Act II scene iv
RED trudges toward a small house which looks exactly like the one that CINDERELLA's stepfamily lives in, complete with bite marks. She knocks on the door.
RED: GRANNY! It's me, RED RIDING HOOD! Open up!
The WOLF jumps out then and starts to chase RED around the stage. Finally, RED stops and faces the WOLF.
WOLF: Hey, what gives?
RED: Where's my GRANNY?
WOLF: I ate her! And now I'm going to eat you!
RED: Ate my GRANNY?! (the WITCH and STEPSISTERS walk on stage) You did not. She's right there!
WOLF: Oh, all right, I didn't eat your GRANNY. I've spent the entire show not catching a meal; I'm tired of the audience thinking I can't hold my own as a WOLF!
WITCH: Oh, just get out of here!
WOLF: Yeah… well… I heard THREE LITTLE PIGS moved in somewhere around here… they'd make a better meal than any of you could anyway! (exits)
RED: Hiya, GRANNY! I brought you some… hey, what are they doing here?
STEPSISTER 1: Looking for CINDERELLA with our mother.
RED: Mother? That's my GRANNY!
STEPSISTER 2: She's our mother!
RED: GRANNY!
SISTERS: Mother!
RED: GRANNY!
SISTERS: Mother!
WITCH: Enough! Why don't you two go find CINDERELLA?
RED: She's that way.
SISTERS: CINDERELLA! (run off stage)
WITCH: All right, now to deal with you.
RED: Me? What did I do, GRANNY?
WITCH: You ruined my plans! You rescued RAPUNZEL, CINDERELLA, and SNOW WHITE! Just when I had them where I wanted them!
RED: Wait a second… you're the WITCH!
WITCH: YES! I'm the WITCH! Who did you think I was?
RED: I thought you were my GRANNY…
WITCH: Well, it doesn't matter now… with them safely out of my hands, my scheme was thwarted. Hurray for you…
RED: What scheme?
WITCH: With them out of the way, there would be no happy endings in the world. If they got what they wanted, there would be a sense of hope in the world, yadda yadda yadda. I wanted to stop that.
RED: Why?
WITCH: Well… what else was I going to do today?
RED: You were just doing that because you were bored?!
WITCH: I'm an old woman with nothing to do and BINGO's only on Wednesday nights!
RED: That's terrible! You should be ashamed of yourself!
WITCH: Oh, all right. I'm ashamed of myself. Happy?
RED: No… now you're being sarcastic.
STEPSISTERS return with CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, and the PRINCES.
SNOW WHITE: That's the WITCH that was chasing me because I'm the fairest in the land!
CINDERELLA: No, that's my wicked STEPMOTHER!
SNOW WHITE: WITCH!
CINDERELLA: STEPMOTHER!
WITCH: Oh, not again…
DASHING: Well, whoever she is, she's banished from the kingdom!
CHARMING: Forever!
RAPUNZEL and the DWARVES walk out of the house.
JAN: Who'd have thought that our mine would lead to a house made entirely of gingerbread.
FEB: Hey, look, it's SNOW WHITE.
MAR: Oh… great.
SNOW WHITE: See? A WITCH was chasing me!
APR: We didn't doubt that.
MAY: It was the "fairest in all the land" stuff we doubted.
CHARMING: You take that back, DWARF!
JUN: Make us!
JUL: Let's get out of here! (DWARVES exit, leaving RAPUNZEL)
RAPUNZEL: Gee, thanks, guys. Leave me with the WITCH who had me trapped!
DASHING: Don't worry. She won't be bothering anyone ever again!
RAPUNZEL: She won't?
CHARMING: She's banished.
RAPUNZEL: She doesn't look banished.
DASHING: We haven't chased her off stage yet.
SISTERS: What about us?
DASHING: Banished, too.
WITCH: Can we get this over with then?
CHARMING: Shall we? (all but RED run from the stage)
RED: Um, all's well that end's well, I guess. In case you're wondering, we all live happily ever after… but you probably knew that already. So… yay for happy endings!