Our story continues somewhere in Hollin...
Saruliel skipped merrily in front of the Fellowship, singing in what she probably thought was Elvish. In actuality it sounded like "Near-ith! Far- ith! Where-ith-ever (ith) thou art! I believe-ith that mine heart-ith willst go-ith oooooooonnnn!" with a smattering of "havodads", "mithrils", and "Yrchs" thrown in.
About twenty paces behind her, Aragorn was passing out earplugs. "A Ranger is always prepared for the worst," he said, handing two pieces of cork to Merry.
Legolas perked up his ears. "You brought cyanide?"
Pippin smiled secretively as Aragorn explained to Legolas why they couldn't gas Saruliel. After Legolas fell back into the group, Pippin spoke up. "I've got something."
"What have you got?" asked Sam, who was leading Bill the Pony up a rocky slope.
Pippin grinned and shook his head. It was his treasure. He had stolen it. It was the Sue's fault she had been too worried about her face-paint stuff to notice him. "It's Sue- I mean, Saruliel's."
"Burn it!" shouted Boromir from the rear. "Do not let it contaminate you!"
Pippin reached his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out what was unmistakably a cell phone to those familiar with the technology of Earth. This did not include any member of the Fellowship.
"Isn't that one of those talkie things Peter Jackson brought?" asked Gimli, examining the thing's pink slipcover. "Let me see."
Pippin handed over his prize reluctantly. After a few minutes of studying the contraption, (Which involved Gimli tossing the phone in the air, banging it into the ground, trying to split it open like an egg, giving it to Bill to chew on, and poking it with his axe) the "talkie thing" spoke.
"Beep-beep, beep-beep... Hello? Kimberly! Omigod, like, like! I gotta- Kimmie? Are you there? Is the Caller-ID like, like, busted? Kimmie? Kimmie?" said the "talkie thing".
Gimli started and dropped the device. Surely whatever thing the Sue possessed was the work of Morgoth. He was about to smash it to pieces when Gandalf intervened.
The wizard examined the small pink device and tentatively picked it up. "Who are you?" he said, staring at it.
"Like like, Kimmie? That you?"
"Hello Like Like Kimmie, I am Gandalf the Grey. Are you imprisoned in this device?"
Silence. Then a loud slamming noise.
"What was that about?" asked Aragorn, coming to examine the now silent cell phone. He had been in a rather sour mood all week, what with Saruliel insisting on leaving Rivendell at dawn. "But they'll see us!" Aragorn had insisted. "Wise Saruliel will protect-eth thou!" had been the Sue's only response, other than several quick hair checks into a hand mirror.
"It talked!" said Merry, pointing to the pink device.
"No, really. Gandalf talked to it, and it said-" Frodo was cut off by a beeping from the strange gadget.
"Hello?" said Aragorn tentatively, taking the phone from Gandalf.
"This is 911 emergency help line. We received a distressed call from one Shelly Smith, claiming that her friend Kimmie had been captured by 'Old Men Perverts'. Can you confirm this?" said the small device.
"Old?" said Pippin.
"Men?" said Legolas.
"Perverts?" said Gandalf.
"Why does Saruliel keep such a device? It seems rather rude," wondered Boromir. "If I were to own such a thing, I would have it say nicer words."
"'Boy, you sure can dodge arrows, Boromir!'" said Merry in a flattering, high-pitched voice.
"Shut up."
"Merry!" chastised Pippin. "He saved our lives!"
Boromir smirked and put on his "sorrowful voice". "I would rather just die once and be done with it. Not all this 'reincarnation for the Council of Elrond'. I would like to die to be remembered, a hero..."
"How many times have we heard this? Thirty? Thirty-five times?" muttered Aragorn under his breath.
"Thirty-seven," said Sam. "I've been keeping track." He pulled out an old "Yahtzee" score pad and made a tick mark under the "three of a kind" box, now serving the purpose of "Boromir's laments" box.
The Fellowship had been through many fanfiction stories. Sometimes with different time lines, most with a strong (and annoying) female joining their ranks. After so many of these warps, they had accumulated a sizable collection of what Frodo termed "Weird Mathoms". This included a set of ivory chopsticks, tweezers, a pair of sunglasses, some Trombone slide oil, a bottle of Crisco, a snow globe, four ballpoint pens, a Bee Gees CD, the TV Guide for June 5th-12th 1996, and a game of Yahtzee.
"Uhh..." said Gimli, who was still busy with the phone. "Who is Kimmie?"
"We had a very distressed call from Ms. Smith about this. Don't joke around with us." said the people from 911.
"Perhaps you are speaking of 'Like Like Kimmie'?" offered Gandalf, turning his back on Boromir, who had started up his favorite speech: "Alas, poor Boromir! I knew -know? Is it know now? anyway- I know him well..."
"Like like what?" said the phone.
"Do you have a stutter?" asked Legolas.
"We're sending a squad over to investigate. Please remain calm." A clicking sound, and the voice was silent.
Gandalf raised a bushy eyebrow. "We are calm. You are the one who is worked up."
A dial tone...
The Fellowship (with the exception of Boromir, who had moved on to his "A life, a life, my -well, it's not really mine, it's Aragorn's, if you must know, anyway- my kingdom for a life..." speech) crowded around the pink device, waiting for it to speak.
Two minutes passed.
"I think we killed it," said Frodo.
"What be'ast thines doing-ith?!" said a loud jarring voice from further ahead on their path.
"Quick, hide it!" said Merry. "She'll know we killed it!"
Legolas jumped into the underbrush, Aragorn threw a rock at Boromir, Gandalf created a campfire, Frodo sat down and looked burdened (in actuality the real One Ring had been destroyed long ago. Frodo was merely carrying around a plastic substitute), and Gimli moved Pippin away from the fire. Merry and Sam kicked the pink cell phone out of sight under Bill the Pony, and Boromir stopped mid-sentence in "Never was there a story of such woe, as Boromir, and the-the- What rhymes with 'woe'?".
"What be'ast thine intentions, hot sirs? I mean, good-eth sirs?" said Saruliel, coming forward.
A peculiar shaking sound came from the shrubbery. Like a certain Elf shivering in horror.
"Setting up camp, O wise, fair, and obtuse Saruliel." announced Gimli.
"Now lookie here, Geemi-Weenie! I am *not* fat, and I am not a triangle!" fumed Saruliel, rounding upon Gimli like an insane gorilla.
"Did she just call him Geemi-Weenie?" whispered Merry.
"Sure did. Let's add it to the list." Pippin said, pulling out their list of Obscene Nicknames Given to Undesirable Characters. He penned "Geemi- Weenie" underneath "Oldie Pants", a phrase used on Gandalf that had resulted in a smoking pile of Mary Sue Ash.
Unfortunately, it was then that Saruliel spotted her cell phone. "Where did you- err, 'Where didst thines find-eth mine cell-st phone-ith?"
"Cell phone?" asked Aragorn.
Sam, however, had followed her gaze and saw the pink device standing out on the ground under Bill's stomach. "We killed it," he admitted guiltily. Just because Saruliel was a Sue didn't mean that Sam had lost his conscience.
"You what-ith?"
"No! She's seen it!" cried Pippin, launching himself between Saruliel and Bill.
Anyone who has ever been a small four-legged domestic beast of burden (Gee, that's a lot of you.) will understand why Bill panicked at the sight of Pippin dive-tackling him.
The sound effects for the following events went something like this:
"NEEEEIIGGHHH!!"
"Fwump!"
"Clippity, clippity, clippity!"
"CRUNCH."
"My cell phone!! You [expletive] pony!"
Saruliel skipped merrily in front of the Fellowship, singing in what she probably thought was Elvish. In actuality it sounded like "Near-ith! Far- ith! Where-ith-ever (ith) thou art! I believe-ith that mine heart-ith willst go-ith oooooooonnnn!" with a smattering of "havodads", "mithrils", and "Yrchs" thrown in.
About twenty paces behind her, Aragorn was passing out earplugs. "A Ranger is always prepared for the worst," he said, handing two pieces of cork to Merry.
Legolas perked up his ears. "You brought cyanide?"
Pippin smiled secretively as Aragorn explained to Legolas why they couldn't gas Saruliel. After Legolas fell back into the group, Pippin spoke up. "I've got something."
"What have you got?" asked Sam, who was leading Bill the Pony up a rocky slope.
Pippin grinned and shook his head. It was his treasure. He had stolen it. It was the Sue's fault she had been too worried about her face-paint stuff to notice him. "It's Sue- I mean, Saruliel's."
"Burn it!" shouted Boromir from the rear. "Do not let it contaminate you!"
Pippin reached his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out what was unmistakably a cell phone to those familiar with the technology of Earth. This did not include any member of the Fellowship.
"Isn't that one of those talkie things Peter Jackson brought?" asked Gimli, examining the thing's pink slipcover. "Let me see."
Pippin handed over his prize reluctantly. After a few minutes of studying the contraption, (Which involved Gimli tossing the phone in the air, banging it into the ground, trying to split it open like an egg, giving it to Bill to chew on, and poking it with his axe) the "talkie thing" spoke.
"Beep-beep, beep-beep... Hello? Kimberly! Omigod, like, like! I gotta- Kimmie? Are you there? Is the Caller-ID like, like, busted? Kimmie? Kimmie?" said the "talkie thing".
Gimli started and dropped the device. Surely whatever thing the Sue possessed was the work of Morgoth. He was about to smash it to pieces when Gandalf intervened.
The wizard examined the small pink device and tentatively picked it up. "Who are you?" he said, staring at it.
"Like like, Kimmie? That you?"
"Hello Like Like Kimmie, I am Gandalf the Grey. Are you imprisoned in this device?"
Silence. Then a loud slamming noise.
"What was that about?" asked Aragorn, coming to examine the now silent cell phone. He had been in a rather sour mood all week, what with Saruliel insisting on leaving Rivendell at dawn. "But they'll see us!" Aragorn had insisted. "Wise Saruliel will protect-eth thou!" had been the Sue's only response, other than several quick hair checks into a hand mirror.
"It talked!" said Merry, pointing to the pink device.
"No, really. Gandalf talked to it, and it said-" Frodo was cut off by a beeping from the strange gadget.
"Hello?" said Aragorn tentatively, taking the phone from Gandalf.
"This is 911 emergency help line. We received a distressed call from one Shelly Smith, claiming that her friend Kimmie had been captured by 'Old Men Perverts'. Can you confirm this?" said the small device.
"Old?" said Pippin.
"Men?" said Legolas.
"Perverts?" said Gandalf.
"Why does Saruliel keep such a device? It seems rather rude," wondered Boromir. "If I were to own such a thing, I would have it say nicer words."
"'Boy, you sure can dodge arrows, Boromir!'" said Merry in a flattering, high-pitched voice.
"Shut up."
"Merry!" chastised Pippin. "He saved our lives!"
Boromir smirked and put on his "sorrowful voice". "I would rather just die once and be done with it. Not all this 'reincarnation for the Council of Elrond'. I would like to die to be remembered, a hero..."
"How many times have we heard this? Thirty? Thirty-five times?" muttered Aragorn under his breath.
"Thirty-seven," said Sam. "I've been keeping track." He pulled out an old "Yahtzee" score pad and made a tick mark under the "three of a kind" box, now serving the purpose of "Boromir's laments" box.
The Fellowship had been through many fanfiction stories. Sometimes with different time lines, most with a strong (and annoying) female joining their ranks. After so many of these warps, they had accumulated a sizable collection of what Frodo termed "Weird Mathoms". This included a set of ivory chopsticks, tweezers, a pair of sunglasses, some Trombone slide oil, a bottle of Crisco, a snow globe, four ballpoint pens, a Bee Gees CD, the TV Guide for June 5th-12th 1996, and a game of Yahtzee.
"Uhh..." said Gimli, who was still busy with the phone. "Who is Kimmie?"
"We had a very distressed call from Ms. Smith about this. Don't joke around with us." said the people from 911.
"Perhaps you are speaking of 'Like Like Kimmie'?" offered Gandalf, turning his back on Boromir, who had started up his favorite speech: "Alas, poor Boromir! I knew -know? Is it know now? anyway- I know him well..."
"Like like what?" said the phone.
"Do you have a stutter?" asked Legolas.
"We're sending a squad over to investigate. Please remain calm." A clicking sound, and the voice was silent.
Gandalf raised a bushy eyebrow. "We are calm. You are the one who is worked up."
A dial tone...
The Fellowship (with the exception of Boromir, who had moved on to his "A life, a life, my -well, it's not really mine, it's Aragorn's, if you must know, anyway- my kingdom for a life..." speech) crowded around the pink device, waiting for it to speak.
Two minutes passed.
"I think we killed it," said Frodo.
"What be'ast thines doing-ith?!" said a loud jarring voice from further ahead on their path.
"Quick, hide it!" said Merry. "She'll know we killed it!"
Legolas jumped into the underbrush, Aragorn threw a rock at Boromir, Gandalf created a campfire, Frodo sat down and looked burdened (in actuality the real One Ring had been destroyed long ago. Frodo was merely carrying around a plastic substitute), and Gimli moved Pippin away from the fire. Merry and Sam kicked the pink cell phone out of sight under Bill the Pony, and Boromir stopped mid-sentence in "Never was there a story of such woe, as Boromir, and the-the- What rhymes with 'woe'?".
"What be'ast thine intentions, hot sirs? I mean, good-eth sirs?" said Saruliel, coming forward.
A peculiar shaking sound came from the shrubbery. Like a certain Elf shivering in horror.
"Setting up camp, O wise, fair, and obtuse Saruliel." announced Gimli.
"Now lookie here, Geemi-Weenie! I am *not* fat, and I am not a triangle!" fumed Saruliel, rounding upon Gimli like an insane gorilla.
"Did she just call him Geemi-Weenie?" whispered Merry.
"Sure did. Let's add it to the list." Pippin said, pulling out their list of Obscene Nicknames Given to Undesirable Characters. He penned "Geemi- Weenie" underneath "Oldie Pants", a phrase used on Gandalf that had resulted in a smoking pile of Mary Sue Ash.
Unfortunately, it was then that Saruliel spotted her cell phone. "Where did you- err, 'Where didst thines find-eth mine cell-st phone-ith?"
"Cell phone?" asked Aragorn.
Sam, however, had followed her gaze and saw the pink device standing out on the ground under Bill's stomach. "We killed it," he admitted guiltily. Just because Saruliel was a Sue didn't mean that Sam had lost his conscience.
"You what-ith?"
"No! She's seen it!" cried Pippin, launching himself between Saruliel and Bill.
Anyone who has ever been a small four-legged domestic beast of burden (Gee, that's a lot of you.) will understand why Bill panicked at the sight of Pippin dive-tackling him.
The sound effects for the following events went something like this:
"NEEEEIIGGHHH!!"
"Fwump!"
"Clippity, clippity, clippity!"
"CRUNCH."
"My cell phone!! You [expletive] pony!"