Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, what if Peter had not been a Marauder, and instead the fourth Marauder was a girl? Not just any girl - Hagrid's daughter and Severus Snape's best friend!
Disclaimer: Happy Irish Day! HP copyright JKR.
Chapter Eleven: The Egg and the Eye
Johnny is the joker that's been tryin' to steal my baby (he's a bird dog)
Johnny sings a love song (like a bird)
He sings the sweetest love song (you ever heard)
But when he sings to my gal (what a howl)
To me it's just a wolf dog (on the prowl)
- The Moffatts, "Bird Dog"
~
Ron watched everyone forlornly leave for Hogsmeade, his grubby poor hands pressing up against the glass as he hummed 'Money Money Money' to himself quietly, plotting a scheme.
Crabbe and Harry led the way, galloping merrily down the cobblestone road before parting and going their separate ways. Harry grabbed Draco and dragged him into the Three Broomsticks to see if they could buy some alcoholic beverages, not noticing a poor grubby orphan child busking on the side of the street for money. It was Ron, and he was turning his rat yellow and back again.
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Ron was collecting Harry's stained sheets from last nights dream about Voldemort. Ron had big plans for those sheets.
Chow had dragged Cedric's corpse along the cobbled road, his head lolling back creepily and banging on each stone with a dull 'thunk'
"Have you ever experienced a Phelp?" George sleazed on some ugly looking girl that looked familiarly Irish and whose hair was on crooked.
"Have you ever been Phelped before?" Fred leaned onto his twin who both were wearing expensive designer suits as their family was rich. The Weasley Twins continued trying to hit on this local girl, before realizing it was just Seamus in a wig... then they just hit on Seamus.
Meanwhile, Hagrid had slipped away and had spotted Ginny on the corner of Knockturn Alley, offering her a large sum of money for her services.
Back in Hogsmeade, everyone was crowded in the Three Broomsticks as it was snowing heavily outside. The fire was blazing away as Blaise Zabini blazed his blazer. Ron watched everyone forlornly from outside the Three Broomsticks, his grubby poor cold hands pressing up against the glass.
The whole school was getting rowdy as they had all had way too many butterbeers. Dennis Creevy accidentally bumped into Harry, who smashed his bottle on the counter and threatened Colin with the sharp shards of glass.
Then Hermione got all worked up and threw an entire pitcher of Vodka- I mean, Water- at herself trying to blend into the fight. Then Draco punched Harry and Crabbe threw Susan Bones by her bone into the Fire Place. Amos Diggory tried to dig up his sons body, but couldn't because Chow was still dragging it around. Seamus and Fred and George were getting rowdy but upstairs away from everyone. Dumbledore poked Winky with his walking stick and Neville turned around and fighted Ron. Adrian Puccey held his own and took on a sailor, a baker and a candlestick maker. Soon everyone was having a brawl! Harry picked up a handful of mashed potato and threw it at Draco, which hit him in the face. Draco grabbed a handful of grapes and threw them at Harry, but missed and they hit Mr T instead. And that was all. Ha! You thought there was going to be a huge food fight, didn't you?
Back at Hogwarts, all the Gryffindors were in Neville's bed, nursing various cuts and bruises from the huge fight.
Marcus Flint had broken a few teeth, Harry had a cut on his eyebrow which would soon turn into a wheat scar, Susan was all burnt and crispy, Justin Finch-Fletcherly had some warts growing on his kneecap and Doctor Bones was helping a very 'wounded' Seamus Finnegan who got up to his own 'fight' that night.
"Those sheet stains look familiar..." Harry muttered to himself, looking at Ron's tent the orphan had pitched up using some sticks he had stolen from the Forbidden Forest. Draco stayed well away from the poor grubby dirty starved red headed Weasel because if anybody went near him he would snarl and hiss, clawing at their face with his long spindly fingers. Poor people can't talk, you see.
"Psst... Puffapod... are you still awake?" Harry whispered across the leaves to his blonde haired nemesis because everyone was asleep.
"Look, you're my best friend Harry... you can tell me anything!" Dementor #58 kissed.
"Shut up Ron!" Draco Avada Kedavred to the grubby orphaned Weasel child, who just snarled in response.
"Lets sneak out in my invisibility cloak!" Harry scarred.
"Yes... I think I'll follow Harry and Draco in my Irish cloak..." Seamus cloaked himself in Irish.
So Harry and Draco snuck out of the Ravenclaw common room, hidden under the invisibility cloak with a certain Irishman following close behind.
"Lets go to the Astronomy Tower..." Draco suggested suggestively. Harry nodded, and they snuck all the way up to the Owlery were everyone already was.
"Truth or Dare!" Fang slobbered, wanting to play.
"Ok! Truth or Dare Terrence Higgs?" Newt Scammander swam.
"I choose Promise!" Terrence Boot chose.
"Promise you'll do your homework...." Rowena Ravenclaw clawed.
"Woo! Truth or Dare, Goyle?" Goyle just grunted, and Terry Boot suspected this meant he chose Dare. "Okay! I dare you to bite Cedric's elbow!" Chow dragged Cedric along for the occasion, and once he was bitten he was mysteriously dragged off again.
"Truth or Dare, Percy?" the dead unicorn asked.
"Truth!!!!!!!!!!!" Percy prefected perfectly.
"Is it true Gandalf? Is there really a ring?" Percy didn't know what to say, so he ran off with Frodo Baggins.
"Truth or Dare?" Pansy started the round, asking Quirrell.
"No dear boy... I tried to kill you!" Quirrell turbaned.
"Oh, okay! I dare you to remove your turban!" Pansy squealed, as many people made notes to themselves to dare her to jump out the window. Quirrell slowly unraveled his turban, revealing a moldy Voldie face. Before his turban even touched the ground, Ron had swiped it for later.
"Ludo Bagman, Truth or dare?" Karkaroff death eated, ending in a dare that Ludo had to put Susan in his bag.
"George, I choose you!" Mad-Eye Moody swiveled.
"Truth!" And the truth about George came out. He explained about how he was going to be sorted into Hufflepuff but he offered the sorting hat sex and money to sort him into Gryffindor. This was too much for his twin and they both burst out crying, dampening their expensive Armani night wear.
Mr T got dared to change his name back to Dean Thomas, while Hermione told the truth about her affair with Rita Skeeter. Neville again told the story about how his grandmother used to play with Trevor, and Seamus was dared to do an Irish strip jig. Ginny wrote this all in her diary which she bought herself from an expensive diary store, fiddling with the strap on her expensive Donna Karen evening gown. Even Charlie from Romania joined in, and dared to share the truth about what exactly he did with those dragons.
The game ended when it was Harry's turn, because Harry just kept daring Draco to kiss him, and then Draco would just dare Harry to kiss him back. Everyone got bored and left. Even Seamus.
Back in the dorms, Ron saw that there was an eviction notice pinned to his sheet tent. It was from Dumbledore, and it said that he had found out about Ron illegally smuggling himself into Hogwarts. Ron was to be deported to Azlankabakebab right away! Ron packed up his tent, tying it to the end of a stick like a nap sack, and left, humming 'Money (That's What I Want)' quietly to himself.
A.N: Poor Ron! Well now you too can make a difference in Weasels life. For just over a dollar a day you can sponsor a Ron helping him eat digestive oats because the oats he used to get fed that also got fed to the animals are too hard for his weak stomach to digest. Send us your cheques or money orders today! 1-800 GRUBBY RON. Calls cost just over a dollar per minute. Kids ask your parents first.