When Love Dies
Chapter One
Okay, contrary to anything else I've ever written, this is a Ross and Rachel story, NOT Chandler and Monica. But they are in it a little bit. =) This follows the timeline of the show, only Rachel was never pregnant. Everything else happened the way it did on the show. I've had this written for months now, but I thought I might get some inspiration to finish it if I posted and got some reviews. ;) Hint, hint…
R&R fans – I'm not one, so be warned! (But I am starting to come to terms with what is bound to happen and am starting to look forward to it a little bit…)
The song "When Love Dies" is sung by John Berry, and I WILL use the whole song in upcoming chapters.
Oh, yeah – don't own 'em. On with the show.
He saw her as soon as he stepped off the plane - craning her neck, trying to find him in the crowd of passengers entering the terminal. She still looked the same – young, beautiful, happy – even though it had been almost three years since he had seen her last, and her life had changed drastically since the day he had left New York.
His gaze shifted to the man standing beside her - his best friend. He, too, looked exactly the same. Looking at the two of them, he could almost believe that nothing had changed. Maybe he had never left, and maybe when he saw the others they would look the same, and he would feel the same, and things could be like they used to be. Was it wrong for him to hope for that?
She saw him. Their eyes met across the room where people were greeting each other – some for the first time in years, others only in hours. She grabbed her husband's arm and pointed, already flying toward him, a big smile on her face. In just seconds, he was being joyfully greeted and hugged by both of them simultaneously.
He hadn't realized how much he missed them.
When they let him breathe again, he glanced around them, then back at her sparkling blue eyes.
"You didn't bring Caleb?"
She shook her head apologetically.
"He was sleeping, so we left him with Phoebe. We didn't know how long we'd be waiting for you to land…and an airport's just no place for a toddler. Besides, Egypt to New York? There were bound to be delays."
He nodded in understanding, though he was disappointed. He was looking forward to meeting the little boy in the pictures Monica e-mailed him regularly…who had Monica's eyes and Chandler's smile and had already been walking and talking for months. A child he had never even seen except in pictures. His nephew. He had hoped Monica and Chandler would bring him with them to the airport, but he understood their decision. And the others…well, Monica had just explained Phoebe's absence, and he knew that Joey was still somewhere in California finishing up his latest taping cycle. Rachel…well, he hadn't expected her to be here. He didn't even know if he had wanted her to be. But, it had been three years. She had moved on, that much he knew. It had been hard on her, and he knew that, too. It had been hard on all of them. But he couldn't blame her for the choice she made. He knew now that it had been the right one. He hadn't understood it then…but three years can put almost anything in perspective. Sometimes even broken hearts.
"Ross? You okay?"
Chandler's voice cut through his thoughts, and he jerked to attention, pushing the thoughts away as he smiled as his sister and brother-in-law.
"Fine. Actually, though, I'm starving. That airplane food did me in. You guys want to stop for lunch?"
Monica and Chandler nodded in agreement, and Ross threw his carry-on over his shoulder as they headed toward baggage claim. He pushed aside his uneasy thoughts and listened attentively as Monica chattered animatedly about her son, telling Ross about all of the cute and brilliant things Caleb had said and done lately – that he had missed.
"She has this speech memorized," Chandler whispered to him with a nudge and a smile. "I think she practices in the shower."
Ross smiled. He had missed this – Monica's enthusiasm and Chandler's wry sense of humor. He allowed himself a pang of guilt for staying away for so long, and wondered sadly if they really missed him as much as they said they did. He had thought on many nights that their lives probably carried on without him much as they had before. After all, Chandler and Monica had each other…Phoebe lived in her own world half of the time anyway and probably talked to him in her dreams as much as she ever had in person before he left. Joey was busy with a new romantic comedy - having found his calling – in addition to Days of Our Lives. And Rachel…well, she was probably just relieved. He knew he had been when NYU offered him the chance to go to Egypt and teach the study abroad program. He had just wanted to get away…to find something different. To let her live her life without having to worry about him. So he had gone.
And he hadn't told her he was coming back...
Ross sat in the armchair, watching them so intently that he had lost all pretense of participating in the conversation. Chandler was holding a nearly-sleeping Caleb on his lap, and Monica was sitting next to them, leaning against Chandler and looking as happy and content as he had ever seen her. They were a family now. Before, it had just been Chandler and Monica, and he knew that he – and the others too – had started to believe that it had always been Chandler and Monica, that there had never been a time when they weren't together. But now it was different. They weren't just Chandler and Monica. They were Mama and Daddy. The Bings. And whatever Chandler had been so afraid of becoming hadn't kept them from that bliss he was in the presence of at just that moment. They were a family.
He'd never had that. Not in any of his marriages. Not even with Ben. Did he dare to think he might…one day? He suddenly realized just how much he wanted this. A family. His family. He'd always wanted it, almost as much as Monica had – must be in their genes. But now, as he sat in their living room, faced with the fact of their very happiness, he knew that he would give anything to know that his chance wasn't gone forever.
It had been good to see Phoebe again, though he was disappointed that she had left shortly after they arrived, citing a massage client that had called and scheduled an "emergency" appointment. But he was staying at her place – the extra room at Monica and Chandler's now being Caleb's – so they would have plenty of time to catch up over his visit. And then there was Caleb. He was adorable – just as cute as Monica had said he was. Ross was happy that the child had appeared to have no qualms about meeting him, and willingly let Ross hug him and gush sufficiently. Chandler and Monica had been preparing him to meet his uncle – that had been obvious in the slightly confused look on Caleb's face when he questioningly addressed the dark-haired stranger as "Uncla Woss"? He had been grateful that Monica and Chandler had made sure the child at least knew his name, even if he had never before met the man who was truly – by blood – his uncle.
But Ross knew that the title itself probably didn't mean much to the eighteen-month-old. He called Joey "uncle" too. That much was a given.
And it took all of his strength not to hate Joey for taking that away from him too.
Ross glanced at his watch to divert his thoughts, and was relieved to see that in just a few minutes, Ben would be getting out of school and he could leave to keep the scheduled appointment with his son. He hadn't seen him since Ben's last visit to Egypt – almost four months ago.
He had once sworn he wouldn't move away from Ben – back when Emily wanted him to move to London to "save" the marriage he had destroyed before it even began – but it hadn't been as difficult as he thought it might be. Ben was older now than he was during the whole Emily fiasco, and Carol had been willing to let him fly over to visit every few months…And when he was truthful with himself, he hadn't spent that much time with Ben even when he still lived in New York. Still, he couldn't wait to see his son again, and that had been the final "pro" that compelled him to take this trip home.
Monica reluctantly shifted away from Chandler, and stood up to go put her sleepy son down for his afternoon nap. Ross stood up too, seeing an opportunity to slip out a few minutes earlier than planned and be alone with his thoughts – his regrets - for a few minutes. He had been running from them far too long.
"Hey…I promised Ben I'd pick him up from school today and spend the afternoon with him, so…I think I'm going to go ahead and head out…"
Monica turned to look at him, Caleb asleep in her arms. She nodded solemnly, her gaze questioning him. He gave her a half smile and grabbed his jacket.
"I'll be back later to get my stuff and take it over to Phoebe's?"
"You want to have dinner with us?" Monica asked him softly, her voice telling him she already knew what his answer was going to be. They really knew each other far better than a brother and sister should.
"No. I don't want to impose. I thought I'd take Ben out somewhere anyway."
"Okay." Monica impulsively crossed the room and hugged him tightly, careful not to crush Caleb between them. "I'm glad you're home, big brother. We really missed you."
Ross hugged her back, swallowing away an inquiry as to just who the "we" she mentioned was. He paused long enough to kiss Caleb on the top of his head, remembering a precious little boy he had held in his arms all those years ago – a child with blonde hair and blue eyes who had been born into one of the most awkward family situations imaginable. Ben was no longer that little boy, and Ross felt a wave of regret that he hadn't spent more time with him when he was little – and that he lived an ocean away from his son now. Did Ben have a reason to envy his cousin, because Caleb had two parents who were together and in love? Did it matter? Did Ben even care? Should he?
He didn't know. Ben had never cared about Carol and Susan when he was younger, but he was getting older now. He would be in high school in a few years, and the matter-of-fact way he handled his odd parentage might not fly then. Ross couldn't help feeling like Ben had been cheated.
Maybe they both had.
Chandler stood up as Ross reached for the door and walked over, stopping to kiss Monica briefly and carefully run his hand over the top of Caleb's head.
"I'm gonna walk out with Ross, okay? I'll be right back."
Monica just nodded and headed for the bedroom with Caleb as Chandler followed Ross out into the hallway, both of them casting an apprehensive glance at the door across the hall. Neither said a word until they were standing on the sidewalk outside the building, when Chandler laid a hand on Ross's arm to stop him, and spoke softly.
"She'll want to see you, Ross. She felt so bad after you left… I can't tell you what to do, because I'm not in your position, and I admit that I'm glad I never will be. But…just think about it. You'll be thousands of miles away again soon enough, and…maybe it would be good for both of you."
Ross just nodded, hoping Chandler would leave it at that. Of course he had thought about it, but he hadn't decided yet. And the strange thing was, his reasons for not wanting to see her were not the reasons they all thought they were. It wasn't because he still loved her. He didn't. He hadn't. Not for a long time. It was just…
He couldn't help feeling sad, even now. When he left New York, it wasn't without some anger, some bitterness…some questions about why it had ended up like this. But he had been gone for a long time, and now he suddenly realized that he wasn't angry anymore. He wasn't even heartbroken - contrary, he knew, to what all of their friends thought.
He was just sad.
She was married, happy, in love. And it wasn't with him.
Ross walked slowly down the street toward Chandler and Monica's, thinking about the day. He'd missed New York. There were so many things that were unique only to this city…the atmosphere, the culture, the big-city hustle and bustle that he had grown up with and always taken for granted when he wasn't slightly annoyed with it all.
And there was his family. Ben, Monica, his parents, Chandler, Caleb…even Carol and Susan. And after spending the afternoon with a ten-year-old that was growing up without a father, Ross realized just how selfish he had been. Maybe he could still make up for that. Maybe he couldn't. Maybe what's done is done and can't be changed. But maybe there are second chances for everyone.
Ross sighed, wondering how he had arrived at this point in his life. Ten years ago, he thought he had it all – a PhD, a good, well-paying job in a museum, a beautiful wife, great friends, a good relationship with his family…even a nice apartment. Too bad the beautiful wife decided that she'd rather love another woman… Maybe he could blame everything on Carol. After all, that was the beginning of all this, wasn't it? The day he walked into Central Perk all depressed because she had moved out?
It was the same day, he remembered - just a few minutes later - when Rachel Green walked back into his life. Complete with a soaking wet wedding dress and veil.
How ironic.
Ross lifted his eyes up to the sky. In any other place in the world, you might see stars above you when you looked up. Not here. Here, the only place you could see stars was at a planetarium.
More memories. More regrets?
He sighed again as he shifted his eyes back to the sidewalk in front of him and immediately froze. His only instinct was to turn his back and try to avoid being seen, but just as he started to spin on one heel, her eyes met his. He stared at her, and she stared back, neither sure what the next move should be. Unable to turn away now, Ross managed a tiny smile and lifted his hand in a resigned greeting.
Rachel's eyes widened, her expression a mixture of shock and sadness.
And then, she smiled back and started to walk toward him.
When I saw you on the street
I almost turned away
And then you stared in disbelief
Because I smiled and waved…
Oh, the years have turned my bitterness
Into a sad regret.
And it's good to finally talk to you
And lay our past to rest…
"Monica told me you were coming," Rachel stated quietly when she reached him, her eyes on his face. "I know you asked her not to, but she thought…well, just in case something like this happened."
"I didn't tell her not to. I just…I wasn't sure…"
"That I'd want to see you? Of course I would. I miss you, Ross. Just as much as the rest of them do."
He accepted this with a nod, looking at the ground to avoid her eyes. Rachel shifted uncomfortably, feeling the tension, though she wasn't sure why it was there. She had never understood why Ross left, not really. The others tossed around their own theories, and the general consensus was that he must have still been in love with her. But Rachel had found that hard to believe. Not after all the years they had been apart – and everything that had happened. Deep down, she knew that there would always be a special place for him in her heart – and for her in his – but she had watched Ross fall out of love with her, just as she had with him. "How long are you staying?"
Ross shrugged, forcing himself to look up and into her eyes. There, that wasn't so hard. Just talk to her, Ross. She's supposed to be your friend.
"Um, the plan was for a month. But…I'm not sure. I might leave in a couple of days. I might stay forever."
He could tell she was surprised by his vagueness, and her expression demanded more of an explanation. He sighed and gave her a half-smile, gesturing to the sidewalk in front of them and resigning himself to the inevitable.
"Are you in a hurry? Maybe we could get a cup of coffee…"
Rachel smiled, a look of relief passing over her face.
"No, I'm not in a hurry. I was just getting out of the apartment for a while."
"Central Perk, then? It's only a block away."
With another nod, Rachel fell into step beside him as they headed toward the coffee shop where the entity of "Ross and Rachel" had begun more than a decade ago, with a depressed soon-to-be-divorcee and a naïve twenty-something who had somehow found the nerve to walk out on life as she knew it.
So long ago…
TBC…