Ad Hominem
Chapter 7-Sapere Aude Day IV
I stumbled out of bed a little later than usual, and hurried out to my run. Saturdays were always a slow start for me. It was cloudy, but the rain miraculously held off until I managed to get back inside. I was famished, and hurried to change for breakfast.
"You beat the rain?" George asked from his bed as I entered the dorm fully dressed from the bathroom.
"Yeah, only just. You coming to breakfast? I'll wait for you." He stretched and stood up.
"Thanks. I'll try to hurry." I sat on my bed and watched him scurry about getting this and that. After about five minutes he stood still. "Ready?" He smiled at me and we walked down to breakfast.
"So Lucius looked angry you were there?"
"Totally angry. Like, hit me with his tacky cane angry." George laughed.
"Let's hope nothing more comes from this. Like Lucius trying to get us expelled. Or Malfoy telling him about you. Or himself for that matter." I nodded.
"Oh. I meant to ask you, you didn't tell anyone why you hurt Malfoy, right?"
"Nope. Not even Katie." I breathed a sigh of relief. We sat down to breakfast, and noticed that only half the teachers were there. Slept in I suppose.
"They had a meeting last night. They're probably all tired from being so old and crotchety and staying up so late." I laughed.
"Definitely makes sense. What are you going to do today?"
"I don't know. Is this a Hogsmeade weekend? It wouldn't hurt to stock up." And evil grin crossed my features.
"That would be lovely," George began, "but it's not. Next weekend I believe."
"Damn. I may just hang around the common room, maybe even try my hand at some homework, or, studying."
"Be still my heart!" We both laughed. "I think we should visit Malfoy today." His words made me stop mid-thought.
"We? I was planning on it, but don't feel you have to."
"Come on Fred. It's my fault he's in there, and as he's your friend, I should at least try to be nice to him."
"I think he'd be uncomfortable. He doesn't like you too much." I answered hesitantly.
"Okay. Maybe some other time." I eyed George suspiciously. He seemed too nice.
"I think I'll go check on him after breakfast." I puffed up, as if waiting for his attack.
"Okay." None came. What the hell? I guess he really is okay with this. Breakfast went by fast; everyone having fun with our three-day weekend. When people started to leave I told George I'd meet him in the common room later with news, and headed to the hospital wing. I was greeted by an angry Madam Pomfrey as I entered.
"Do you know how hard it is to reattach teeth?!" I heard Malfoy laugh from his bed.
"I'm sorry. It's not my fault they're not in his head though." I laughed silently and tried to back away from her rage.
"This will take another week! He was doing so well too." She shook her head and walked to her office.
"Poor thing. Probably should've left well enough alone and not told her about the teeth." I looked down at Malfoy as I spoke. "So how are you?"
"I'm getting better. I think I'll be up and about tomorrow. I've got full use of all body parts, but it still hurts to get up." He answered. "Father always said I was a fast healer. I'll be bruised and sore for weeks though."
"How did it go with your dad?" Malfoy looked up at me, deciding what to say. His eyes burned into mine, not with anger, but with pain.
"I told him. About me. He doesn't know about you, and I told him I didn't know why George did this."
"And he believed you? What did he say about you?"
"He wasn't happy of course, said he still wanted an heir. He never did have the extreme beliefs that You-Know-Who had. Thinks they're fine as long as they leave him alone. Pity, because he isn't the most masculine thing is he?" Malfoy laughed and his joke and I grinned. "He doesn't think it will last though. Thinks I'll find a nice girl that will change my mind. Guess you can't have it all, huh?"
"Draco, if you could change, and be straight, would you?" He sat and thought for a few minutes.
"No. Guys are great. The raw power, the energy, the testosterone. It's intoxicating, indescribable. I wouldn't change for the world. Girls feel unnatural to me. Two men together is much more attractive than a handsome, powerful man and a weak, simpering girl. Why, would you?"
"No, not anymore. This time last year, yes. But not now. There is some form of unbridled energy that passes between two men, and the equality and return of feelings is better. Plus, women are fucking insane. I never understood them. Guys make sense to me." I absentmindedly picked at a hole in my jeans.
"How was your run?" He asked.
"Fine, thanks. When do you think you'll be able to run again?"
"Well, I know I'll be walking tomorrow, but not without pain. I'm gonna guess a week for running, with the ribs and head and all." I sighed and nodded. "Why? You miss watching me run? Fucking stalker you are!" I laughed with him.
"You wish! You're the stalker if either of us is one." We sat happily for a few minutes. I looked around and finally looked back at him. "Have you ever...been in love?" I asked timidly.
"Love? Love?! Love is one word that will never pass my lips with any meaning behind it. You should know that."
"You think you're not capable?"
"No. I know I'm not capable, and I don't want to be so I never will be." He drawled while leaning back further.
"I think you're capable of love. I think almost everyone is. I mean, if you really aren't, that's fine; be a lonely old bachelor forever, but I believe you would like to find someone to love."
"Did anyone ever tell you you're a hopeless romantic?"
"Just once before now. I think it was my sister." I grinned devilishly. "Yeah, definitely my sister. I fed her a nosebleed nougat right after she said it." I laughed out loud. "Man we got it from mum for that. George didn't even do anything either." Malfoy looked interested.
"Do you two always get punished together?"
"Um, er, yeah, I guess. We're usually both to blame though, so it makes sense."
"Can your whole family tell you two apart?"
"Well, no, not really. I mean, I think all of them except mum." I laughed. "She never gets it right." Malfoy looked shocked.
"Your own mother can't tell you apart?" I shook my head. "You know why I care right?" I looked up at him, into those smoky eyes, and wondered where he was going with this. I sat and thought before answering.
"I just assumed you cared for the same reason I did. For the real reason." He nodded, then spoke.
"And that reason is..."
"They say that if you ask the question you already know the answer Draco." I grinned deviously at him after I spoke.
"I know the answer, and I know you know. I just want to hear you say it. You made me say I was out looking for you the other day; it's only fair Fred." I sighed and closed my eyes after he spoke.
"Because you're more than a friend to me, and I to you." I opened my eyes and was surprised to see him looking sad. "I'm sorry. Not what you were expecting right? I'll go-you must hate having me here..." I stood up to leave, but felt him holding me back.
"Sit down!" He hissed at me. "I told you to get over your insecurities. That was exactly what I knew you would say. How can you lose confidence so quickly?"
"I-I don't, I should go..."
"Why? Sit down!" I reluctantly stayed in my seat. I searched the room for something to rest my eyes on that wasn't blonde and angry. "Look at me." I slowly turned back to him, but didn't look up at him. "What the fuck?!" Before I knew it he had reached out his bruised arm, and, grabbing my chin, lifted my eyes to his.
"Draco please-"
"Face it Fred. I have. You think that was easy for me? Waking up in the hospital wing and seeing only you...and only wanting to see you...you think that I like feeling this way?"
"You can handle it better than I can though! What the hell...no. We can't do this. We can't-how can you be this nice?! How can this be real?! There is no way that you're the same person we've known for five years! I can't take this-I can't-" I ran out, and Malfoy didn't stop me.
I ran to the common room and collapsed on my bed. This can't be happening. He's too nice, he's too open, caring, sincere, I can't take this. I mean, does he really want this? This isn't possible. He's been so horrible to us. What the hell am I supposed to do? Avoid him. That's what I have to do. This can't happen. I fell asleep and woke to George shaking me.
"Fred!"
"What? What-I'm up!" George laughed at my incoherent surprise.
"Alright there Fred? How was Malfoy?"
"Unnnn..." I rolled over, away from George.
"Fred? Fred what's wrong?" He gripped my shoulders and tried to turn me towards him.
"It's Malfoy."
"What? Did he hurt you? I'll-"
"No! George!" He had gotten up, and I had to pull him back to me. "He's just too-too different than what we all thought he was. He's nice, and he cares and I can't take it George. He told me today that I'm more than a friend to him, and George, oh god George-I said it back!"
"What?! How could you-you swore he wasn't more than a friend!" Surprisingly, his rage was less than I had expected, and he didn't even leave the bed.
"I didn't think he was but, today we were talking, and the conversation just took us there. George, what am I supposed to do?" I think he realized how vulnerable I was-how much I needed him, and his expression softened.
"Fred, remember what you told me about caring for your boyfriend the way I care for Katie?" I nodded in response. "Do you think he can care for you like that? Could you care for him like that?" He put a hand on my shoulder.
"George, are you...okay with this?" I asked, puzzled.
"I...I don't know. I've been thinking about what you said the other night, and I really do need to be okay with whatever you do, and whomever you do. I guess he's not the worst choice. It could have been Crabbe or Goyle right? He's smart, many find him attractive, and he seems to care for you. There is definitely some part of me that is violently rebelling, but that's the part I'm slowly beating with a stick." I laughed at him. "My love and caring for you, and I suppose my sense of rationality is telling me that you need me to back you in this, and I want to be there for you. I can feel how painful this is for you, our connection as twins is so strong, it's starting to make my eye shine as yours when I look on Malfoy."
"What?" I looked up at him, and sat up slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I've seen the way you look at him, you do care, and you shouldn't walk away from love Fred. I can feel how much you care, it's starting to creep into my bones. That was why I was okay, when we were fighting. The way you two talk to each other, your understanding of each other, your joy at his voice, it created warmth in my chest. That was when I knew I had to let you do this."
"George...you really mean this?" I asked hesitantly.
"Wouldn't say it if I didn't Fred. Come on now. Cheer up. You should go back to the hospital wing. Did you say anything that would hurt him?" My eyes widened slightly as I recalled our conversation. My words came back to me like ghosts in the dark. 'We can't do this...how can this be real?!' Oh god.
"George! George, I told him it wasn't real! I told him...I have to go. Dammit. I don't want to be the one crawling back to him." George looked startled.
"Fred, if you wait, it may be too late. You're not crawling back to him; you're keeping love from slipping by! Besides, it's not like he can come here." He looked guilty at his last statement.
"You're right. Why the fuck should I be moping around? I'm stronger than this-he won't get to me like this again." I stood up and startled George.
"You sure you're alright Fred? Remember he's injured. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I started at him in shock, and he grinned. We broke into laughter. George really can make me laugh no matter what. He stood and I faced my mirror image. He nodded once in encouragement and I left.
Walking down the stairs, out of the common room, and towards the hospital wing required more concentration than it had ever before. That was the hardest walk I think I ever took, and it seemed a year before I reached the door. It looked different than it had before, and the dark hall looked imposing. I slowly pushed open the door.
"Come crawling back have we?" Malfoy's voice cut through the air, and ripped through my body. It didn't matter what he said, but he was back to his cold, impersonal sneer, and it hurt more than I could fathom. I stood stunned in the doorway staring at Malfoy, who was gazing at me, fists clenched, arms folded menacingly across his chest. "You should just turn right around and leave. Don't bother with me, I'm not real, and I don't have feelings like you Gryffindors do." He looked so hurt, so broken. I couldn't stand to see him like that. I finally shut the door behind me and walked to his bed. He didn't look up at me, and I sat down next to him. I said nothing. This was his time. "You think you can just waltz back in here like nothing happened; that you'll make it all better with a few choice words?! I'm real, I feel, I hurt! You fucking bastard with your holier-than-thou attitude, your years of knowledge and experience surpassing mine! Bloody-so nice to me that it's disorienting, weakening, and you used me! You took advantage of my feelings, of a fifteen-year-old! Let your fucking brother nearly kill me, then make up with him like nothing happened. Hit me with a bludger, win the game, make Harry look better than me yet again! Order me around, use your superior strength to manipulate me, and then tell me your secrets and ask for mine?!" Bloody hell. He'd been holding that in for a long time. His rage was blinding, all-consuming, and his eyes were alight with it. He leaned his head back against his pillows, and a single tear slid alluringly down his right cheek. I reviewed the things he said before I spoke, careful not to fuck it up. I couldn't lose him. I just couldn't.
"I didn't hit you with a bludger on purpose." It seemed the easiest to fix, but I knew it was the least important. I clung to it, it was something he couldn't rebel too much against. "I didn't aim, I just hit. And you're better than Harry."
"Don't patronize me! He's the best player the school has seen since your brother Charlie!" My eyes widened. I had no idea he knew about Charlie.
"I don't mean at Quidditch. First of all, Harry has a Firebolt. Second, it's not the most important thing. You're better at potions than he is. You're a better person than he is. I've seen the change in him this year, we can hardly talk to him. I'd rather spend a lifetime with you than a week with Harry." He finally looked up at me. "I know you're real, and I'm sorry I hurt you. I just didn't know what I was feeling. I was scared, scared to let this be real. I'm not afraid anymore though."
"Leave." He looked away as he spoke.
"Pardon?" I blinked in surprise.
"Leave. I wish to be alone, and as I cannot leave, you must." I stared at him, searching his eyes for his emotion. He looked like George; working things out, deciding what to do. I realized that he did just need to think about shit, and I stood. He didn't move, and I left.
Students filled the halls, the library was packed, and there was a fair number eating lunch. I joined those eating lunch. The table was only about a quarter full, and no one questioned my empty gaze. I moved slowly, enjoying my food, my simple, simple task of eating. Funny how things can be easy and hard at the same time. I sat for awhile even after I was full. I still felt empty. Like someone had gutted me. That someone would have to be Malfoy. I stood up. I have to find George. I walked back to the common room slowly, making myself think about what I was doing. I didn't realize I was angry until I pushed a suit of armor over. No teachers could come fast enough, and everyone who saw was too afraid to report me. Probably didn't even know if I was George or Fred. I reached the common room, and George's eyes flew to mine from across the room as soon as I entered. He was rested comfortably with Katie on his lap in one of our chairs. I walked towards him as he whispered something to Katie. She kissed him quickly, hopped off, and joined Angelina and Alicia at the table nearby. I fell into my chair and dropped my head in my hands. George lifted my head, and took my hands in his. He looked at me sympathetically yet encouragingly.
"Dear brother. I hate to see you like this." I bowed my head into his hands after he spoke.
"He pushed me away George. He loves me and he pushed me away. I don't understand. I do love him, I know for sure now. I can't lose him."
"So don't. Rest now, and we'll begin tomorrow. If he does love you, he won't lose you. He just needs time, right? Like you did. This is a Slytherin and a Gryffindor in love. Two guys at that. This is big for everyone involved. It's not going to be easy, for anyone. Did you have lunch?" I nodded. "Go up to bed. I'll stay with you if you want." I looked up at him, and his eyes were smiling. I gently squeezed his hands and stood.
"Thank you. I'll be alright alone." I walked up to the dorm and stared at my bed. It looked different somehow. The sun wasn't out, and they rain was pouring down harder than when it began. I lied down on my bed and stayed awake for quite sometime. I finally fell asleep. I had the strangest dream about Malfoy, but when I woke I couldn't remember it. The sky had turned dark with night, but the storm was still raging. I pulled back my hangings and gasped. George was sitting on his bed staring at me.
"Time for dinner Fred. You hungry?"
"Yeah." I smiled at him and we walked to the great hall.
"Your bruise is looking quite colorful." I brushed my fingers across it and drew a breath from the pain.
"Yeah, hurts like a bitch. You know, if you're not alright with this you don't have to pretend to be. You're allowed to come to this gradually." I'd been meaning to tell him that he seemed too good too fast with Malfoy and I.
"Well, there is only about one-third of me that's still saying this is disgusting because it's Malfoy. But he could be worse. I mean, you say he's better and different than we thought he was, but how do you know for sure? He's really manipulative and he could be planning something."
"Like what?" I asked sarcastically.
"I don't know! Like-public humiliation or something. Look, it's the irrational side of me that thinks this is wrong, so it doesn't have good reasons why!" We reached the great hall and took our seats among Lee, Katie, and Angelina.
"I can tell you're still not okay with this. Look we'll talk later. I mean, you totally freaked me out when I woke up and you were staring at me." I whispered so only he could hear.
"Later, fine." He hissed angrily. We ate our dinner, and I was the perfect mask of happiness. I wasn't exactly looking forward to this talk with George, but we definitely needed to have it. He's been too nice. It seems like he changed too drastically, and I'm just waiting for him to lose it. He seems more okay with this than me. Before I knew it dinner was over, and we were staring at empty plates. George walked out with Katie, and I walked out with Lee. He talked on and on about something terribly boring and I don't think I heard a word of it. I nodded and smiled at all the right times though, and he never said anything. I reached the common room and went straight upstairs. I changed for bed and sat reading about Quidditch players and their upbringings. After about an hour I heard George on the stairs. Yes, I can tell by his step that it's him. He sat next to me and sighed.
"I just can't help but be suspicious. I tried to make myself believe I was completely okay with this, but of course I didn't fool you. I don't think I managed to trick myself even. The whole thing is still a little strange. Why would he be so different from what we thought he was? He's always seemed like genuine evil to me. If someone can act that horrible all the time, then there must be at least a good amount of evil in them. Could you have a healthy relationship with him? He seems like he'd be manipulative, controlling, and just a total jackass. Why would he pretend to be so mean all the time if he really wasn't?"
"Because of people like you that expect him to be that way. His father, his friends, his enemies-they all expect him to be horrible. He's been so horrible for so long that he didn't know how to be nice like a normal person would. He may have some evil in him, but I'm willing to accept that. He's no more controlling than I am, and I'm stronger than he is so that's not a problem. Even if we work this out, it'll have to be kept quiet. You'll probably be the only one that'll know. His father would kill him if he found out he was involved with a Weasley. I can't say how this will turn out-but that's part of the appeal isn't it? I mean, we're expected to be funny, and expected to play the middle brothers, and expected to be exactly the same. I'm tired of living up to other people's bloody expectations. I'm setting my own." George stared at me agape. He grinned and extended a hand. I stared at it, then at his smile. I shook his hand and he shook back.
"I'll agree with you there Fred. You do whatever the hell you want. But if I hear even one word out of your mouth about interaction with Malfoy that I wouldn't have with Malfoy-I'll sock you one. And so help me-if he hurts you-so help him. And I don't trust him. We'll clear that up now. I don't trust him and I'd rather you liked someone else, but I'll deal. I told Katie I wouldn't be long so I'd better go." He stood up and walked out without another word. I must have been more tired than I realized because I awoke to Lee and George coming into the dorm louder than they usually do.
"What's the time?" I asked groggily.
"Around midnight. Sorry we woke you." Lee answered.
"No, it's okay. Thanks." I set my internal clock and went back to sleep.
Sapere Aude-Dare to be Wise
Chapter 7-Sapere Aude Day IV
I stumbled out of bed a little later than usual, and hurried out to my run. Saturdays were always a slow start for me. It was cloudy, but the rain miraculously held off until I managed to get back inside. I was famished, and hurried to change for breakfast.
"You beat the rain?" George asked from his bed as I entered the dorm fully dressed from the bathroom.
"Yeah, only just. You coming to breakfast? I'll wait for you." He stretched and stood up.
"Thanks. I'll try to hurry." I sat on my bed and watched him scurry about getting this and that. After about five minutes he stood still. "Ready?" He smiled at me and we walked down to breakfast.
"So Lucius looked angry you were there?"
"Totally angry. Like, hit me with his tacky cane angry." George laughed.
"Let's hope nothing more comes from this. Like Lucius trying to get us expelled. Or Malfoy telling him about you. Or himself for that matter." I nodded.
"Oh. I meant to ask you, you didn't tell anyone why you hurt Malfoy, right?"
"Nope. Not even Katie." I breathed a sigh of relief. We sat down to breakfast, and noticed that only half the teachers were there. Slept in I suppose.
"They had a meeting last night. They're probably all tired from being so old and crotchety and staying up so late." I laughed.
"Definitely makes sense. What are you going to do today?"
"I don't know. Is this a Hogsmeade weekend? It wouldn't hurt to stock up." And evil grin crossed my features.
"That would be lovely," George began, "but it's not. Next weekend I believe."
"Damn. I may just hang around the common room, maybe even try my hand at some homework, or, studying."
"Be still my heart!" We both laughed. "I think we should visit Malfoy today." His words made me stop mid-thought.
"We? I was planning on it, but don't feel you have to."
"Come on Fred. It's my fault he's in there, and as he's your friend, I should at least try to be nice to him."
"I think he'd be uncomfortable. He doesn't like you too much." I answered hesitantly.
"Okay. Maybe some other time." I eyed George suspiciously. He seemed too nice.
"I think I'll go check on him after breakfast." I puffed up, as if waiting for his attack.
"Okay." None came. What the hell? I guess he really is okay with this. Breakfast went by fast; everyone having fun with our three-day weekend. When people started to leave I told George I'd meet him in the common room later with news, and headed to the hospital wing. I was greeted by an angry Madam Pomfrey as I entered.
"Do you know how hard it is to reattach teeth?!" I heard Malfoy laugh from his bed.
"I'm sorry. It's not my fault they're not in his head though." I laughed silently and tried to back away from her rage.
"This will take another week! He was doing so well too." She shook her head and walked to her office.
"Poor thing. Probably should've left well enough alone and not told her about the teeth." I looked down at Malfoy as I spoke. "So how are you?"
"I'm getting better. I think I'll be up and about tomorrow. I've got full use of all body parts, but it still hurts to get up." He answered. "Father always said I was a fast healer. I'll be bruised and sore for weeks though."
"How did it go with your dad?" Malfoy looked up at me, deciding what to say. His eyes burned into mine, not with anger, but with pain.
"I told him. About me. He doesn't know about you, and I told him I didn't know why George did this."
"And he believed you? What did he say about you?"
"He wasn't happy of course, said he still wanted an heir. He never did have the extreme beliefs that You-Know-Who had. Thinks they're fine as long as they leave him alone. Pity, because he isn't the most masculine thing is he?" Malfoy laughed and his joke and I grinned. "He doesn't think it will last though. Thinks I'll find a nice girl that will change my mind. Guess you can't have it all, huh?"
"Draco, if you could change, and be straight, would you?" He sat and thought for a few minutes.
"No. Guys are great. The raw power, the energy, the testosterone. It's intoxicating, indescribable. I wouldn't change for the world. Girls feel unnatural to me. Two men together is much more attractive than a handsome, powerful man and a weak, simpering girl. Why, would you?"
"No, not anymore. This time last year, yes. But not now. There is some form of unbridled energy that passes between two men, and the equality and return of feelings is better. Plus, women are fucking insane. I never understood them. Guys make sense to me." I absentmindedly picked at a hole in my jeans.
"How was your run?" He asked.
"Fine, thanks. When do you think you'll be able to run again?"
"Well, I know I'll be walking tomorrow, but not without pain. I'm gonna guess a week for running, with the ribs and head and all." I sighed and nodded. "Why? You miss watching me run? Fucking stalker you are!" I laughed with him.
"You wish! You're the stalker if either of us is one." We sat happily for a few minutes. I looked around and finally looked back at him. "Have you ever...been in love?" I asked timidly.
"Love? Love?! Love is one word that will never pass my lips with any meaning behind it. You should know that."
"You think you're not capable?"
"No. I know I'm not capable, and I don't want to be so I never will be." He drawled while leaning back further.
"I think you're capable of love. I think almost everyone is. I mean, if you really aren't, that's fine; be a lonely old bachelor forever, but I believe you would like to find someone to love."
"Did anyone ever tell you you're a hopeless romantic?"
"Just once before now. I think it was my sister." I grinned devilishly. "Yeah, definitely my sister. I fed her a nosebleed nougat right after she said it." I laughed out loud. "Man we got it from mum for that. George didn't even do anything either." Malfoy looked interested.
"Do you two always get punished together?"
"Um, er, yeah, I guess. We're usually both to blame though, so it makes sense."
"Can your whole family tell you two apart?"
"Well, no, not really. I mean, I think all of them except mum." I laughed. "She never gets it right." Malfoy looked shocked.
"Your own mother can't tell you apart?" I shook my head. "You know why I care right?" I looked up at him, into those smoky eyes, and wondered where he was going with this. I sat and thought before answering.
"I just assumed you cared for the same reason I did. For the real reason." He nodded, then spoke.
"And that reason is..."
"They say that if you ask the question you already know the answer Draco." I grinned deviously at him after I spoke.
"I know the answer, and I know you know. I just want to hear you say it. You made me say I was out looking for you the other day; it's only fair Fred." I sighed and closed my eyes after he spoke.
"Because you're more than a friend to me, and I to you." I opened my eyes and was surprised to see him looking sad. "I'm sorry. Not what you were expecting right? I'll go-you must hate having me here..." I stood up to leave, but felt him holding me back.
"Sit down!" He hissed at me. "I told you to get over your insecurities. That was exactly what I knew you would say. How can you lose confidence so quickly?"
"I-I don't, I should go..."
"Why? Sit down!" I reluctantly stayed in my seat. I searched the room for something to rest my eyes on that wasn't blonde and angry. "Look at me." I slowly turned back to him, but didn't look up at him. "What the fuck?!" Before I knew it he had reached out his bruised arm, and, grabbing my chin, lifted my eyes to his.
"Draco please-"
"Face it Fred. I have. You think that was easy for me? Waking up in the hospital wing and seeing only you...and only wanting to see you...you think that I like feeling this way?"
"You can handle it better than I can though! What the hell...no. We can't do this. We can't-how can you be this nice?! How can this be real?! There is no way that you're the same person we've known for five years! I can't take this-I can't-" I ran out, and Malfoy didn't stop me.
I ran to the common room and collapsed on my bed. This can't be happening. He's too nice, he's too open, caring, sincere, I can't take this. I mean, does he really want this? This isn't possible. He's been so horrible to us. What the hell am I supposed to do? Avoid him. That's what I have to do. This can't happen. I fell asleep and woke to George shaking me.
"Fred!"
"What? What-I'm up!" George laughed at my incoherent surprise.
"Alright there Fred? How was Malfoy?"
"Unnnn..." I rolled over, away from George.
"Fred? Fred what's wrong?" He gripped my shoulders and tried to turn me towards him.
"It's Malfoy."
"What? Did he hurt you? I'll-"
"No! George!" He had gotten up, and I had to pull him back to me. "He's just too-too different than what we all thought he was. He's nice, and he cares and I can't take it George. He told me today that I'm more than a friend to him, and George, oh god George-I said it back!"
"What?! How could you-you swore he wasn't more than a friend!" Surprisingly, his rage was less than I had expected, and he didn't even leave the bed.
"I didn't think he was but, today we were talking, and the conversation just took us there. George, what am I supposed to do?" I think he realized how vulnerable I was-how much I needed him, and his expression softened.
"Fred, remember what you told me about caring for your boyfriend the way I care for Katie?" I nodded in response. "Do you think he can care for you like that? Could you care for him like that?" He put a hand on my shoulder.
"George, are you...okay with this?" I asked, puzzled.
"I...I don't know. I've been thinking about what you said the other night, and I really do need to be okay with whatever you do, and whomever you do. I guess he's not the worst choice. It could have been Crabbe or Goyle right? He's smart, many find him attractive, and he seems to care for you. There is definitely some part of me that is violently rebelling, but that's the part I'm slowly beating with a stick." I laughed at him. "My love and caring for you, and I suppose my sense of rationality is telling me that you need me to back you in this, and I want to be there for you. I can feel how painful this is for you, our connection as twins is so strong, it's starting to make my eye shine as yours when I look on Malfoy."
"What?" I looked up at him, and sat up slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I've seen the way you look at him, you do care, and you shouldn't walk away from love Fred. I can feel how much you care, it's starting to creep into my bones. That was why I was okay, when we were fighting. The way you two talk to each other, your understanding of each other, your joy at his voice, it created warmth in my chest. That was when I knew I had to let you do this."
"George...you really mean this?" I asked hesitantly.
"Wouldn't say it if I didn't Fred. Come on now. Cheer up. You should go back to the hospital wing. Did you say anything that would hurt him?" My eyes widened slightly as I recalled our conversation. My words came back to me like ghosts in the dark. 'We can't do this...how can this be real?!' Oh god.
"George! George, I told him it wasn't real! I told him...I have to go. Dammit. I don't want to be the one crawling back to him." George looked startled.
"Fred, if you wait, it may be too late. You're not crawling back to him; you're keeping love from slipping by! Besides, it's not like he can come here." He looked guilty at his last statement.
"You're right. Why the fuck should I be moping around? I'm stronger than this-he won't get to me like this again." I stood up and startled George.
"You sure you're alright Fred? Remember he's injured. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I started at him in shock, and he grinned. We broke into laughter. George really can make me laugh no matter what. He stood and I faced my mirror image. He nodded once in encouragement and I left.
Walking down the stairs, out of the common room, and towards the hospital wing required more concentration than it had ever before. That was the hardest walk I think I ever took, and it seemed a year before I reached the door. It looked different than it had before, and the dark hall looked imposing. I slowly pushed open the door.
"Come crawling back have we?" Malfoy's voice cut through the air, and ripped through my body. It didn't matter what he said, but he was back to his cold, impersonal sneer, and it hurt more than I could fathom. I stood stunned in the doorway staring at Malfoy, who was gazing at me, fists clenched, arms folded menacingly across his chest. "You should just turn right around and leave. Don't bother with me, I'm not real, and I don't have feelings like you Gryffindors do." He looked so hurt, so broken. I couldn't stand to see him like that. I finally shut the door behind me and walked to his bed. He didn't look up at me, and I sat down next to him. I said nothing. This was his time. "You think you can just waltz back in here like nothing happened; that you'll make it all better with a few choice words?! I'm real, I feel, I hurt! You fucking bastard with your holier-than-thou attitude, your years of knowledge and experience surpassing mine! Bloody-so nice to me that it's disorienting, weakening, and you used me! You took advantage of my feelings, of a fifteen-year-old! Let your fucking brother nearly kill me, then make up with him like nothing happened. Hit me with a bludger, win the game, make Harry look better than me yet again! Order me around, use your superior strength to manipulate me, and then tell me your secrets and ask for mine?!" Bloody hell. He'd been holding that in for a long time. His rage was blinding, all-consuming, and his eyes were alight with it. He leaned his head back against his pillows, and a single tear slid alluringly down his right cheek. I reviewed the things he said before I spoke, careful not to fuck it up. I couldn't lose him. I just couldn't.
"I didn't hit you with a bludger on purpose." It seemed the easiest to fix, but I knew it was the least important. I clung to it, it was something he couldn't rebel too much against. "I didn't aim, I just hit. And you're better than Harry."
"Don't patronize me! He's the best player the school has seen since your brother Charlie!" My eyes widened. I had no idea he knew about Charlie.
"I don't mean at Quidditch. First of all, Harry has a Firebolt. Second, it's not the most important thing. You're better at potions than he is. You're a better person than he is. I've seen the change in him this year, we can hardly talk to him. I'd rather spend a lifetime with you than a week with Harry." He finally looked up at me. "I know you're real, and I'm sorry I hurt you. I just didn't know what I was feeling. I was scared, scared to let this be real. I'm not afraid anymore though."
"Leave." He looked away as he spoke.
"Pardon?" I blinked in surprise.
"Leave. I wish to be alone, and as I cannot leave, you must." I stared at him, searching his eyes for his emotion. He looked like George; working things out, deciding what to do. I realized that he did just need to think about shit, and I stood. He didn't move, and I left.
Students filled the halls, the library was packed, and there was a fair number eating lunch. I joined those eating lunch. The table was only about a quarter full, and no one questioned my empty gaze. I moved slowly, enjoying my food, my simple, simple task of eating. Funny how things can be easy and hard at the same time. I sat for awhile even after I was full. I still felt empty. Like someone had gutted me. That someone would have to be Malfoy. I stood up. I have to find George. I walked back to the common room slowly, making myself think about what I was doing. I didn't realize I was angry until I pushed a suit of armor over. No teachers could come fast enough, and everyone who saw was too afraid to report me. Probably didn't even know if I was George or Fred. I reached the common room, and George's eyes flew to mine from across the room as soon as I entered. He was rested comfortably with Katie on his lap in one of our chairs. I walked towards him as he whispered something to Katie. She kissed him quickly, hopped off, and joined Angelina and Alicia at the table nearby. I fell into my chair and dropped my head in my hands. George lifted my head, and took my hands in his. He looked at me sympathetically yet encouragingly.
"Dear brother. I hate to see you like this." I bowed my head into his hands after he spoke.
"He pushed me away George. He loves me and he pushed me away. I don't understand. I do love him, I know for sure now. I can't lose him."
"So don't. Rest now, and we'll begin tomorrow. If he does love you, he won't lose you. He just needs time, right? Like you did. This is a Slytherin and a Gryffindor in love. Two guys at that. This is big for everyone involved. It's not going to be easy, for anyone. Did you have lunch?" I nodded. "Go up to bed. I'll stay with you if you want." I looked up at him, and his eyes were smiling. I gently squeezed his hands and stood.
"Thank you. I'll be alright alone." I walked up to the dorm and stared at my bed. It looked different somehow. The sun wasn't out, and they rain was pouring down harder than when it began. I lied down on my bed and stayed awake for quite sometime. I finally fell asleep. I had the strangest dream about Malfoy, but when I woke I couldn't remember it. The sky had turned dark with night, but the storm was still raging. I pulled back my hangings and gasped. George was sitting on his bed staring at me.
"Time for dinner Fred. You hungry?"
"Yeah." I smiled at him and we walked to the great hall.
"Your bruise is looking quite colorful." I brushed my fingers across it and drew a breath from the pain.
"Yeah, hurts like a bitch. You know, if you're not alright with this you don't have to pretend to be. You're allowed to come to this gradually." I'd been meaning to tell him that he seemed too good too fast with Malfoy and I.
"Well, there is only about one-third of me that's still saying this is disgusting because it's Malfoy. But he could be worse. I mean, you say he's better and different than we thought he was, but how do you know for sure? He's really manipulative and he could be planning something."
"Like what?" I asked sarcastically.
"I don't know! Like-public humiliation or something. Look, it's the irrational side of me that thinks this is wrong, so it doesn't have good reasons why!" We reached the great hall and took our seats among Lee, Katie, and Angelina.
"I can tell you're still not okay with this. Look we'll talk later. I mean, you totally freaked me out when I woke up and you were staring at me." I whispered so only he could hear.
"Later, fine." He hissed angrily. We ate our dinner, and I was the perfect mask of happiness. I wasn't exactly looking forward to this talk with George, but we definitely needed to have it. He's been too nice. It seems like he changed too drastically, and I'm just waiting for him to lose it. He seems more okay with this than me. Before I knew it dinner was over, and we were staring at empty plates. George walked out with Katie, and I walked out with Lee. He talked on and on about something terribly boring and I don't think I heard a word of it. I nodded and smiled at all the right times though, and he never said anything. I reached the common room and went straight upstairs. I changed for bed and sat reading about Quidditch players and their upbringings. After about an hour I heard George on the stairs. Yes, I can tell by his step that it's him. He sat next to me and sighed.
"I just can't help but be suspicious. I tried to make myself believe I was completely okay with this, but of course I didn't fool you. I don't think I managed to trick myself even. The whole thing is still a little strange. Why would he be so different from what we thought he was? He's always seemed like genuine evil to me. If someone can act that horrible all the time, then there must be at least a good amount of evil in them. Could you have a healthy relationship with him? He seems like he'd be manipulative, controlling, and just a total jackass. Why would he pretend to be so mean all the time if he really wasn't?"
"Because of people like you that expect him to be that way. His father, his friends, his enemies-they all expect him to be horrible. He's been so horrible for so long that he didn't know how to be nice like a normal person would. He may have some evil in him, but I'm willing to accept that. He's no more controlling than I am, and I'm stronger than he is so that's not a problem. Even if we work this out, it'll have to be kept quiet. You'll probably be the only one that'll know. His father would kill him if he found out he was involved with a Weasley. I can't say how this will turn out-but that's part of the appeal isn't it? I mean, we're expected to be funny, and expected to play the middle brothers, and expected to be exactly the same. I'm tired of living up to other people's bloody expectations. I'm setting my own." George stared at me agape. He grinned and extended a hand. I stared at it, then at his smile. I shook his hand and he shook back.
"I'll agree with you there Fred. You do whatever the hell you want. But if I hear even one word out of your mouth about interaction with Malfoy that I wouldn't have with Malfoy-I'll sock you one. And so help me-if he hurts you-so help him. And I don't trust him. We'll clear that up now. I don't trust him and I'd rather you liked someone else, but I'll deal. I told Katie I wouldn't be long so I'd better go." He stood up and walked out without another word. I must have been more tired than I realized because I awoke to Lee and George coming into the dorm louder than they usually do.
"What's the time?" I asked groggily.
"Around midnight. Sorry we woke you." Lee answered.
"No, it's okay. Thanks." I set my internal clock and went back to sleep.
Sapere Aude-Dare to be Wise