Saruliel was angry. And when Saruliel was angry, the Fellowship knew well
enough to stay away from her. Thus the Canon band was about twenty paces
behind the Sue, enjoying the solitude and wondering what they should do
with all their free time.
They were in agreement over one point, however; Saruliel's presence destroyed Canon. The Fellowship *would* take it easy this time, as they had already done their parts correctly many times before in fanfiction land. Boromir had already suggested that they pick up a couple orc carcasses in Moria and stage their own puppet shows in Lothlorien. Pippin had called dibs on the part of Saruliel.
And Saruliel? Saruliel did not mind at the moment, her thoughts being elsewhere. Bill the pony had stepped on her cell phone, mashing it into millions of little computery bits, Sam had bitten her leg for swearing at Bill (sharp little Hobbit teeth, too. She was going to have marks), and Legolas had fallen out of his tree laughing. And then of course he had panicked and refused to let go of a large pine tree for several hours.
The Mary Sue crashed through the underbrush, ignoring the flocks of ominous birdies circling overhead. They were approaching the foot of Caradhras, and Saruliel wanted to show how she could walk on snow. That would be impressive, and, as Legolas could do it as well, they could both find a snug little grotto and wait for the rest of the Fellowship, and maybe...
"Crebain!" went up the shout from behind her. The Fellowship seemed to put more emphasis on the "ominous birdies" than Saruliel did.
Saruliel turned in mid-stride, falling gracefully on her rear. "What be'ast thine troublings with the delightfullness of the creatures of the forest-eth?"
The Fellowship caught up with Saruliel, who was, in the true fashion of her kind, wearing a bright red dress to clash with her orangey hair. The crebain would be able to see her for miles around, and as the Fellowship didn't want Saruman to send wargs or wainriders after them, they found it in their best interests to take cover. And this meant Saruliel, too.
"Come on, Sue- Saruliel!" said Aragorn, grabbing her hair and pulling her under the cover of the trees. This was not a very wise move on Aragorn's part, as most people know that the most valued feature of the Sue is her hair.
"AIIEEEE!!" screeched Saruliel. "That's my HAIR! That HURTS!" she screamed.
Above them, the crebain swerved and made for the anguished screams of a Mary Sue in full hair-protection mode.
Aragorn quickly let go, and dived under an overhang with the rest of the Fellowship. In his hand he held a hefty chunk of the Sue's orangey tresses.
"Here you go, Gimli," whispered Aragorn, handing over the clump of hair. "For your collection."
Sam pulled out his trusty "Yahtzee" scorecard and made a tick mark under the "sixes" box. This space was reserved for Gimli and Legolas' hair collection count. Whenever they had a bit of a break, the Elf and the Dwarf would weave the hair they had collected into a sort of blanket-sash. In actuality, it did resemble a Girl Scout sash, and the different hairs *were* a bit like merit badges.
Like many things the Fellowship did because of the Sues, this action served no purpose what so ever. However, it did help to pass time. Kind of like a memory book, where the Fellowship could sit around and point to a swatch, saying, "I remember her! She tried to feel up Merry in Moria that one time, and got Gimli by accident!" and "Didn't Pippin set her skirt on fire when we were in Lothlorien?" Also, The Amazing Technicolor Hair Sash was interesting to look at, as the "midnight silver" bits looked strange next to the "raven black", which looked even weirder next to the "shades of golden sunlight bronze".
Saruliel, meanwhile, was being attacked by the crebain. Yet in the true fashion of the Mary Sue, Saruliel loved all woodland creatures, even great evil birds that were intent on pecking her eyes out. Gandalf had dissolved into hysterics, watching Saruliel try to sing and "tame the wild birdies" with her voice while attempting to keep them out of her hair.
"Maybe we should give her some assistance?" asked Frodo, wiping tears out of his eyes as Saruliel began to do something that resembled Tai Chi to ward off the crebain.
"Oy, Saruliel!" called Merry. "Use your 'Magic Spellings'!"
There was a noticeable freeze-frame, as if the author had paused and remembered something suddenly. Then Saruliel grew tall, and white/blue/silver light poured from behind her. "Abero lala wyneth niro tiyama sukko!" said the Sue in a commanding tone. Electric pulses shot out of her body and electrocuted every single crebain in a two-mile radius.
"My Spellings doth show of my-eth great-eth teachings," said Saruliel, as her hair flew magically into place. ("How does she do that with her hair?" whispered Sam to Frodo. "Dark magic, I think." said Frodo.)
There was an awkward pause as Saruliel looked around, expecting praise. Legolas quickly dodged behind Gandalf and tried look inconspicuous. Aragorn was trying to work out what exactly Saruliel had said, as it certainly wasn't Sindarin or Quenya.
Silence.
"Well..." said Boromir, rubbing his hands together and looking for something to say. Suddenly, a portal-type thing shimmered to life in front of them. "Oh, look! A plothole! Let's go to Caradhras." he paused, as the rest of the Fellowship and Saruliel looked over at the shimmering silver gate. "Oh, and we can take some of these crebain for provisions, maybe?"
Gandalf furrowed his brow. "I don't think you can eat... oh..." Boromir had jerked his head to indicate Saruliel, who didn't quite catch what had happened.
Merry and Pippin had caught on, however. They each took two of the bird bodies and stepped through the silver gate, waving happily to the Mary Sue. Gimli snorted and jumped through after them. Sam and Frodo urged Bill forward towards the gate, followed by Gandalf, then Boromir. In between that, Legolas had used his elven skills to slip through unnoticed. Finally, it was only Aragorn and Saruliel.
"Go through the gate," said Aragorn. "It will save time."
"I be'ast verily wary about-eth such devious creatures which nay cometh upon my-eth silvering bountifulness of such summering to the autumn and winterness of-"
Aragorn was too fed up with the Sue to try to decipher what she had said, so he simply picked up Saruliel and tossed her through the shimmering plothole. With one last check to see if they had forgotten anything, Aragorn smiled and took a running jump at the quickly vanishing gate.
He landed, as Boromir had predicted, at the foot of Caradhras. Gandalf, Frodo, and Boromir were conferring off to the side, as Merry and Pippin gathered up some firewood for a barbecue. Sam was plucking the crebain, and sitting directly in front of Saruliel so that she could be grossed out by the food preparation. Aragorn walked over to Gandalf and Frodo, and realized why they were standing in so close a circle. Legolas was trying to hide again.
"What shall we do now? I personally don't want to go up Caradhras with her." said Frodo, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at Saruliel, who had turned an excellent shade of green as Sam began to disembowel the crebain.
"Why not push her off the mountain?" commented Boromir, grinning as Gimli gave Saruliel an extremely detailed explanation of what Sam was doing.
"We never actually make it over the mountain, why not stay here and send her up to 'check the conditions' for us? She'll have to come back down anyway," reasoned Aragorn.
"We might be able to slip off while she's up there," added Boromir.
"No, I do not think it would be prudent to run off. With our luck and all the Laws of Irony set down by Manwe, Saruliel would make it over Caradhras and end up in Rohan. She would probably commence with stalking Eomer." mused Gandalf. The rest of the group nodded. Legolas shivered.
"Who's Eomer? Have I met him?" asked Frodo.
"We told you about Eomer, he was..." Aragorn trailed off with a description of Eomer for Frodo, who nodded and said: "Oh, yes! The one with the sister! I remember."
"We can still send her up alone, though," said Aragorn. "I will tell her now."
Legolas shifted speedily as Aragorn left a hole in his protective shielding of Fellowship. Frodo had suffered from his quest, but Legolas had become downright paranoid. This was evident in Legolas latest obsession: needlepoint. Somehow the sewing calmed his badly shaken nerves, and helped him temporarily forget all those Mary Sues that he had been subjected to.
He had therefore stitched a personalized handkerchief for everyone in the Fellowship. Frodo's read "Frodo Baggins, Ringbearer and Hobbit, Mary Sues are Evil, I tell you, EVIL."
About eight minutes later, Aragorn returned to the circle, grinning slightly. "She's going to leave right now. See for yourself, Legolas." he added kindly.
Legolas straightened from his crouched position on the ground and peeked over Gandalf and Boromir's shoulders.
It was, in a most unfortunate coincidence, that at that time Saruliel chose to look back at her "Hottest upon hot companions fair-eth". Oops, she meant: "Greatest upon good-eth noble-eth companions fair-eth" and saw the upper half of Legolas' head looking at her from over the Old One and the One Who's Going to Kick the Bucket's shoulders. She blew him a kiss.
Legolas' eyes widened, and he froze. He could see the foul kiss of the Sue gliding towards him on the breath of Saruliel...
"Ai, Ai!!" cried Legolas, as the airborne kiss slammed into his cheek.
And then the Elf Prince of Mirkwood passed out.
They were in agreement over one point, however; Saruliel's presence destroyed Canon. The Fellowship *would* take it easy this time, as they had already done their parts correctly many times before in fanfiction land. Boromir had already suggested that they pick up a couple orc carcasses in Moria and stage their own puppet shows in Lothlorien. Pippin had called dibs on the part of Saruliel.
And Saruliel? Saruliel did not mind at the moment, her thoughts being elsewhere. Bill the pony had stepped on her cell phone, mashing it into millions of little computery bits, Sam had bitten her leg for swearing at Bill (sharp little Hobbit teeth, too. She was going to have marks), and Legolas had fallen out of his tree laughing. And then of course he had panicked and refused to let go of a large pine tree for several hours.
The Mary Sue crashed through the underbrush, ignoring the flocks of ominous birdies circling overhead. They were approaching the foot of Caradhras, and Saruliel wanted to show how she could walk on snow. That would be impressive, and, as Legolas could do it as well, they could both find a snug little grotto and wait for the rest of the Fellowship, and maybe...
"Crebain!" went up the shout from behind her. The Fellowship seemed to put more emphasis on the "ominous birdies" than Saruliel did.
Saruliel turned in mid-stride, falling gracefully on her rear. "What be'ast thine troublings with the delightfullness of the creatures of the forest-eth?"
The Fellowship caught up with Saruliel, who was, in the true fashion of her kind, wearing a bright red dress to clash with her orangey hair. The crebain would be able to see her for miles around, and as the Fellowship didn't want Saruman to send wargs or wainriders after them, they found it in their best interests to take cover. And this meant Saruliel, too.
"Come on, Sue- Saruliel!" said Aragorn, grabbing her hair and pulling her under the cover of the trees. This was not a very wise move on Aragorn's part, as most people know that the most valued feature of the Sue is her hair.
"AIIEEEE!!" screeched Saruliel. "That's my HAIR! That HURTS!" she screamed.
Above them, the crebain swerved and made for the anguished screams of a Mary Sue in full hair-protection mode.
Aragorn quickly let go, and dived under an overhang with the rest of the Fellowship. In his hand he held a hefty chunk of the Sue's orangey tresses.
"Here you go, Gimli," whispered Aragorn, handing over the clump of hair. "For your collection."
Sam pulled out his trusty "Yahtzee" scorecard and made a tick mark under the "sixes" box. This space was reserved for Gimli and Legolas' hair collection count. Whenever they had a bit of a break, the Elf and the Dwarf would weave the hair they had collected into a sort of blanket-sash. In actuality, it did resemble a Girl Scout sash, and the different hairs *were* a bit like merit badges.
Like many things the Fellowship did because of the Sues, this action served no purpose what so ever. However, it did help to pass time. Kind of like a memory book, where the Fellowship could sit around and point to a swatch, saying, "I remember her! She tried to feel up Merry in Moria that one time, and got Gimli by accident!" and "Didn't Pippin set her skirt on fire when we were in Lothlorien?" Also, The Amazing Technicolor Hair Sash was interesting to look at, as the "midnight silver" bits looked strange next to the "raven black", which looked even weirder next to the "shades of golden sunlight bronze".
Saruliel, meanwhile, was being attacked by the crebain. Yet in the true fashion of the Mary Sue, Saruliel loved all woodland creatures, even great evil birds that were intent on pecking her eyes out. Gandalf had dissolved into hysterics, watching Saruliel try to sing and "tame the wild birdies" with her voice while attempting to keep them out of her hair.
"Maybe we should give her some assistance?" asked Frodo, wiping tears out of his eyes as Saruliel began to do something that resembled Tai Chi to ward off the crebain.
"Oy, Saruliel!" called Merry. "Use your 'Magic Spellings'!"
There was a noticeable freeze-frame, as if the author had paused and remembered something suddenly. Then Saruliel grew tall, and white/blue/silver light poured from behind her. "Abero lala wyneth niro tiyama sukko!" said the Sue in a commanding tone. Electric pulses shot out of her body and electrocuted every single crebain in a two-mile radius.
"My Spellings doth show of my-eth great-eth teachings," said Saruliel, as her hair flew magically into place. ("How does she do that with her hair?" whispered Sam to Frodo. "Dark magic, I think." said Frodo.)
There was an awkward pause as Saruliel looked around, expecting praise. Legolas quickly dodged behind Gandalf and tried look inconspicuous. Aragorn was trying to work out what exactly Saruliel had said, as it certainly wasn't Sindarin or Quenya.
Silence.
"Well..." said Boromir, rubbing his hands together and looking for something to say. Suddenly, a portal-type thing shimmered to life in front of them. "Oh, look! A plothole! Let's go to Caradhras." he paused, as the rest of the Fellowship and Saruliel looked over at the shimmering silver gate. "Oh, and we can take some of these crebain for provisions, maybe?"
Gandalf furrowed his brow. "I don't think you can eat... oh..." Boromir had jerked his head to indicate Saruliel, who didn't quite catch what had happened.
Merry and Pippin had caught on, however. They each took two of the bird bodies and stepped through the silver gate, waving happily to the Mary Sue. Gimli snorted and jumped through after them. Sam and Frodo urged Bill forward towards the gate, followed by Gandalf, then Boromir. In between that, Legolas had used his elven skills to slip through unnoticed. Finally, it was only Aragorn and Saruliel.
"Go through the gate," said Aragorn. "It will save time."
"I be'ast verily wary about-eth such devious creatures which nay cometh upon my-eth silvering bountifulness of such summering to the autumn and winterness of-"
Aragorn was too fed up with the Sue to try to decipher what she had said, so he simply picked up Saruliel and tossed her through the shimmering plothole. With one last check to see if they had forgotten anything, Aragorn smiled and took a running jump at the quickly vanishing gate.
He landed, as Boromir had predicted, at the foot of Caradhras. Gandalf, Frodo, and Boromir were conferring off to the side, as Merry and Pippin gathered up some firewood for a barbecue. Sam was plucking the crebain, and sitting directly in front of Saruliel so that she could be grossed out by the food preparation. Aragorn walked over to Gandalf and Frodo, and realized why they were standing in so close a circle. Legolas was trying to hide again.
"What shall we do now? I personally don't want to go up Caradhras with her." said Frodo, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at Saruliel, who had turned an excellent shade of green as Sam began to disembowel the crebain.
"Why not push her off the mountain?" commented Boromir, grinning as Gimli gave Saruliel an extremely detailed explanation of what Sam was doing.
"We never actually make it over the mountain, why not stay here and send her up to 'check the conditions' for us? She'll have to come back down anyway," reasoned Aragorn.
"We might be able to slip off while she's up there," added Boromir.
"No, I do not think it would be prudent to run off. With our luck and all the Laws of Irony set down by Manwe, Saruliel would make it over Caradhras and end up in Rohan. She would probably commence with stalking Eomer." mused Gandalf. The rest of the group nodded. Legolas shivered.
"Who's Eomer? Have I met him?" asked Frodo.
"We told you about Eomer, he was..." Aragorn trailed off with a description of Eomer for Frodo, who nodded and said: "Oh, yes! The one with the sister! I remember."
"We can still send her up alone, though," said Aragorn. "I will tell her now."
Legolas shifted speedily as Aragorn left a hole in his protective shielding of Fellowship. Frodo had suffered from his quest, but Legolas had become downright paranoid. This was evident in Legolas latest obsession: needlepoint. Somehow the sewing calmed his badly shaken nerves, and helped him temporarily forget all those Mary Sues that he had been subjected to.
He had therefore stitched a personalized handkerchief for everyone in the Fellowship. Frodo's read "Frodo Baggins, Ringbearer and Hobbit, Mary Sues are Evil, I tell you, EVIL."
About eight minutes later, Aragorn returned to the circle, grinning slightly. "She's going to leave right now. See for yourself, Legolas." he added kindly.
Legolas straightened from his crouched position on the ground and peeked over Gandalf and Boromir's shoulders.
It was, in a most unfortunate coincidence, that at that time Saruliel chose to look back at her "Hottest upon hot companions fair-eth". Oops, she meant: "Greatest upon good-eth noble-eth companions fair-eth" and saw the upper half of Legolas' head looking at her from over the Old One and the One Who's Going to Kick the Bucket's shoulders. She blew him a kiss.
Legolas' eyes widened, and he froze. He could see the foul kiss of the Sue gliding towards him on the breath of Saruliel...
"Ai, Ai!!" cried Legolas, as the airborne kiss slammed into his cheek.
And then the Elf Prince of Mirkwood passed out.