Title: "Cuddle"
Author: Rebekah
Pairing: NH
Summary: It's The Morning After. Post-WAO.
Feedback: Yes, please.
**
Haley James liked to have her space. She needed to be able to spread out on her bed and swing her arms out wide and feel nothing constricting her movement. There was usually something liberating to be found in doing that, like it produced a sense of independence from the laws of nature, which always tended to pack as much matter into a volume as was possible. Or maybe that was just in the New York subway or in the Tree Hill High gymnasium.
But at this moment, as she lay curled in Nathan's arms, Haley realized just why certain phrases, like 'invasion of space' had been created, although for the life of her she couldn't figure out why they were given a negative connotation. "Invasion of space" was most definitely a good thing and so was taking risks.
It was interesting, this turn of events. The day before, when she and Nathan 'had words' before the game, she had been sure that Nathan was one step away from breaking off whatever had been going on between them. As she had told Peyton, she couldn't even be sure what they were, and Nathan telling her how "people are mean" wasn't instilling much confidence in his abilities as a boyfriend. She could understand that he was under pressure, but the way he spoke to her, well it didn't help quell that loud, nagging voice in her head [Peyton and Lucas's constant whispering in her ear to] [I] be careful.[/I]
Then he had come to her and spoken to her like no one else ever had:
[I]But then I saw you. I promised myself that if I could just get up, and walk over to you, and tell you how much I need you, how much I want you, then nothing else matters.[/I]
He said things that nobody had ever even hinted at feeling before. It wasn't that she had never been hit on before, because she had. It wasn't that she had never been asked out on a date before, because believe it or not she actually had. But no one had ever wormed their way into her heart and her head like this before. No one had ever said that they wanted her and that nothing else but HER mattered.
She liked her space, and this applied to people too. Lucas was the one she felt she could tell anything to, be herself with, but even with him she sometimes had to take a step back. Luke was the kind of person whose brain was always figuring something out, always trying to piece together puzzles, jumping to conclusions. There were a lot of things Haley therefore kept inside, afraid to share with anyone, not liking people to jump to conclusions about her.
Like, how when she was twelve and she told her big sister Bethany that she wished Lucas would kiss her, her "crush" was then the topic of discussion at family dinners for the next month when in truth she just wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone and she didn't know many boys other than Lucas who didn't totally repulse her.
So when she told Nathan that day in front of her that there was nothing he could do to surprise her, and then he pulled her to him and kissed her, it was the first time she realized that taking space isn't such a good thing. The realization was so daunting that she acted on it immediately, pouncing into his arms and kissing him twice-fold - closing her eyes and letting his strong arms guide her.
Things had changed so quickly, yet they were a long time coming.
**
So, this was spooning.
Warmth radiated off of him in spades as he held her flush against his body. He was still sleeping and there was nothing in this world that would make Haley wake him up. Listening to his slow, regular breaths was as hypnotic as putting her ear to a seashell and hearing the ocean.
She thought about getting out of bed and doing something practical.starting breakfast, cleaning up, taking a shower. But her emotions were forcing her to stay where she was so she could commit to memory the way she was feeling at this very moment: the first time she had ever woken up in someone else's arms. It was, to put it mildly, exhilarating. It was, as well, also very confusing because as she thought back to the practical things she usually did to start her day, she couldn't help but think of doing those things with him. For their breakfast, he would toast the bagels while she poured the orange juice. He'd want butter and she'd want cream cheese but then end up taking a bite of his and wanting to switch. Then they'd straighten up the living room, and she would vacuum and he would pretend to dust the TV but really just be watching the game. Lastly, she would shower and dress for work and it was here that Haley started to wonder just what she was prepared to get into with Nathan Scott.
Because the way she was feeling right now, she wanted nothing more than to strip down, jump in the shower, and wait for Nathan to hear the running water and join her. But there was another part of her that was not ready for that type of intimacy at all, and that part of her also wondered what Nathan would have to say on the subject.
If her life had been a cartoon, she could picture the angel and demon sitting on her shoulder, pondering this very dilemma. The angel would have a balloon over her head and the caption would read: You know he'll wait if you ask him to. The devil would have a balloon over her head with a caption that reads: What, are you stupid! Just LOOK at him. And then in the last frame she would pop the angel's bubble and smile.
But Haley won't rely on angels and devils to make the hard decisions for her. She has always been pretty sure of her mind, and for once she was sure she had found someone who appreciated that quality in her, which would make it a lot easier for her to listen to her mind, and not her body.
Her body, which was still pressed up against Nathan; her fingers, which were playing with the strands of hair at the nape of his neck; her feet, which were tangled up in his long legs.
She closed her eyes and let his breathing lull her back to sleep.
**
When she woke up again she was in a slightly different position, to the side of Nathan rather than directly in his arms. Haley noticed this immediately because unlike before, she was now slightly cold and involuntarily started rubbing her arms. The movement in the bed caused Nathan to turn over and reveal to her that he was in deed awake.
She was facing him now. She didn't know what to do now. Should she say something? Should she kiss him? Should she have brushed her teeth earlier so that now she could kiss him?
Haley really had no idea so she did the only thing she could do. She hesitantly laid her head down on his stomach, and waited to see what he did next. He shifted so that he steal his arm from underneath her and wrap it around her shoulder. His fingertips gently rubbed circles on her upper arm.
He kissed the top of her head.
Haley couldn't help but smile smugly. She may not have any experience waking up in the arms of a boy, but she figured that was certainly a sign of approval.
Her smug smile branched out into a wide grin, and if she didn't watch it she fully expected herself to start dancing in place, and that would be embarrassing to have to explain.
"No, no I don't have to pee." "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to knee you [I]there[/I]." "I thought maybe you'd like to learn the Snoopy dance."
She started involuntarily giggling. Giggling? It was something she had started doing a lot since Nathan entered her life. He was turning her into such a.girl.
He chuckled. His grin mirrored hers. He was relieved that she didn't regret letting him stay.
"What's so funny?" he finally broke the silence.
She buried her head in his white undershirt and removed it only long enough to mumble the first thing she made up on the spot.
"I was thinking about this program on the Discovery Channel and they were talking about penguins and how they are trying to breed ones that fly but."
He cocked his head to the side and silently questioned her sanity with his blue eyes. His fingers never left contact with her shoulder, and the repeated touch combined with the amused look he was giving her was slowly starting to bring an ache to her belly.
"I'm never going to expect any of the words that come out of your mouth, am I?" he asked then.
"Nope," she answered. "But I don't want to talk now anyway. You can talk, but I'm going to keep quiet otherwise I'm just going to keep on rambling and I'll probably start singing the fifty states song or something."
He put up a finger to her lips.
"You," his voice was hardly above a whisper, "are totally nervous about being in bed with me."
It was hard to sound sarcastic with a giant smile plastered on her face but she tried nonetheless to deliver her reply with an un-anxious, monosyllabic voice.
"I am not," she said simply.
His mouth curved into a relaxed smile.
"Haley," he drawled. "You're practically dancing."
She let out a surprised noise. How were they always on the same wavelength? What surprised him was that she hadn't started grilling him about what happened at the game yet. Peyton never waited more than a minute before grilling him, but Haley was more than content with just staying in his arms for a little while longer, whether or not they talked about anything at all. Then the thought came to him; he needed to not compare the two girls. That would only get him in trouble later on down the road, especially since they were becoming friends. Still, he had to say something about it, since it really meant a lot to him.
He was still rubbing circles on her arm. He stopped, and she looked up at him expectantly.
"You know, I can't believe you haven't asked me what happened yet."
Haley let out an unsure sigh. She didn't want to push, but the whole incident had really scared her, and she did want to know why he collapsed but only if he was ready to tell her. First though, she had something to tell him.
"I do want to know but first let me tell you a little story. When I was younger, my brothers and sisters and I would watch Star Search and that show always made me upset. I couldn't understand why my siblings liked it so much when most of the performers on it, hundreds of talented children who would grow up to be very successful whether or not they chose to capitalize on the special gift God gave them, looked miserable while they were on stage. One after another I could see fear and disappointment and sadness in their faces and I just knew it was because they knew that if they lost they would have to walk off stage and face unhappy parents who wanted their child to win at all costs, and would only push them harder the next time. I don't want you to win at all costs. That doesn't mean I don't want you to win, or that I don't want you to play basketball. I know how much you love the game. But I see something in you that I didn't see in those contestants on that stupid TV show. I've seen you thrive when you're on the court. I've seen you be happy. I didn't see that in you last night and I can only guess why."
It was in this moment that he knew he had found something special in this girl and he knew beyond a doubt he could confide in her. He told her about the drugs, and the pressure from his dad, and how sorry he was that he let his behavior get so out of control in her bedroom and before the game.
When he finished talking, he looked so down that she tried to joke and cheer him up.
"Hey, you always have your good looks to fall back on if this basketball thing doesn't pan out. Marky Mark modeled underwear for Calvin Klein and look where he is today," she said with a slight laugh. "Wait, he's not in rehab, is he?"
"Nice Haley," he deadpanned, though he couldn't help but laugh as well, "real nice. When I bared my soul to you I told you how much I needed you and wanted you while you just compared me to a B-list movie star."
She rested her chin on his chest and stared up at him with wide-open brown eyes.
"I thought my whole Star Search analogy was really profound," she mumbled as her mouth sagged into a pout. "I probably should have stopped while I was ahead."
He leaned down and kissed her mouth, quieting her and wiping that frown away.
"I was teasing you," he told her, "but I would like to know.do you feel that way about me? Like when you see me or when you're with me, nothing else matters."
She wanted to say yes. A part of her felt the answer was yes but another part of her was screaming that it was too soon to definitely know that. He was acting terribly vulnerable and Haley didn't know what to say.
It was daunting. Yes, Nathan Scott meant a hell of a lot to her. More than she ever thought he would. But, was it all-or-nothing love? How could she know for sure? They didn't make any PBS documentaries about this or at least, if they had she had certainly missed it.
All of a sudden she wished she were more experienced in bedroom talk. Brooke and Peyton would know exactly what to say now to lower the tension and bring back the romantic feelings that they had both woken up with. It was taking every ounce of strength she had not to just roll over onto the floor and slide herself under the bed.
But she didn't. Instead, Haley said the first thing that came to her mind. Something she figured Nathan would want to hear, if she couldn't tell him just yet what he really wanted to hear.
"Let's talk about this later. Why don't we go take a shower?"
She would have choked on the words if she hadn't been trying so hard to say them with sincerity.
"Haley," the way he said her name made her shiver.
Of course, that was only the worse thing she could have said but it had seemed like a good thing at the time.
"No, don't Haley me. I.I'm serious," she tried again.
It was obvious to Nathan what she was doing, and while a part of him liked that she was trying to put his feelings before her own.decorum, it was also a little hurtful that she wouldn't just tell him the truth.
"If it's just too soon, tell me?" he asked.
"What, to take a shower? I asked you remember," she faltered slightly over her words when she knew full well what he was referring to.
"No.I mean. I get it, you don't feel the same way."
He finally removed his arm from around her shoulder and tried to sit up but her hand on his leg stopped him. She sighed as she realized the only way to get her pathetic self out of this mess was to be brutally honest. She fidgeted nervously as she spoke.
"I like you," she began. "A lot, in fact. I - I don't do this Nathan. I don't have sleepovers with boys and I certainly don't fall asleep in their arms. I don't even like having stuffed animals on my bed.but last night, when you asked me if you could stay, and I looked into your eyes, I - I never wanted anything more in my life and when I woke up in your arms and I touched your hair and you held me tight, everything just clicked and fit."
Nathan let out the breath he'd been holding. She just told him all he needed to hear.
"Why didn't you say that before?" he asked.
"Because smart girls are often really stupid, you'll learn this." she didn't get to finish her rant.
He lowered his lips to her and kissed the life out of his stupid smart girl.
**
Haley James liked to have her space. She needed to be able to spread out on her bed and swing her arms out wide and feel nothing constricting her movement. There was usually something liberating to be found in doing that, like it produced a sense of independence from the laws of nature, which always tended to pack as much matter into a volume as was possible. Or maybe that was just in the New York subway or in the Tree Hill High gymnasium.
But at this moment, as she lay curled in Nathan's arms, Haley realized just why certain phrases, like 'invasion of space' had been created, although for the life of her she couldn't figure out why they were given a negative connotation. "Invasion of space" was most definitely a good thing and so was taking risks.
It was interesting, this turn of events. The day before, when she and Nathan 'had words' before the game, she had been sure that Nathan was one step away from breaking off whatever had been going on between them. As she had told Peyton, she couldn't even be sure what they were, and Nathan telling her how "people are mean" wasn't instilling much confidence in his abilities as a boyfriend. She could understand that he was under pressure, but the way he spoke to her, well it didn't help quell that loud, nagging voice in her head [Peyton and Lucas's constant whispering in her ear to] [I] be careful.[/I]
Then he had come to her and spoken to her like no one else ever had:
[I]But then I saw you. I promised myself that if I could just get up, and walk over to you, and tell you how much I need you, how much I want you, then nothing else matters.[/I]
He said things that nobody had ever even hinted at feeling before. It wasn't that she had never been hit on before, because she had. It wasn't that she had never been asked out on a date before, because believe it or not she actually had. But no one had ever wormed their way into her heart and her head like this before. No one had ever said that they wanted her and that nothing else but HER mattered.
She liked her space, and this applied to people too. Lucas was the one she felt she could tell anything to, be herself with, but even with him she sometimes had to take a step back. Luke was the kind of person whose brain was always figuring something out, always trying to piece together puzzles, jumping to conclusions. There were a lot of things Haley therefore kept inside, afraid to share with anyone, not liking people to jump to conclusions about her.
Like, how when she was twelve and she told her big sister Bethany that she wished Lucas would kiss her, her "crush" was then the topic of discussion at family dinners for the next month when in truth she just wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone and she didn't know many boys other than Lucas who didn't totally repulse her.
So when she told Nathan that day in front of her that there was nothing he could do to surprise her, and then he pulled her to him and kissed her, it was the first time she realized that taking space isn't such a good thing. The realization was so daunting that she acted on it immediately, pouncing into his arms and kissing him twice-fold - closing her eyes and letting his strong arms guide her.
Things had changed so quickly, yet they were a long time coming.
**
So, this was spooning.
Warmth radiated off of him in spades as he held her flush against his body. He was still sleeping and there was nothing in this world that would make Haley wake him up. Listening to his slow, regular breaths was as hypnotic as putting her ear to a seashell and hearing the ocean.
She thought about getting out of bed and doing something practical.starting breakfast, cleaning up, taking a shower. But her emotions were forcing her to stay where she was so she could commit to memory the way she was feeling at this very moment: the first time she had ever woken up in someone else's arms. It was, to put it mildly, exhilarating. It was, as well, also very confusing because as she thought back to the practical things she usually did to start her day, she couldn't help but think of doing those things with him. For their breakfast, he would toast the bagels while she poured the orange juice. He'd want butter and she'd want cream cheese but then end up taking a bite of his and wanting to switch. Then they'd straighten up the living room, and she would vacuum and he would pretend to dust the TV but really just be watching the game. Lastly, she would shower and dress for work and it was here that Haley started to wonder just what she was prepared to get into with Nathan Scott.
Because the way she was feeling right now, she wanted nothing more than to strip down, jump in the shower, and wait for Nathan to hear the running water and join her. But there was another part of her that was not ready for that type of intimacy at all, and that part of her also wondered what Nathan would have to say on the subject.
If her life had been a cartoon, she could picture the angel and demon sitting on her shoulder, pondering this very dilemma. The angel would have a balloon over her head and the caption would read: You know he'll wait if you ask him to. The devil would have a balloon over her head with a caption that reads: What, are you stupid! Just LOOK at him. And then in the last frame she would pop the angel's bubble and smile.
But Haley won't rely on angels and devils to make the hard decisions for her. She has always been pretty sure of her mind, and for once she was sure she had found someone who appreciated that quality in her, which would make it a lot easier for her to listen to her mind, and not her body.
Her body, which was still pressed up against Nathan; her fingers, which were playing with the strands of hair at the nape of his neck; her feet, which were tangled up in his long legs.
She closed her eyes and let his breathing lull her back to sleep.
**
When she woke up again she was in a slightly different position, to the side of Nathan rather than directly in his arms. Haley noticed this immediately because unlike before, she was now slightly cold and involuntarily started rubbing her arms. The movement in the bed caused Nathan to turn over and reveal to her that he was in deed awake.
She was facing him now. She didn't know what to do now. Should she say something? Should she kiss him? Should she have brushed her teeth earlier so that now she could kiss him?
Haley really had no idea so she did the only thing she could do. She hesitantly laid her head down on his stomach, and waited to see what he did next. He shifted so that he steal his arm from underneath her and wrap it around her shoulder. His fingertips gently rubbed circles on her upper arm.
He kissed the top of her head.
Haley couldn't help but smile smugly. She may not have any experience waking up in the arms of a boy, but she figured that was certainly a sign of approval.
Her smug smile branched out into a wide grin, and if she didn't watch it she fully expected herself to start dancing in place, and that would be embarrassing to have to explain.
"No, no I don't have to pee." "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to knee you [I]there[/I]." "I thought maybe you'd like to learn the Snoopy dance."
She started involuntarily giggling. Giggling? It was something she had started doing a lot since Nathan entered her life. He was turning her into such a.girl.
He chuckled. His grin mirrored hers. He was relieved that she didn't regret letting him stay.
"What's so funny?" he finally broke the silence.
She buried her head in his white undershirt and removed it only long enough to mumble the first thing she made up on the spot.
"I was thinking about this program on the Discovery Channel and they were talking about penguins and how they are trying to breed ones that fly but."
He cocked his head to the side and silently questioned her sanity with his blue eyes. His fingers never left contact with her shoulder, and the repeated touch combined with the amused look he was giving her was slowly starting to bring an ache to her belly.
"I'm never going to expect any of the words that come out of your mouth, am I?" he asked then.
"Nope," she answered. "But I don't want to talk now anyway. You can talk, but I'm going to keep quiet otherwise I'm just going to keep on rambling and I'll probably start singing the fifty states song or something."
He put up a finger to her lips.
"You," his voice was hardly above a whisper, "are totally nervous about being in bed with me."
It was hard to sound sarcastic with a giant smile plastered on her face but she tried nonetheless to deliver her reply with an un-anxious, monosyllabic voice.
"I am not," she said simply.
His mouth curved into a relaxed smile.
"Haley," he drawled. "You're practically dancing."
She let out a surprised noise. How were they always on the same wavelength? What surprised him was that she hadn't started grilling him about what happened at the game yet. Peyton never waited more than a minute before grilling him, but Haley was more than content with just staying in his arms for a little while longer, whether or not they talked about anything at all. Then the thought came to him; he needed to not compare the two girls. That would only get him in trouble later on down the road, especially since they were becoming friends. Still, he had to say something about it, since it really meant a lot to him.
He was still rubbing circles on her arm. He stopped, and she looked up at him expectantly.
"You know, I can't believe you haven't asked me what happened yet."
Haley let out an unsure sigh. She didn't want to push, but the whole incident had really scared her, and she did want to know why he collapsed but only if he was ready to tell her. First though, she had something to tell him.
"I do want to know but first let me tell you a little story. When I was younger, my brothers and sisters and I would watch Star Search and that show always made me upset. I couldn't understand why my siblings liked it so much when most of the performers on it, hundreds of talented children who would grow up to be very successful whether or not they chose to capitalize on the special gift God gave them, looked miserable while they were on stage. One after another I could see fear and disappointment and sadness in their faces and I just knew it was because they knew that if they lost they would have to walk off stage and face unhappy parents who wanted their child to win at all costs, and would only push them harder the next time. I don't want you to win at all costs. That doesn't mean I don't want you to win, or that I don't want you to play basketball. I know how much you love the game. But I see something in you that I didn't see in those contestants on that stupid TV show. I've seen you thrive when you're on the court. I've seen you be happy. I didn't see that in you last night and I can only guess why."
It was in this moment that he knew he had found something special in this girl and he knew beyond a doubt he could confide in her. He told her about the drugs, and the pressure from his dad, and how sorry he was that he let his behavior get so out of control in her bedroom and before the game.
When he finished talking, he looked so down that she tried to joke and cheer him up.
"Hey, you always have your good looks to fall back on if this basketball thing doesn't pan out. Marky Mark modeled underwear for Calvin Klein and look where he is today," she said with a slight laugh. "Wait, he's not in rehab, is he?"
"Nice Haley," he deadpanned, though he couldn't help but laugh as well, "real nice. When I bared my soul to you I told you how much I needed you and wanted you while you just compared me to a B-list movie star."
She rested her chin on his chest and stared up at him with wide-open brown eyes.
"I thought my whole Star Search analogy was really profound," she mumbled as her mouth sagged into a pout. "I probably should have stopped while I was ahead."
He leaned down and kissed her mouth, quieting her and wiping that frown away.
"I was teasing you," he told her, "but I would like to know.do you feel that way about me? Like when you see me or when you're with me, nothing else matters."
She wanted to say yes. A part of her felt the answer was yes but another part of her was screaming that it was too soon to definitely know that. He was acting terribly vulnerable and Haley didn't know what to say.
It was daunting. Yes, Nathan Scott meant a hell of a lot to her. More than she ever thought he would. But, was it all-or-nothing love? How could she know for sure? They didn't make any PBS documentaries about this or at least, if they had she had certainly missed it.
All of a sudden she wished she were more experienced in bedroom talk. Brooke and Peyton would know exactly what to say now to lower the tension and bring back the romantic feelings that they had both woken up with. It was taking every ounce of strength she had not to just roll over onto the floor and slide herself under the bed.
But she didn't. Instead, Haley said the first thing that came to her mind. Something she figured Nathan would want to hear, if she couldn't tell him just yet what he really wanted to hear.
"Let's talk about this later. Why don't we go take a shower?"
She would have choked on the words if she hadn't been trying so hard to say them with sincerity.
"Haley," the way he said her name made her shiver.
Of course, that was only the worse thing she could have said but it had seemed like a good thing at the time.
"No, don't Haley me. I.I'm serious," she tried again.
It was obvious to Nathan what she was doing, and while a part of him liked that she was trying to put his feelings before her own.decorum, it was also a little hurtful that she wouldn't just tell him the truth.
"If it's just too soon, tell me?" he asked.
"What, to take a shower? I asked you remember," she faltered slightly over her words when she knew full well what he was referring to.
"No.I mean. I get it, you don't feel the same way."
He finally removed his arm from around her shoulder and tried to sit up but her hand on his leg stopped him. She sighed as she realized the only way to get her pathetic self out of this mess was to be brutally honest. She fidgeted nervously as she spoke.
"I like you," she began. "A lot, in fact. I - I don't do this Nathan. I don't have sleepovers with boys and I certainly don't fall asleep in their arms. I don't even like having stuffed animals on my bed.but last night, when you asked me if you could stay, and I looked into your eyes, I - I never wanted anything more in my life and when I woke up in your arms and I touched your hair and you held me tight, everything just clicked and fit."
Nathan let out the breath he'd been holding. She just told him all he needed to hear.
"Why didn't you say that before?" he asked.
"Because smart girls are often really stupid, you'll learn this." she didn't get to finish her rant.
He lowered his lips to her and kissed the life out of his stupid smart girl.