Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, 4 very unlikely students discover the meaning of life.
Disclaimer: HP is owned by JK. slytherinsRsexyer7283/beater#4 R kewl.
Chapter 7: Skin and Bone... Susan Bones that is!
You must have heard it from my best friend
She's always talking when she should be listening
Couldn't keep a secret to save her life
But still I trusted her with all I felt inside
- Aaron Carter, "Crush On You"
~
Tom Riddle scurried away with his Basilisk sliming behind, carrying his Kareoke Final trophy on its beak, while Susan was enjoying a game of KnuckleBONES in the Gryffindor common room.
"Oh no, we have Gymnastic Studies with Slytherin!" Seamus squeaked, while he pulled all the sheets off Ron's bed and wrapped himself up in them. Unknowingly he had wrapped up Harry who was asleep in Ron's pillowcase at that very moment.
Dean Thomas put up his West, Shane- Shane West that is!- poster.
"Oh no we have breakfast with Slytherin!"
"They're not that bad........" Harry winked at Draco who was in the other side of the castle in his bedroom who unknowingly winked back.
The Scooby Gang made their way down to Cornelius's feet, the smell of bacon and cheese was overpowering and everyone's stomach rumbled. All at the same time!
"Where's the cannon?" Neville fighted.
"You know perfectly well where MY cannon is..." Seamus exploded.
If you were wondering where Hermione was, she was in some dark corner with Lockhart trying to get her grade changed.
"Hey Ron, I don't really like Hermione." Harry confessed.
"Look Harry, you're my best friend and you can tell me anything." Ron said concerned.
"What? I just told you I didn't like Hermione." said Harry, annoyed at his poor friend.
"Yeah, its nice that we got rid of pumpkin juice isn't it?" Vin Diesel revved his car sexily.
"Yesssss Seamus is here!" Patty Patil exclaimed, as the Irish fellow swaggered to the table. But before one word could be uttered from Seamus's mouth, a flood of owls swooped down with today's mail.
"Bloody hell!" Blaise called, annoyed at the feathers that had piled into his porridge. The Great Hall was soon filled with annoyed shouts. Wibble, Crabbe's trusty owl had in fact urinated into Percy's carrot juice. Unknowingly Percy drained his glass, liking the distinct tang his juice had today. Ron's old owl had died in somebody's roast chicken and was eaten up. Everyone's food and drink were filled with owl droppings. Only a select few had noticed this but the rest of the hall didn't.
"Yay! The annual Weasley family newsletter!" Hermione screeched opening hers excitedly.
"Oooh! Bill's written an entire page this year!" Screech said.
Dean ripped Seamus open- I mean, his letter open. "Wow! Ginny got a new diary last month!"
From across the room, Blaise could be heard exclaiming, "Ahhhh, Percy has a centerfold this year!"
Harry read the opening paragraph out loud to the entire hall, which was written by Mrs Weasley herself. "We made $3 this year, which was enough for us to pay for the postage and printing of the newsletter! After the embarrassing escapade with Fred and George becoming... closer than we would expect, $3 has stretched a lot further in this household because they were shipped off to Azlankabakebab." Harry paused, waited for silence as he could hear everyone in the room's eyes following what he had just read.
"I got the Mr Weasley sticker! I want to trade for a George sticker!" Justin Finch-Fletcherly cried out loud.
"No sorry, I only have Percy in the shower..." Marcus Flint brushed his teeth.
"Ahem." Harry cleared his throat and continued. "We are also pleased to announce that Ron has made us so proud! He and Seamus are so happy together and I hear Seamus's family actually have money! Here's hoping for a wedding! And Percy has just informed me...... that he didn't mean to see Dumble naked! Sorry old man!"
"Ooh, there's a picture!" Lavender smelled.
"Not of Dumbledore you sick freaks.... its of my brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA.... with a DRAGON" Ron snarled.
"And, our family would like to apologize for the embarrassing photographs that surfaced with George, Fred, Hagrid and Vincent Crabbe in a rather uncompromising position..."
At this Crabbe turned a deep shade of mahogany, and collected Wibble out of the pile of rock cakes, leaving breakfast for once and for all.
Suddenly all the rival houses Gryffindor and Slytherin were preparing for their Gymnastics class with Professor Barty Crouch.
"Can I trade anyone for a blue lycra suit? Purple's just not my color!" Lavender colored. Draco snatched the skin-tight purple lycra suit and began changing right in front of everyone. S-l-o-w-l-y he unclasped his robe and let Neville scurry away with it and started choking on Seamus's dodgy Irish fluffy toy. Dancing around the room, he grabbed Pansy's attention but she was too slow because the boy who lived stepped in front of her and removed the toy and saved Draco's life!
Barty Crouch crouched into the changing rooms, already wearing his SKIN-TIGHT FLURO ORANGE LYCRA SUIT with a hood. It showed all his curves- or in his case, all his wrinkles and lumps.
"Now today kids..." Barty's wrinkles could be seen wobbling inside his suit, "I'm going to show you all how to crouch into various positions. Everyone grab a partner- not literally grab, Mr Finnegan!"
Draco partnered with Harry, Blaise partnered with Hagrid, Hermione partnered with Terry Boot and last but not least, Ernie partnered with Warwick Davis.
"Now, everyone stand like this," Barty demonstrated the first pre-crouch position that they were to learn. But Seamus had another thing in mind and didn't even have his gym gear on and was chasing Neville around the room in a pale Irish blur, snapping Neville's suit elastic on various parts of his body.
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the lycra and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."
Lee Jordan came back from his holiday in the South Afghanistan. And hooted.
"Hey Ron, can I borrow some money?" Harry asked his unwealthy penniless friend.
"Harry that's NOT FUNNY!" Ron was in hysterics and ran out of the class crying, as did the rest of the class because Barty Crouch was doing something strange and unhealthy.
That signaled the end of class because Professor Crouch was in need of a hip replacement.
"Look Harry, I'm your best friend you can tell me anything." Ron sympathized walking out of the class and running away. Harry defeated Voldemort and made his way into the Great Hall because it was lunch and he was hungry.
But this lunchtime was different. Dumbledore had lost half-his beard and everyone was acting strange...
"What did your mum get you for Christmas Harry?" Hermione screamed in the boy who lived's face.
"Hey Ron, can I borrow some money?" Harry asked peacefully, laughing at his expense. Ron cried.
"So... I hear you have the dark mark." Dennis Creevy tried to make conversation with the bleached nemesis, Draco Malfoy.
"How's your teeth?" Someone said randomly to Marcus Flint. He hid his teeth in shame.
"Oh I didn't know you were related to Flitwick." Harry took a jab at Draco's hurt ego. Stupid git.
"That's a nice book Ron... a little TOO nice if you ask me. Where'd you 'buy' it from again?" Dean T noted, knowing his parents could never afford even a page from that book. Ron blushed as red as Seamus's underwear.
"I hear Boyzone broke up..." Crabbe poked Seamus who burst into Irish tears.
"It must be fun having a dad who's a Death Eater." Fred phelped to Draco. Draco scowled.
"I hear Stephen Gateley is gay." Pansy said, comforting the sandy-haired boy who seemed to cheer up a little.
"That's a nice diary Ginny... a little TOO nice if you ask me. Where'd you 'buy' it from again?" Dean T noted again, knowing his parents could never afford even a pen for her diary. Ginny blushed as red as Seamus's underwear.
"So, how blind are you?" Goyle inquired, taking Harry's glasses off.
"Which twin are you?" Millicent bleated, causing George to jump on Fred's lap, distraught.
"Oh, so how old are you again? 7?" Susan Bones (that bitch!) bonesed to Draco who just shook his head sadly.
"How many bones have you broken today Susan?" Harry rebutted. Everyron hated Susan now.
"I heard the Gryffindor Quidditch captain sucked. Yeah, they're trying to kick him off the team." Angelina Johnson informed Oliver Wood.
"Its so cool how Cedric died." Ron finally said, 'accidentally' cutting off Chow's finger.
"So I hear Harry is the real descendant to Salazar Slytherin..." Buckbeak groaned to Draco. Leave Draco alone! Draco started to cry.
"Its so cool how nobody likes you Chow." Draco laughed and pointed at this stupid annoying damn ugly git.
"So my parents are sane, how about yours?" Penelope Clearwater cleared the water and loped to Neville.
"Hey you look like that guy off the Harry Potter movie..." Ron ronned to himself.
"Nice teeth." Justin Finch-Fletcherly huffled to Marcus Flint, who again hid his teeth in shame.
"Hey Lavender Brown, isn't your best friend Yellow Green?" Heath Ledger ledged. What a legend! Ledge!
"Four-eyes. Hahahahhahahhah!" Hermione pointed at Harry's face, laughing.
"Ever heard of tanning lotion?" Lee Jordan commentated with his loud speaker-like mouth at Draco.
"So how many bottles of platinum hair dye do you go through a week?" Adrian Puccey sniffed, asking a very VERY upset Draco who ran from the Great Hall bawling his eyes out.
"Yer." Hagrid gianted.
Draco pulled out his packet of Marlboro cigarettes that he had stolen from Quirrell's turban. He lit it and took a l-o-n-g and sexy drag from it and s-l-o-w-l-y exhaled the smoke.... yummm...
And along came Harry. "Godamn you're sexy when you do that..."
"What?"
"I mean- Hagrid's sexy when he.... err..."
"Ew don't finish that sentence."
"So.............................."
"Wanna go do it in that bush over there?"
"Okay."
But before they could even move, that damn Irish pain-in-the-ass bounded along singing some sort of Irish lullaby about leprechauns that come in the night. Seamus wondered what the odd looking white stick that was on fire was doing in Draco's mouth. As he was Irish, he didn't know what cigarettes were. Where HE came from, they smoked Leprechaun toenails.
"Damnit Seamus I was just about to score." Harry scowled, trudging back into the castle.
"Oh well, tomorrows another day!" Bruce Willis terrorized.
A.N: Did you get our clue about them being outside at the end? See if you can spot it! Poor Ron... haha excuse the pun! Review! Wooo!