Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Snape has found an unlikely connection with one of the students.
Disclaimer: J.K Rowling wrote Harry Potter.
Chapter 9 (part 2): Tabula Croucha
I came into this world as a reject look into these eyes
Then you'll see the size of these flames
Dwellin on the past its burnin' up my brain
Everyone that burns has to learn from the pain
Hey I think about the day my girlie ran away with my pay
When fellas come to play
No she stuck with my homies that she fucked
And I'm just a sucker with a lump in my throat
- Limp Bizkit, "Nookie"
~
Everyone slowly made their ways down to the Great Hall for a V-Day brekkie feast. The Hall was ablur with red and pink hearts and Snape was wearing a frilly pink heart summer gown. Excited talk filled greatly the room.
"OMG I got a card from CEDRIC!!!! this year!" Chow chowed, showing everyone a card *from* Cedric while she dragged his corpse behind her.
"Yeah... cool... ha me too...." Goyle tried to do godknows what.
"SILENCE!" The old man up the front who was the headmaster, babbled. "It has come to my attention that we have a poor student among us who wishes to remain anonymous. He has requested that we put collection bins around the school, so if you see a 'RON COLLECTION BIN' sign, please give rags and food scraps generously. That is all!"
And then the old man died and clapped his hands. At this, all the plates were filled with Valentine themed-food such as heart-shaped sausages and pink toast. Real human hearts also floated above the tables, replacing the overused floating candles for once.
Meanwhile, the fairytale monster was floating around the school looking for 7 hearts.
"Hey Harry, I reckon we should donate some nice expensive clothes that we no longer want... yeah..." Ron suggested, looking around nervously. "I could do with some new robes- I mean, that err.... boy... could do with some new robes... yeah..."
"Yay Ron. I don't like poor people-" but Harry was interrupted by the Trolley Lady.
"Anything off the trolley dears?"
"No thanks, I'm all set, Mum made me some sandwiches that we can't really afford anyway... my brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA...." Ron told his life story.
In the girls section of the table, Hermione and Lavender and Yellow were all giggling about Hermione's valentine from a certain black dreaded Quidditch commentator.
"Well, he has got young blood..." Hermione giggled.
"Ew, but his mouth is just so abnormally large!" Seamus Irished.
"And what's with that vibrating thing he does?" Lavender nudged Yellow.
But Hermione didn't care. She was in love!
Meanwhile at the other end of the table in the boys section, Harry was giving Draco a big Valentines Day hug.
"So, what are you wearing Draco?" Neville longed.
"I'm wearing a pair of denim blue Dickies pants, a white wife-beater and a light blue long-sleeved shirt which happens to be unbuttoned."
"So, what are you wearing Harry?" Bottomed Neville.
"A red button-up short sleeved shirt and tight dark blue denim jeans." Mmmm Harry and Draco looked wheat.
Ginny noted all this in her Diary so she wouldn't forget.... okay...
"Oh no, there are no classes with Slytherin today because its Valentines Day!" Helga Hufflepuffed.
"What are you wearing to the ball Osama?"
"I was thinking of threading some ribbons through my orange beard and raping some Pete's..." Professor Binns bombed.
And the general chit-chat at the Great Table became who was going with who and who was wearing what.... to the......... YULE BALL!!! Which was.... tonight!
Suddenly it was evening.
Seeing as it was St Patrick's night, the carpet the couples had to walk on to enter the hall was green instead of red.
Snape positioned the spotlight (which was in the shape of a heart) aiming it at the main doors, which burst open and the first couple walked down the green carpet.
Which was... Oliver Wood who was sporting a very white Sailing outfit, accompanied by his partner for the evening which was a dog who was wearing some sort of Sailor hat. Following him, in a lovely shade of brown was Mr T and his hoe- I mean, date- Pansy Parkinson who looked absolutely sluttish with her caked on make-up, red mini-skirt and whorish black top. Ew. Next, the heart spotlight was on the Finnegan himself, who was decked out in a snazzy green little Irish number, with a four-leaf clover shaped bow tie. And his date? Ron Weasley stepped into the room, wearing some hand-me-down robes. Hermione swept into the room gracefully with her date, Luke Youngblood as Lee Jordan was suspiciously unavailable. They both wore matching outfits of Fluro Yellow lycra suits with hoods that Barty Crouch had kindly let them borrow. Unfortunately wrinkle marks had been left because the previous wearer had not washed the stains out. Woo!
Next, Harry and Draco walked in, hand in hand. They were both wearing black tuxedos with bow ties. Harry had ditched his glasses for the evening and was wearing contact lenses. He had also gelled the front portion of his hair up into a sexy flick. Draco hadn't done his hair in the usual slicked-back style, it looked like it had been trimmed and he now actually had a parting. You could see his brown re-growth because he hadn't bleached his hair in a while.... yummmmm.
Everyone else came in without much fanfare because they aren't very important.
A local wizard band, Enmasse, had lent their musical talents for the evening and had started with a nice slow number called, 'Break My Heart'.
Harry led Draco over to the punch bowl which Barty Crouch Jr popped out of.
"Well tonight Mathew, I'm going to be.... Osama Bin Ladin"
"I like carrot juice as well!" Harry thanked Petunia and him and Draco moved off into a dark secluded area of the Hall and drunk their spiked punch.
In another corner, Hagrid was asking Filch some personal questions.
"So why'd yer call yer cat 'Mrs Norris?'" Hagrid stared at Harry with his beetle-eyes.
"I'm a fan of Chuck Norris. Always have been. Gots to have your wits about yeh." Filch waved around his lantern in time to the music.
Meanwhile, George and Fred were propositioning everything that moved, as the spiked punch had also gotten to them.
"Can I phelp you up?" George leaned skankily into James Phelps, giggling.
"Mars is bright tonight..." Millicint strode over like a bull.
Oliver Wood lit a fire with his surname, warming everyone up... or was it the punch? Enmasse decided it was time to release some new material and sung 'Break My Heart'.
Harry caught a glimpse of Ron across the room, wearing what suspiciously looked like his old robes he had donated to the 'RON COLLECTION BIN' a few days ago. Ron was the only one wearing robes in the entire hall and was feeling penniless. Chow partied the night away dragging around Cedric's decomposing corpse which she had dressed up for the occasion.
Hermione was trying to impress her date with some cool logic. "Look, Lee Young Jordan Blood Luke... err... yeah! Watch this!" Hermione lifted her wand and swished and flicked, saying the magic words. "Chumbawumba Wu-Tang Clan!" Seamus squealed and a burst of smoke came out of his Irish eye socket. In response, he grabbed a handful of elastic in Lee Youngblood's costume, pulled back as far as he could and let go with a mighty Irish roar.
"EEEEOEOEOEOOEOOEOEOEOOEAAAAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHA!" Jordan screamed, clutching his suit in pain, his mouth was open wide and he was bouncing up and down much like a vibrating cellphone wrapped in yellow lycra with a hood.
Something was about to happen. Something big.
Hagrid.
The half-giant child-man had obviously had way too much to drink. Or he was just being his normal dodgy self.
Hagrid took some giant steps over to a secluded corner, stepping on Susan's Bones, grinding them for his bread. He began unbuttoning his pants and took some more giant steps towards the corner.
Hagrid was out of control. Somebody had to stop him soon. And fast.
Harry looked up just in time to see a tall giant man loom over him. In fright, he hid under Draco's shirt.
Suddenly Hagrid was arrested for Statutory Rape and was thrown into Azlankabakebab, receiving the Dementors Kiss and dying. Harry and Draco left the Yule Ball for some fresh air and were sitting outside under a tree. Mars shone brightly as a wolf ran past, hidden in shadow. Enmasse suddenly apparated onto the stairs leading to the Main Foyer, singing one of the songs of an old album called 'Break My Heart'.
"If I told you, I needed youuuu.... would you break my heart?" A guy that looked like Dave from The Moffatts sung, with some crappy drawings hung behind him. "If I told you, I'd DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The Dave guy belted out, and he and the other four Enmassers apparated one by one back into the hall in time to a heartbeat.
"That Hagrid guy looks damn fine tonight!" Neville's Grandma wrinkled.
"I liked your Valentine......" Harry blushed, playing with a piece of his hair that wouldn't stay gelled up. Draco didn't blush because Draco can't blush because he doesn't have enough blood circulating his body, so his ears just went a slight tinge of pink.
"I liked yours too. I liked your drawing of us.." Draco giggled.
"So... want a cigarette?" The sexy 5th year Gryffindor asked, pulling out his packet of Marlboro 25s.
"I think Fred would like that very much..." Blast Ended Skrewt #10 blast ended skrewted skrewtily.
Harry pulled out a cigarette for himself and watched Draco light his. Harry turned into a wibbling pile of mush and lit his cigarette as well.
Draco leaned back skankily against the tree branch and inhaled deeply, blowing a few smoke rings and loosening his bow tie.
"Mars is bright tonight" Harry said, lying down on the grass next to Draco.
"Have you donated anything to the RON COLLECTION BIN?" Draco feltoned.
"Nah, I don't like poor people... who is that bin for anyway?" Harry burned a hole in Hagrid's Hut with his cigarette, setting it on fire with Hagrid in it.
"I dunno..." Draco absentmindedly ashed his cigarette onto Ginny's diary.
"Tom Felton's really sexy." Harry radcliffed, throwing his cigarette butt into the forbidden forest.
"I think its time I met your parents." Draco slithered.
"Me too..." Harry said seriously.
"No, I'm Sirius." Sirius popped out of nowhere.
"No, I said I was SERIOUS."
"Ah, but you are mistaken for I AM SIRIUS!"
"I'm serious."
"Sirius- that's me."
"Serious, NOT Sirius."
"You aren't making any sense. I'm still Sirius."
"Serious: adjective. Grave quality or manner."
"I'm not really an adjective."
"Sirius has an 'I' in it. Serious has an 'E' in it."
"No, my name has no 'E's. Its just plain Sirius. 2 'I's, no 'E's"
"Godamnit I WANT YOU TO BE SERIOUS!"
"I believe I already am Sirius."
DUN DUN
"Thank you for reading our Valentines special!" Seamus mewed, running around naked.
"Time for a bath Seamus!" Percy shined his Hufflepuff badger.
A.N: Did you get our clues about the tree? And thanks to that really gross Hagrid/Harry story for inspiring a lot in this chapter... ew.... PLEASE review! Review! Review!