Disclaimer: No, we don't own Tekken or its characters. Why are you even reading this bit?
A/N: Ok... the original of this story didn't seem to go down well with FF.Net, and they promptly deleted it. So here it is again - reposted. Sorry if you reviewed the original, but it's all been lost now! Pain in the... Anyway...
Ask Tekken - The Iron Fist Advice Columnists!
What if our favourite Tekken characters were writers for a cheesy advice magazine? Have you ever wanted the meaning of life from Kazuya, fashion tips from Ling, or your dreams analysed by Jin? Welcome to Ask Tekken, where your questions are exclusively answered by our hot-tempered 'experts'! First, let's introduce you to our columnists and their areas of expertise...
Ask Kazuya – General Advice and Life Matters
Ask Jun – Home, Garden and Pets
Ask Nina – The Modern Woman
Ask Jin – Dream Analyst
Ask Anna – Relationships
Ask Lee – Finances
Ask Heihachi - Business
Ask Ling – Fashion and Beauty
Ask Lei Wulong – Legal Advice
Ask Paul – The Handy Man: Home, Hardware and Manliness
Ask Julia – Antiquities and Spirituality
Ask Hwoarang – Entertainment
Ask Yoshi and Kuni – Thieving and air-conditioner repairs
Ask Bruce – Self Image
Ask King – Child Psychology. And Beer.
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"Ask Kazuya – General Advice and Life Matters."
Dear Kazuya,
I'm having trouble with just about every aspect of my life, and was wondering if you could help. I feel as if my whole world's falling apart. I'm having a very troubled relationship with my father which makes me aggravated most of the time, and this affects everything else I do. We've never really got along, but now that I've grown up it seems that we're getting on each other's nerves more than ever. He calls me weak and criticises everything decision I make – from my job as a writer, to my girlfriend, nothing is ever good enough for him. He expects me to take over the family business – accountancy – when frankly, I have no interest in it. I'm also overweight, shy, with very low self-esteem. Can you help?
Sincerely,
Worn-out Son.
Dear Worn-out,
It's obvious that the problem here is your good-for-nothing, cold-blooded psychopath of a father. No doubt that heartless bastard sold your sneaker collection on E-bay, threw you off a cliff when you were five-years-old, and on a later occasion, into a volcano; all of which can send you (quite literally) over the edge. Well, I can certainly sympathise. I've had a similar predicament myself.
(DAMN YOU, YOU RUTHLESS BASTARD! DAMN YOU TO HELL! AND WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THOSE GOD-AWFUL TEETH OF YOURS?! JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW THE STUPID –CATCH-AN-AXE-IN-YOUR-TEETH STUNT ON THAT RIDICULOUS ANIME!!)
Anyway... here's how to handle it.
Throw him off a cliff, claim the business for yourself, drop a few pounds and get a hobby. Works for me. Although, you may have to sell your soul to the Devil in order to survive various murder attempts tried by your father. In which case I feel a duty to tell you that there are some ill-effects. Explosive temper, brutal violence, blatant disregard towards family members and human life in general, plus spots of lunacy, can all be expected.
Sincerely,
Kazuya.
***
"Ask Nina – The Modern Woman"
Dear Nina,
I'm a young, independent woman who has completed her tertiary education, and is heading into the workforce. My area of interest is public relations, however I've recently encountered some setbacks regarding my dream career. I've already been turned down for several positions at very reputable companies, all of which I've been fully qualified for. The reason being, because I am a woman. One interviewer even went so far as to say, "Generally, I don't like hiring women. Because they get pregnant and leave."
I find this appalling, yet there is little I can do. Can you help me?
Yours faithfully,
Discriminated
Dear Discriminated,
While I find your tale utterly shocking, this sort of thing is so sadly common. No modern, independent woman should ever have to stand for this sort of abysmal treatment. These interviewers sound like a group of middle-aged chauvinists, but the good news is, there IS something you can do about it.
Firstly, you must update your weapons supply. As a public relations student, I suspect you are new to the world of artillery, but that's what I'm here for. I recommend young women everywhere always carry with them the following:
1. An assortment of small, easy-to-use switchblades. These little babies are perfect for the gal on the go. They're easy to store in your pantyhose, within a knee-high boot, or even inside some ample cleavage or a ridiculously large hairstyle. Should you ever find yourself threatened in any way and in any situation, a switchblade (or any other sharp object) is just the trick to dispel an adversary without drawing serious attention to yourself. For example, should you ever attend a similar job interview, keep a razor handy for moments when your pig-headed interviewer drops comments about women in the workforce, or other such things. A slash to the forearm is usually enough, however in some situations it is appropriate to hold your switchblade to your challenger's whiny, bigoted throat. Then make your demands.2. Guns. A modern woman can never have too many shoes, or guns. For your first time I'd suggest a pair of the ever-versatile Glock pistols, perfect for any occasion, and none too overwhelming. However, to the woman more experienced with weaponry, the perfect gun may even progress to an Uzi, a Tommy gun, or even a rifle(ideal for clearing the way down a busy street or supermarket).
3. Of course, it always helps to carry around assassin wire, stun guns, num-chucks, pipe bombs, grenades, bazookas, explosives, spear-guns, ninja stars, and chainsaws. Girls, pepper spray is a thing of the past.
For the perfect self-esteem boost, and with the right attitude, nothing beats this multitude of military hardware. No-one will ever step on your toes again, ladies. Ever. With this handy must-have list, every modern woman can enjoy life, knowing that it would be an act of utter idiocy for any male to mess with this walking weapon-of-mass-destruction. Discriminated, I truthfully hope this list is as helpful to you as it always has been to me. Good luck!
Yours sincerely,
Nina.
***
"Ask Ling – Fashion and Beauty"
Dear Ling,
Hi, I'm having some serious image issues and was wondering if you could help. My friends say I have no fashion sense, and I never know what to do with my hair. I have no idea where to start. Please find enclosed my photo. Help!
Yours truly,
Fashion Victim.
Dear Fashion Victim,
OMiG!!!11! It's MAKE-OVER TIME!!!!!!11!!!1 ^_^ lol!!!1!
Ok, like, so I checked out ur pic and we'll start simple, K?????/?// ^_^ Firstt, sweetie, UR HAIR!!!!11!!!one!! Haven't u heard that leik, the MULLET is like, SOOOO 50 YEARS ago, like, totally 80s???///? Like, DUH!! Lol sorry gurlfriend, but the mullet needs 2 GO!!!onehundredandeleven!!!11! Ur face shape is SOOOo cute, i reckomend a KEWLLL little spiky fringey thing, & crop it JUST BELOW UR CHIN!!!! ^_^ That way u can wear it in CUUUTE LITL PIGGY TAILS!!!!!!!111!!!!!eleventyone!!!1! ^_^ LOL!!!one!1
Next, BURN EVRY SINGLE OUTFIT IN UR CLOSET!!!111!!!!ONE! Surry, but those army pants and turtlenecks have like, totally GOT 2 GO!! This season, try with sum nice BRRIIIGHT colours. Like...... YELLOWz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!221121!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11eleven! ^_^ YEAH!!!! DON'T 4GET.... a grrrl can NEVEEER have 2 MANy YELLOW RIBBONS!!!!!!111!!!oneon!!!eleven!!!! OMG OMG!!!111!! ^_^ Start off w/ like, one BIG ribbon round ur waist, then go from there! TOTALLY CUTE!! DUH!! don't 4get to ACCERSORISE ur PETS, HOUSE, POSSESSIONS, FAMILY MEMMBERS, TEXT BOOKS, all with like, LOTSA LOTSA YELLLOOOW RIBBBONS!!!!11!!!!oneone!!!!!11!eleven! LOL ^_^
As far as i can tell, ur SKIN & makeup is TOTALLY FINE!!!1!! Just DON'T 4GET 2 EXFOLITAE every SINGLE hour!!!!!1!!!!!!one!!! OOH OOH!!! ANNNND at like, NITEY NITE time, do that kewlie thingy where u put those cucumber thingies on ur EYES O_O!!!!! OOOH, and NEVER 4get that SPPPEESHUL mudmask for those SPEEESHUL OCCASIONs!!111!!! ^_~
^_^ Soooo, NOW that u TOTALLY have those CUTE spunkz at skool fallin at ur FEET, remember:
A SHOWEER A DAY KEEPS THE HEAD LICE AWAY!!!!!!!!!!1ONE!!!!!!111!!!!!!eleventyone!!11!
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Urs truwly,
Ling!!! ^_~
***
A/N: What do you think? By all means, if YOU have any questions you would like answered by our Iron Fist Columnists, please send them an EMAIL at fire_breathing_snails@hotmail.com, and your question may be answered in the next issue of Ask Tekken! (I think we got in trouble cos we used reviews as an interactive thingie. So letters by email only, please!) Next up, Hwoarang, Anna and Bruce. For now, keep writing, review and do other such things. Catch you later! =)