"When Love Dies" – Chapter Two

            "So…" Rachel began awkwardly as they settled down on the familiar orange couch with coffee cups in front of them.  She struggled to find a topic of conversation that would be "safe", but she really had no idea what might hit a nerve with Ross.  Luckily, inspiration came quickly, and she blurted out the question before the silence grew too heavy.

"What do you think of Caleb?"
            Ross smiled, finally relaxing a little as he happily followed Rachel's lead.   

            "He's great.  I can't believe he's so big!"

            "Yeah…" Rachel said wistfully.  "He's growing up fast.  You know Chandler and Monica are trying again?"

            Ross shook his head, his eyes shadowing as he thought about how much he was missing.  "No…I didn't know.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

            Rachel glanced at him and smiled slightly.  "I think she hopes that if they're close in age, they'll end up being friends…like the two of you."

            Ross nodded slowly, directing his gaze into his coffee cup.  Why did that make him feel guilty?  Had he let Monica down…by running away?  Had he let all of them down? 

            "How does Chandler feel about another baby?" Ross finally asked, determined to push the unpleasant thoughts aside. 

            Rachel laughed softly and shook her head.  "Monica thought she was going to have to talk him into it, but he's more excited than she is!  Hard to believe, isn't it?  Chandler Bing – all grown up."

            Chandler…all grown up.  Ross sighed inwardly, feeling another stab of regret as he digested the words.  He had always been the "grown-up" of the group – the first one married, the first one divorced – the first remarried and div- Okay, three marriages, three divorces.  He had been the first to become a parent, the one with the steady job, the PhD…a career while the rest were still searching for themselves.  And now, he was the one that was floundering, while Chandler – his formerly commitment-phobic, Peter Panish best friend – had somehow managed to become the "responsible" one.  That was hard to swallow.

            "I guess everything changes…" Ross commented softly, immediately regretting the words when he saw the flicker of distress that crossed Rachel's face.  She recovered quickly, and gave him a tiny smile.

            "I guess so.  I mean, look at you.  Running the paleontology program, living in Egypt…NOT married."

            Ross laughed abruptly, almost choking because the stilted attempt at humor was so unexpected.  When he regained his composure, he glanced at Rachel and smiled slightly.

            "So…do you think I did the right thing by going to Egypt?"

            "I can't tell you that, Ross.  That's something you have to decide for yourself."

            "I don't know.  After three years, I still don't know if it was good or bad."

            Rachel paused, watching him carefully.  She had known Ross Geller most of her life – loved him, hated him, ignored him, treasured him, supported him…and hurt him.  But never in her life had she seen him look so completely lost. 

            "Are you happy, Ross?"

            "I don't know," he answered honestly, after a long pause.  "Sometimes I think I am.  Sometimes I know I'm not.  But most of the time I'm not really sure."

            Rachel didn't tell him what she was thinking – that he looked like he had lost all faith in the world.  Instead, she reached out to touch his arm, smiling gently.

            "Maybe you don't really need whatever you think you need to be happy.  Maybe it can be a whole lot more simple than you're making it."

            Ross just shrugged.  Rachel took the hint and sat back, taking a sip of her coffee and wishing she hadn't opened her mouth.  Ross noticed her discomfort, and leaned forward, resuming their former conversation before the silence thickened. 

"You've changed too, Rachel," he told her quietly.  "I can see it in your face.  You look…content."

            As the words left his mouth, he realized they were true.  She did look content.  Happier than he had ever seen her, in spite of the awkwardness of the moment.  And as she raised her eyes to his, he felt his heart start to pound with the knowledge. 

            She was happy.  It wasn't questions about her own life that lingered in her eyes – it was concern for his.  She had already found her place in life – he could tell she had no doubt of that.  She was happy…maybe he should finally try to be happy for her.  And maybe – was it possible that she was right?  Maybe his happiness didn't lie in her hands after all. 

Cause I have changed and you have changed

And all is forgiven now.

            He could feel the lump start in his throat, and though he tried to stop them, two tears trailed down his cheeks.  He looked into Rachel's eyes and saw that her eyes were filled with tears as well.  He wondered if she knew what he was thinking, and felt oddly confident that she knew his every thought.  Wordlessly, she reached over to hug him, and he leaned into her arms, feeling a strange comfort wash over him as he admitted to himself that she had no regrets.  He was sad, yes – maybe he always would be - but he was also relieved.  He knew it was time for him to let go – to let whatever was left in his heart of "Ross and Rachel" die – to just be "Ross".  He would never move on until he did.  And he was tired of living in the past.

And a long and silent last embrace

Shows our respect somehow.

It's okay to cry a little

I know where it comes from.

These tears of sadness and relief

When love dies in your arms.

            "I'm sorry I didn't come to the wedding," Ross told her quietly when he was able to speak again.  There was no point in avoiding the subject any longer.  They were both silently reciting the conversation to themselves.  He didn't want to play the games anymore, and besides – the apology was long overdue.  

            "We missed you," Rachel said simply, not even attempting to mask the hurt on her face.  Ross sighed and leaned over to rest his head in his hands.

            "I'm sorry," he repeated, his eyes on the floor.  "Believe me, Rachel, I wish I could go back.  But you should know how I felt.  You didn't want to go to London for my wedding to Emily either."

            "No…I didn't," Rachel admitted softly.  She gazed at him steadily, wishing he would look up at her.  "But this was different and you know it."

            "Yeah," Ross said, his voice slightly bitter.  "No chance that you were going to say the wrong name, was there?"

            Rachel bit her lip, looking away from him to hide her hurt expression.  "That's not fair, Ross."          

            "No, it's not," Ross whispered, instantly repentant.  "I'm sorry.  There's no excuse.  I just…it hurt too much, Rachel.  I didn't think I could stand there and watch you marry him."  It sounded trite even to him, given the circumstances.  He hadn't cared about how petty it was until now. 

            Rachel moved closer to him, leaning over to look him in the face.  "Look, Ross.  I know we caused you pain.  I know you probably had all kinds of emotions running through you when you found out…  I don't begrudge you those feelings, 'cause I felt them often enough for you.  But in the end, I always stood by you…because you were my friend.  He did too, and you know he did.  So in the end, I hoped that our friendship would be enough of a reason for you to be happy for us."

You were once my deepest pain

But you were once my friend.

            "I know it should've been, Rachel.  I know I was a selfish bastard and I guess I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life.  But I just…I always thought that one day…you and I…"

            "So did I," Rachel admitted, fiddling with the hem of her jacket.  "For a long time, so did I."

            "I should have realized it years ago," Ross said softly to himself.  "I was holding on to something that was already dead."

            Rachel glanced at him quickly, her eyes wide.  "Don't say it like that, Ross.  It makes it sound so hopeless.  Just tell yourself that we're in the past."

            Ross reached over to squeeze her hand and nodded slowly.  "I know.  Maybe I – maybe I just needed to see you again…to see for myself that you didn't have any regrets.  And you don't.  That much is obvious."

And a part of me was holding on

Till I saw you again…

"I do have regrets, Ross," Rachel whispered.  "I regret hurting you, and if I was the reason, then I regret making you go to Egypt and split up the group.  I regret the fact that on my wedding day – the happiest day of my life – I was wondering if you were going to show up rather than sharing my happiness with you.  I wish that I – and Monica and Chandler and Phoebe and Joey – hadn't had to spend the last three years missing you.  But I don't regret choosing him, Ross.  If that's what you want…I just can't."

Ross closed his eyes, letting the words wash over him.  They didn't hurt as much as he thought they would.  He opened his eyes slowly and locked his eyes with hers, suddenly ashamed. 

"No…no, that's not what I want.  I'm going to stop being selfish, Rachel.  I – I don't have any right… You belong with him.  Even I can see that.  And I – I am happy for you.  For both of you."

Rachel gave a short, slightly strangled laugh, happy tears choking her as she spoke. 

"Joey would love to hear you say that."     AN: You had to have seen that coming…

Ross stiffened involuntarily at the mention of her husband – a man he had also called his best friend until he bitterly convinced himself that Joey couldn't be both.  Then he forced himself to relax and smile, realizing once again that the pain he was expecting simply wasn't there.  Had he dreamed it into existence to begin with?  Just because she was Rachel…and he was Joey?

He didn't know.  He'd never considered the possibility until now.  Maybe he had.  Maybe he'd never know for sure.  Guilt suddenly washed over him and he stood up abruptly, already shrugging into his coat.

"I'd better go.  Phoebe's expecting me, and my stuff is still at Monica's…" 

Rachel looked up at him and nodded, then hesitantly stood up as well.  "Okay.  Will I see you tomorrow?"

            He was relieved that she hadn't offered to walk with him – which only made sense considering that she lived right across the hall from Monica and Chandler.  Maybe she wanted to be alone, too.  Whatever her reason, he was glad.  The night had already been full of emotion and he didn't want to talk about it anymore. 

            "Yeah…yeah, tomorrow.  Maybe we could all have lunch," he murmured vaguely.  He was sure Rachel was just as aware as he was that it wouldn't be "all" of them.  As far as he knew, Joey would be in L.A. for another few days at least – and Ross couldn't help but feel grateful for that.  He turned to the door, then paused and looked back at Rachel. 

            "It was good to see you, Rach.  I…I did miss you."

            "Yeah," Rachel said softly, smiling sadly.  "I missed you, too."

            Ross gave a short nod, hesitating before leaning in to quickly kiss her on the cheek.  With one last tight smile, he headed for the door, breathing a sigh of relief when he hit the cool night air.  He hoped Monica wouldn't start asking questions when he stopped by.  He wasn't sure he was up to it.

            So.  He'd made his peace with Rachel at long last.  He was surprised it had been so easy for him to – and he was surprised that Rachel had been so forgiving.  But something told him Joey would be another matter.  Ross closed his eyes as the memories washed over him.  He had been so unprepared…  But that was no excuse.  There was no excuse. 

            He'd once vowed never to forgive Joey.  Now he only hoped that Joey would forgive him. 

To Be Continued…