How come your arms are not around me (3/?)

"You must love me"

by: Jessica

"And every time you throw him to the floor

Why are you surprised to see he's breakable?

And every time you push him to the wall

Why are you surprised to see he's breakable"

( From "Breakable" by Fisher )

She came in the early light of day.

I was just about to open the diner.

She came walking through my door just like nothing had happened.

I stood behind the counter and I tried to smile like nothing had changed.

But it had.

Everything had changed.

I had tried to tell myself that it was nothing and that I needed to forget.

But as lay alone that night, I had twisted and turned all the scenes from that night and I came up with a conclusion I couldn't shut my eyes for.

She wanted him.

I had seen it in her eyes.

And that twisted the knife in my heart.

"I missed you last night….."

She came around and moved towards me.

I wanted to fall.

God, how I wanted to take her into my arms and forget about the world for a while.

But all I kept seeing was her face as she looked at Chris.

As she wrapped her arms around me a part of me wanted to surrender to her and just let go of all the anger and jealousy that kept eating at my center core.

But the pain in my heart made me blind.

So I pulled away from her.

I always pushed her away from me.

She looked at me with eyes filled with worry.

"What's wrong, Luke?"

"Nothing."

I wished I could say something smart and cleaver or even act like nothing had happened.

But I couldn't do that.

Not this time.

It was too much at stake this time around.

She reached for me but I backed away from her, afraid that if she touched me now I would surely crumble.

"Luke…."

How could she come here and act like nothing had happened?

How could she be so cruel?

I wanted to be strong and just stand there like I was made of ice.

But I couldn't.

"Why didn't you tell me?"
I wanted to scream.

Our eyes met.

"Tell you about what?"

"About Chris."
She avoided my eyes and backed away from me.
Acting guilty.

Her action spoke louder than words.

"He came to see Rory…"

I wished I could believe that.

I needed to believe that.

But all I could see was the look upon her face when she looked at him.

And that was the end of me.

I tried to ignore it for so long.

I had tried to convince myself that the bond they shared was simply their daughter.

But there was something there, something that I had shut my eyes to for so long.

"I saw you, Lorelai…."

Our eyes met.

"What are you talking about?"
"I waited for you…I waited…And when you didn't come I went to you…And…."
"Luke……He came to see Rory….."
"No, I saw you…You two…On that couch…."

"What? When did you see us?"
"Last night…"
"He stayed the night. He slept on the couch…"
Her words twisted the knife in my heart.

I had tried to be strong.

It was just words.

But I never thought words could hurt so.

But they did.

"I saw your face…"
"I don't know what you mean…"

I moved towards her.

Jealousy kept eating at my heart.

Pain kept breaking me apart.
"It looked like..."

"Nothing happened."

"But you wanted it to."

"NO!"

"I saw that look..I know that look."

I wanted to break her.

I wanted to show her the truth.

"What are you talking about!?"

"You want him!"

"No!"

"Don't lie to me, Lorelai.. Not now…I remember one night in this diner when you sat here and cried over the life you wanted. The life you wanted with him."
"That was then! This is now…All I want is you."
"I wish I could believe you."
"Why are you doing this?"
Her eyes were filled with tears.

"All I want is the truth…"
"What truth?"

"About you and Chris…"
"Nothing is going on!"

I wished that I could believe her words.

But fear had a hold of my heart and kept breaking me down little by little.

I turned away from her.

"Luke, please…All I want is you……"

She was close now.

Her scent reached me and made me tremble.

"I don't know if I can do this…"
"What?"
"This..you and me…"
"Luke, no…"

I turned around and faced her.
"There will always be maybe and I will not be sure about anything. I will never be sure if I was just another rebound guy…."
"He is Rory's father and I can't just shut him out of our lives…."
"I know that….I don't think I can live with always wondering…."
"Wondering?"
"Wondering if I'm truly the one you want to be with…."

"Luke, please…You are….."
Her hands trembled as she reached for me.

I stood there and watched as her world came down around her.

I saw the pain  in her eyes.

"I wish I could believe you……."
"I don't know how to make you see that…."
 I stood strong while the walls around my heart shook.

Her eyes pleaded to me to fall.

But I couldn't.

I was saving myself.

"So you are just giving up!"
"Call it what you want!"

"Just like that."
"Just like that."

"You're a fucking coward….."
"Believe what you want!"
"I mean so little to you that you are willing to throw it all away with one misunderstanding!"

"Don't you understand!?"
"I understand that you are running away."
"I'm giving you permission."
"Permission?!"
"To go to him…."
"Permission to go to him?"
"Yes."
"Permission! Who the fuck do you think you are?"
"You want that life. You said it yourself."
"What life?"
"A life with Chris."
"I wanted that life. Wanted, Luke…."

"You still thinking about it…I saw it in your eyes, Lorelai…."

" So I wonder sometimes what my life had been like if I chose to marry Chris. So, what? I wonder, that's it. It doesn't say that I want it…."

"You sat here and you cried over him. I watched you…I watched you, Lorelai. I was there, remember."
"That was then…."
"And now you have gotten your chance…"
"No!"
"Don't lie…I heard it from Miss Patty….He's here to stay…."
"No, it's not like that. He is just visiting Rory…"
"And you took your chance…."
"Believe what you want! I don't care…"
Anger filled her eyes as she turned away from me and moved towards the door.

"So!"
"So!"
I wanted to scream.

All I wanted was the truth, nothing else.

"Lorelai!"
She stopped by the door, with her hand resting on the doorknob.

I moved towards her.

I had gone into battle so determined to break her.

But all I had done was to cause both of us pain.

My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her.

My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:

"Lorelai…."

"What do you want from me?"
Her voice trembled as she spoke.

"All I want is the truth….."

"I have told you the truth. I had told it over and over but you refuse to listen….."
"I just…"
I hesitated. I made the mistake of hesitating.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, she actually wanted me.

Just me.

But jealousy showed its ugly face again and tore at me.

"I don't know how to convince you, Luke…that I love you……"
"What if years from now you regret it?"
"Regret what?"
"Being with me….."

"I would never regret it….."
"That's why I have to be sure. You have to be sure…."
She turned towards me.

Her eyes reflected only pain.

She was close enough for me to pick up the slightest scent of her perfume.

I wanted to take her into my arms and just forget.

But doubt kept eating at me and I couldn't shut my eyes anymore.

So I had to set her free.

"I'm already sure…"
"You have to choose, Lorelai…"
"Choose?"
"Between him or me…"
"What?"
"You can't have us both."
"He's Rory's father I just can't…"
"I'm not asking you to shut him out of your life…I'm just asking you to make a choice of who will have your heart…him or …me………"
Her eyes met mine and as we stood there I could see something deep inside of her that told me the truth I had searched for.

I saw doubt.

And in that moment something inside of me fell apart.

Not a sound was made but the pain of the thrust made me stumble backwards.

I don't know what I thought.

Maybe I thought that she would once again convince me that she loved me.

But this time she couldn't lie anymore.

For once in my life I wanted lies because the truth hurt too much.

I had caused it.

I had no one to blame then myself.

I had asked her for the truth and finally she had given it to me.

She didn't know.

I backed away from her.

I bowed my head; afraid if she saw my eyes she would know the pain in me.

"Luke…."
She reached for me but avoided her hand.

"No, Lorelai…Just go…."
"I just…."
I lifted my head and met her eyes.

"Go, just go……"
"I love you…"
"But not enough…."
"Don't do this…"
"I have to…."

"Please…"
"Go, Lorelai…."

I turned away from her.

Silence wrapped around us.

Finally the silence was pierced by the sound of her opening the door and closing it behind her.

I refused to look when she walked away from me.

I just stood there with my back turned and I tried to not to feel my broken heart.

I tried not to feel it when I opened the diner an hour later.

I tried not to feel it when I served my customers and I swept up after closing.

As day moved into night I climbed the stairs to my apartment alone.

I tried to numb the feeling inside by watching TV.

I tried not to miss her.

I refused to miss her.

As I undressed in the moonlight and slipped into bed I was wrapped in a sea of her scent and for a brief moment I let myself feel.

And I fell.
God, how I fell.

And inside of me a broken heart beat angrily.

………………………………………

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