The Council of Elrond was winding down to a close. The spawning ground of the Mary Sue had been laid bare. Soon it would begin. Lord Elrond twitched his robes nervously. Saruliel would be upon them, and they had to keep their heads in order to survive.

Aragorn and Frodo were standing next to Legolas. "Take deep breaths, Legolas," the Ranger advised. Legolas nodded and braced himself for the encounter.

Elrond stood. They were doing "black-box-verse", so he had to say it. "You shall be the Fellowsh-"

"What be'ast thyne all doing here?" said an obnoxious, high-pitched voice. Saruliel had arrived.

She was an Elf, a pretty Elf, but not a true one. Her hair was blonde and "Sunkist", or, as Aragorn put it, "like an orange... color". She was slender, tall, and very fair of face. But Saruliel was insanely stupid. Elrond had no idea that one's intelligence could shrink below that of a cook pot, yet Saruliel was living proof.

Lord Elrond looked down at Vilya. "Why me?" he muttered, before pasting a happy Elven grin onto his face and turning to face Her.

Boromir hid his smile and winked roguishly at Gandalf. It was the Istari who had suggested the next bit. "We are attending a secret council meeting. Women are not allowed to attend, as they are weaker than the great exalted male gender."

Saruliel bit one "blood-red" lip and Elrond could see her "brain-cogs" working. That was an iffy suggestion, as Elrond had up to that point figured that Sues did not have brains. Yet if Sues could indeed think, this was Elrond's guess at Saruliel's train of thought.

Boromir = chauvinist

Chauvinist = female weakness true

Female weakness true = No Mary Sue

No Mary Sue = Bad bad

Boromir = Bad bad

"Mister Boromir, you sayist that I be'ast weaker then thine, but I beggest thine to reconsider me as braver and bolder than a many people sitting here." Saruliel said, smiling prettily at the Council. Boromir settled into chair in a satisfied manner as Saruliel simpered at Legolas.

Legolas smiled sarcastically, but rolled his eyes when the Sue looked away. Taking this as a sign of encouragement, Saruliel continued. "And lo I be'ast nay twenty, I be'ast wise beyond my years and a great spell-doer with full magic."

Gandalf was eying Saruliel under his bushy eyebrows warily. "'Spell- doer'?! By the Valar I hope this Quest destroys her," he muttered to Frodo.

"... As Queen Galadriel's step-niece I have also learnt strong Spelling from her. I be'ast not less in worthiness here than anyplace, Mister Boromir."

Elrond growled at the reference to Galadriel. Saruliel seemed to take this as a grin. Sam wondered if Saruliel was hard of hearing. Elven laughs are merry. Elven growls sound like cheese graters being scraped over stone slates.

"'Spelling'? She cannot 'Spell'... How ridiculous..." Gandalf murmured.

Saruliel laughed happily and sat down in a seat at Elrond's right. Elladan, who had formerly occupied this chair, was somewhere deep in the gardens of Imladris pounding rocks into the ground. Elven anger management was truly peculiar.

Frodo was stepping up to the plate. It was his turn to act. "O mighty Saruliel, truly you have wisdom beyond many a year! Please help me, for I am only one Hobbit against the world, and I wish only to return to the Shire. Aide me please, O fair lady Elf!"

Saruliel's lips parted to give an "awww!" but she caught herself in time to reply: "Mister Frodo," Sam bristled in his bush-hiding spot. Only *he* called Mr. Frodo "Mr. Frodo". Saruliel would pay for crossing this Hobbit. "I willest protectest thine through life to deadness. What be'ast thine task?"

Aragorn jumped to his feet. He had to get the contract here and now, or all would be lost. "Truly, Lady Saruliel? You will protect Frodo through every peril we come across? Every bloody trial? Every mind-bending, dirty, twisting obstacle of uncouth horror? Every bleeding, whinging, evilly trying task of gruesome wrath? Every-"

"Enough, Aragorn," said Lord Elrond, smiling slightly. "Do you agree, Saruliel?"

Saruliel appeared confused. "We're going to get dirty?" Her demeanor snapped into place. "Of course, on thine stars of the gods I thus doest do make my swearing."

Gandalf smacked himself in the face.

Gimli was up to bat. "But how best could this simple Elf-maiden do such a thing? We have a full company already assembled, what could Lady Saruliel do?"

"Yee could use-eth one more companion, nay be'ast I correct?"

Aragorn whispered to Boromir: "Verily, Lady. Thou nay 'be'ast' correct." The Man of Gondor chuckled.

Legolas grimaced. His turn. "I must say that I have found the solution to our dilemma. Saruliel, wise and fair, will you go ahead of our company and protect our road?"

Saruliel looked at him blankly. "What?"

"Oh for goodness' sakes, Sar- Fair Lady Saruliel," said Sam, jumping forward and knocking Merry and Pippin aside. "Mr. Legolas is asking you to go ahead of our party and clear a path to protect us! It's a simple idea, really!"

Saruliel was thinking again. The cogs were spinning...

Clearing Path = Helping Frodo

Helping Frodo = Helping Fellowship

Helping Fellowship = Helping Legolas

Legolas = Yummy

"I willest suffer myself to undertake such a treacherously dangerful road." Saruliel floated off to pack her bags, leaving the air at the Council smelling much cleaner.

"Hurrah! We did it, Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.

Merry and Pippin jumped up and down ecstatically. "The Sue is going! Going! Going!"

"But not yet gone," sighed Legolas. The Elf of Mirkwood shuddered and strode back to his seat. The Sues had always hit Legolas the hardest.

"Cheer up, Legolas," said Aragorn. "In the words of the Sue herself, at least we 'willest suffer herself' for only a short span of time."