The Inheritance
INT. Jerry's Apartment
JERRY & GEORGE
George: You know what? I'm thinking of buying a parrot.
Jerry: A parrot. Hmm. Now there's an interesting idea.
George: No really. Think about it. It doesn't question my authority, it just repeats whatever I say. I am its master. It answers only to me. (Chuckles). No really. What do you think?
Jerry: What do I think? I think the bird would last a month, before it gnaws its way through the cage and admits itself to an institution.
George: Yeah well, I gotta go.
Jerry: Oh yeah, where you going?
George: Aww, my Uncle Hugo is in hospital, and apparently it's my duty as a nephew to visit him.
Jerry: Never knew you had an uncle.
George: Yeah. He used to be a radio broadcaster back in Italy. Hey I'm not obligated to bring him flowers or a balloon or anything am I?
Jerry: Hmm. Depends. What's he in hospital for?
George: Errr... I don't know. Routine surgery I think.
Jerry: Routine surgery? Nahh. A card should do.
George: A card? I don't believe this. You see what's happening here don't you? Society has made it impossible to visit someone who is ill, unless you give them a gift. This is pathetic.
Jerry: A card is hardly a gift.
George: Ahhh... Who cares! (Slams door behind him).
*****
INT. Elaine's Office
Elaine typing at computer. Mr. Peterman walks in.
Peterman: Ahh Elaine. Just the person I wanted to see. I need you to run this portfolio over to a business associate of mine. (Puts folder on desk).
Elaine: Mr Peterman. I'm sort of swamped with work. I'm reviewing the catalogue right now and....
Peterman: Well this is very important. If you are unable to complete this task... I'm sure I could find someone who can.
Elaine: Umm... I'll... I'll get right onto it Mr. Peterman.
Peterman: Good. It's very important. And be careful - that's the only copy. An old friend of mine is offering us a dirt cheap billboard campaign. (Laughs to himself). Yes this should certainly make up for our recent financial losses. (Leaves the office smiling).
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry in kitchen making some cereal. Kramer bursts in.
Kramer: Well Jerry this is it.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I lost at the race track again. But this time I'm finished. It's gone. All gone.
Jerry: All of it?
Kramer: Well basically. I only have enough money for food to last another week.
(Kramer picks up spoon of counter, and takes a bite of Jerry's bowl of cereal).
Kramer: You weren't going to eat that were you?
Jerry: Of course not. What would I be thinking?
Buzzer sounds.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: It's me.
Jerry: Ok. (Buzzes him up and walks back to kitchen).
Kramer: So I don't know what I'm going to do.
Jerry: Yes this certainly is quite a conundrum.
Kramer: Yeah well I need work and I need it now.
Jerry: (Points to coffee table) The newspapers over there if you want to look for a job.
Kramer: Oh no! I'm not going to work for someone else.
Jerry: Oh, of course not.
Kramer: No. I'm thinking of establishing my own business.
(George Enters).
George: Guess what?
Jerry: What? What happened?
George: My Uncle Hugo just died.
Jerry: He died? How could this happen. I thought it was routine surgery.
George: (Shrugs) I was wrong. It wasn't routine surgery. He was having a brain tumor removed.
Jerry: Huh. Yeah, you probably should have bought him a balloon then.
George: I can't believe this. I didn't even see him. He'd already gone by the time I got there.
Kramer: I never knew you had an uncle.
George: Yeah he was an Italian immigrant. And get this. He left me something in his will. (George grins).
Jerry: You can't even afford him a balloon, as he lies on his deathbed. Yet you wind up as the heir to his riches. Hmmmm.
Kramer: Well you certainly hit the jackpot buddy.
George: Yeah I'm actually going to be financially secure now. This guy was a highly successful broadcaster. He must have been rolling in cash. He had no children, so he decided to look after his favorite nephew George. (George bursts into laughter).
Kramer: Yeah well I wish I had some of your luck. Maybe you could pick me a horse.
George: You know, I'm picking up my inheritance tomorrow, how about after that we go to the race track. I never went to the track before.
Jerry: Maybe because before you had no money.
George: That's probably it. So anyway Kramer. You want to go?
(Kramer thinks for a moment).
Kramer: Ahh what the heck. I'm down.
Jerry: Kramer you know this is a bad idea.
Kramer: But with George's luck here, we can't lose.
*****
INT. Kramer's Apartment
Kramer sitting on couch watching TV. There's a knock at the door. Kramer looks through peephole to see Newman eagerly waiting. Kramer opens the door.
Newman: Kramer! I need help.
Kramer: Well what is it?
Newman: We just started a postal strike and the USPS isn't budging. Anyway I don't know how long it will be till I'm back in work. And I'm a bit strapped for cash, and...
Kramer: ...Well I'd like to help you man, but I just lost big at the races. I'm going back tomorrow, and ohhhhhhhh I'm feeling lucky.
Newman: How can you be so sure?
Kramer: I'm going with George. He's on a hot streak man. He just inherited a fortune from a rich uncle. Oh he's in the zone.
Newman: So Costanza hit the jackpot?
Kramer: Yep. Say, why don't you come with us to the track? We're going to make a killing. I'm sure of it.
Newman: I might just do that.
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry on Couch Elaine in Kitchen
Elaine: Peterman's given me this stupid portfolio, and I have to go across town to deliver it for him. Who does he think I am, his messenger?
Jerry: What kind of portfolio?
Elaine: Oh some stupid advertising package or something. It isn't my job to cart his stupid work all over town. I've got work myself. I hate this stupid thing. (She slams the portfolio onto the kitchen bench).
Kramer bursts through.
Kramer: Hey Jerry! You got any matches?
Jerry: Yeah, why?
Kramer: I'm roasting marshmallows.
Elaine: In your apartment?
Kramer: Where else? Well you got any matches?
Jerry: Yeah I got some. (Reaches under counter and grabs the matches, gives them to Kramer). Here you go. Now, you need anything else? (Says sarcastically).
Kramer: Well you got any fire wood?
Jerry: Fire wood? No, I'm fresh out. I got some newspaper over there if you want that.
Kramer: No, No, No Jerry. I need something thick. Newspaper? (Shakes his head in disgust).
Elaine: (Looking in refrigerator). Jerry, you got any apple juice?
Jerry: Top shelf, down the back.
Phone rings and Jerry answers it. His conversation is faintly heard in background. Kramer glances down and notices Elaine's portfolio on the table.
Kramer: Now this is nice and thick. (Picks up the portfolio and leaves). Thanks Jerry!
Elaine hasn't noticed what has just happened because she was looking in the refrigerator.
Jerry: (On phone) Okay, see you in a few minutes. (Hangs up). That was George, he's dropping by on his way to the lawyers.
Elaine: (Drinking juice). Lawyers, what is he getting sued or something? (Laughs).
Jerry: No, in fact he is inheriting quite a sum from his uncle.
Elaine: Really? George had an uncle?
Jerry: Yeah, he was a radio broadcaster back in Italy.
Elaine: Really? Wouldn't have picked that. Oh well I gotta drop off this portfolio too the billboard guy.
Jerry: Peterman's launching a new billboard campaign?
Elaine: Yeah, apparently. Where is that portfolio?
Jerry: Don't know, saw you put it on the bench.
Elaine: Yeah... Hey, what's that smell?
Jerry: (Sniffs) Oh that'd be Kramer with his marshmallows. (Gasps).
Elaine: What? What is it?
Kramer bursts in, holding the half burnt portfolio, covered in dark ashes.
Kramer: This stupid folder ruined my marshmallows. It's full of printed toxic oils and stuff. Yuck! What is this anyway?
Elaine: Oh No! Please tell me that's not the Peterman's Portfolio!
Kramer: Well whatever it is it's terrible quality ink. And where's this paper manufactured, South America? It's horrible. I'd have an easier time burning sandpaper.
Elaine: How could you do this? Just... just pick up someone else's belongings and... and burn them!?!?
Kramer: Well what about me? My marshmallow barbecue is a complete disaster.
Elaine: I can't believe this, I'm going to get fired.
Jerry: Oh come on. Fired, over this?
Elaine: Yes! Peterman's been going on about financial losses and how we need publicity.
Kramer: Now Elaine I'm sorry about your portfolio, but quite frankly, I think you're being a bit selfish. (Kramer leaves).
Elaine: I don't believe him.
Buzzer sounds.
George: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
Elaine. If it was like an accident I could understand. But he blatantly stole and burnt it. How will I break it to Peterman?
Jerry: Very gently. Maybe send him flowers or a balloon.
George enters.
George: (With wide grin). Hello everybody. Just thought I'd drop by, on my way to pick up my inheritance. (Laughs).
Elaine: Cram it Costanza. We've got bigger issues. You know what happened to me my portf...
George: ...Yeah that's too bad, so Jerry, want to come down to the lawyers office? After that we're going to the race track. (Grinning even wider).
Jerry: You know I'd love to... But I've got to do something.
George: Ok. Elaine, how about you?
Elaine: I think I'll pass.
George: Ok. But I'll be back. (Leaves).
George in Hallway
Knocks on Kramer's door. Kramer opens it.
George: Kramer, ready to go to the lawyers, and the race track?
Kramer: Yeah ok, let's go. I'll go get Newman.
George: Newman? Why's he coming?
Kramer: He wants part of the jackpot too.
*****
EXT. Street.
George, Kramer, and Newman walking on sidewalk. They turn into lawyers office.
INT. Lawyers Office
George, Kramer, Newman and Receptionist.
George: Hello, I'm George Costanza. I'm here for my inheritance.
Receptionist: Ahh yes. Mr. Costanza. Right through there.
George walks into the office. Kramer and Newman stay at the reception.
INT. Office of Mr. Bankstown
George enters room. Bankstown sitting behind desk.
George: Hi. I'm George Costanza, here for my inheritance.
Bankstown: Ahh Mr. Costanza take a seat. Harold Bankstown's the name.
George: So Mr. Bankstown. How much will I actually be receiving?
Bankstown: Oh a considerable amount.
George: So when can I pick it up?
Bankstown: You can take it right now if you like. It's just taking up space in my office.
George: Your office? Umm.. Ok. Where is it exactly?
Bankstown: Right there. (Points to the corner of office).
George: (Looks to the corner). Err? What? Is it behind that pile of junk or something?
Bankstown: Ahh No Mr. Costanza. That pile of junk is your inheritance.
George: (Stunned). I...I...I don't understand.
Bankstown: Well your Uncle Hugo left you his collection of vintage radio broadcasting equipment.
George's head sinks into his hands.
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry and Elaine.
Jerry: Well, could you just make it up to Peterman somehow?
Elaine: I can't think of anything. He said this billboard guy was an old friend of his.
*****
INT. Lawyers Office
Kramer, Newman and Receptionist. George walks back in.
Kramer: Hey George! How much you get?
George: Not as much as I had hoped.
Newman: Now that's too bad. (Snickering to himself).
Kramer: So what did you get exactly?
George: You wanna know what I got? You wanna know what I got! I got a pile of junk!
Kramer: Junk?
George: Yes! Junk! That's what it is. Junk! It's old radio equipment or something.
Kramer: Oh yeah. He was a broadcaster wasn't he?
George: You know what I'm going to do? I refuse to take it! It can clutter up his office all he likes!
Kramer: It's here right now?
George: Yeah sure it is! Pile of trash!
Kramer: Well if you don't want it, Newman and I will take it.
George: You want it, you can take it!
Kramer: Really? Thanks buddy!
George: My pleasure. You can have that junk. (Hesitates). Well... Maybe give me $20 for it.
*****
INT. Monk's Restaurant
Jerry, George and Elaine.
Elaine: Old radio equipment? (Laughing).
George: Yes! Yes ok!
Jerry: What ever happened to George the millionaire? (Laughing)
George: Yeah...Yeah...ok..Everybody laugh at George's expense.
Elaine: So did you pickup this radio equipment?
George: No, no, no. I don't want anything to do with that junk. I sold it to Kramer and Newman for $20.
Jerry: But did you end up going to the race track anyway?
George: Are you kidding? I could barely walk out of the Lawyer's office. I nearly had a heart attack.
Jerry: Well look on the bright side.
George: Yeah, and what's that?
Jerry: It could have been worse.
George: Yeah, I don't see how though.
Elaine: What about me? I still don't know what I'm going to do about the Peterman Portfolio.
George: What happened?
Elaine: Stupid Kramer burnt it.
Jerry: Surely Peterman would have made another copy.
Elaine: No, he specifically said this was the only copy.
George: Why don't you just quit? That's what I'd do.
Elaine: Yeah well George, not all of us are lucky enough to have rich uncles like you. (Laughs).
George: Yeah well I'm off to..to do something.
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry and Elaine
Elaine: Ok listen to this.
Jerry: Ok.
Elaine: I was on the subway to deliver the portfolio.
Jerry: Right.
Elaine: And a mugger took the portfolio!
Jerry: What would a mugger want with the Peterman Portfolio?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just an idea.
Kramer and Newman enter, carrying some of the radio equipment.
Kramer: Guess what Jerry? Me and Newman are starting our own radio station!
Elaine: Don't you need a licence or something for that?
Kramer: Well sure. If you have a spare $500,000 in your pocket.
Jerry: You're running a pirate radio station?
Kramer: It's the perfect plan. I got no job, and Newman's on strike. It's the ultimate money making scheme!
Jerry: Don't tell me your using George's antique radio equipment.
Kramer: It's as good as new Jerry! They don't make 'em like they used to.
Jerry: You even know how to work it?
Newman: It comes with an instruction booklet.
Kramer: It's written in Italian. But we'll cope.
Jerry: What the heck are you going to put on a radio station?
Kramer: Well ahh... we're still discussing the finer details.
Jerry: How are you possibly making money out of this?
Kramer: We're selling advertising spots. We just signed on the bagel shop down the street, and we're looking to expand.
Elaine: Hold on. You say you're doing advertising?
Kramer: Well sure.
Elaine: This could replace the Peterman Portfolio! Could you cut me a good deal Kramer?
Kramer : For you? First two weeks free!
Elaine: Thanks Kramer! I've got to go tell Peterman!
Elaine leaves in a rush.
Jerry: Where are you going to setup this radio station?
Kramer: In my apartment. We're gonna run the antenna out my window.
Jerry: You do realize the FBI are constantly monitoring for pirate radio stations?
Kramer and Newman laugh.
Kramer: Jerry, please. The FBI are too busy with Roswell and Area 51 to care about a harmless little radio station. Come on Jerry. I thought you were wiser than that.
Jerry: My mistake.
*****
INT. Peterman's Office.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I needed to talk to you about that billboard thing.
Peterman: Ahh yes the billboard campaign. I just know this idea is a winner.
Elaine: Well about that. You know that statistics show that radio advertising is... errr... 120% more effective than billboard advertising.
Peterman: What are you saying Elaine?
Elaine: It would be much better for the business, if we advertised on radio instead of billboards.
Peterman: But Elaine, my old friend assured me this would be a good investment.
Elaine: Look, Mr. Peterman. You just have to trust me on this one.
Peterman: Ok Elaine. But if this campaign doesn't come off, don't bother coming back.
Elaine gulps.
*****
INT. Kramer's Apartment
Kramer and Newman wearing headsets and microphones. Surrounded by the radio equipment, and piles of CD's and records.
Kramer: Hello, and this is the K-man.
Newman: And this is err...New-man.
Kramer: And welcome to the newest, hippest, coolest radio station around, Kramerica Airwaves. Now a word from a sponsors.
Newman: Do you feel like a Bagel? Well why not go down to Bagel City. Go down there and buy a bagel. They're tasty.
Kramer: Now its time for some music, and here's an 80's classic.
(Music plays).
*****
INT. FBI Secret HQ
Various men in dark suits and glasses, sitting at computers.
Agent Hammond: Delroy! We're picking up fresh pirate signals.
Agent Delroy: Ok pinpoint the location.
Agent Hammond: Ok. Wait a second. It's not working!
Agent Delroy: How can that be?
Agent Hammond: It could be either of two things. Their using some new groundbreaking signal jamming system. Or their using vintage pre 1960 equipment that our scanners can't pickup. The latter is highly unlikely.
Agent Delroy: Well, tune into the station and see what you can hear.
*****
INT. Elaine's office
Dialling on the phone.
Elaine: Hello Kramer?
Newman: This is Newman.
Elaine: Newman I need you to do a Peterman commercial now!
Newman: Yeah, Yeah, we'll get to it sometime.
Elaine: Do it now or I'll torch your stupid radio equipment!
Newman: Ok Ok. So what should we say?
Elaine: I don't know. Anything. Just be quick.
*****
INT. Monk's Restaurant
Jerry and George.
George: They started a radio station?
Jerry: Yeah, they're getting pretty serious about it too.
George: Yeah?
Jerry: Well they're getting money from advertising.
George: Money?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well I'm entitled to some of the revenue. It's my equipment!
Jerry: Actually you sold it for 20 bucks.
George: No. That was a mistake. I'm going up there right now to sought this all out.
*****
INT. Kramer's apartment.
Kramer and Newman.
Kramer: And we're back. It's now time for the weather report. (Looks at newspaper weather section). Today will be sunny. Tomorrow Cloudy. And Thursday should bring gale force winds. Now time for some messages from our sponsors.
Newman: Is your wardrobe terrible? Do you have no good clothes to wear? Then check out the Peterman Catalogue. You'll be glad you did.
***** INT. FBI Secret HQ
Agent Hammond: Delroy! We're picking up a commercial.
Agent Delroy: A commercial. What for?
Agent Hammond: Ahhh.. Something about "Peterman."
Agent Delroy: The clothing guy? We need to swoop on those offices. We're bringing Peterman down with the full extent of the law!
*****
INT. Kramer's Apartment
Knocking at door.
George: Kramer! Kramer! I want my share of the money! Kramer!
Kramer: Newman, get rid of him! We're working here.
Newman walks to door.
George: Kramer!
Newman: Get out of here Costanza! You had your chance and you passed.
George reluctantly stays quiet.
Kramer: Hey Newman. Order a pizza, I'm hungry. And get a soda too.
*****
INT. Hallway
George looking very frustrated. Jerry arrives and starts unlocking his apartment.
Jerry: Forget about it George, it's illegal money anyway.
George: Illegal? Oh. Did you tell them that?
Jerry: Yeah but they don't care.
They enter his apartment.
Phone Rings
Jerry: Hello?
Elaine: Jerry! Where's Kramer? He's not answering!
Jerry: Well he's next door, broadcasting.
Elaine: The FBI just raided the offices! They took Peterman into custody.
Jerry: The FBI?!?
George: Huh? The FBI? What's going on?
Jerry signals George to be quiet.
Elaine: They must have heard Kramer's stupid radio commercial.
Jerry: Hmm.. That can't be good. So Peterman actually let you advertise on a pirate radio station?
Elaine: Well, I kind of left out the pirate part. But, yeah.
Jerry: Hmm...Quite a conundrum you got yourself there.
Elaine: Well I hope the feds come and get Kramer soon. (Laughing). If I'm going down I want to bring him down with me.
Jerry: I gotta go. (Hangs up).
Jerry walks out, knocks on Kramer's door.
Jerry: Kramer! Kramer! The feds are coming! You got to stop broadcasting!
Newman: Yeah, yeah. We know what you're up to Seinfeld. You and Costanza can forget about our money.
Jerry: Ahhh. Ok, have it your way. But you have been warned.
Jerry walks back into his apartment.
*****
INT. Hallway
Pizza delivery guy walks by, knocks on door.
Pizza Guy: Pizza!
INT. Kramer's apartment
Kramer: Make sure it's not Jerry or George.
Newman looks through peephole, then opens door.
Pizza Guy: Here you go sir, 1 Large Hawaiian and a bottle of Pepsi.
Newman: About time. (Snatches pizza and Pepsi. Throws some money at Pizza Guy and slams the door).
***** INT. FBI prison cell
Interrogator and Peterman.
Interrogator: Ok Peterman, this is your last chance. Where is the broadcast coming from?
Peterman: And for the final time, I don't know what you're talking about!
Interrogator: Well what do you call this? (Turns on radio).
Kramer (on radio): Now time for another of our sponsor's messengers.
Newman (on radio): Is your wardrobe terrible? Do you have no good clothes to wear? Then check out the Peterman Catalogue. You'll be glad you did.
Peterman: No it can't be. Elaine?
*****
INT. Kramer's apartment
Kramer and Newman stuffing down pizza and Pepsi.
Newman: Mmmm... This sure is good pizza.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Quickly, we got another minute before the song finishes.
Newman: Pass me the Pepsi will you.
Kramer chucks the half full Pepsi bottle to Newman. Newman reaches out to grab it. The camera goes into slow motion. Newman juggles the Pepsi for several seconds. He nearly drops it, but regains control. But then he drops it again. It falls, and spills all over the radio equipment. It short circuits, and electric sparks fly everywhere. Kramer and Newman are electrocuted.
*****
INT. Jerry's apartment
Jerry and George watching TV.
Kramer opens the door. He slowly walks in. He looks normal. Then Newman walks in. His hair has gone on end and looks just like Kramer's. Newman's glasses are shattered. Camera zooms in on his stunned face, and end credits play.
INT. Jerry's Apartment
JERRY & GEORGE
George: You know what? I'm thinking of buying a parrot.
Jerry: A parrot. Hmm. Now there's an interesting idea.
George: No really. Think about it. It doesn't question my authority, it just repeats whatever I say. I am its master. It answers only to me. (Chuckles). No really. What do you think?
Jerry: What do I think? I think the bird would last a month, before it gnaws its way through the cage and admits itself to an institution.
George: Yeah well, I gotta go.
Jerry: Oh yeah, where you going?
George: Aww, my Uncle Hugo is in hospital, and apparently it's my duty as a nephew to visit him.
Jerry: Never knew you had an uncle.
George: Yeah. He used to be a radio broadcaster back in Italy. Hey I'm not obligated to bring him flowers or a balloon or anything am I?
Jerry: Hmm. Depends. What's he in hospital for?
George: Errr... I don't know. Routine surgery I think.
Jerry: Routine surgery? Nahh. A card should do.
George: A card? I don't believe this. You see what's happening here don't you? Society has made it impossible to visit someone who is ill, unless you give them a gift. This is pathetic.
Jerry: A card is hardly a gift.
George: Ahhh... Who cares! (Slams door behind him).
*****
INT. Elaine's Office
Elaine typing at computer. Mr. Peterman walks in.
Peterman: Ahh Elaine. Just the person I wanted to see. I need you to run this portfolio over to a business associate of mine. (Puts folder on desk).
Elaine: Mr Peterman. I'm sort of swamped with work. I'm reviewing the catalogue right now and....
Peterman: Well this is very important. If you are unable to complete this task... I'm sure I could find someone who can.
Elaine: Umm... I'll... I'll get right onto it Mr. Peterman.
Peterman: Good. It's very important. And be careful - that's the only copy. An old friend of mine is offering us a dirt cheap billboard campaign. (Laughs to himself). Yes this should certainly make up for our recent financial losses. (Leaves the office smiling).
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry in kitchen making some cereal. Kramer bursts in.
Kramer: Well Jerry this is it.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I lost at the race track again. But this time I'm finished. It's gone. All gone.
Jerry: All of it?
Kramer: Well basically. I only have enough money for food to last another week.
(Kramer picks up spoon of counter, and takes a bite of Jerry's bowl of cereal).
Kramer: You weren't going to eat that were you?
Jerry: Of course not. What would I be thinking?
Buzzer sounds.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: It's me.
Jerry: Ok. (Buzzes him up and walks back to kitchen).
Kramer: So I don't know what I'm going to do.
Jerry: Yes this certainly is quite a conundrum.
Kramer: Yeah well I need work and I need it now.
Jerry: (Points to coffee table) The newspapers over there if you want to look for a job.
Kramer: Oh no! I'm not going to work for someone else.
Jerry: Oh, of course not.
Kramer: No. I'm thinking of establishing my own business.
(George Enters).
George: Guess what?
Jerry: What? What happened?
George: My Uncle Hugo just died.
Jerry: He died? How could this happen. I thought it was routine surgery.
George: (Shrugs) I was wrong. It wasn't routine surgery. He was having a brain tumor removed.
Jerry: Huh. Yeah, you probably should have bought him a balloon then.
George: I can't believe this. I didn't even see him. He'd already gone by the time I got there.
Kramer: I never knew you had an uncle.
George: Yeah he was an Italian immigrant. And get this. He left me something in his will. (George grins).
Jerry: You can't even afford him a balloon, as he lies on his deathbed. Yet you wind up as the heir to his riches. Hmmmm.
Kramer: Well you certainly hit the jackpot buddy.
George: Yeah I'm actually going to be financially secure now. This guy was a highly successful broadcaster. He must have been rolling in cash. He had no children, so he decided to look after his favorite nephew George. (George bursts into laughter).
Kramer: Yeah well I wish I had some of your luck. Maybe you could pick me a horse.
George: You know, I'm picking up my inheritance tomorrow, how about after that we go to the race track. I never went to the track before.
Jerry: Maybe because before you had no money.
George: That's probably it. So anyway Kramer. You want to go?
(Kramer thinks for a moment).
Kramer: Ahh what the heck. I'm down.
Jerry: Kramer you know this is a bad idea.
Kramer: But with George's luck here, we can't lose.
*****
INT. Kramer's Apartment
Kramer sitting on couch watching TV. There's a knock at the door. Kramer looks through peephole to see Newman eagerly waiting. Kramer opens the door.
Newman: Kramer! I need help.
Kramer: Well what is it?
Newman: We just started a postal strike and the USPS isn't budging. Anyway I don't know how long it will be till I'm back in work. And I'm a bit strapped for cash, and...
Kramer: ...Well I'd like to help you man, but I just lost big at the races. I'm going back tomorrow, and ohhhhhhhh I'm feeling lucky.
Newman: How can you be so sure?
Kramer: I'm going with George. He's on a hot streak man. He just inherited a fortune from a rich uncle. Oh he's in the zone.
Newman: So Costanza hit the jackpot?
Kramer: Yep. Say, why don't you come with us to the track? We're going to make a killing. I'm sure of it.
Newman: I might just do that.
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry on Couch Elaine in Kitchen
Elaine: Peterman's given me this stupid portfolio, and I have to go across town to deliver it for him. Who does he think I am, his messenger?
Jerry: What kind of portfolio?
Elaine: Oh some stupid advertising package or something. It isn't my job to cart his stupid work all over town. I've got work myself. I hate this stupid thing. (She slams the portfolio onto the kitchen bench).
Kramer bursts through.
Kramer: Hey Jerry! You got any matches?
Jerry: Yeah, why?
Kramer: I'm roasting marshmallows.
Elaine: In your apartment?
Kramer: Where else? Well you got any matches?
Jerry: Yeah I got some. (Reaches under counter and grabs the matches, gives them to Kramer). Here you go. Now, you need anything else? (Says sarcastically).
Kramer: Well you got any fire wood?
Jerry: Fire wood? No, I'm fresh out. I got some newspaper over there if you want that.
Kramer: No, No, No Jerry. I need something thick. Newspaper? (Shakes his head in disgust).
Elaine: (Looking in refrigerator). Jerry, you got any apple juice?
Jerry: Top shelf, down the back.
Phone rings and Jerry answers it. His conversation is faintly heard in background. Kramer glances down and notices Elaine's portfolio on the table.
Kramer: Now this is nice and thick. (Picks up the portfolio and leaves). Thanks Jerry!
Elaine hasn't noticed what has just happened because she was looking in the refrigerator.
Jerry: (On phone) Okay, see you in a few minutes. (Hangs up). That was George, he's dropping by on his way to the lawyers.
Elaine: (Drinking juice). Lawyers, what is he getting sued or something? (Laughs).
Jerry: No, in fact he is inheriting quite a sum from his uncle.
Elaine: Really? George had an uncle?
Jerry: Yeah, he was a radio broadcaster back in Italy.
Elaine: Really? Wouldn't have picked that. Oh well I gotta drop off this portfolio too the billboard guy.
Jerry: Peterman's launching a new billboard campaign?
Elaine: Yeah, apparently. Where is that portfolio?
Jerry: Don't know, saw you put it on the bench.
Elaine: Yeah... Hey, what's that smell?
Jerry: (Sniffs) Oh that'd be Kramer with his marshmallows. (Gasps).
Elaine: What? What is it?
Kramer bursts in, holding the half burnt portfolio, covered in dark ashes.
Kramer: This stupid folder ruined my marshmallows. It's full of printed toxic oils and stuff. Yuck! What is this anyway?
Elaine: Oh No! Please tell me that's not the Peterman's Portfolio!
Kramer: Well whatever it is it's terrible quality ink. And where's this paper manufactured, South America? It's horrible. I'd have an easier time burning sandpaper.
Elaine: How could you do this? Just... just pick up someone else's belongings and... and burn them!?!?
Kramer: Well what about me? My marshmallow barbecue is a complete disaster.
Elaine: I can't believe this, I'm going to get fired.
Jerry: Oh come on. Fired, over this?
Elaine: Yes! Peterman's been going on about financial losses and how we need publicity.
Kramer: Now Elaine I'm sorry about your portfolio, but quite frankly, I think you're being a bit selfish. (Kramer leaves).
Elaine: I don't believe him.
Buzzer sounds.
George: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
Elaine. If it was like an accident I could understand. But he blatantly stole and burnt it. How will I break it to Peterman?
Jerry: Very gently. Maybe send him flowers or a balloon.
George enters.
George: (With wide grin). Hello everybody. Just thought I'd drop by, on my way to pick up my inheritance. (Laughs).
Elaine: Cram it Costanza. We've got bigger issues. You know what happened to me my portf...
George: ...Yeah that's too bad, so Jerry, want to come down to the lawyers office? After that we're going to the race track. (Grinning even wider).
Jerry: You know I'd love to... But I've got to do something.
George: Ok. Elaine, how about you?
Elaine: I think I'll pass.
George: Ok. But I'll be back. (Leaves).
George in Hallway
Knocks on Kramer's door. Kramer opens it.
George: Kramer, ready to go to the lawyers, and the race track?
Kramer: Yeah ok, let's go. I'll go get Newman.
George: Newman? Why's he coming?
Kramer: He wants part of the jackpot too.
*****
EXT. Street.
George, Kramer, and Newman walking on sidewalk. They turn into lawyers office.
INT. Lawyers Office
George, Kramer, Newman and Receptionist.
George: Hello, I'm George Costanza. I'm here for my inheritance.
Receptionist: Ahh yes. Mr. Costanza. Right through there.
George walks into the office. Kramer and Newman stay at the reception.
INT. Office of Mr. Bankstown
George enters room. Bankstown sitting behind desk.
George: Hi. I'm George Costanza, here for my inheritance.
Bankstown: Ahh Mr. Costanza take a seat. Harold Bankstown's the name.
George: So Mr. Bankstown. How much will I actually be receiving?
Bankstown: Oh a considerable amount.
George: So when can I pick it up?
Bankstown: You can take it right now if you like. It's just taking up space in my office.
George: Your office? Umm.. Ok. Where is it exactly?
Bankstown: Right there. (Points to the corner of office).
George: (Looks to the corner). Err? What? Is it behind that pile of junk or something?
Bankstown: Ahh No Mr. Costanza. That pile of junk is your inheritance.
George: (Stunned). I...I...I don't understand.
Bankstown: Well your Uncle Hugo left you his collection of vintage radio broadcasting equipment.
George's head sinks into his hands.
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry and Elaine.
Jerry: Well, could you just make it up to Peterman somehow?
Elaine: I can't think of anything. He said this billboard guy was an old friend of his.
*****
INT. Lawyers Office
Kramer, Newman and Receptionist. George walks back in.
Kramer: Hey George! How much you get?
George: Not as much as I had hoped.
Newman: Now that's too bad. (Snickering to himself).
Kramer: So what did you get exactly?
George: You wanna know what I got? You wanna know what I got! I got a pile of junk!
Kramer: Junk?
George: Yes! Junk! That's what it is. Junk! It's old radio equipment or something.
Kramer: Oh yeah. He was a broadcaster wasn't he?
George: You know what I'm going to do? I refuse to take it! It can clutter up his office all he likes!
Kramer: It's here right now?
George: Yeah sure it is! Pile of trash!
Kramer: Well if you don't want it, Newman and I will take it.
George: You want it, you can take it!
Kramer: Really? Thanks buddy!
George: My pleasure. You can have that junk. (Hesitates). Well... Maybe give me $20 for it.
*****
INT. Monk's Restaurant
Jerry, George and Elaine.
Elaine: Old radio equipment? (Laughing).
George: Yes! Yes ok!
Jerry: What ever happened to George the millionaire? (Laughing)
George: Yeah...Yeah...ok..Everybody laugh at George's expense.
Elaine: So did you pickup this radio equipment?
George: No, no, no. I don't want anything to do with that junk. I sold it to Kramer and Newman for $20.
Jerry: But did you end up going to the race track anyway?
George: Are you kidding? I could barely walk out of the Lawyer's office. I nearly had a heart attack.
Jerry: Well look on the bright side.
George: Yeah, and what's that?
Jerry: It could have been worse.
George: Yeah, I don't see how though.
Elaine: What about me? I still don't know what I'm going to do about the Peterman Portfolio.
George: What happened?
Elaine: Stupid Kramer burnt it.
Jerry: Surely Peterman would have made another copy.
Elaine: No, he specifically said this was the only copy.
George: Why don't you just quit? That's what I'd do.
Elaine: Yeah well George, not all of us are lucky enough to have rich uncles like you. (Laughs).
George: Yeah well I'm off to..to do something.
*****
INT. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry and Elaine
Elaine: Ok listen to this.
Jerry: Ok.
Elaine: I was on the subway to deliver the portfolio.
Jerry: Right.
Elaine: And a mugger took the portfolio!
Jerry: What would a mugger want with the Peterman Portfolio?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just an idea.
Kramer and Newman enter, carrying some of the radio equipment.
Kramer: Guess what Jerry? Me and Newman are starting our own radio station!
Elaine: Don't you need a licence or something for that?
Kramer: Well sure. If you have a spare $500,000 in your pocket.
Jerry: You're running a pirate radio station?
Kramer: It's the perfect plan. I got no job, and Newman's on strike. It's the ultimate money making scheme!
Jerry: Don't tell me your using George's antique radio equipment.
Kramer: It's as good as new Jerry! They don't make 'em like they used to.
Jerry: You even know how to work it?
Newman: It comes with an instruction booklet.
Kramer: It's written in Italian. But we'll cope.
Jerry: What the heck are you going to put on a radio station?
Kramer: Well ahh... we're still discussing the finer details.
Jerry: How are you possibly making money out of this?
Kramer: We're selling advertising spots. We just signed on the bagel shop down the street, and we're looking to expand.
Elaine: Hold on. You say you're doing advertising?
Kramer: Well sure.
Elaine: This could replace the Peterman Portfolio! Could you cut me a good deal Kramer?
Kramer : For you? First two weeks free!
Elaine: Thanks Kramer! I've got to go tell Peterman!
Elaine leaves in a rush.
Jerry: Where are you going to setup this radio station?
Kramer: In my apartment. We're gonna run the antenna out my window.
Jerry: You do realize the FBI are constantly monitoring for pirate radio stations?
Kramer and Newman laugh.
Kramer: Jerry, please. The FBI are too busy with Roswell and Area 51 to care about a harmless little radio station. Come on Jerry. I thought you were wiser than that.
Jerry: My mistake.
*****
INT. Peterman's Office.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I needed to talk to you about that billboard thing.
Peterman: Ahh yes the billboard campaign. I just know this idea is a winner.
Elaine: Well about that. You know that statistics show that radio advertising is... errr... 120% more effective than billboard advertising.
Peterman: What are you saying Elaine?
Elaine: It would be much better for the business, if we advertised on radio instead of billboards.
Peterman: But Elaine, my old friend assured me this would be a good investment.
Elaine: Look, Mr. Peterman. You just have to trust me on this one.
Peterman: Ok Elaine. But if this campaign doesn't come off, don't bother coming back.
Elaine gulps.
*****
INT. Kramer's Apartment
Kramer and Newman wearing headsets and microphones. Surrounded by the radio equipment, and piles of CD's and records.
Kramer: Hello, and this is the K-man.
Newman: And this is err...New-man.
Kramer: And welcome to the newest, hippest, coolest radio station around, Kramerica Airwaves. Now a word from a sponsors.
Newman: Do you feel like a Bagel? Well why not go down to Bagel City. Go down there and buy a bagel. They're tasty.
Kramer: Now its time for some music, and here's an 80's classic.
(Music plays).
*****
INT. FBI Secret HQ
Various men in dark suits and glasses, sitting at computers.
Agent Hammond: Delroy! We're picking up fresh pirate signals.
Agent Delroy: Ok pinpoint the location.
Agent Hammond: Ok. Wait a second. It's not working!
Agent Delroy: How can that be?
Agent Hammond: It could be either of two things. Their using some new groundbreaking signal jamming system. Or their using vintage pre 1960 equipment that our scanners can't pickup. The latter is highly unlikely.
Agent Delroy: Well, tune into the station and see what you can hear.
*****
INT. Elaine's office
Dialling on the phone.
Elaine: Hello Kramer?
Newman: This is Newman.
Elaine: Newman I need you to do a Peterman commercial now!
Newman: Yeah, Yeah, we'll get to it sometime.
Elaine: Do it now or I'll torch your stupid radio equipment!
Newman: Ok Ok. So what should we say?
Elaine: I don't know. Anything. Just be quick.
*****
INT. Monk's Restaurant
Jerry and George.
George: They started a radio station?
Jerry: Yeah, they're getting pretty serious about it too.
George: Yeah?
Jerry: Well they're getting money from advertising.
George: Money?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well I'm entitled to some of the revenue. It's my equipment!
Jerry: Actually you sold it for 20 bucks.
George: No. That was a mistake. I'm going up there right now to sought this all out.
*****
INT. Kramer's apartment.
Kramer and Newman.
Kramer: And we're back. It's now time for the weather report. (Looks at newspaper weather section). Today will be sunny. Tomorrow Cloudy. And Thursday should bring gale force winds. Now time for some messages from our sponsors.
Newman: Is your wardrobe terrible? Do you have no good clothes to wear? Then check out the Peterman Catalogue. You'll be glad you did.
***** INT. FBI Secret HQ
Agent Hammond: Delroy! We're picking up a commercial.
Agent Delroy: A commercial. What for?
Agent Hammond: Ahhh.. Something about "Peterman."
Agent Delroy: The clothing guy? We need to swoop on those offices. We're bringing Peterman down with the full extent of the law!
*****
INT. Kramer's Apartment
Knocking at door.
George: Kramer! Kramer! I want my share of the money! Kramer!
Kramer: Newman, get rid of him! We're working here.
Newman walks to door.
George: Kramer!
Newman: Get out of here Costanza! You had your chance and you passed.
George reluctantly stays quiet.
Kramer: Hey Newman. Order a pizza, I'm hungry. And get a soda too.
*****
INT. Hallway
George looking very frustrated. Jerry arrives and starts unlocking his apartment.
Jerry: Forget about it George, it's illegal money anyway.
George: Illegal? Oh. Did you tell them that?
Jerry: Yeah but they don't care.
They enter his apartment.
Phone Rings
Jerry: Hello?
Elaine: Jerry! Where's Kramer? He's not answering!
Jerry: Well he's next door, broadcasting.
Elaine: The FBI just raided the offices! They took Peterman into custody.
Jerry: The FBI?!?
George: Huh? The FBI? What's going on?
Jerry signals George to be quiet.
Elaine: They must have heard Kramer's stupid radio commercial.
Jerry: Hmm.. That can't be good. So Peterman actually let you advertise on a pirate radio station?
Elaine: Well, I kind of left out the pirate part. But, yeah.
Jerry: Hmm...Quite a conundrum you got yourself there.
Elaine: Well I hope the feds come and get Kramer soon. (Laughing). If I'm going down I want to bring him down with me.
Jerry: I gotta go. (Hangs up).
Jerry walks out, knocks on Kramer's door.
Jerry: Kramer! Kramer! The feds are coming! You got to stop broadcasting!
Newman: Yeah, yeah. We know what you're up to Seinfeld. You and Costanza can forget about our money.
Jerry: Ahhh. Ok, have it your way. But you have been warned.
Jerry walks back into his apartment.
*****
INT. Hallway
Pizza delivery guy walks by, knocks on door.
Pizza Guy: Pizza!
INT. Kramer's apartment
Kramer: Make sure it's not Jerry or George.
Newman looks through peephole, then opens door.
Pizza Guy: Here you go sir, 1 Large Hawaiian and a bottle of Pepsi.
Newman: About time. (Snatches pizza and Pepsi. Throws some money at Pizza Guy and slams the door).
***** INT. FBI prison cell
Interrogator and Peterman.
Interrogator: Ok Peterman, this is your last chance. Where is the broadcast coming from?
Peterman: And for the final time, I don't know what you're talking about!
Interrogator: Well what do you call this? (Turns on radio).
Kramer (on radio): Now time for another of our sponsor's messengers.
Newman (on radio): Is your wardrobe terrible? Do you have no good clothes to wear? Then check out the Peterman Catalogue. You'll be glad you did.
Peterman: No it can't be. Elaine?
*****
INT. Kramer's apartment
Kramer and Newman stuffing down pizza and Pepsi.
Newman: Mmmm... This sure is good pizza.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Quickly, we got another minute before the song finishes.
Newman: Pass me the Pepsi will you.
Kramer chucks the half full Pepsi bottle to Newman. Newman reaches out to grab it. The camera goes into slow motion. Newman juggles the Pepsi for several seconds. He nearly drops it, but regains control. But then he drops it again. It falls, and spills all over the radio equipment. It short circuits, and electric sparks fly everywhere. Kramer and Newman are electrocuted.
*****
INT. Jerry's apartment
Jerry and George watching TV.
Kramer opens the door. He slowly walks in. He looks normal. Then Newman walks in. His hair has gone on end and looks just like Kramer's. Newman's glasses are shattered. Camera zooms in on his stunned face, and end credits play.