Chapter 6: Torn
Everyone was around her bed. Eriol looked irritated and everyone else just solemnly looked down at their feet or avoided her gaze in one way or another. No one spoke and there was that unnecessary silence again.
Her mother then broke the silence.
" Tomoyo, you're going to move away for a bit." Everyone's gaze fell onto Sonomi. Everyone except Kai who looked on intently at Tomoyo.
" Why, mother? When are we moving?"
" No, Tomoyo. 'You' are moving."
" Why? Why am 'I' going?"
Kai cut in. " Your mother and I thought it was best to take you out of the big city for a while. We fear the pressure and stress is getting to you --- ."
" -But Aunt Sonomi. Shouldn't Tomoyo see a doctor? I don't think it's the stress that is getting to her."
" No, Sakura. We know a doctor is not necessary. It is nothing. Tomoyo is just tired, is all." Sakura looked skeptically to Syaoran and then to Tomoyo.
Tomoyo masked her "reassuring" smile on. " It's ok, Sakura. I've been feeling a bit loaded anyways. Maybe this will help. I'm not going to disappear from the face of the earth. I'll visit you still. Where are we.... I mean 'I' moving to, Mum?"
" We're taking you to that nice manor next to the sea. Near where you used to stay during the summer. The sea air will make you feel better and refreshed."
" Oh, it'll be fine. I like that place. Eriol and I used to stay there during summer. It's only an hour away. C'mon everyone, don't look so down. Like I said, I'm not disappearing from the face of the earth." Her giggle made everyone a bit more untroubled.
Eriol refused to look at Tomoyo. He was still troubled. He was.... worried, but he didn't know what was going on. She could tell. Throughout the whole conversation, he didn't meet her eyes. Kaho hooked her arm through with his and nudged him to meet her eyes. He did. Her eyes questioned him what was wrong, but he shook his head and continued his 'discussion' with the floor.
Kai's tone brought her to his attention. " I think we should all leave Tomoyo for the time being. She is still tired and it is best she is left alone to recuperate."
Everyone nodded except Eriol still concentrating on the floor. They all walked out the room. Kaho hinted to move, but Eriol stood grounded. He got a bit annoyed. He looked up at Kaho. " You go on ahead. I'll be down in a second. I need a word with Tomoyo before we go back to England."
'England? Why exactly are they going back? What for? Why so soon? They weren't even married.'
Kaho lastly walked out and lightly closed the door. Eriol cautiously looked up at Tomoyo and neared closer to the side of her bed.
" Hey."
" Hi."
" Tomoyo."
" Eriol?"
" I wanted to tell you something before I left."
" Leaving?"
" Yea. leaving."
" But--- but why?"
" Kaho decided she wanted the wedding in England. Don't worry. She wanted to fly everyone from Tomoeda there so you'll all be at the wedding."
" Oh..." Tomoyo's gaze faltered to the wall as Eriol continued on.
" Yea. I need to go, but I can't help wondering if you'll be fine while I'm away. I want you to be safe, alright?"
" Why are you telling me this?"
" Tomoyo, I know. You're not telling me something. Either you're not ready or you don't want to. I worry for what is to come of this 'thing' you refuse to confide with me. I'm suppose to be here and to protect you and I promised you that long ago, but there's some things I must take care of before I can come back and help you."
All the while, his words of concern washed over her, her mind wandered lacing back and forth through her memories to that very day in which his vow took place.
::Flashback...::
" Hey! Eriol! Look! The ocean! Can you see it?! Can you?"
It was their tenth summer. The first summer that they were going to stay at the manor by the sea. All summer long together.
Young master Eriol flopped his head to and fro as he lazily opened one eye.
" Tooommoooyo, I was sleeping!"
" Wake up then! We're here! We're here!" He chuckled and gave a stretch. He brushed the sands of narcosis away from his eyes and peered out his side of the window.
" Hey! You're right! Woah! Look!"
" I already have!" They looked at each other. Their ecstatic fresh eyes met and erupted laughter burst from the backseat.
" Oh man, Tomoyo. This will be the best summer ever!"
And so it was the beginning of their summer and the beginning of great memories soon to be missed.
Weeks went by with unsurpassed fun and careless days of childhood.
Then one day, while Tomoyo and Eriol was swimming home from their newly found cove, Tomoyo caught a rip tide and was carried away from him. The sudden hush alarmed him. He looked around and couldn't find Tomoyo. He never heard a scream escape her mouth. She just... simply vanished.
He yelled her name before he, too, was pulled down and carried farther from shore by the tide.
He saw her. Her rebounding head surfaced the water as she sprouted out water.
" Tomoyo!" he yelled out of relief.
" Eriol?! Where are you? Don't leave me, please!"
" In front of you! Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. Stop being a chicken!" She struggled against water's strength and turned herself in his direction.
" AhEriol! It's pulling me out!"
" Umm. Calm down!" His foot got hold of a reef and he pushed off fast. Going along with the tide, it carried him out towards Tomoyo. He reached out his hand blindly and got a grip of Tomoyo's fingers. " Reach further!" She did. " Gotcha!"
He pulled her towards him and delivered her a heartening smile. " Everything will be ok. Just swim with me. Go sideways. This way."
He led her and himself out of harm's way and slowly made their journey back to shore with her arms hooked tightly around his neck. Afraid of letting go.
Upon coming to contact with the sand massaging the pads of their feet, they crawled onto the seashore and collapsed onto their backs.
" Well wasn't that an adventure. Tomoyo, we should do it more often." His voice glimmered with sarcasm and happy relief. In hoping that he could suppress a laugh out of Tomoyo, he felt the sharp jab of being wrong. He turned his head and glanced at her. Her head was propped against the sky and she had one arm supporting her head. " Are you ok?"
She didn't reply.
" Listen, it's over. We're ok. We'll just have to be more careful, right?"
No reply again. It was awhile later when she actually spoke.
" Eriol, I was scared. I didn't see you. I thought something happened to you until I realized it was me who was in trouble. I thought you had just dropped dead. I thought you were some kind of ghost coming back to haunt me because I wasn't watching after you." She continued to examine the clouds passing by.
" You know, you really should stop staring at the sun. You're eyes will shrivel up and burn into charcoals." She grabbed the shell closest to her and flung it at his head.
" Oww." They looked at each other again and that pointless string of laughter came again. For a while, they just laid there laughing away.
Then they finished and simultaneously heaved a big sigh. Eriol glimpsed at Tomoyo again still seeing the uneasiness that clothed her.
" Tomoyo?"
" Yes?"
" I just wanted you to know. You're my best friend and you always will be. And I'll always be here for you. To protect you like I did today. God knows you're always getting into trouble. Besides, you need someone to look after you." A genuine smile spread across his ten year old face.
He stood up and offered his hand to her. She took his offer and lifted herself from the warm sand. And they lived happily ever after. Or so she wanted to believe.
::End of Flashback...::
" Tomoyo?" She came back to the present. " You're still tired, I'll leave."
He took a step away from her bed when his hand caught in hers.
" Wait." He turned around and bent down to her. " Please, don't leave." Salted tears brimmed on her lower lashes. The voice of the angelic little girl came home. " Don't leave me please."
He came back to her. He wouldn't let his emotions show, but he pushed them aggressively away to the deeper parts of his mind. He situated himself onto her bed and took her hand and pulled her in.
She was enveloped in the warmth of his embrace. Her head leaned into his own and lingered there enough for her to hear his breath in rhythm with her own. She closed her eyes and concentrating on savoring and remember every moment of it. 'Please don't let this be a dream. I need this. I'll fall apart without the memory of this. Once he leaves the shores of Tomoeda, I'll no longer have anything closer than this to remember him by.'
If I should die this very moment.
I wouldn't fear.
For I've never known completeness
Life could give.
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day.
When dreaming ends.
He pulled away. Cupping her face with his palms, he brought his lips toward her. And kissed her forehead like he rarely does. " I have to. I'm not going to disappear from the face of the earth," He unconvincingly tried to lighten the mood. "But I really need to go." He didn't want to meet her eyes anymore. He was torn. Torn between a lover and a friend.
' Selfish... So this is what selfishness is. Being too selfish to let someone go on with their own lives, but anchoring them so they go down with you.'
She brought her hand up and caressed his pale face and he no longer ignored his temptation.
He turned his head and peered into her warm eyes. Trying to read her, but she was as he described " The Mistress of Masks" and even the great Clow reincarnate could not go beyond into the depths of her eyes. All he saw was the support he never rightfully returned to her.
She cast her eyes down in shame. " I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to hold you down like this. I never meant to get between your relationship with Kaho. Kaho is a very special women in your life and I, too, admire her much, but--- but I'm just a girl who you promised to be by. A promise I will not hold unto you. You've already given me so much. It's my turn to repay you."
She tore away from his eyes when she heard the opening of the grand oak door open from downstairs.
" Everyone's leaving. Once more, I'm holding you down. Kaho must be waiting for you downstairs. You must go." He continued to hold his subtle gape when she looked up with her bright, adolescent smile. He didn't know whether he was currently the victim of her "masking" games or if she just wanted him to leave.
He stood up with a pained expression as he spun his heels and slowly made his way out of her room. However, before he closed the door, he slightly turned his face her.
He softly murmured. " I love you. You are the most unselfish and giving person I've ever known. You always will be like the little sister I never had."
He didn't know, but those innocent words he uttered tore and ripped at her heart unlike any pain she ever felt. She didn't dare express the same three words back to him.
If she did, she'd be lying. She'd be horribly denying the truth that stained her heart. For the reason that she loved him so much more that she would risk everything for his own happiness.
Everyone was around her bed. Eriol looked irritated and everyone else just solemnly looked down at their feet or avoided her gaze in one way or another. No one spoke and there was that unnecessary silence again.
Her mother then broke the silence.
" Tomoyo, you're going to move away for a bit." Everyone's gaze fell onto Sonomi. Everyone except Kai who looked on intently at Tomoyo.
" Why, mother? When are we moving?"
" No, Tomoyo. 'You' are moving."
" Why? Why am 'I' going?"
Kai cut in. " Your mother and I thought it was best to take you out of the big city for a while. We fear the pressure and stress is getting to you --- ."
" -But Aunt Sonomi. Shouldn't Tomoyo see a doctor? I don't think it's the stress that is getting to her."
" No, Sakura. We know a doctor is not necessary. It is nothing. Tomoyo is just tired, is all." Sakura looked skeptically to Syaoran and then to Tomoyo.
Tomoyo masked her "reassuring" smile on. " It's ok, Sakura. I've been feeling a bit loaded anyways. Maybe this will help. I'm not going to disappear from the face of the earth. I'll visit you still. Where are we.... I mean 'I' moving to, Mum?"
" We're taking you to that nice manor next to the sea. Near where you used to stay during the summer. The sea air will make you feel better and refreshed."
" Oh, it'll be fine. I like that place. Eriol and I used to stay there during summer. It's only an hour away. C'mon everyone, don't look so down. Like I said, I'm not disappearing from the face of the earth." Her giggle made everyone a bit more untroubled.
Eriol refused to look at Tomoyo. He was still troubled. He was.... worried, but he didn't know what was going on. She could tell. Throughout the whole conversation, he didn't meet her eyes. Kaho hooked her arm through with his and nudged him to meet her eyes. He did. Her eyes questioned him what was wrong, but he shook his head and continued his 'discussion' with the floor.
Kai's tone brought her to his attention. " I think we should all leave Tomoyo for the time being. She is still tired and it is best she is left alone to recuperate."
Everyone nodded except Eriol still concentrating on the floor. They all walked out the room. Kaho hinted to move, but Eriol stood grounded. He got a bit annoyed. He looked up at Kaho. " You go on ahead. I'll be down in a second. I need a word with Tomoyo before we go back to England."
'England? Why exactly are they going back? What for? Why so soon? They weren't even married.'
Kaho lastly walked out and lightly closed the door. Eriol cautiously looked up at Tomoyo and neared closer to the side of her bed.
" Hey."
" Hi."
" Tomoyo."
" Eriol?"
" I wanted to tell you something before I left."
" Leaving?"
" Yea. leaving."
" But--- but why?"
" Kaho decided she wanted the wedding in England. Don't worry. She wanted to fly everyone from Tomoeda there so you'll all be at the wedding."
" Oh..." Tomoyo's gaze faltered to the wall as Eriol continued on.
" Yea. I need to go, but I can't help wondering if you'll be fine while I'm away. I want you to be safe, alright?"
" Why are you telling me this?"
" Tomoyo, I know. You're not telling me something. Either you're not ready or you don't want to. I worry for what is to come of this 'thing' you refuse to confide with me. I'm suppose to be here and to protect you and I promised you that long ago, but there's some things I must take care of before I can come back and help you."
All the while, his words of concern washed over her, her mind wandered lacing back and forth through her memories to that very day in which his vow took place.
::Flashback...::
" Hey! Eriol! Look! The ocean! Can you see it?! Can you?"
It was their tenth summer. The first summer that they were going to stay at the manor by the sea. All summer long together.
Young master Eriol flopped his head to and fro as he lazily opened one eye.
" Tooommoooyo, I was sleeping!"
" Wake up then! We're here! We're here!" He chuckled and gave a stretch. He brushed the sands of narcosis away from his eyes and peered out his side of the window.
" Hey! You're right! Woah! Look!"
" I already have!" They looked at each other. Their ecstatic fresh eyes met and erupted laughter burst from the backseat.
" Oh man, Tomoyo. This will be the best summer ever!"
And so it was the beginning of their summer and the beginning of great memories soon to be missed.
Weeks went by with unsurpassed fun and careless days of childhood.
Then one day, while Tomoyo and Eriol was swimming home from their newly found cove, Tomoyo caught a rip tide and was carried away from him. The sudden hush alarmed him. He looked around and couldn't find Tomoyo. He never heard a scream escape her mouth. She just... simply vanished.
He yelled her name before he, too, was pulled down and carried farther from shore by the tide.
He saw her. Her rebounding head surfaced the water as she sprouted out water.
" Tomoyo!" he yelled out of relief.
" Eriol?! Where are you? Don't leave me, please!"
" In front of you! Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. Stop being a chicken!" She struggled against water's strength and turned herself in his direction.
" AhEriol! It's pulling me out!"
" Umm. Calm down!" His foot got hold of a reef and he pushed off fast. Going along with the tide, it carried him out towards Tomoyo. He reached out his hand blindly and got a grip of Tomoyo's fingers. " Reach further!" She did. " Gotcha!"
He pulled her towards him and delivered her a heartening smile. " Everything will be ok. Just swim with me. Go sideways. This way."
He led her and himself out of harm's way and slowly made their journey back to shore with her arms hooked tightly around his neck. Afraid of letting go.
Upon coming to contact with the sand massaging the pads of their feet, they crawled onto the seashore and collapsed onto their backs.
" Well wasn't that an adventure. Tomoyo, we should do it more often." His voice glimmered with sarcasm and happy relief. In hoping that he could suppress a laugh out of Tomoyo, he felt the sharp jab of being wrong. He turned his head and glanced at her. Her head was propped against the sky and she had one arm supporting her head. " Are you ok?"
She didn't reply.
" Listen, it's over. We're ok. We'll just have to be more careful, right?"
No reply again. It was awhile later when she actually spoke.
" Eriol, I was scared. I didn't see you. I thought something happened to you until I realized it was me who was in trouble. I thought you had just dropped dead. I thought you were some kind of ghost coming back to haunt me because I wasn't watching after you." She continued to examine the clouds passing by.
" You know, you really should stop staring at the sun. You're eyes will shrivel up and burn into charcoals." She grabbed the shell closest to her and flung it at his head.
" Oww." They looked at each other again and that pointless string of laughter came again. For a while, they just laid there laughing away.
Then they finished and simultaneously heaved a big sigh. Eriol glimpsed at Tomoyo again still seeing the uneasiness that clothed her.
" Tomoyo?"
" Yes?"
" I just wanted you to know. You're my best friend and you always will be. And I'll always be here for you. To protect you like I did today. God knows you're always getting into trouble. Besides, you need someone to look after you." A genuine smile spread across his ten year old face.
He stood up and offered his hand to her. She took his offer and lifted herself from the warm sand. And they lived happily ever after. Or so she wanted to believe.
::End of Flashback...::
" Tomoyo?" She came back to the present. " You're still tired, I'll leave."
He took a step away from her bed when his hand caught in hers.
" Wait." He turned around and bent down to her. " Please, don't leave." Salted tears brimmed on her lower lashes. The voice of the angelic little girl came home. " Don't leave me please."
He came back to her. He wouldn't let his emotions show, but he pushed them aggressively away to the deeper parts of his mind. He situated himself onto her bed and took her hand and pulled her in.
She was enveloped in the warmth of his embrace. Her head leaned into his own and lingered there enough for her to hear his breath in rhythm with her own. She closed her eyes and concentrating on savoring and remember every moment of it. 'Please don't let this be a dream. I need this. I'll fall apart without the memory of this. Once he leaves the shores of Tomoeda, I'll no longer have anything closer than this to remember him by.'
If I should die this very moment.
I wouldn't fear.
For I've never known completeness
Life could give.
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day.
When dreaming ends.
He pulled away. Cupping her face with his palms, he brought his lips toward her. And kissed her forehead like he rarely does. " I have to. I'm not going to disappear from the face of the earth," He unconvincingly tried to lighten the mood. "But I really need to go." He didn't want to meet her eyes anymore. He was torn. Torn between a lover and a friend.
' Selfish... So this is what selfishness is. Being too selfish to let someone go on with their own lives, but anchoring them so they go down with you.'
She brought her hand up and caressed his pale face and he no longer ignored his temptation.
He turned his head and peered into her warm eyes. Trying to read her, but she was as he described " The Mistress of Masks" and even the great Clow reincarnate could not go beyond into the depths of her eyes. All he saw was the support he never rightfully returned to her.
She cast her eyes down in shame. " I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to hold you down like this. I never meant to get between your relationship with Kaho. Kaho is a very special women in your life and I, too, admire her much, but--- but I'm just a girl who you promised to be by. A promise I will not hold unto you. You've already given me so much. It's my turn to repay you."
She tore away from his eyes when she heard the opening of the grand oak door open from downstairs.
" Everyone's leaving. Once more, I'm holding you down. Kaho must be waiting for you downstairs. You must go." He continued to hold his subtle gape when she looked up with her bright, adolescent smile. He didn't know whether he was currently the victim of her "masking" games or if she just wanted him to leave.
He stood up with a pained expression as he spun his heels and slowly made his way out of her room. However, before he closed the door, he slightly turned his face her.
He softly murmured. " I love you. You are the most unselfish and giving person I've ever known. You always will be like the little sister I never had."
He didn't know, but those innocent words he uttered tore and ripped at her heart unlike any pain she ever felt. She didn't dare express the same three words back to him.
If she did, she'd be lying. She'd be horribly denying the truth that stained her heart. For the reason that she loved him so much more that she would risk everything for his own happiness.