Authors: slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4
Rating: PG-13
Summary: 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, what if Harry got sorted into Gryffindor?
Disclaimer: You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer?
Chapter Thirty Seven: Harry Potter's Asian Fetish
(Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)
May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you
- Seamus Finnegan, "Seamus Theme"
~
Weeman looked deep into my eyes.
"Are you alright?" he asked concernedly.
"I'm fine now... John" I replied, blushing. He pulled me up with seemingly no effort and I gazed into his eyes.
"Oh Preston..." Weeman sighed.
"Hush Wee..." I pressed my finger to his lips and-
Harry awoke at number 22 Privet Drive with his scar on fire. Literally.
Doobie was peering over at him with ping pong ball eyes, which his great pal Yoda had lent him.
"Doooobie what are you dooooing?" The Boy Who's Scar Was On Fire, clawed at the house elfs tatty rag. Dobbie giggled nervously and dancing out of Harry's reach, he dropped the flame tourch he was holding. Harry's whole head was now ablaze and he fumbled around for his wand.
"Don't go looking for Siddius, Haddy" Arnold Weasley extinguished the son of James Potter.
Harry awoke at Hogwarts with his scar on fire.
"Ron!" he yanked open the bed curtains and looked around the dorm in a panic.
"Allo 'Arry! Gidday mate!" The Weasel himsel'.
"Oh no we've got breakfast with Slytherin!" Umbridge caught some flies for lunch.
"But- we had breakfast with Slytherin yesterday... don't you remember?" Sirius died a slow and painful death, never to come back.
"Aha! Another Weasely... I know just what to do with you... kill you!" Terry Boot.
The class made their way down to the school cafeteria and each got a tray and stood in line. The special today was 'Hagrid Surprise' which Hermionie suspected contained mustard, rocks, pixie blood and firewhiskey.
"Ello 'Arry, what can I do fer yer?" Hagrid the lunch lady, whose bush of tangles had been tucked haphazardly under a hairnet, grinned toothily.
But before Harry could answer, a pile of goo (Hagrids Special) had been ladled onto his plate.
"On with yer, on with yer," Hagrid motioned and Harry was shimmied down the line.
"Pardon me sir, do you have any hott baguettes?" Fidius Flitwick squeaked. Hagrid picked up the little ewok in one foul swoop and threw him in the large vat behind the counter where it landed with a splat.
Draco was a sweet little boy who was daydreaming about torturing, decapatating and flowers, when his foot met with something hard. He and his tray both fell; the former landing on the latter.
"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha! Haha!" Haroldo James Potter (something hard) was doing 'The Dance of Mocking' as Draco pulled bits of this and that out of his hair.
"You're gonna pay for that one Malfoy!" Ron rattled his money jar in front of the bleached ungelled Slytherin babe's nose, but he took no notice of the poor, for he was occupied by the retreating figure of a certain Lioness.
"Males here!" Grindylow #23 hissed.
"Yes Luna, we know there a males here." Dean T put up his West Coast Choppers poster.
"The first puppy has arrived!" a bald French-Canadian mimed.
Pandomonium erupted as per usual with the students covering their food in vain from the shower of owl droppings and feathers that were raining down upon the hall. Harry noticed 'A Big Package for Harry' that was sitting next to him all of a sudden.
"Why am I such a freak Hedwig?" he said while snipping off the wizz string.
"Well Harry, I've been talking to Treffor, and we came to the conclusion that you need to experiment with boys," Hedwig stroked Harry's chinny-chin-chin.
"Thats great Hedwig," Harry acknowleged the bird.
"Why don't you open your present Harry?" The snowy owl pecked Harry's thigh lightly.
"Enimies of the air beware!" Thresteral #396.
Harry swished his wand and chanted 'Unwrappo Presidento!' and motioned for the present to stand.
The sight was unbearable.
Voldemort, was stark naked and gnashing his teeth meanacingly.
Harry awoke on the floor with his scar on fire, "I feel a strange sensation... what is this strange sensation?"
"Harry you're drunk! You're.... wizz drunk!" Chow mimed using Cedric as a dummy.
"No RON- no!!" Seamus did a jig, an Irish jig that is.
"Bloody brilliant George!" Fred congratulated his twin for doing nothing. Nothing at all.
"Why do you wear that thing Dobby? Take it off Dobby-"
But this time Harry never awoke. He never awoke again.
Fin.
A.N: No more chapters EVER unless we get 2173 reviews! Come on guys, get Penny-wise!