Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 6 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Sirius learns of Voldemorts plans to have a death eater assassinate him? will Sirius escape his fate..
Disclaimer: You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer?
Chapter: Thirty Five: Jaded (These Years)
Guys sing..
It feels like something's heating up, can I leave with you?
And ladies..
I don't know what I'm thinking bout, really leaving with you
Feels good don't it? Come on
- Justin Timberlake, "Senorita"
~
"Hey Harry, what are you doing?" Draco, a Slytherin 5th year, enquired politely.
"Well Draco, I just subscribed to the Pump the Breaks Updates list." Said the son of James Potter.
"Thats great Harry. Why don't you tell me some of the benefits of said list?" Draco decided that sitting on Harry's knee wasn't a good idea, so he sprawled out on a sexy leather couch.
"Of course. As a member of the Pump the Breaks Updates List, you will receive regular mailings whenever a new chapter has been posted." Harry said reading off a cue card- I mean, of free will..... heh.
"Sounds great!" Draco said most unenthusiastically.
"Oh, it is- and there's more! Upon subscribing you will be sent an exclusive members only pack which includes a customized membership card, a limited edition soundtrack with extra DVD Rom features, a 100% cotton Pump the Breaks wifebeater and a kick-ass temporary tattoo! Collect all 6!" Harry was getting really excited. He had put Alun tatts all over his arm like his punk Idol- Benjaman Madden.
"Gosh Harry, I can't wait to-" Draco was starting to get interested, but was interuppted by a certain boy who didn't die.
"And there's a bi-weekly competition where you could win a Pump the Breaks script, signed by the entire cast!" Harry leapt out of his seat.
"...Are you done?" Draco scowled.
"Quite." Harry smiled smugly.
"What do I have to do to-" Draco was again, interuppted.
"Join? Why, you just send an email to pump_the_breaks@hotmail.com and you'll instantly become a member!" Harry shook his arse. (that's British for 'ass')
"Can I-" Draco sai-
"Instant membership! Free towel for the first 25 to join!" Godamnit stop interrupting.
"..." Malfoy frowned and sat in silence.
About half a year has passed since Ron was changed into a girl by his brothers and fell in love with Draco Malfoy, and the class made their way over to the Rancid bus for afternoon tea. There was a rumour going around that David Thewlis HIMSELF was personally going to be dishing up the food.
"I'm so hungry, I could eat 400 shrinking wizz-oranges!" Neville complained loudly as his stomach rumbled.
"Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT!"
Everyone cheered Pat on because he was going to be the Fat Camp's new camp leader. The Topp Twins would be proud.
"Psst! Hey, did you know Dawson dies in his creek on the last episode?" Marcus Flint road worked.
Harry awoke to the sound of Ron snarling and the sight of Dean T putting his Mest poster up, up-side down. Hedwig hooted quitely... but really it was saying, 'You DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try....'
"What was that Hedwig? You're not allowed in here! You're a girl!" And at Harry's words the entire boys dorm went into utter chaos and panic.
"Ahhhh its a girl!!! Hedwig's a girl! Female! Ahhh!" Seamus screamed Irishly.
"Its been spying on us all along- I've showered infront of that bird every night!" Al wibbled in the corner, covering himself with a blanket, "All along I thought you were just one of DA BOYZ!"
The class made their way down to the Sum 41 bus for morning tea- thats Brit speak for 'snack'. Baked beans apparated onto the tables and everyone dug in except for Harry and Al who slipped a little something 'extra o_O' into their food. Harry caught Alex's eye and winked knowingly.
A skeletal frail wrinkled thing shuffled onto the stage, "I have an announcement to make" Dumbledore wheezed as a few moths flew out of his mouth. "Tonight is the nation wide premiere of The Fusion Club!" The whole school threw up their hats and cheered.
"Don't forget to sign up, as the club opens................ tonite! That is all!" And Armando dipped out of sight.
"So, you gonna sign up for the club Al?" Harry and his thugz bullied (he'd hired Crabbe and Goyle off Draco).
"What's it to you?" Al cowered behind Draco and peeked over the bleached blonde pale nemisises shoulder.
"You're gonna get a suprise.... such a SUPRISE!" Harry warned.
"I don't like the sound of that Aaron..." Al turned to Aaron- his LIFEtime friend.
"..." Kamin hadn't moved or spoken for the past 3 days.
"Fred... George! What are you doing here?" Ron sniveled to himself in his cardboard box. He was all alone.
Previously on Planet Kami's Island, the class crowded around the green Z fighter... all except for Harry who was unfortunatley absent that day.......
"Televisionus!" Harry waved his wAnd and the wizz-tv flickered on. A muggle game of football was on, and Harry was just starting to get into it when all of a sudden, a man - sans clothing - ran onto the field. "N-n-n-n-n-n-no... is that-? It-it can't be!"
But it was. Unkle Remus was pole dancing naked on a boundary flag.
Harry blinked and Remmie had already grabbed the match ball and was doing something rude with it. Harry blushed and shifted in his seat....
"What are yer doin' Harrie?" Seamus startled irishly.
"Hey! I didn't know you could get porn in here? Is this the one where........"
Remus had already streaked across the feild 3 times!
Harry momentarily let his battle with Draco drop as he stared Lucius straight in the eye. Harry blinked, and Lucius Malfoy dropped dead, the bloody git.
Meanwhile on the GC bus, Joel awoke to find he had been raped by all the members of Linkin Park while he was asleep!
"Guys! I've got some news! Rob's been kidnapped... again!" Mike broke the news to band. Will Bill had tears in his eyes. Paul wasn't there bacuase he was at his Pan company, 'Pauls Pans'. Benji looked shocked, and so did Joel- because they're twins!
"People who don't turn their blinker off...I hate that!" Joel said while Chester raped him.
Aaron came in (not Aaron Kamin!) and glared. "I'm leaving- leaving the band. But I'll be back... just you wait!" He pointed a finger menacingly and left. The band.
"Harry, don't you think that our new DADA teacher is a bit... too good looking?"
"Yeah... he must be Voldemort in disguise! I bet he's plotting with Snape to steal the Philosophers Stone..." But Harry's accusations were interuptted by a man in tatty robes.
"Good day class! I'm Proffessor Lucas, your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Hopefully I'll last alot longer than Quirrel!" Lucas chortled to himself, but he was the only one who got the joke.
"Are you still reading that thing?!" Robbo spat.
Paul walked over to the wardrobe room, but was stopped by Benji who suddenly put his arm across the doorway, preventing Paul from entering.
"Sorry mate, clothes designers only." he slammed the door in Paul's face.
Meanwhile, in DADA, Terry Cornfoot had some interesting news.
"Psst, hey Serj- there's a PHAT par-tay on tonite! In the Restricted section of the library, starts at 7pm."
"What's it for?" Wittle Al piped up, but was quickly silenced by Viktor Krum, who joined Lifehouse.
"Its for the launch of J.K Rowling's new book, 'Lord of the Rings: The Hobbit's Revenge'" Madame Rosmerterr while slamming down some mead.
"Pierre doesn't like girls. He likes David." Peeves, who wasn't really a ghost anyway.
"Yeah, and you have to come dressed as your favourite character from Crash Bandicoot!" Fred- or was it George- snivelled snidely.
The class was filled with hushed whispers as to who was going as what.
"I'm going as Ray Romano!" Ron plotted, thinking that everybody would love him if he went as Raymond.
"OlliwAnder! I'm going as him- OlliwAnder!" Bag, man and crouch.
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Bozo the Clown! Awere!" Micheal Corner did the Ronald.
There were no suprises as to who Pharrell was going to go as,"I'm going as R2D2..." he said as he did his thing in time to non-existant music.
Half an hour later the students were gathered in the Great Hall for no particular reason.
"I have an announcement to make," Dumbedore raised his arms for silence. "Shnizzel dizzel snoop dog boys kizzle rizzel! That is all!"
"Is he a bit mad?" Harry enquired in wonderment.
"He's a bloody genius! But yes, a little mad." Percy, the evil git, joined the death eaters.
"You're gonna pay for that one Malfoy!" Ron held out his and in a strange guesture and Draco looked puzzled. "Well? Come on, pay up! I mean it Malfoy!"
"What the fuck...?" Draco barked and ran off.
Harry you look so much like your father- except you have Rons eyes....
Lucious put on his tee shirt which read 'killing curses don't kill people, i kill people' and made his way to muggle hunting where he tought the 6th year Gryffs and Slyths, while at the same time were making their way to Aoteroa institution where the class was held.
"Drakkie what is it?" Harry saddled. What he said next made him freeze.
"He rapes me..." Draco snorted.
"Who... who rapes you?" Hazzie P rapped sympathetically.
"Hagrid's twin bro... Grump- He-h-he-e-e-he rapes me!" Malfoy malformed mechanically.
You will find out who raped Draco soon I promise!
A.N: Will Harry ever learn fuckin occlumency? or will Snape take away his pride and his money? How much are Ron freckels really worth? And is Will Sadler really gonna take over Crouch and be the next Hogwarts caretaker?? Find out in the next chapter of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review!