Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, a hot new director takes over the HP series and adds his own special twist.
Disclaimer: You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? Stephen Spielberg is kewl.
Chapter Seventeen: Stephen Spielberg's Version of HP
"Hello Haley"
"Hello Stephen!"
"I just wanted to ring to wish you a happy birthday"
"Thanks Stephen."
"Anytime Haley"
"Yep."
"Oh, by the way- I'm making this movie called Harry Potter. I'll be combining books 2, 4 and 7 and I want yyyyyyyyyou to be Harry Potter! Also to do the soundtrack."
"Oh gee whiz Stephen, what a great 7th birthday gift! Of course I will be in your movie... I'm
always in your movies...."
AND THEN...
Haley/Harry dragged Cedric's corpse- I mean body (he's still alive... not for long!) and made
them both touch the Tri-Wizard Tournament cup, and suddenly what felt like a huge meteor
crashing into the American Sea while Elijah and friends fled for safety, Seamus jingled.
"Oh no its Voldemort! Watch out Cedric!" Chow changed, throwing herself on top of Cedric.
But it was too late because Cedric had been Avada Kedavred!
"Oh no Haley/Harry, we can't get onto the Platform so we'll have to take the flying car to
Hogwarts!" Ron poored. Haley/Harry didn't want to go with Ron, so he rode in on his very
own Raptorsaurus which had escaped from a fun park. While flying into the Twin Towers,
Haley/Harry overtook Penelope Pitstop in the Wacky Race because he was going to miss the
season finale of E.R!
"So, did Snape give you a tongue-lashing?" Hermione screeched as she helped Haley/Harry
and Draco defeat Voldemort.
"He's too young for this. We're all too bloody young." George sighed as he saw Harry's body
collapse on the ground in a crumpled heap, while Voldemort evilly laughed.
"What's ron Draco?" Dean Thomas shivered.
"Ow, my scar... it burns..." Draco clutched his forehead in pain.
Meanwhile in the Room of Secrets, Ginny was lying unconscious on the floor clutching a Diary
which looked a little TOO nice, if you ask me. Haley/Harry got there just in time to see Tom
Riddle standing over Ginny's body.
"Quick Tom Riddle, help me get Ginny out of here before Voldie comes!" Merlin's Beard! Was
that Professor Lockhart getting away with the Tri-Wizard Cup? Well Dumbledore was at the
ready in the Owlery.
"Ready... set... go!" Dumble wheezed, as all the owls took off at exactly the same time,
arriving as the students were half-way through breakfast.
"Look everyone! It's Casper the Friendly Ghost!" A crappy Slytherin baroned. Casper was the
Snakerin House Ghost. He was Friendly.
Suddenly, at the Birdclaw table Neville was trying to crack a joke... or Susan's bone.
"I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!" Brad Watson, the captain of the
football team, yankeed.
"Merlin's Beard! Oh Gods, I forgot to try out for the cheerleading squad!" Hermione
remembralled, talking to Britney Turner who was also in the Liondor house and American!
Woo! Seamus was feeling left out (audience 'aw's in unison) because he was the only
multi-cultural student left. Everyone at Hogwarts was suddenly American!
"Oh no, we have Cocktail Making with Snakerin!" Sybil Trelawney said with her inner eye.
"Cut!" Stephen Spielberg, the man himself... the man of the hour said.
"Hmm... difficult..." George thought.
"VERY difficult..." Oliver Phelps sort of thought.
It was a dark and stormy night when the class finally made their way to Jurassic Park- I
mean, Cocktail Making. Their teacher, Agent Kay, had already set an assignment, so before
they could even sit down they were trying to turn a Gremlin into a friendly ghost. Ron
sauntered out of the storeroom.
"What an earth were you doing in the storeroom?" Peter Pettigrew grew petty peter
grew.
"I was at the Quidditch world cup with my best friend Haley/Harry and my kewl family!" Ron
was poorer than usual today, which is probably why he was in the storeroom, looking for
supplies for his latest scheme to kill Draco.
"No dear boy... I tried to kill you!!!!" Quirrel blended because he wasn't in this movie.
"1 point to Ravenclaw!" Agent Jay awarded Birdclaw with a point. Mitch left the room.
Dawson was hanging in the window so he was not caught peeping. He climbed back and
heard Mitch eating his pancakes like a hungry bull.
*cue Haley singing the theme song*
E.T...
Jaws ate meee.
A twister is coming,
Saving Private Ryan is gunning.
Freaka-who? Freaka-me!
My nigger under water- SeaQuest DSV.
Steo is the greatest
Movie maker there can be!
All together now!
(Chorus)
And its a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!
Its a wonderful place for you and for meeeee
Magical Movie Maker.........
STEPHEN!
*end theme song*
"You're sitting next to a pile of dirt Haley/Harry... did you know? Right there." Hermione
pointed to a certain Weasley brother... no not Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, Sirius or Bill. Yes,
the poor one. Haley/Harry suddenly realized that he loved Hermione so they got
married.
But not before Rita Sweeter scooped a hot new band! The Country Bears! Everyron loved the
Country Bears.
"We're going back to the future to stop Voldemort!" Michael J foxed.
"Great man, Stephen Spielberg, great man." Dawson cried, making facials- part one and two.
Little did they know that Draco was using Artificial Intelligence to make contact with an
Extra Terrestrial who goes by the name E.T. Ron couldn't believe how tight Haley/Harry's abs
were. Molly had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with Seamus.
Meanwhile, Dean Thomas was burrowing around in the Badgerpuff closet, talking to his new
pet shark Jaws.
'The boy who lived is a Head Boy, Prefect, Quidditch Captain, Tri-Wizard Tournament
Champion AND an Auror! Soon to be the Minister of Magic!' The Daily Prophet Headline said
that morning, as Hagrid was enjoying his Tea and Rock Cakes.
'Yerr that reminds me. I have to send a note to the son of James Potter and invite him over
for Tea and Rock Cakes....' Hagrid thought to himself. You see, that's all Hagrid was allowed
to eat after being expelled from Hogwarts 47 years ago.
"Look Hagrid, I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything..." Ron had tried this line with
Harry and it hadn't worked, so he hoped the abnormally sized keeper of keys and grounds at
Hogwarts would return his offer of friendship.
"Yerr.... look it says here that Haley/Harry and Draco had to become friends to defeat
Voldemort, which they succeeded in doing!" Hagrid changed the subject. He was in no fit state
to entertain today.
"We know about the Sorcerers Stone!" the famous trio said in unison.
Back in the school hall, this years Quidditch team had just been announced and Drakkie was
seeker! And the cup of fire spat out a piece of paper with Haley/Harry's name on it, meaning
he was to compete in this year's tournament. Ron went as red as the color red and didn't
believe Haley/Harry, who said he never put his name in the cup of fire.
Krum. Drummed his drum.
Meanwhile, back at the Malfoy Manor a.k.a Voldie's Lair...
"Join me son!" Lucius darth vadered.
"Never! I want to spread peace, love and flowers to the world! Me and my lion- we'll destroy
Voldie together!" Draco finally stood up for himself. Lucius and Voldemort looked furious. How
could Snape possibly know about the room of secrets and their plans to ruin the Yule Ball?
Suddenly, in the rest of the world which Voldemort had just taken over and unleashed all his
pet dinosaurs and aliens, the non-evil Hogwarts staff had taken refuge underwater with a
talking dolphin and a Jonathan Brandis named abur-abur-abur-Billy Boy.
"Don't drink and drive, Dawson!!!" Mitch- or was it Adam?- warned his son.
Harry decided to change his name to Haley since they were both so similar and both such
great heroes. He also decided to take his fathers last name 'Joel Osment'.
Draco came into class late.
"Why are you late Draco?" Arabella Figg, the new DADA teacher asked. Draco sat down next
to Harry and whispered into his ear.
"Harry," Draco whispered, "I've just been raped by Sirius..." But before Haley could be eaten
by Aragog in the forest, someone spilled water on a trough filled with gremlins and they all
turned gross and evil.
In the end, Harry finally finds out that Haley is a part of him and will ALWAYS be a part of
him.... always....
"I see dead people."
*cue choir*
Stephen! Spielberg! Stephen! Spielberg!
Stephen! Spielberg! Stephen! Spielberg!
Stephen! Spielberg! Stephen! Spielberg!
(whispering and clicking, getting louder and louder)
*cue Haley singing the theme song*
Dawson...
An American Tail was awesome.
Here comes the Men in Black,
Spiders in a sack.
Steo is the greatest
Movie maker there can be!
All together now!
And it's a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!
It's a wonderful place for you and for meeeee
Magical Movie Maker.........
And it's a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!
It's a wonderful place for you and for meeeee
Magical Movie Maker.........
And it's a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!
It's a wonderful place for you and for meeeee
Magical Movie Maker.........
STEPHEN!
(theme song dancers all pose at the end, holding up cards that spell his name)
*end theme song*
A.N: And so ends an incredibly exhausting chapter of Pump the Breaks. Magical movie maker... Review! Review! Review!