Chapter 3: Freak Freak . . . Freak?
This didn't seem like a very good time to fall asleep, Robert thought to himself. Right after Ben left, his sister Jenna came through the door, obviously unannounced from her boyfriend's house, and playing Pokémon as usual. Robert was playing Super Mario Bros. on his NES. It was a weird coincidence they shut off their games at the same time, though. But nothing happened after that. Was he in a coma? If he was, he must've been coming out of it right now. So he opened his eyes.
He must've had the worst dizzy spell ever. The entire world was spinning, but he didn't feel nauseous. The spinning came to an abrupt end, and he found himself eating dirt. "Ow . . . my head." He said. He stood up off the ground. Strange, he didn't remember being outside. This landscape looked familiar. The triangle cut hills, the overly flat ground, and . . . floating blocks? This was a Mario landscape!
He must've been freaking out.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" He screamed as he ran off in a random direction. And to no avail, either. He hit a low floating block head on and passed out.
He awoke again with a bandage on his head. All he could see were shadows, though.
"What were you doing out there?" One of them asked.
"Ow . . ." Robert said, "I was freaking out, like I thought I was in the Mushroom Kingdom."
"You were. Now you're in Darkland."
"AAAAAAAHHHH . . .mmph!" He tried to scream, but one of them clamped his mouth shut.
"Quiet down. Are you trying to wake the dead or what?"
"He must still be delirious." Another one said. "Dunk him." Dunk him? What did that mean?
Robert's face quickly hit cold water.
"OW!" Robert yelled. "What was that for?" He could see the shapes coming into light. And the shapes were of . . . Koopa troopas? "Great," He said through his teeth, "Now I know I'm going crazy."
"Why do you have all that hair?" One of them asked.
Robert looked at his hand. Just as he thought, he was a koopa troopa too. Hee hee, I'm snapping! He thought to himself. Oh well, make the most of it. "Um . . . genetic defect." Do'h!
"Worst case scenario I'VE seen." Said another. "It's all over your head."
Yes, Robert had heard it plenty of times. He had lots of hair. And being 18 years old, he had quite a sizable mustache and beard. Robert realized he was lying on a bed. "Umm . . . can I get up now?"
"That was a pretty nasty hit you took to the head. Do you feel well enough?"
"Yeah, pretty much." He sat up and out of bed. The others looked at him in surprise. "He looks a LOT taller standing up." One of them said. Robert turned to face them. He had to be a foot larger than them, and yet he seemed shorter than when he was human.
"King Bowser would definitely like to have him in his elite guard." Elite guard? Robert thought. Cool. I hope I'm freaked out for a while.
"Call him. See what he thinks." The other koopa said. One of the three picked up a telephone. "Calling for Bowser . . . yes, KING Bowser, who did you think? . . . yes, of course this is important! . . . yes, I'll hold . . . nice music . . . hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm . . . oh, yes, Lord Bowser, I think I have someone perfect for your elite guard . . . this is Dr. Konner, fifth brigade . . . he's five and a half feet tall . . . Thank you, your highness." And he hung up. "He wants to see you right away." Konner said to Robert. "Umm . . . will you be taking the carriage with us, or are you going to be walking beside it?"
Bowser's castle was pretty impressive. Besides being all dark and evil and things like that, it had a certain impressiveness to it. As did King Bowser himself. Eight feet of ugly, but he was impressive. The song 'Bad to the Bone' came to mind.
"What's your name?" Bowser asked Robert.
"Robert, your lordship, sir." Robert said standing up straighter.
"That doesn't sound like a koopa name . . ."
"All the good ones were taken, sir." Double do'h!
Bowser blinked. "Whatever. As long as you pass the test, you'll be my personal bodyguard."
"Uh, your highness, umm . . . since when did you have bodyguards?"
"Since the last time Mario defeated me. After six hundred million times, I'm not letting him do that AGAIN!" He said, obviously fumed. In fact, flames came out of his nose. "Kammy will show you to the testing grounds."
"Sir, may I ask, whatever happened to Kamek?"
"Him? How did you know about him?"
"I, um . . . never mind."
"I said, HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?" He breathed into Robert's face. Triple Do'h! Maybe he should stop making mistakes before he really screwed it up. "Uhh . . . lucky guess, sir?"
"Hmm . . . you're obviously lying."
"The truth would take much longer, your highness."
" . . . Ok. But you're not getting any answer from me. Kammy . . ." He nodded to the Magikoopa in purple robes. Kammy led Robert out the door.
After moving down a couple hallways, Robert found himself in a huge outdoor arena. Oh, man! He thought, I hope I don't have to fight anybody! But his hopes were shattered when a Koopatroll came out of the far side of the ring. "Ok, Rob." Bowser's voice boomed over the loudspeaker. "Fight this guy with your bare hands. But don't kill him! I need all that I can get."
The Koopatrol dove into its shell and started spinning toward Robert. Great. He thought. Not only am I freaked, but also now I'm beginning to believe this. "I have got to be crazy to do this!" He said as he leaped at the Koopatrol. He gave him a hard kick that sent the Koopatrol flying, but cut his foot. "Ow!" He yelled. "Blast it! Blast your own frickin self!" The cut went pretty deep into the foot. "What're those Koopatrol shells made out of? Titanium?"
"Yes" was the voice over the loudspeaker. "Aw freak . . . prikt . . . stoo . . .!" Robert almost swore while hopping one foot. "That was pretty good," the loudspeaker said again. "But don't hurt yourself next time. Think straight. Kizmar!"
A white magikoopa appeared on the arena ground. "Pero-kalupa!" He yelled, and a Robert's foot was healed. The Magikoopa vanished. Robert raised an eyebrow. "What the . . . ?"
"What's the matter, don't you believe in magic?" Bowser said over the loudspeaker. Robert freaked. And this time it was about this not being a freak out. This was way too real. "Oh freak it all . . ." he said quietly.
The door opened again. This time it was two Hammer Brothers. "They're my second best." Bowser said. "Defeat them, then you have one more."
Oh, great. At least hammers couldn't hurt as much as spikes. But when they're coming at you almost non-stop, it can hurt pretty badly. Robert charged full force at them, knocking them both out with two glancing blows. "Very good." The loudspeaker said. "You're quite strong. Now you have to deal with . . ."
The door opened. "Me." Bowser said as he stepped out. Robert was about to say something a bit out of character, but he held his tongue. Bowser charged. Robert quickly dodged out of the way, rolling several feet across the floor. Bowser halted, turned, and leaped at Robert. Robert dived out of the way. There has to be a way to get to him! He thought, But how? Robert dodged a tail swing. The tail! Robert made a grab for it as Bowser gave another swing. He grabbed it and held on tight, spinning Bowser around and around. When he thought he had enough momentum, he let go, letting Bowser sail across the stadium.
Bowser hit the wall hard, leaving a huge crack in it. Wow. Robert thought. I knew I was strong, but not THAT strong. "Phaat phas phretty geood . . ." Bowser said, and he shook his head. "Where did you learn that?"
"Playing video games, Lord Bowser."
"Ah. Well, anyway, you're hired. Kammy will take you to your new room. You'll find a telephone there, and your Koopa Klan Elite uniform is in the closet. Where are you from?"
"Colorado."
"What? Something about that wimp archeologist?"
"Uhh . . . no, my tongue slipped. I meant Pipe Maze."
"Oh. Ok. Kammy . . ." Kammy led Robert out the door.
Well, the room was kind of fancy, but it still reminded him of a barracks. The smell was musty, too. But still pretty nice. Very nice, in fact, when you compared it to the guards barracks. Oh, who am I kidding? He thought, I'm a full dimension from home, under the service of Bowser, and will probably never see Jenna or Ben again! Robert threw himself down on his bed. But he couldn't sleep, even though it was night. His shell got in the way. "Aw, man!" He said, and slid it off. He saw that underneath, he was still wearing the same shirt and shorts that he had when he got to the Mushroom Kingdom. Yay. Happy coincidence. It doesn't amount to anything though. And he slumped onto his bed again. The bed, fancy as it was, was hard as a rock. Robert grumbled and walked to the window. Maybe looking outside would help him fall asleep. Hmm . . . I wonder what's happened to Jenna . . . did she freak when I disappeared? Or did something happen to the both of us? I wonder what Ben would say if he found us both missing.
Robert took another glance out the window. And did a double take. Well, if you read the previous two chapters, than you realize that something out-of-game is out there. And there was. As Robert said after he looked out the window: "There's no Metroids in Darkland!"
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