Chapter 11: Pride, Jealousy and Loneliness
She airily mumbled, " Did you forget?"
" Forget?... Forget about what, Tomoyo?"
She withdrew her hand from underneath her comforter.
A glimmering diamond bound to her finger. He quickly glanced and redirected his gaze upon something that wasn't the diamond bound to her finger. He snapped at her.
" You know, you never answered me."
" About?" Her eyes showing the curiosity of an unknown secret.
" About whether you loved him or not."
She paused to rightly bring the words out of her mouth. " I-I-I do love him. And-and- I shall continue to love him the way I love you."
" Do you really mean that? Am I just some acquaintance then?"
She heaved a slight sigh. " You know that I really don't mean all that."
" Then what do you mean?!" He was frustrated. " It's unfair."
" What do you mean unfair?"
He quickly clambered out of bed. He placed his glasses on the crook of his nose. He stood facing the eastern window with his back turned to her. He heavily groaned.
" This!" He punctually shot his hand out in a gesturing motion. " Us! Sometimes I feel like I'm pouring out my soul to you and then you come along and make everything so complicated. You make your feelings so ... unpredictable. You take it all in and then you push me away. What is it that you want?! What am I supposed to do?!" He flopped himself on the armchair.
She stared transfixed at him. His eyes burned blue fire. He'd never been so angry with her before. He was not supposed to be like this. He was the one that always kept his composure. Showed no feeling that would put him in a vulnerable state.
It was then she felt tension between them. She felt the difficulty of in taking air again. ' No, please not now.' As he doubled over and relaxed his head in his palms, she quickly grabbed at a tissue and turned away.
With difficulty, she tried to suppress what coughs she could but to no avail. He heard... he was suspicious. It was hard. God was testing her, she thought.
She heard the rustling of Eriol's pants as he slowly, but surely got out of the chair. She heard him come closer and closer to her bed. She continued her strenuous work of calming her nerves and damn coughs.
Then she felt the feeble sinking of the mattress as his knee came into contact with it. She felt the air of hesitation between both of them.
He came and undecidedly reached out his hand to touch her shoulder. To see if she was ok. He softly tapped her shoulder. She scooted farther away from him.
And this was how it was. He kept on tapping her until finally she reached the edge of the bed with nowhere else to go. She cleverly threw the drenched tissue she held in her hand before Eriol had the chance go see it.
Just as she thought, he carefully yanked her arm and twisted her around to him. He held the expression she assumed he would've held.
Worry.
He held out his palm to her.
" Give me your hand."
Confused, she set her hand delicately upon it releasing a small pent up cough.
She had briefly forgotten about her hands.
" Why are your hands stained red?"
She took a second look at it.
It was stained red. It had seeped through the tissue.
" What is it?"
Her eyes widened in a panic sort of expression
" Tomoyo..." His voice came out warningly.
" What?" She pasted on her "carefree, there's nothing wrong" smile.
" Wh-Wh-What was that?"
He took hold of her besmirched palm. He looked closer and examined it.
He knew what it was. Denial clouded his mind as he stupidly looked up and opened his mouth to protest.
" - It's fine! It's nothing."
He stared sternly at her. " Coughing up ... whatever that is, doesn't seem to be too.."
" It's just some throat discharges that goes along with me being sick. It's a ..."
" ... reaction?"
Her fingers fidgeted and intertwined with each other. " Y-Yea. It's from the medicine. It's nothing."
She slipped her hand into his loosed grasp and held his hand within both of hers.
" I'm fine." She said and delivered her winning smile. The one that won all other winning smiles. With that, he let his denial and the growing uncertainty inside of him go unnoticed. He couldn't help but get lost in her bright eyes and her glimmering smile. Brushing that thought away to the back of his mind, he seemed to have forgotten all that had happened before his discovery of her stained hand.
Though he whole-heartedly trusted her, he still felt the inner anxiety of her not telling him something. He was just tired. He didn't want to wonder, he didn't want to care, he didn't want to think about her every day and night, he hated worrying about how whoever this "Kai" treated her, he felt the uncontrollable anger rise from the very depths of his tortured and torn heart.
He rapidly rose and pulled his hands away from her and kept hold of a "betrayed" expression.
Tomoyo flinched at the roughness of his actions. His eyes burned again. He raised his hands in frustration. Word threatening to fly out of his mouth.
If she had not put her arms up to "guard" herself, he would've continued ranting on about what he planned to say and confess to her, but that simple feat told him he was scaring her far beyond he wanted to.
He brought those irritated hands to his sides and subtly, again, slid back on the bed and felt the skin... the fragile ivory skin of her arms. He reminded himself to lower his temper... to take hold of his emotions. The emotions he kept hidden so well before.
Sympathy showed through the midnight sky contained in his eyes and lowered her arms.
He looked, again, harmless, but he was still forceful in his speech.
" Did you think that I was going to hit you?"
She lifted her head and nodded hesitantly afraid he might go ballistic again.
He delivered an incredulous chuckle, which left her feeling a bit uneasy.
He gestured his hands back and forth from her to him. " Y-You really thought, I was going to hit you? That's real rich. Despite how thwarted I am with you, I'd never hit you. I haven't ever done so before. What made you think I'd do so now?"
She quietly found her voice amidst tautness between them.
" Y-You were different back then. You had ... had better control of your feelings before. You've let them out, Eriol. You show real, unadulterated sentiments of anger and fury. The fact that I haven't really seen you illustrate this through yourself surprises me. I don't know what you'll do next. Everything is haywire. You may have been Clow, Eriol, but that was a long time ago and the card capturing days are over. No matter how in control you might feel sometimes, half of you will still be Eriol Hiiragizawa. You're starting to grow out of that... and maybe its hormones or something, but it's scary because I've never seen this side of you before."
He didn't seem to want to admit that maybe... just maybe, Tomoyo might be right. He resumed his awful stare at nothingness. The reluctance of him speaking ushered her to continue.
" S-Sometimes, I think Sakura starts to notice this as well. You've been a bit off lately. From the personality you had before, I mean. You'll always be Eriol, but somewhere in that vast mind of yours... the pressure of being a normal teenage boy got to you. Maybe it's just a phase. It's not just Sakura either, my mother even questions me about what's going on in your life sometimes. Even Kai! He and my mother are non-magic folk and know nothing about the Sakura Cards and Clow Reed, but he even talks about your awkward behavior sometimes when you visit me. I know it sounds weird and from your point of view it doesn't seem like you've changed at all, but to those who know you well or know you at all... we... we just thought you were a bit off lately."
' Kai?! Of all people she brought in Kai?! Bullshit, he doesn't even know jack about me! Give it to someone who probably feels threatened by me judge me for what they 'think' I am!'
He swiveled his head casually and directed every single word that trickled out of his orifice to her. All he did in a cool, yet outwardly in a sarcastic tone.
" Let me tell you something, Ms. Daidouji. Don't talk to me about that son of a bitch. He knows nothing about me. Walks around like he knows what the hell he's talking about. My ass. He likes to think he knows everything seeing as how he feels he has connections to your family, but all he knows is crap. Leave it to a dimwit to tell you your own feelings for someone you've known since... I don't know... FOREVER?"
" ---We're only concerned about you, Eriol! You act as if Kai targets you, but you, in actuality target him! Out of Sakura and my mother, you pick him selectively to criticize. Honesty, Eriol! I don't even know you anymore! How is it that we'll get along when I'm married to him?! Have you ever thought about that?! You need to sort out your feelings 'now'! What's gotten into you?"
He took it hard. Like Tomoyo, herself, stabbed him with Syaroan's sword. "Married"... he didn't want to think of Tomoyo marrying that asshole. She stabbed his heart out and wrenched it so every last drop of remaining blood fell from it and he was left with a corpse of something that used to beat within him.
Tomoyo, on the other hand, was driving herself bloody mad with Eriol's astonishing switches of emotions. He was hungry at one time, gentle the next, and raving mad the next. She had no real idea on what they wanted to pursue about. Now, again, Eriol flips one of his other "emotions" on and he's all of sudden quite resentful and with the same madness, but hurt and stung by what she had to offer from her side of the conversation. If you wanted to call in a conversation.
He reminded her of little boys in movies, who had been embarrassed or ripped of his pride and stormed out of a room. Little Eriol was never liked that, but of all times he chose to act this way, he was eighteen, nearing his adulthood. So unlike normal boys... if you could call him normal.
He sharply snapped his head to meet her. 'Great... not again.' She no longer held the sympathy she possessed for him as she did a moment before. They say the eyes are the key to one's soul... at least she vaguely remembered something like that being said to her, and it obviously showed true through Eriol's now fiery and zealous eyes and the dangerously awkward smirk plastered onto his face.
He mockingly hoisted himself up from the chair he found himself during sometime of their argument and buttoned the few buttons that loosened ajar and fixed his tie. He arrogantly gaited to the stand that held his coat and slipped his arms somewhat violently into the sleeves. Grabbing his hat and fitting it over his soft, yet wild hair, he turned upon his heel and stridently clicked his shoes upon the wooden floors until he met the dark wood end of her bedpost.
Crazed fervor held still in his eyes.
" You know what, Tomoyo? I don't need you!" He screamed at her harshly.
He decided to continue with his opinions about her with much scorn and emphasis.
" Do hear that? I DON'T NEED YOU. I'm absolutely and completely jaded with the chase you have me experiencing! I hate wondering about you! I don't want you trapped within my mind every waking and sleeping moment! I despise worrying about how the people around you, like hmmm... KAI, treat you! I hate you HAUNTING all of my steps! I wish I never met you! You are nothing to me! And most of all..."
It seemed to her that he began to cool down, but the next lexis wounded her just as much with the same, but harder tone of voice.
" Most of all... I hate YOU." The sheer calmness of those last three words truly punctured her soul. The tears welled up in her eyes terrorizing to plummet. He remained grounded where he stood directly in front of her bed as if trying to taunt or tantalize her in anyways possible that would cause her damage.
She was her mother's daughter, though. Strong if she wanted to be. And strength was what held her upon its brow now.
She took a whiff of air and as calmly and unaffectedly as she could, uttered the simple words that made up her final healthy deliverance to him.
As if on cue, he and her locked eyes. A cold, icy door opening to a tortured soul.
Her voice floated on air whispering in his ears.
" I guess this is for the best. I--- I--I suppose I'll never see you again. No matter how angry you are at me, Eriol. I'll still always love you. In death, I'll wait for your forgiveness if you hadn't forgiven me already. I wish you well in life. If I could, I'll light your way through times of darkness. There is so much I'd like to tell you, but I all I want to do is to protect you as much as I could before... well nevermind what I was going to say, but I guess spring will not come for me in the remainder of my life."
She heaved a great sigh before she finished her last sendings.
" I hope you much joy and to never, again, meet jealousy. I hope it will never drive you mad again. I have so many hopes for you, but I fear you tire of my talking so I shall conclude with this: I'll always be with you like I said and you shall always have me as I promised."
His pride made him more distant from the warm words she hoped to share with him. He let his ego and jealousy overpower his mind and devastatingly articulated, at Tomoyo's expense, his last words of the day.
A twitch formed devilishly upon his smirk. " Don't patronize me, Tomoyo. I can find my own way without your help. I hope you release whatever curse you have on me and let me be free from you. Let 'I and my wife, Kaho' live in peace. I..."
" HOPE..."
" YOU..."
" Diie..."
Those so apparently final words savagely ripped both Tomoyo's heart and mind. The intake of oxygen grew hoarse as Eriol brutally pounded his steps against the wood and slammed the barren door against the hinges that held it.
But... he didn't hear it. Or he chose not to hear it and closed his mind to whatever was associated with her.
Pulling out from the driveway and heading himself "back to work", he left the summer home without summer and foreboded it with total and unconditional loneliness.
If only he knew he should've been aware of his wishes. If wishes could kill... he would've been the first to successfully put it into action.
Congratulations Mr. "Mizuki"... congratulations.
She airily mumbled, " Did you forget?"
" Forget?... Forget about what, Tomoyo?"
She withdrew her hand from underneath her comforter.
A glimmering diamond bound to her finger. He quickly glanced and redirected his gaze upon something that wasn't the diamond bound to her finger. He snapped at her.
" You know, you never answered me."
" About?" Her eyes showing the curiosity of an unknown secret.
" About whether you loved him or not."
She paused to rightly bring the words out of her mouth. " I-I-I do love him. And-and- I shall continue to love him the way I love you."
" Do you really mean that? Am I just some acquaintance then?"
She heaved a slight sigh. " You know that I really don't mean all that."
" Then what do you mean?!" He was frustrated. " It's unfair."
" What do you mean unfair?"
He quickly clambered out of bed. He placed his glasses on the crook of his nose. He stood facing the eastern window with his back turned to her. He heavily groaned.
" This!" He punctually shot his hand out in a gesturing motion. " Us! Sometimes I feel like I'm pouring out my soul to you and then you come along and make everything so complicated. You make your feelings so ... unpredictable. You take it all in and then you push me away. What is it that you want?! What am I supposed to do?!" He flopped himself on the armchair.
She stared transfixed at him. His eyes burned blue fire. He'd never been so angry with her before. He was not supposed to be like this. He was the one that always kept his composure. Showed no feeling that would put him in a vulnerable state.
It was then she felt tension between them. She felt the difficulty of in taking air again. ' No, please not now.' As he doubled over and relaxed his head in his palms, she quickly grabbed at a tissue and turned away.
With difficulty, she tried to suppress what coughs she could but to no avail. He heard... he was suspicious. It was hard. God was testing her, she thought.
She heard the rustling of Eriol's pants as he slowly, but surely got out of the chair. She heard him come closer and closer to her bed. She continued her strenuous work of calming her nerves and damn coughs.
Then she felt the feeble sinking of the mattress as his knee came into contact with it. She felt the air of hesitation between both of them.
He came and undecidedly reached out his hand to touch her shoulder. To see if she was ok. He softly tapped her shoulder. She scooted farther away from him.
And this was how it was. He kept on tapping her until finally she reached the edge of the bed with nowhere else to go. She cleverly threw the drenched tissue she held in her hand before Eriol had the chance go see it.
Just as she thought, he carefully yanked her arm and twisted her around to him. He held the expression she assumed he would've held.
Worry.
He held out his palm to her.
" Give me your hand."
Confused, she set her hand delicately upon it releasing a small pent up cough.
She had briefly forgotten about her hands.
" Why are your hands stained red?"
She took a second look at it.
It was stained red. It had seeped through the tissue.
" What is it?"
Her eyes widened in a panic sort of expression
" Tomoyo..." His voice came out warningly.
" What?" She pasted on her "carefree, there's nothing wrong" smile.
" Wh-Wh-What was that?"
He took hold of her besmirched palm. He looked closer and examined it.
He knew what it was. Denial clouded his mind as he stupidly looked up and opened his mouth to protest.
" - It's fine! It's nothing."
He stared sternly at her. " Coughing up ... whatever that is, doesn't seem to be too.."
" It's just some throat discharges that goes along with me being sick. It's a ..."
" ... reaction?"
Her fingers fidgeted and intertwined with each other. " Y-Yea. It's from the medicine. It's nothing."
She slipped her hand into his loosed grasp and held his hand within both of hers.
" I'm fine." She said and delivered her winning smile. The one that won all other winning smiles. With that, he let his denial and the growing uncertainty inside of him go unnoticed. He couldn't help but get lost in her bright eyes and her glimmering smile. Brushing that thought away to the back of his mind, he seemed to have forgotten all that had happened before his discovery of her stained hand.
Though he whole-heartedly trusted her, he still felt the inner anxiety of her not telling him something. He was just tired. He didn't want to wonder, he didn't want to care, he didn't want to think about her every day and night, he hated worrying about how whoever this "Kai" treated her, he felt the uncontrollable anger rise from the very depths of his tortured and torn heart.
He rapidly rose and pulled his hands away from her and kept hold of a "betrayed" expression.
Tomoyo flinched at the roughness of his actions. His eyes burned again. He raised his hands in frustration. Word threatening to fly out of his mouth.
If she had not put her arms up to "guard" herself, he would've continued ranting on about what he planned to say and confess to her, but that simple feat told him he was scaring her far beyond he wanted to.
He brought those irritated hands to his sides and subtly, again, slid back on the bed and felt the skin... the fragile ivory skin of her arms. He reminded himself to lower his temper... to take hold of his emotions. The emotions he kept hidden so well before.
Sympathy showed through the midnight sky contained in his eyes and lowered her arms.
He looked, again, harmless, but he was still forceful in his speech.
" Did you think that I was going to hit you?"
She lifted her head and nodded hesitantly afraid he might go ballistic again.
He delivered an incredulous chuckle, which left her feeling a bit uneasy.
He gestured his hands back and forth from her to him. " Y-You really thought, I was going to hit you? That's real rich. Despite how thwarted I am with you, I'd never hit you. I haven't ever done so before. What made you think I'd do so now?"
She quietly found her voice amidst tautness between them.
" Y-You were different back then. You had ... had better control of your feelings before. You've let them out, Eriol. You show real, unadulterated sentiments of anger and fury. The fact that I haven't really seen you illustrate this through yourself surprises me. I don't know what you'll do next. Everything is haywire. You may have been Clow, Eriol, but that was a long time ago and the card capturing days are over. No matter how in control you might feel sometimes, half of you will still be Eriol Hiiragizawa. You're starting to grow out of that... and maybe its hormones or something, but it's scary because I've never seen this side of you before."
He didn't seem to want to admit that maybe... just maybe, Tomoyo might be right. He resumed his awful stare at nothingness. The reluctance of him speaking ushered her to continue.
" S-Sometimes, I think Sakura starts to notice this as well. You've been a bit off lately. From the personality you had before, I mean. You'll always be Eriol, but somewhere in that vast mind of yours... the pressure of being a normal teenage boy got to you. Maybe it's just a phase. It's not just Sakura either, my mother even questions me about what's going on in your life sometimes. Even Kai! He and my mother are non-magic folk and know nothing about the Sakura Cards and Clow Reed, but he even talks about your awkward behavior sometimes when you visit me. I know it sounds weird and from your point of view it doesn't seem like you've changed at all, but to those who know you well or know you at all... we... we just thought you were a bit off lately."
' Kai?! Of all people she brought in Kai?! Bullshit, he doesn't even know jack about me! Give it to someone who probably feels threatened by me judge me for what they 'think' I am!'
He swiveled his head casually and directed every single word that trickled out of his orifice to her. All he did in a cool, yet outwardly in a sarcastic tone.
" Let me tell you something, Ms. Daidouji. Don't talk to me about that son of a bitch. He knows nothing about me. Walks around like he knows what the hell he's talking about. My ass. He likes to think he knows everything seeing as how he feels he has connections to your family, but all he knows is crap. Leave it to a dimwit to tell you your own feelings for someone you've known since... I don't know... FOREVER?"
" ---We're only concerned about you, Eriol! You act as if Kai targets you, but you, in actuality target him! Out of Sakura and my mother, you pick him selectively to criticize. Honesty, Eriol! I don't even know you anymore! How is it that we'll get along when I'm married to him?! Have you ever thought about that?! You need to sort out your feelings 'now'! What's gotten into you?"
He took it hard. Like Tomoyo, herself, stabbed him with Syaroan's sword. "Married"... he didn't want to think of Tomoyo marrying that asshole. She stabbed his heart out and wrenched it so every last drop of remaining blood fell from it and he was left with a corpse of something that used to beat within him.
Tomoyo, on the other hand, was driving herself bloody mad with Eriol's astonishing switches of emotions. He was hungry at one time, gentle the next, and raving mad the next. She had no real idea on what they wanted to pursue about. Now, again, Eriol flips one of his other "emotions" on and he's all of sudden quite resentful and with the same madness, but hurt and stung by what she had to offer from her side of the conversation. If you wanted to call in a conversation.
He reminded her of little boys in movies, who had been embarrassed or ripped of his pride and stormed out of a room. Little Eriol was never liked that, but of all times he chose to act this way, he was eighteen, nearing his adulthood. So unlike normal boys... if you could call him normal.
He sharply snapped his head to meet her. 'Great... not again.' She no longer held the sympathy she possessed for him as she did a moment before. They say the eyes are the key to one's soul... at least she vaguely remembered something like that being said to her, and it obviously showed true through Eriol's now fiery and zealous eyes and the dangerously awkward smirk plastered onto his face.
He mockingly hoisted himself up from the chair he found himself during sometime of their argument and buttoned the few buttons that loosened ajar and fixed his tie. He arrogantly gaited to the stand that held his coat and slipped his arms somewhat violently into the sleeves. Grabbing his hat and fitting it over his soft, yet wild hair, he turned upon his heel and stridently clicked his shoes upon the wooden floors until he met the dark wood end of her bedpost.
Crazed fervor held still in his eyes.
" You know what, Tomoyo? I don't need you!" He screamed at her harshly.
He decided to continue with his opinions about her with much scorn and emphasis.
" Do hear that? I DON'T NEED YOU. I'm absolutely and completely jaded with the chase you have me experiencing! I hate wondering about you! I don't want you trapped within my mind every waking and sleeping moment! I despise worrying about how the people around you, like hmmm... KAI, treat you! I hate you HAUNTING all of my steps! I wish I never met you! You are nothing to me! And most of all..."
It seemed to her that he began to cool down, but the next lexis wounded her just as much with the same, but harder tone of voice.
" Most of all... I hate YOU." The sheer calmness of those last three words truly punctured her soul. The tears welled up in her eyes terrorizing to plummet. He remained grounded where he stood directly in front of her bed as if trying to taunt or tantalize her in anyways possible that would cause her damage.
She was her mother's daughter, though. Strong if she wanted to be. And strength was what held her upon its brow now.
She took a whiff of air and as calmly and unaffectedly as she could, uttered the simple words that made up her final healthy deliverance to him.
As if on cue, he and her locked eyes. A cold, icy door opening to a tortured soul.
Her voice floated on air whispering in his ears.
" I guess this is for the best. I--- I--I suppose I'll never see you again. No matter how angry you are at me, Eriol. I'll still always love you. In death, I'll wait for your forgiveness if you hadn't forgiven me already. I wish you well in life. If I could, I'll light your way through times of darkness. There is so much I'd like to tell you, but I all I want to do is to protect you as much as I could before... well nevermind what I was going to say, but I guess spring will not come for me in the remainder of my life."
She heaved a great sigh before she finished her last sendings.
" I hope you much joy and to never, again, meet jealousy. I hope it will never drive you mad again. I have so many hopes for you, but I fear you tire of my talking so I shall conclude with this: I'll always be with you like I said and you shall always have me as I promised."
His pride made him more distant from the warm words she hoped to share with him. He let his ego and jealousy overpower his mind and devastatingly articulated, at Tomoyo's expense, his last words of the day.
A twitch formed devilishly upon his smirk. " Don't patronize me, Tomoyo. I can find my own way without your help. I hope you release whatever curse you have on me and let me be free from you. Let 'I and my wife, Kaho' live in peace. I..."
" HOPE..."
" YOU..."
" Diie..."
Those so apparently final words savagely ripped both Tomoyo's heart and mind. The intake of oxygen grew hoarse as Eriol brutally pounded his steps against the wood and slammed the barren door against the hinges that held it.
But... he didn't hear it. Or he chose not to hear it and closed his mind to whatever was associated with her.
Pulling out from the driveway and heading himself "back to work", he left the summer home without summer and foreboded it with total and unconditional loneliness.
If only he knew he should've been aware of his wishes. If wishes could kill... he would've been the first to successfully put it into action.
Congratulations Mr. "Mizuki"... congratulations.