponsive as he walked to her front door and opened it. He was unsure at the moment how he would react the next time he saw her. As he had told Bud before so many years ago, the truth was everything. Angry as he was right now, he was afraid if he talked to her, things would be said that shouldn't. He was always internally flustered when dealing with this sort of thing, especially concerning Mac.
"Harm, wait up."
Harm turned to her quizzically, standing at her opened door.
"It's my turn to walk you to your door."
Harm gave her a small smile, and allowed her to accompany him to his door. Then she walked back to her apartment door.
"Good night, Harm." They then entered their respective apartments.
Inside her apartment, Mattie made a beeline to her room.
"You can come out now, Mac. He's gone," Mattie informed her. Mac came out from her hiding place, under Mattie's bed.
"Good thing I have so much space under there."
"You know, you could use the cabinets to store your junk food." Mac wiped a piece of chocolate and cream from a half-eaten Ding Dong off of her cheek. Mattie shrugged.
"Sometimes I'm too lazy to get up out of bed."
Mac and Mattie walked into her living room.
"I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that's what you wanted to talk to me about. I think you got your answer."
"I want to know why you would lie to him when he cares about you so much?" She pointed to her couch.
"Mattie, it's complicated," Mac said, as she sat down.
"I'm only asking all of this because I see Harm like a father. I care about him, and I don't like to see him so upset."
"I really hurt him this time. I doubt he'll have an easy time getting over this one." Mattie looked down at Mac's thin hands clenching and unclenching ruefully.
"Mac, give him time and talk to him. I know he loves you even though he hasn't said those words. That's what you want him to tell you, am I right?" Mac stood up.
"Listen, Mattie, I need to go home and think about all of this." Mattie seemed disappointed at this.
"I'm tired, anyway." She walked Mac to the door. Mac hugged her.
"Thanks, for understanding." She walked out of Mattie's apartment, Mattie closed the door behind her, and locked it. Mac stared at the ground as she walked contemplatively, and ran into someone. She looked up from the familiar pair of shoes, to see Harm. Her eyes widened, the color left her face.
"So, I was right. You were there. Which means you heard what I said."
"Harm, please let me explain."
"There's nothing to explain. You don't want to be with me. Look, Mac, I can handle a lot of things, but I don't appreciate you lying to me. Good night." He walked into his apartment.
"Harm, please!" she said, in a querulous voice, as she hit his door.
End of Part 1