Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Harry gets drunk at a high school party and wakes up in the morning next to Voldemort!
Disclaimer: You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer?
Chapter Thirty Two: Voldemort Goes Swimming
(Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)
He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth
- Avril Lavigne, "Sk8ter Boi"
~
It was a cold, stormy nite at number 3 Privet Drive and Seamus couldn't find anything to wear.
"Have you SEEN Barry Watson's cancer hair?" McGonagall spat.
For tonight was the Tri-Wizard Tournament!
"Last night a wolf ran wild through my head..." Pads patted the lone wolf next to him.
The entire school had just been woken up by Ron's stomach rumbling.
"What? I haven't eaten since Harry bought me those sweets on the train 5 years ago......." Ron reminisced. Everyone glared at Harry because he had
ignored the 'Don't feed the Animal' sign that was above Ron's head.
"39 points to Seamus for having sex with Flint last night!" Snape greased his hair, as he sat next to Minerva at the Staff table for breakfast. Armando had
gotten a new breakfast menu and the students were slightly confused by all the muggle terminology.
"Coco-Pops? Isn't that a rude word or something?" Lil' Dean rapped for his new single.
"Orange juice?! Ew! What kind of a person would use oranges to make a drink?" Zuzan boned bonily. Bone!
"Toast... sounds crispy..." Mr Crisp, the Broom Care Professor, crisped crisply.
Poor Draco was the most confused wizard of them all - his parents were Death Eaters you know - and he ordered porridge on toast, with bacon in orange
juice. Hermione just rolled her eyes and ordered scrambled eggs and bacon.
The Wizz-bell rang for class, and the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs made their way up to Introduction to Cooking 101.
"Crikey! We have this class with Slytherin, don't we?" The Crocodile Hunter man got eaten by a wizz-crocodile.
"Bloody hell! What class do we have then?" Hufflepuff #7813 asked its fellow Hufflepuffs, who mistakenly thought they had a class with Gryffindor.
"Sit down! Sit down! Get out your textbooks and start wizz-reading from page 19, 'How to make Bran Muffins'." Romano, the Hot Quinton-Styled cooking
teacher skipped out to make Spirulinas.
"Did you know that the guy who played Barney died in the suit while they were filming?" Rupert Michael Grint knew all along he was dead even though he
played along with the other kids who thought he was still alive.
"And the kids didn't even notice!" Rob, Alun's friend, chimed in.
But the rumor mill was suddenly stopped by Romano, who bounced back in with a wittle boy not too far behind.
"Okay class, I'd like you all to meet a very special little boy and I hope you make him feel welcome," Al was clutching Romano's hand tightly. What if the other
kids didn't like him?
"Everyone, this is Alex Band. Look, there's a spare seat next to Draco." Wittle Al got bombarded by rotten fruit and bits of paper as he went to take his seat.
But as he went to sit down, he found himself landing painfully on the floor and everyone laughed at him. Someone had pulled his seat away.
"I'm Harry. Harry Potter," Harry introduced while doing the Eminem-style fingers, "Fuck you! We don't like new students here! Meet me at 3pm on the
basketball courts for a bashing!" Harry shoved Al down again and sat down on the other side of Draco.
"Here, let me help you up," Draco pulled Al up and gave him his seat back and gave him a bracelet. Wittle Al was too scared to say anything so he just stared
at Draco with his big eyes.
"Don't mind Harry, he's a recovering alcoholic and he hasn't taken his meds today. He's okay once you get to know him. Just stick with me and he won't hurt
you."
"Okay." Wittle Al whispered.
"Hey Chair! You suck!" Seamus threw a chair at Alex. Draco Avada Kedavred his Irish ass, but Alex had already burst into tears and ran out.
"What the hell kind of a name is Ike?!" Ron's pocket quivered.
Meanwhile, at the dinner table.
"Hey, where's that new kid? Chair? He was supposed to meet me at 3pm for a bashing but he never turned up."
"Padma Patil said he was in the bathroom all day.......................................................... cryun!" Neville informed.
Once everyone had put their names in the cup of flames, they all stood back and waited for the magic to begin.
"And the first name from the cup of fire is... Lord Voldemort!" Voldemort couldn't believe his luck! It was as if he had just won the lottery!
"V-man, you da man!" Voldie supporters death-eated.
"And the second tri-wizard tournament contender... is going to be- trumpets please!" Lee Jordan blew his black trumpet, "Fikadu Pisopisofakala'u from The
Samoan Island School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Everyone did the Samoan dance as he went up.
"And the third..." Everyone thought Armando Dippet had died for sure this time, but then he started breathing again. "Harry Potter!" The cheers could be
heard throughout all of England.
Ron couldn't believe his luck! He'd never won anything before in his whole life. He walked up to the stage to accept his money.
Suddenly the cup began to spit green Avada Kedavra colored sparks and hiss rude words in Parse tongue. The entire hall fell silent as green flame letters
shot out above the stage and slowly began to spell a name. And that name was... Draco Malfoy.
Draco already knew he was going to be a contender because his father had told him. He was a Death Eater, you know. As Draco went to go up to stand with
the other contestants, Harry found he couldn't control himself.
"Yeah Draco baby! Work it! Take it off!" Harry screamed between wolf-whistles. If you looked closely you could see Draco's ears turn a light shade of
pink.
"And the final... Tri... Wizard... Tournament... Contender... will be..." Armando Dippet wheezed, dipping his hat, "Quinton Rangirangimuggaridge!"
Hagrid was wearing traditional Maori clothes for the occasion- a grass skirt and a tiki club, which he waved menacingly.
"Do you really think there's a Tri-Wizard Tournament?" Chow shanged.
"Ssssiah Hassieth..." Harry's tongue parseled.
Harry couldn't believe how hard his FIRST TASK was. They had to run through fire, dodge speeding bullets, learn to drive, slay a dragon, rip a phone book in
half. Draco's was even harder. He had to wear muggle clothes for a whole two minutes!
"Cant... breathe... material wrapped tight... around my legs..." Draco was hyperventilating.
Harry stopped what he was doing, long enough to yell out, "Yeah Draco honey, rip 'em off! Show me some skin!"
"Ron, its your turn." Snake #37123995 hissed from the snake tunnel that Ron was supposed to run through while eating Ten Ton Tongue Toffee.
"What? I'm just here for the money! No, wait!" But it was too late. Ron had been shoved into the tunnel and died before he could even unwrap his
toffee.
Thankfully everyone survived the first task.
"And now to the scoreboard. Andy?"
"Thanks John. Well it looks like Fikadu is in trouble early on in the tournament, he only scored 5 points! Lord Voldemort will be casting some crucios tonight,
the judges only gave him 72 points! Mr Draco Malfoy should be used to being second best to Harry as he currently has 112 points. And finally our hero, our
savior... MR HARRY POTTER has a whopping 16992458 points!"
FIRST TASK:
1st - Harry Potter
2nd - Draco Malfoy
3rd - Lord Voldemort
4th - Fikadu Pisopisofakala'u
"What? You've been selling things that I've touched on the internet?" Unkle Vernon gasped as the screen faded to black.
A.N: How well will Paul's new clothing label 'hug' do? Will Clay Aiken return as Gentleman #6 on the last ever episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer? What happens when GC runs out of food?? And is Rupert Grint the only one starring in GoF movie? Find in out in the
next installment of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review!