Act II scene ii
SNOW WHITE and the DWARVES are huddles around the opening of a small cave, arguing.
SNOW WHITE: I won't do it!
JAN: Why not?
SNOW WHITE: Look at it! I'd never fit in there!
FEB: You would if you'd just try!
SNOW WHITE: Besides… I'd get dirty!
MAR: Do you want to escape from the WITCH or not?
SNOW WHITE: I didn't get "fairest maiden in all the land" by climbing into dark, dirty tunnels!
APR: You didn't get it for you're winning personality, either.
MAY: Maybe if you weren't the "fairest" anymore, you'd be safe from the WITCH.
SNOW WHITE: But then I wouldn't be the fairest!
JUN: And then she'd stop chasing you!
JUL: Would you really choose being the fairest in all the land over being safe from a WITCH?
SNOW WHITE: Who wouldn't? (DWARVES raise their hands high) That was a rhetorical question!
RED RIDING HOOD and RAPUNZEL enter.
RAPUNZEL: Hey, a party!
RED: I'm not quite sure about that. It looks like they're trying to stuff that girl into a tunnel.
JAN: We are not!
FEB: We're trying to protect her!
RED: By stuffing her down a hole?
RAPUNZEL: Wow… that's the deepest hole I've ever seen.
MAR: Really? We dug it ourselves…
RAPUNZEL: That's really great! You're miners?
RED: I thought they were kinda short…
RAPUNZEL: No, not MINORS! MINERS!
RED: Oh. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
RAPUNZEL: They dig underground looking for ores, minerals, jewels, and things like that.
APR: That's right!
MAY: You're really smart. What's your name?
RAPUNZEL: RAPUNZEL.
JUN: Bless you.
RAPUNZEL: No that's my name. RAPUNZEL.
JUL: Cool name, sounding like a sneeze and whatnot.
RED: What are your names?
JAN: JANUARY.
FEB: FEBRUARY.
MAR: MARCH.
APR: APRIL.
MAY: MAY.
JUN: JUNE.
JUL: JULY.
RED: Where are the rest of you?
SNOW WHITE: Don't even get them started!
RAPUNZEL: Who are you?
SNOW WHITE: I'm SNOW WHITE.
RED: You look kind of tan to me.
RAPUNZEL: What is it with this story and name gags? Can we please just continue with the show already?!
RED: Sorry, running gags fill plot holes.
SNOW WHITE: Say, what's in the basket?
RED: Goodies for my GRANNY, who lives out here in the woods.
SNOW WHITE: You wouldn't happen to have anything to spare, would you? I've been running from the WITCH all day and I'm starved!
RED: Well, I'm sure I can spare something. (pulls out an apple) Here, I have an apple.
SNOW WHITE takes the apple and bites into it. She immediately falls over, fast asleep. The WITCH leaps on stage, cackling evilly. RAPUNZEL ducks behind the DWARVES.
WITCH: MUAH HAHAHAHAHA! She's eaten an enchanted apple! Now she'll be asleep forever!
RED: I don't remember packing my GRANNY any enchanted apples.
WITCH: Foolish girl! I put the apple in your basket when you weren't looking!
RED: You fiend!
WITCH: Now to find CINDERELLA and RAPUNZEL! Tah-tah, RED! (leaves)
RAPUNZEL: I've got to get outta here!
JAN: We'll hide you!
FEB: Yeah, you can hide in our mines!
RAPUNZEL: Really?
MAR: Sure. It'll be nice to have someone around who appreciates our line of work.
RED: Hey, what about SNOW WHITE?
APR: What about her?
RED: We can't just leave her here!
MAY: Why not?
RED: Well… uh, a WOLF might get her!
JUN: Sorry, we tried to help her before and she wouldn't cooperate.
JUL: Yeah. Now we're going to help someone who will. See you later! (all leave through the tunnel.
RED: Great. Now I've got to go find help. Sheesh, I hope GRANNY's not too upset that I'm so late! (runs off)