Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 6 years after arriving at Hogwarts, SIRIUS FUCKING DIES! HE DIES! FUCK!
Disclaimer: You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer?
Chapter Thirty Three: The Last Marauder: A Tribute to Sirius Black
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
- 50 Cent, "In Da Club"
~
Hem hem.
"Tana Shmana!" Hermione swished and flicked her wand as she bought her Order of the
Phoenix book off of the man himsel'- Tana Umanga!
Meanwhile at the Dursley's, Harry was trying to kill himself.
"Uuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnklllllllleeeeeeeeeeee............!" He moaned miserably as he
swallowed a few cartons of pills and washing it down with some vodka.
"Who's Unkle? Your boyfriend or something?" Dudley cackled as he peeped his head in
Harry's room.
"Snarl!" Harry snarled, as he grabbed a handful of syringes and threw them at his cousin,
missing the heart but getting him squarely in both eyes.
CRACK
"Unkle?" Harry wibbled.
"It me Harry, Remmie." Remus Lupin, a professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry and Lifelong Partner of 'The Dead One', spoke tiredly.
His eyes were bloodshot and shadowed and Harry thought he looked terribly ill. His robes were torn and dirty and Harry
suspected he hadn't changed, slept, eaten or washed since 'his' death.
"W-w-w-w--w-w-w-w--w-w-where's Sirius?" Harry was cranked up on Zotab and had
momentarily forgotten his Unkle had died.
"He died Harry, remember? Cos you didn't learn fucking Occlumency! Its all your goddamn
fault he died!!" Remus grabbed Harry's throat and watched him slowly die.
"Remus? Remmie! H-hello?!" Harry waved his hand in front of Moony's face. Lupin had an odd
sort of smile on his face and was staring at nothing in particular, cackling and clenching his
hands around something unseen.
"Oh... Harry? You're still alive! What- but I-..? Oh... ummm hi Harry, how's it going? Still
blaming yourself for Sirius' death?" Remus lit a cigarette and started puffing nervously.
"Argh!" Harry screamed at no one in particular and blew up number 4 Privet Drive, giggling
maniacally as he went.
"You killed my husband Harry! Sirrie would still fucking be alive if you HAD DONE WHAT YOU
HAD BEEN TOLD TO DO INSTEAD OF BEING AN ANGSTY FUCKING TEENAGER!" Remus's eyes glinted wolfishly.
"Remus? What are you doing? Oh shi-"
CRACK
Harry apparated back to Hogwarts (yes, he neglected his Occlumency lessons and decided to
teach himself how to apparate instead! Thanks Harry!) before a very pissed off wolf could eat him for supper, And collided with none other than, Draco Malfoy. Slytherin. Prefect.
"What the FUCK are you doing Potter?"
"You CAN'T apparate into Hogwarts! Haven't you read 'Hogwarts: A Hist-" But Hermione was
cut off by Ron who dragged her into his bedroom.
"You better fucking watch out Malfoy," Potter spat, "Remember the last time I beat the crap
out of you?" Draco stopped himself from wincing, but Harry could see the bruises on Draco's ribs because Draco wasn't wearing a shirt..................................
"You fucking put my dad in wizz prizz! You're g-gonna fucking pay for that! Avadaaaaaaa..."
Draco charged at Harry with his wand.
The suspense was golden.
Meanwhile Bellatrix was being tortured by Voldemort. He was using a special spell to keep
her alive... but only just.
"...Keyidavrxea!" A fluro green bolt of lightning, much like Harry's scar, flew out of Draco's wand and went straight into Draco's eye! Harry chortled.
"Not so tough now are ya?" Harry kicked Draco in the face and started doing centipede
dances as centipedes crawled their way out of Draco's ears at a rapid pace.
Draco whimpered and curled into a little Slytherin ball. Harry took advantage of his current
state and started punching every square inch of Malfoy he could find.
"I've wanted to-" Draco was cut off by a sharp blow to his jaw, "-to be with you since the first time I-," Draco spat out a mouthful of blood onto the cold stone floor, "I met you."
Harry stopped. "W-what? Ew! Gaybo!" Harry leapt off of Draco as if he had a disease.
"First Ron and Hagrid, now this!" Harry flew at Draco Quirrel-stylez and wrapped his fingers in a tight grip around Draco's neck.
They started randomly making out, hidden in a corridor because there IS still hope for Harry/Draco lurvin! w00t!
Draco suddenly felt something strange dangling from Harry's ears. He pulled his tongue out
of Harry long enough to ask, "What the hell is this?"
"I-i-i-i--i-ii--i-iii-i-i-its my cucumber earrings. Sirius, he- he gave th-" Harry *finally* started to cry and Draco hugged him.
"There there sonny Jim!" Harry and Draco jumped as Mad-Eye Moody hobbled out of the
shadows of the corridor as well! How many people were hiding in this bloody corridor
anyway? How can you hide in a corridor...?
"P-p-p--p--p-professor! We were just....." Harry started to explain but the swivel of Alastor's magical eye told him he didn't need to. The swiveling was making Harry dizzy and everything was getting darker and fuzzier.
Draco purposely missed catching Harry as he hit the floor with a loud crunch.
"That's right bitch." Draco muttered and kicked him in the side. Now everyone would think
that he had beaten up Potter! Everyone gave him high-fives on their way to various classes.
Suddenly Bellatrix was being tortured by Voldemort and her screams could be heard in several other dimensions.
Meanwhile in Harry's head...
*FLASHBACK*
"Unkie Remus? But... but, I thought you were a Werewolf?" Harry stoned out with his good
friend Joel, the new exchange student from America who had an odd looking hair cut.
"Sirius Black? But I thought you were in Azlankebankebab!" Moony gasped at his long haired
long lost boyfriend.
"I have some news Harry... me and Remus are getting married!" Sirius died.
"Wolf and Dog Unite!" Remus cheered and as if on cue, the whole hall erupted into an angry
mob and started closing in on the 2 luvahs, bearing pitchforks and flame torches.
*END FLASHBACK*
Remus awoke with a start, and out of habit, reached over expecting to find the warm body of- but with a jolt Remus played back the events of yesterday in his mind. He was dead. And Remus cried.
Thousands of miles away Harry awoke with his scar on fire and his body frozen. He sat up
painfully and realized he was still on the stone cold floor of a Hogwarts corridor, naked. And surrounded by moving wizz-polaroids. He groaned and started gathering them up. "Not
again..." he muttered to himself as he saw one of Ron tattooing a wizz-tattoo onto his leg
that said 'Property of Ronald Weasley'. Harry looked down at his leg. "Great. Fucking great."
He looked at his watch and saw that he was late for Potions. He hurriedly stuffed the pictures in his pocket and ran off.
A certain Weasley revealed himself from between the shadows and laughed.
On the way to Potions, which the Gryffindors always fucking had with Slytherin, Harry
bumped into Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.
"Hullo Harry. And how are we this fine evening?"
"..." The anger welled up side of Harry sofuckingfast the old man didn't even have a chance
to read the young lads mind and stop him. In a matter of seconds, pillars and statues were
flying everywhere, mostly in the general direction of the Headmaster.
"STOP!" He cried, halting most of the objects in mid-air. He wasn't the most powerful wizz in the land for nuttin!
"IF YOU HAD TOLD ME EVERYTHING HE WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING DIED! ITS MY FAULT I DIDNT
LEARN OCCLUMENCY BUT ITS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT LETTING ME KNOW THAT IT WAS SO
FUCKING IMPORTANT! THAT VOLDEMORT COULD BE POSSESING ME! HE DIED! SIRIUS
FUCKING DIED! AND ITS YOUR FAULT!" Harry screamed, and using the same kind of power it
takes to 'Crucio' he summoned something big and heavy enough to kill.
"Hold yer Hippogriffs!" Dumble cried, but he was too slow and a statue of Godric smashed
into him.
And so Harry sat in a pile of rubble, tears silently streaming down his face as he wished he had died instead of his Unkle.
"Hey Hazzy, wanna go shoot some pool down at the Rec Center? There'll be some fly
beatches there tonite!" Ron dribbled sweetly.
"Sorry Ron, I can't. Hagrid wants me to meet him after school to show him his new crops...."
Harry politely declined Ron's offer of friendship.
"Oh Harry, you need to... just... you shouldn't cut yourself off from everyone like this. You need-" Hermione stopped. The look Harry was giving her was scaring her ohsobad. So she
grasped Ron's hand tightly and stood slightly behind him.
"What?" Harry's tone was cold. "What makes you think you know what I need?"
"H-harry, I was just trying-" Hermione spoke up feebly.
"JUST TRYING TO RUB IN THE FACT THE MY UNKLE IS DEAD!" Harry screamed, grabbing for his
wand which was tucked in the waistband of his black Dickies.
"Shit Harry, calm down. Herm was only trying to-" Ron took a step back into Hermione.
"OH THAT FUCKING MUDBLOOD? BETWEEN HER BOSSYNESS AND YOUR WHINING I CAN'T
FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Suddenly Harry's wand was aimed at Ron's heart.
"Harry! Don't call Hermione that you mother-" Ron said, oblivious to the fact that Harry could and probably would kill him in a second.
"Get. Out. Now." Harry spat venomously. His two former best friends didn't need telling twice, as they scurried away arm in arm, probably up to the Prefects Make-Out Lounge.
Draco spied Harry all alone and strutted up to him.
"What's it like having no friends Potter?"
"You should know, you evil git." Harry really couldn't be bothered with this fuckwit. Sure, he had snogged him once but he had beaten him up twice. And that's saying something.
"Ha! If you-" Draco had a really witty comeback, but-
"I put your dad in prison. I hope he fucking rots." Draco's eyes widened considerably. What
had happened to the geeky boy who never stood up to him that Draco had come to know
and love?
"You..." This time Draco was silenced by Harry's lips pressing against his.
Higher and higher he went, feeling the wind rushing past him, watching the houses grow
smaller. He was leaving his pain and his sorrow down on the ground and he was going to
find Sirius. The air began to get colder and the clouds thinned, but still no sign of Heaven.
"It's got to be here somewhere, it's got to be!" Harry cried, forgetting that he was all alone,
not caring that no one could hear him.
"It is, Harry," a voice said, and Harry nearly fell off his broom. But the voice, he realized, had
been. . . different. He hadn't heard it. . . . he had felt it, more. And he thought he had
recognized it. . . .
"Sirius?" he asked tentatively. And then- "Sirius! Where are you? Are you here? Am I in
Heaven yet?"
"Harry." Yes it was him, Harry was sure of it! "Harry, listen to me. You cannot go to Heaven.
You cannot find me. You are alive. I am dead. There is a wall between us." Sirius sounded
calm, emotionless, and somehow much older.
"No!" Harry cried. "No, there is no wall. I'll- I'll- I'll kill myself! I'll be with you then, Sirius. I
want to be with you, not here, not alone!"
"No, Harry," Sirius said, and now Harry recognized sadness, true sorrow in his godfather's
voice. "You cannot do that. Please don't, please-"
But before Sirius could say more, Harry swung his legs off of his broom. Eyes blinded by tears and mind clouded with longing, Harry prepared to let go. "I'm coming Sirius, I'm coming!"
A.N: Who raped Joel?, Will the guys from Wakefeild accept Aaron back after his short brush with fame?, How is Brown Sound gonna reveal his love to Cone now that Jeff has stolen his heart, And how the FUCK is Spike gonna return on Angelus when he died while trying to save Johnathan's baby Grindyling! Find out in the next chapter! Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review!