Chapter 5: Remembering You
Breathe.
She's breathing. She heard me. She came back and she'll be ok. She'll be ok. All will be fine. We'll see happier days. Come spring, we'll be in the meadows. Carefree like we always are. Counting clouds, arguing about which cloud is what, having those long talks of where we'll be one day, and how we're going to get there. If we'll still be friends. When we'll get married.
Marriage. It's unrealistic. No. We won't have those happy days anymore because come spring, I'll be married. Then summer. Summer when we would usually spent most of our days at the beach walking up and down the shores and finding crabs. Spending our time at our 'cove'. Our secret. Then again, that won't happen either because come summer, she'll be married. Our days are numbered.
We're leaving each other's shores if not already. Time blows by like the winter wind carrying away the last dried leaf of autumn. People leave and people change.
You changed. And perhaps, I have as well and I just don't know it.
Is that why you flinched when I tried to touch you? Did I really change all that much? If not that, then what? Something's wrong and you won't tell me. You always told me, but you're holding back. It's because I wasn't there, huh?
I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. You've always been afraid of doctors. You didn't like them. You asked if I could come, but I couldn't. I was too busy thinking about Kaho and myself; I wasn't there for you. And you were terrified. I've been there before. I once went with you. It was merely a check-up, but you were nevertheless worried and scared. That was why you drifted away from me. It must be why. I just wasn't there.
You're breathing is improving. God knows what happened last night, but if you had died, I wouldn't know how I was going to go through with this marriage. You, though. You were always there for me. You were and always will be giving, loving, and selfless. You took your time to be there for me. I remember well.
You were so infatuated with that one boy last year. He asked you to his prom, but you refused because I was sick. Seeing as how, I couldn't go to my own prom, you left midway to come stay home with me. You came into my room. Dressed in white, and ran to my bedside. Your hands were cold, but welcoming. My fever grew that night.
I was burning and I couldn't sleep. You were up all night sponging my forehead. You said, " One day, Eriol. We'll be old and retired and we'll be traveling. Like we always wanted to! We'll be somewhere much hotter. We'll be lying on the white sand of a secluded island and the sun will beat down on us burning our very skin. The fire you feel right now will not compare, but we'll be happy. Happier than we could ever imagine. We'll no longer have our own cove, but our own island! Think of it! Our own paradise. We'll have no school or work. We can be there all spring, summer, winter, and fall! That's where we'll be someday." Her grin shone through like the sun when she spoke. She was like the child that fueled everyone's heart and yet, at the same time she was no longer a child anymore.
But there was one thing she forgot. She forgot that our hearts can lead us astray and we would possibly grow old without each other.
I met Kaho. She became what was and still is my heart. And so I was never there for you anymore. You came home sick from the doctor's that one day, but you said you were fine. So I assumed you were. I told you my news and you told me yours. You weren't feeling well so I resentfully walked away when you sent me out.
I should've stayed, but I didn't. I was hurt that you drove me away. I was mad that you changed. I was too proud to return after that and because I didn't, now you're sick. And I wasn't there.
Again.
I'm here now, but you aren't. Not really, at least. You're away in the far depths of your mind weaving in and out of our memories and of your newfound days with him. Kai. You never told me if you loved him or not. But then again, you don't tell me anything anymore.
I can't go through life without my backbone or without you. I can't go with Kaho without knowing you'll be safe. I can't do anything without worrying that winter will come and crush my blossom.
I just want you to come back and tell me everything will be ok. So please wake up.
............................................................................ .......
Loneliness fired fear.
" Eriol?"
Nothing. " Eriol? Eriol. Where are you?" Darkness.
Finally. " Yea, Tomoyo? I'm here."
Black darkness. " I can't see you."
" Don't worry. Listen. I told Kaho."
" What was it that you told her?"
" All we need is each other, right? I told her to go away. So from now on, I'll always be here with you. Wherever it may be. With you there, I'm home. You're all I ever wanted. You're all I'll never need." His voice gentle, yet a bit psychotic.
She gasped. " You didn't. You didn't tell her that."
" But I did. I did it for you. You see, you love me too much and I can't be with Kaho knowing there is someone out there who'll love me more than my own wife will. You're love is unlimited."
" You don't know that. Kaho loves you! You are dear to her! Why do you do this?"
" What do you mean, heart?"
" Why is that every time I forget you, you'll show up at my footsteps and make everything more harder than it already is?"
" What are you trying to tell me?"
Words could not express her anguish. The words she was about to speak tore at her heart and ripped it to pieces. " We're nothing." She whispered.
" What? I can't hear you, now."
" That's just it! You do it! You make it so much harder to do! I SAID WE'RE NOTHING!"
" I love you."
" ERIOL, STOP IT! Kaho loves you so much more! I hate you. I really do. You are nothing to me! Nothing! So just go back to Kaho and live your life. It's over between us. Just leave me alone." What used to sound so hateful and strong now sounded weak as she sobbed in the lonesome darkness that surrounded her being.
He broke her stillness.
" This is Kaho's fault. She did this to you. She'll pay."
Her eyes widened and she finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
" You stay here. I'll be back."
A shadow proceeded down the tunnel. 'God, no. He can't do anything to Kaho! So help me, if he hurts Kaho in any way, I'll kill myself to see him suffer." She quietly took a step forward. He heard it.
" Stay there." He spoke forcefully and ominously. He never spoke to her in such a tone before. She was frightened. Horrified to be more accurate. She had to do something. She took another step forward. He pointed a finger at her and she stiffened.
She couldn't move. Paralysis melted to every joint of her limbs and she fell over.
He closed the door to the tunnel. Tomoyo heard humming among the oblivion she was left in. A song. A song couldn't put her finger on. Something about not meaning to do something. She racked her brain of every memory she possessed. She still couldn't remember because all of sudden a scream pierced the space between her and nothingness.
She jolted. A wash of guilt and uncertainty poured over her. She screamed out as well. Screamed for what she had done to Kaho. What she had turned Eriol into. Her screams broke her 'black hole'. Her surrounding crumbled as she continued to scream out in torment.
It seemed an eternity before she realized her breath ran dry of screams. She had to breathe.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
Eriol sat in the armchair next to her bed. He sat bent over with his hands supporting his drooping forehead. The quietness of the room and the darkness that loomed over Tomoyo's bed was unbearable. All was lost to him.
The gulp of rushing air alerted his sense.
She's awakened.
She looked around bewildered.
" God, where am I now?!"
Her frantic thoughts were interrupted when a huge weight fell over her. She mindlessly squirmed. And then there it was.
His scent. The flicker of light that came from his glasses every time the moonlight touched it. And the way his hands embraced her back. It was him. It was Eriol.
" What's going on?!" ' Oh god, he came back for me.'
He rambled on. He changed since the last time she saw him before he closed the tunnel door. He was ecstatic. She felt his relief as his breath came bearing down on her hair. She pulled away and brought a hand up to caress his stricken face. He looked at her.
" You don't remember?" She was afraid of what that meant. The last time she remembered, he. He. She wasn't going to think of that sinful deed he carried out.
" Why? What happened?"
" You couldn't breathe! You were dying! You were right there in my arms gasping for breathe."
She remembered now. At least she remembered part of it. She remembered the fear, the hopelessness she felt, and death's presence nearing her.
" I was?" She was incredulous.
His body relocated as he chuckled. His body pressed against her as he held her tight. She embraced him back and savored the moment of when they were never together. It was wrong. The position they were in. If Kaho-if Kaho saw it, she'd hurt. ' No one will hurt, but me.'
" Come now. Eriol I'm fine. You're crushing me." ' Good.' She thought to herself. ' Perfect excuse.'
He slowly got off of her frail body.
" I'm sorry."
She beamed 'that' smile. The smile that makes Eriol go absolutely, bloody mad. ' How can she still smile the way she does after her tribulation?'
He straightened himself up. " Ahem. I'll go get the others. You're mom couldn't bear to see you in your disposition. She'll be down there. She'll be happy."
" Alright."
He strode across the room and twisted the doorknob.
" -Eriol?"
" Yea?"
" Don't be long, alright?" She altered her position uncomfortably. " It's cold up here."
He turned and gave her a promising smile.
As his footsteps progressed downstairs, Tomoyo sat alone contemplating her dream. Nightmare, to be more exact.
Breathe.
She's breathing. She heard me. She came back and she'll be ok. She'll be ok. All will be fine. We'll see happier days. Come spring, we'll be in the meadows. Carefree like we always are. Counting clouds, arguing about which cloud is what, having those long talks of where we'll be one day, and how we're going to get there. If we'll still be friends. When we'll get married.
Marriage. It's unrealistic. No. We won't have those happy days anymore because come spring, I'll be married. Then summer. Summer when we would usually spent most of our days at the beach walking up and down the shores and finding crabs. Spending our time at our 'cove'. Our secret. Then again, that won't happen either because come summer, she'll be married. Our days are numbered.
We're leaving each other's shores if not already. Time blows by like the winter wind carrying away the last dried leaf of autumn. People leave and people change.
You changed. And perhaps, I have as well and I just don't know it.
Is that why you flinched when I tried to touch you? Did I really change all that much? If not that, then what? Something's wrong and you won't tell me. You always told me, but you're holding back. It's because I wasn't there, huh?
I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. You've always been afraid of doctors. You didn't like them. You asked if I could come, but I couldn't. I was too busy thinking about Kaho and myself; I wasn't there for you. And you were terrified. I've been there before. I once went with you. It was merely a check-up, but you were nevertheless worried and scared. That was why you drifted away from me. It must be why. I just wasn't there.
You're breathing is improving. God knows what happened last night, but if you had died, I wouldn't know how I was going to go through with this marriage. You, though. You were always there for me. You were and always will be giving, loving, and selfless. You took your time to be there for me. I remember well.
You were so infatuated with that one boy last year. He asked you to his prom, but you refused because I was sick. Seeing as how, I couldn't go to my own prom, you left midway to come stay home with me. You came into my room. Dressed in white, and ran to my bedside. Your hands were cold, but welcoming. My fever grew that night.
I was burning and I couldn't sleep. You were up all night sponging my forehead. You said, " One day, Eriol. We'll be old and retired and we'll be traveling. Like we always wanted to! We'll be somewhere much hotter. We'll be lying on the white sand of a secluded island and the sun will beat down on us burning our very skin. The fire you feel right now will not compare, but we'll be happy. Happier than we could ever imagine. We'll no longer have our own cove, but our own island! Think of it! Our own paradise. We'll have no school or work. We can be there all spring, summer, winter, and fall! That's where we'll be someday." Her grin shone through like the sun when she spoke. She was like the child that fueled everyone's heart and yet, at the same time she was no longer a child anymore.
But there was one thing she forgot. She forgot that our hearts can lead us astray and we would possibly grow old without each other.
I met Kaho. She became what was and still is my heart. And so I was never there for you anymore. You came home sick from the doctor's that one day, but you said you were fine. So I assumed you were. I told you my news and you told me yours. You weren't feeling well so I resentfully walked away when you sent me out.
I should've stayed, but I didn't. I was hurt that you drove me away. I was mad that you changed. I was too proud to return after that and because I didn't, now you're sick. And I wasn't there.
Again.
I'm here now, but you aren't. Not really, at least. You're away in the far depths of your mind weaving in and out of our memories and of your newfound days with him. Kai. You never told me if you loved him or not. But then again, you don't tell me anything anymore.
I can't go through life without my backbone or without you. I can't go with Kaho without knowing you'll be safe. I can't do anything without worrying that winter will come and crush my blossom.
I just want you to come back and tell me everything will be ok. So please wake up.
............................................................................ .......
Loneliness fired fear.
" Eriol?"
Nothing. " Eriol? Eriol. Where are you?" Darkness.
Finally. " Yea, Tomoyo? I'm here."
Black darkness. " I can't see you."
" Don't worry. Listen. I told Kaho."
" What was it that you told her?"
" All we need is each other, right? I told her to go away. So from now on, I'll always be here with you. Wherever it may be. With you there, I'm home. You're all I ever wanted. You're all I'll never need." His voice gentle, yet a bit psychotic.
She gasped. " You didn't. You didn't tell her that."
" But I did. I did it for you. You see, you love me too much and I can't be with Kaho knowing there is someone out there who'll love me more than my own wife will. You're love is unlimited."
" You don't know that. Kaho loves you! You are dear to her! Why do you do this?"
" What do you mean, heart?"
" Why is that every time I forget you, you'll show up at my footsteps and make everything more harder than it already is?"
" What are you trying to tell me?"
Words could not express her anguish. The words she was about to speak tore at her heart and ripped it to pieces. " We're nothing." She whispered.
" What? I can't hear you, now."
" That's just it! You do it! You make it so much harder to do! I SAID WE'RE NOTHING!"
" I love you."
" ERIOL, STOP IT! Kaho loves you so much more! I hate you. I really do. You are nothing to me! Nothing! So just go back to Kaho and live your life. It's over between us. Just leave me alone." What used to sound so hateful and strong now sounded weak as she sobbed in the lonesome darkness that surrounded her being.
He broke her stillness.
" This is Kaho's fault. She did this to you. She'll pay."
Her eyes widened and she finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
" You stay here. I'll be back."
A shadow proceeded down the tunnel. 'God, no. He can't do anything to Kaho! So help me, if he hurts Kaho in any way, I'll kill myself to see him suffer." She quietly took a step forward. He heard it.
" Stay there." He spoke forcefully and ominously. He never spoke to her in such a tone before. She was frightened. Horrified to be more accurate. She had to do something. She took another step forward. He pointed a finger at her and she stiffened.
She couldn't move. Paralysis melted to every joint of her limbs and she fell over.
He closed the door to the tunnel. Tomoyo heard humming among the oblivion she was left in. A song. A song couldn't put her finger on. Something about not meaning to do something. She racked her brain of every memory she possessed. She still couldn't remember because all of sudden a scream pierced the space between her and nothingness.
She jolted. A wash of guilt and uncertainty poured over her. She screamed out as well. Screamed for what she had done to Kaho. What she had turned Eriol into. Her screams broke her 'black hole'. Her surrounding crumbled as she continued to scream out in torment.
It seemed an eternity before she realized her breath ran dry of screams. She had to breathe.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
Eriol sat in the armchair next to her bed. He sat bent over with his hands supporting his drooping forehead. The quietness of the room and the darkness that loomed over Tomoyo's bed was unbearable. All was lost to him.
The gulp of rushing air alerted his sense.
She's awakened.
She looked around bewildered.
" God, where am I now?!"
Her frantic thoughts were interrupted when a huge weight fell over her. She mindlessly squirmed. And then there it was.
His scent. The flicker of light that came from his glasses every time the moonlight touched it. And the way his hands embraced her back. It was him. It was Eriol.
" What's going on?!" ' Oh god, he came back for me.'
He rambled on. He changed since the last time she saw him before he closed the tunnel door. He was ecstatic. She felt his relief as his breath came bearing down on her hair. She pulled away and brought a hand up to caress his stricken face. He looked at her.
" You don't remember?" She was afraid of what that meant. The last time she remembered, he. He. She wasn't going to think of that sinful deed he carried out.
" Why? What happened?"
" You couldn't breathe! You were dying! You were right there in my arms gasping for breathe."
She remembered now. At least she remembered part of it. She remembered the fear, the hopelessness she felt, and death's presence nearing her.
" I was?" She was incredulous.
His body relocated as he chuckled. His body pressed against her as he held her tight. She embraced him back and savored the moment of when they were never together. It was wrong. The position they were in. If Kaho-if Kaho saw it, she'd hurt. ' No one will hurt, but me.'
" Come now. Eriol I'm fine. You're crushing me." ' Good.' She thought to herself. ' Perfect excuse.'
He slowly got off of her frail body.
" I'm sorry."
She beamed 'that' smile. The smile that makes Eriol go absolutely, bloody mad. ' How can she still smile the way she does after her tribulation?'
He straightened himself up. " Ahem. I'll go get the others. You're mom couldn't bear to see you in your disposition. She'll be down there. She'll be happy."
" Alright."
He strode across the room and twisted the doorknob.
" -Eriol?"
" Yea?"
" Don't be long, alright?" She altered her position uncomfortably. " It's cold up here."
He turned and gave her a promising smile.
As his footsteps progressed downstairs, Tomoyo sat alone contemplating her dream. Nightmare, to be more exact.