Chapter One: Shadowed Dreams
Summary: Thirteen yeaars ago, nothing could have seperated them. Now everything has changed. What is the price of love? Impersonation is a dangerous game, especially in love. Continuation on Snowlily's, Sirius/Arabella, end of GoF, AU.
Disclaimer: The prologue belongs to the awesome, the wonderful, the beautiful Snowlily, as well as the ideas and majority of this chapter and the next one. All the characters belong to JK.
I try, I always try—every day, I concentrate, I push myself, I scream at myself for thinking about Him. I do everything I can to forget about Him. Staring at this magazine, I can't see the words on the page; some trivial thing, something no one cares about—the latest song. My eyes lock onto that word and I give a strangled sound that might have been a laugh, once. I can't sing anymore, either. He stole that.
But it doesn't work this time, it never works. I'm still left here, sitting alone at my kitchen table in the dark, staring down at a magazine I can't read. I push back my chair angrily, moving restlessly around the room. There is nothing to do, nothing to keep me away from my own thoughts. And He is my thoughts.
I hate you, Sirius! My mind screams. I hate you! Look what you've done to me! You've ruined me, you bastard! You've ruined my fucking life! I hate you!
But somewhere in the back of my mind, a nagging voice urges me on. Do you really hate Him? the voice whispered. No, Arabella. You love Him…He stole Lily, He stole your heart, He stole your song, He stole your life, He stole your hope, and you still love him.
I sit down on the couch, suddenly exhausted. Every bone in my body aches, cries out for rest, but there is no rest for me. I sit up straight, back not even touching the back of the couch. I will not give in for him. I might kill myself doing it, but I will not stop picking at this scab. He stole my life, but I will not lie down, I will not cry, I will not....
The thought fades, and I'm left, staring at the mantleplace, where the engagement ring sits in front of the mirror he gave me. The ring that still says he loves me. The mirror that shows me a bitter old woman. He wouldn't love you if he saw you now, that annoying voice in the back of my head nags me. You're hideous. Look at you. Haven't taken a shower in days, big black circles under your eyes, robes dirty and messy. You're a bitter old woman.
I sit straight up, despite the weight of my heart pulling me down, despite the tears that are dying to escape, and somehow make my face into a semblance of calm. I hate him. I love him...
"But, how will this affect Harry?" Remus was saying impatiently. I brushed it aside. "You know what it will do to Harry. We have to worry about protecting him more than anything else right now." I bit my lip. "I have to go to soon. I have to visit most of them before the night's out or Fudge will have the alert out." Remus looked at me silently with that penetrating look of his. "Do you have to visit her?" he asked quietly. I felt a pang…damn him for being right, once again. It had always been that way; Moony was always right, and we could never hide anything from him. That wasn't his real question, either. "It's not an issue," I said, but the lie in my voice screamed in the room. Remus looked at me and I knew he didn't believe me.
"Right," he said carefully. "Well, what are we going to do to protect Harry? He's safe at the Dursleys, true, but that doesn't stop Voldemort from coming after him while he's somewhere else...school, for example. How do we protect him there? We'll have to set a watch, maybe—"
"Remus," I cut in suddenly, unable to hold it in any longer. "What happened to her?"
Both Remus and I are silent, staring into each other's eyes. "Why don't you ask her yourself?" Remus asked quietly.
I laughed. "Yeah, right. Think about this, Remus! I can't just go in there like nothing's happened and say 'Hey Bella, Voldemort's back,' when she still thinks I murdered Lily and James! She hates me. She'll probably think I've come back to kill her too! She'll call Fudge the second I come in. Hell, she might even try to kill me like Harry did last year!" I forced a laugh—it sounded bitter and cynical to my own ears. "I can't just go back. I can't. It's too late for that now. She probably hates me."
"Listen to me. You have to do this. If not for yourself, just do it for her. She deserves to know what really happened. From you."
Damn Remus and his noble altruistic tendencies. "Yeah, and what else? She'll kill me the minute I step into that door." I shook my head. "What happened to her?"
Remus paused, but before he could tell me to ask her again, I said roughly: "What happened to Arabella, dammit!?"
Remus paused again at the raw emotion in my voice, the desperation. God, what did I do to deserve this? The woman who holds my heart in her hand hates me and will kill me the moment I step into her line of vision. What a sad ironic joke. But for some reason, I'm not laughing.
"She...still has your ring," Remus said carefully. I stared at him, hope beginning to rise, barely, imperceptibly, in my heart. She kept the ring. Oh Merlin, the ring I gave her, so long ago. "She wears it, sometimes."
I stared at Remus, unable to speak, my voice somehow stuck in my throat. "She still loves you, Sirius," Remus said softly. "She thinks you're a Death Eater, and she hates herself for it, but she still loves you."
I sink back in my chair. "You have to tell her the truth," Remus demanded. "You have to tell her."
"And get myself killed?" I spat out, laughing bitterly. "Arabella's stubborn as a rock. She'd curse me just because she still loved me, and then get mad at herself because she wouldn't torture me first. She thinks I betrayed Lily and James and there's no way I'll talk her out of that."
Remus was silent a moment, and a clock ticking in the background suddenly seemed to overpower the room. "You'll never know unless you talk to her," Remus said finally. "You have to see her sometime."
Damn him. He's right and he knows it, and he knows that I know it. I stood up. "I'll go."
All the world is a jest
And all truth is some form of a lie
We can't rely on anyone anymore
And there was never anything to live for to begin with
Look at what I am now
This is how I think
This is how I live each day
And I hope you know you've ruined me
And I hope you know I hate you
And I hope you know I don't care at all
You know I can't even talk about the pain I have inside
There aren't even ways to say it
But I'll never cry
This desolate land populated with soul-less bodies
And heartless beings is all that I have to
Console in and it's hard to believe that I used to have a heart
My love died a long time ago
And I can't look at a rose anymore
Without seeing all those thorns
And I don't sing like I used to
And the hope I once held is long gone
I have broken pieces of my dream
Lying in the dirt at my feet
Little invisible shards of memories
And with my unprotected feet I trod on them
And they cut into my skin
And they stay there
And I have that pain there forever
I like to take long walks at night
When it's pitch black and the air is cold and
It makes me numb and insensitive to my mind
Because that's the only time I can escape my thoughts
And they're all made up of you
I remember how you once took me dancing in the rain
And how that was the first time
You told me how much you loved me
And I used to love the rain
I let it fall into my mouth
And wash away all the fear
And it rained the other day
But I didn't dance at all
I watched it from my window
And I didn't smile
But I heard it pelting against my window
Like it was trying to reach me and make me feel it
And I almost laughed scornfully at all the memories it brought
All those bitter memories that you left me with
Time is crawling outside my door
Lingering like salty tears
Released for the cause of loss
And it makes me think of everything and you
And though I've tried so hard
I can't seem to forget you.
-by Xaviera Xylira
The room was dark, shadows barely perceptible moving against the wall. Arabella stirred in her sleep, reaching across her bed in her sleep, reaching for something that wasn't there. Her hand stilled, and in the darkness, her eyes looked at her hand, reaching across her bed. Angrily, she clenched her fist. No.
The room was silent, no noise perceptible but Arabella's rhythymic breathing. Somewhere in the distance, thunder boomed, and Arabella shivered and sat up. A soft tapping on her roof made her look up. Rain. It was raining. Her face contorted in pain as if she were trying to cry, then in anger she was trying to cry. Anger because I'm crying or because I won't let myself cry? she thought, her thoughts laced with anguish. Enough!
Pushing her covers aside like they were strangling her, she angrily pulled herself out of bed, her bare feet loud against the hardwood floor, not even bothering to pull on a coat as she stormed down the hall and opened the front door. Rain streaked down her face, dampening her blue gown, matting down her hair as she walked down the sidewalk, not even caring who saw her, leaving her house door right open. Hair plastered around her face, the long black locks dampened and clinging to her face, rain streaking down her face like tears would have, her gown flowing around her legs as it swept the floor. Her gray eyes were the color of the sky.
Rain streaked down her face tenderly, brushing at her skin, trying to remind her of love, of her dance in the rain, of how he took her there...she brushed it aside angrily. Why does every damn thing remind me of him!? she screamed mentally, not even knowing if she said the words. This was insanity, and to hell if she cared.
She stopped in the middle of the street, staring back at her house, rain trickling down the sides of her face, her blue nightgown clinging to her skin, her black hair dripping down her back. She stared at her house, barely visible in the darkness, the door wide open, looking like a monster with a huge gaping mouth. Someone was standing there.
She was quite still and didn't say anything. The person turned slowly and caught sight of her. There was total silence, and somewhere in the distance, thunder boomed. The man turned and walked towards her until he was facing her, and until she could see his face.
Sirius Black.
It was Him. Arabella clenched her fists. She hated him, but at the same time, her heart gave a leap in her chest, and she clenched her fists tighter, furious at herself, wanting to do nothing more than slap him across the face....
His eyes were dead, black, no life in the depths, staring at her in hardness, staring at her. Then he spoke, and his voice cut her like a knife, full of scorn. "I bet you thought I meant it when I said I loved you. Pathetic, really."
Rage flew up in Arabella and without thought she ran across to him, punching him in the face, and she was screaming, screaming and punching and kicking as he grabbed for his wand, pointing it at her—
"Crucio!"
Arabella screamed, and this was a scream of pain, falling to the ground as her entire body spasamed, shaking uncontrollably on the ground as a thousand needles pricked into her head, as a thousand knives slashed at her skin—
Then it was over, as quickly as it had started, Arabella panting on the ground, rage still clogging her vision, her senses. "You never understood." His voice was quiet over her. "You were pathetic. You didn't deserve to live."
Arabella closed her eyes and relaxed against the ground, her face finally breaking into a smile at last. She was going to die.
"Avada Kedavra."
Lightning flashed outside her window and Arabella sat bolt upright in bed, sweating and panting. It was just a dream. Just a damned dream...
She put her head in her hands, staring at her sheets, panting. She would kill him. She would kill that bastard if it was the last thing she ever did.
Sitting up in bed, she stared out the window, stared out at the rain, falling softly against her window, pattering softly in the tune she knew so well. Her shoulders sagged and she relaxed for the first time in years, resting her head against the window. "You've destroyed me," she whispered brokenly in the dark, and her voice caught.
Outside, lightning flashed, and the doorbell rang.