Disclaimer: Prince of Tennis belongs to Konomi. I do not own or earn money from this I am just writing a story because I felt like doing so. So please no one sue me.
Authors Note: Information on brain tumors in case some of you are curious. [Rather a sad story by description.] I am just trying to portray something using characters to show a intensiveness toward living in this sort of situation. I hope no one minds if I make some mistakes I am after all only human. Though I won't be going into too much detail if I did this thing would take to long and I won't be able to finish other stories.
Title: Marbels
Rating: PG-13
Anime: POT
Relationship: Fujicest
Author: Fuji S. Yuki
He was losing his mind. It wasn't something he didn't understand; he knew that some people started to lose memories. Yeah right if only they had some disorder or disease, or even an injury. Yet, he couldn't ever remember getting hurt. However, it seems he was losing them slowly and perhaps painfully.
It was almost like a basin full of marble's and somehow the basin had sprouted a hole, one by one, the marble's started to disappear. One would think that if one lost a memory they wouldn't remember it and therefore feel nothing. That would be true, however not everyone is like Fuji Syusuke. At a young age he took pictures, and was taken pictures of, it was a norm to him. However, when he started to go through a box filled of items with little trinkets he could barely remember where they came from. He wasn't normally this way, he could remember events, occurrences, the breakfast he had since he was born. It was scary, and the one thing he didn't like was to be feeling frightened.
The memory he lost was something very precious to him. It was the memory of him at a carnival with his little brother Yuuta. That was the first memory that he lost, he only knew that he forgotten it, was when he went through the pictures and saw something he didn't remember. That was when his sister Yumiko came in to talk to him, finding him in a nervous wreck, his glass vase he had lay shattered between him and the picture. His hands strewed through his ruffled hair and him in pain.
The panic that his sister went through while driving him to the doctors was rather terse. It was there the doctors ran tests on him, trying to figure out the cause of his repressed memories. What they found was a tumor developing in his brain. It was of course shocking for his family when they founded out.
Only person that didn't know was Yuuta, Syusuke didn't want his brother to know. After all, it was just some abnormal growth right. It was ridiculous of course, that everyone would be putting themselves off just trying to comfort him. Even the doctor said he was fine, however the tumor itself is something that could go away, stay, or develop into cancer. Only thing the doctors could recommend is that they could place him in surgery if things get worse. Yet, they wouldn't recommend it until they did more tests.
Syusuke remain silent through the whole thing, he understood what a tumor was, he understood the meaning behind the word cancer. However, the one thing he was more concern about wasn't about losing his life, but the memories that he held so close and dear. His family was trying to decide on what to do; Syusuke told them not to say anything to his friends or anyone. All he wanted to do was live life normally.
Therefore, things were at a standstill, and each day Syusuke went to school play tennis, and his sister came, and picks him up, it was fine.
Tezuka was in German at the time, he was busy tying his shoes, when the strap broke. Pausing he stared at the broken pieces in worry. The lace he held was something Fuji lent to him and never took back. Slowly his eyes went to the clock noting that by now Fuji and the other's would be asleep. He wonder if something had happened to the ever-present smiling tensai and made it a note to ask Oishi later on.
Meanwhile in the Fuji Household, the tensai was busy with a digital camera. He was busy staring at the directions; he wanted to make sure that things were all square out, so that he could remember what happened everyday. Call it paranoia, but he didn't want to forget, and if somehow a small segment of him was logged onto the wonder of technology at least he could review his life.
Until—one day on the courts he collapsed.
Beep Beep Beep Di Di Beep Di Di Beep
The constant sound of the monitor was what Fuji awoke too, his eyes tiredly looked around, until he noticed his siblings were sleeping in his room. Yes, they were his siblings, he remembered, coughing drawing the attention of his sister and brother.
"Aniki." Yuuta whispered.
"Syusuke." Yumiko cried out in relief, "How are you feeling?"
Fuji smiled his regular smile, even though there were these nose plugs giving him breath of oxygen. "Mmm I feel fine, what happened." It felt odd that his voice seem slurred, slightly disjointed.
Yumiko gave a nervous glance at Yuuta then glances back at Fuji with apologetic smile, "Your condition has been getting worse." She whispered.
Yuuta's eyes seem to have narrowed a bit upset until he burst out in anger. "Why didn't you tell me Baka Aniki?"
"Yuuta." Fuji whispers softly, "I wanted you to remember me as the brother before. I didn't want you to see me as something that is a shell of who I am." His eyes were open now showing emotions, he was too tired trying to keep up the façade of smiling face.
"Aniki." Yuuta whispered slightly taken back, he didn't know things were this serious. The doctors wouldn't tell him much, only that Syusuke was very sick, and that was that.
"I have a tumor Yuuta." Fuji slowly close his eyes, the mask creeping onto his face, even though he was weary, he didn't want them to see his pain so he tried to keep it light. "It might become cancer."
"Syusuke." Yumiko's hand slid into her little brother's hand squeezing gently to let him know that she was here for him.
Fuji gave a reassuring smile at his sister, "It isn't that bad Yuuta, I am sure I'll be out of here soon enough." His lips trembled a bit, while inwardly he knew that sometimes the flooding of his sadness the anger of being cheated out of his life. It was so wrong, he didn't want to lose things that were close to him. Yet he didn't want Yuuta know that his memory was slipping quickly, he could feel it, the missing gaps in his minds. The memory of information of what he did yesterday wasn't as clear or sharp like usual. It was all blurring together and he was scared. Kami-sama he was so scared.
Yumiko knew her brother didn't want to burden them both, especially his little brother. Syusuke was always that way, caring, loving, and overly protective. Yet, when she was young, and Syusuke was a baby, she never remembers ever taking care of him in the way Syusuke had for Yuuta. Surely she does pick up Fuji, help him home, giving him food, and even watching over him. Nevertheless, was it enough? She couldn't find it in herself to figure out a way over Fuji's wall the one that didn't want other's to see him weak.
Yuuta didn't know the real reason why Fuji was in here; he didn't know that his brother was slowly losing himself, let alone the memory of his life. Yuuta didn't know how much pain his Aniki is going through, and that is a sad thing in Yumiko's opinion. She half understood why Syusuke wanted Yuuta in the dark, even though she never did agree.
At the end of visiting hours Fuji went back to staring out of the window he had seen Yuuta, it was good seeing his brother. It was good to know that his brother cared about him, however he didn't want the other's pity. He didn't want to be remembered as weak, he wanted to be remembering as himself. "Sa sa…" He whispers, "I wonder how long til it is the end?" Chuckling softly at the irony of things, he wasn't afraid to die, he just was bitter at losing his mind for to lose oneself. At least if one dies he is whole and not fallen in pieces.
Yuuta had reached home; he knew there was something else that his brother wasn't telling him. The same goes for his sister. It was a hunch with the way Fuji would always smile, and how his fingers were white knuckled whenever he talked about things. Was his brother afraid to die? No that can't be, his brother wasn't one to be afraid of losing his life. He wasn't that shallow, and even though he did admit that his brother was an enigma he still loved the other.
Walking around in his room, he slid across the hallway into his brother's room. It was normally clean, however by what he can tell the floor held a stain on the floor with pictures littering the floor. By what Yuuta could tell the pictures of the time when he and Syusuke went to a festival it was rather fun and he remember it clearly. It made him wonder what his brother was doing before this had happened. Other pictures of different mementos were spread around the area. The digital camera glinted on the desk, and seems to be set up in a certain way so that it faced the bed. It made him wonder slightly when his brother had gotten the digital camera.
Strolling over to it, he turned it on, and immediately the system boot up to show a picture of Fuji Syusuke with his eyes open, full of something. Curious Yuuta pressed the play button.
Fuji sat on his bed staring at the camera with a faint smile on his face, "This probably seems stupid, especially to the me right now watching this recording. I haven't really figured out how to program this thing let alone how to store it away for me to watch later on." Sapphire eyes were open the entirely time Yuuta watched as his brother talked, while looking into the digital camera.
"Aniki." Sliding onto Syusuke bed, he stares at the camera in wonder.
"Well let's get this over with, there is only how much time before the end comes for me." Fuji whispered softly as he brushed his hair from his face. "I am Fuji Syusuke. I go to school in Seigaku and I have friends. You're probably wondering why you're watching this -the me- that is probably losing grip of reality. Your probably wondering why this strange person that looks like you is making a recording. I suppose you can call it a desperate act to try to keep or retain a part of myself." A soft chuckle, tears slowly slid down the smiling face, "I guess it is true one can be immortalized on technology, but the person that is the sentinel being is lost forever. Forgive me I am getting ahead of myself."
"What does he mean losing himself?" Yuuta mutters puzzled as to why his brother seem a bit different, sad, maybe even depressed.
"It started a couple of weeks ago I suppose from this recording. I've remembered going through some pictures. Trying to see if I can post them into an album and all, to show Yuuta. In a last ditch attempt to at least become closer to him. Yuuta has been becoming more distant from me, it hurts that he is, but I don't blame him. After all who would want a brother like me."
These words made Yuuta flinch the self-deprecations that resounded in his brother's voice. It was true he tries to avoid his brother, he couldn't stand it being near the other, and being consider his shadow. He wanted to be someone that could stand not in other people's footsteps but his own.
"It was then I notice that I couldn't remember this particular picture of when me and Yuuta were small. I started to get mind quakes afterwards. Yumiko-neesan found me and rushes me to hospital. There I found out that I had a tumor, and it was affecting my memory." A pause and a slight breathing noise as the tensai try to hold back his emotions and tears. "I was losing the thing that made me Fuji Syusuke. I am not scared of dying, I never had been everyone has to go. However, I expected that I would go when I wasn't in pieces, or a lesser form of myself." Shoulders now shaking a hand block the view of the older boys face, while water stream down his hands. Trying to barricade the torn expression. "My memories are all that I have, isn't that pathetic?" He laughs and threw his head back a bit hysterical. "I suppose you think I am a mad man, I suppose I probably am." Pearls of laughter danced merrily in red swollen eyes. "If my friends were to see this recording, they would probably freak out from seeing me reacting with emotions with feeling."
The tensai flopped back onto the bed, "Your probably wondering why I said I have nothing else but my memories." Syusuke wave his hand here and there in a gesture of despair. "You see, I am all alone right now, the person I mostly love hates me. The memories I have of him is locked away in memories, but—even now I am even losing that."
Yuuta froze slightly, wondering whom his brother love so much in order to be feeling this wretched about. He never did pay attention to his brother's love life, he wonder if the other was nice and if she would stick by his brother.
"Sometimes I wonder if I should just end it. Take sleeping pills overdose on them so that way I might retain myself and die not in pieces, but as a whole." Fuji's voice came muffled from the pillow he gripped on, then he turned to look at the camera, the mask was off, "I wonder if it would be better, for the other if I didn't exist. He always did say he hated me." Droplets of tears stained the pillow and cloth, "I guess he might end up with his wish."
Leaning closer Yuuta pressed his finger against the screen, his chest hurting at the pure pain his brother must be suffering. He wonder why the other never told him what was going on with him. Why his brother didn't let him know that he was suffering so badly?
"I wonder if Yuuta would be happy if I just disappear." The sapphire eyes seem to close slowly, "I am just so tired mmm…it would be good to just disappear."
Not able to take anymore Yuuta shut off the recording and flopped down onto the bed tears leak out of the corner of his eyes, and he gripped onto his chest in faint pain. It was wrong, all of this was wrong, he felt like a jerk to watch something that private that belong to his brother. He felt like a jackass for making his brother feel that he hated him when in truth it was the opposite. He never knew that his brother care that deeply for him, and yet it felt weird to know that the other loved him in a fashion that he too shared.
Reason behind why Yuuta acted the way he did to his Aniki. He had love his brother forever, he felt disgusted with himself for the uncommon love. After all he and Syusuke were siblings, they were flesh and blood and it seem wrong. With ever minute he was near the other he fears that his brother would find out, and would grow to hate him, find him disgusting, and the one thing he couldn't stand was the loss of his brother. So he pushes the other away, acted like he hated him, when in truth he loves the other with all his heart.
Jerking a bit Yuuta slid his cellphone out of his pocket noticing that it was his sister, he pressed accept to hear what she has to say. "What is it nee-san?"
"Yuuta." Yumiko's voice sounded scared, "Syusuke had a seizure."
Yuuta felt the world slowly grind to a halt. "I'll be there as soon as possible Nee-san." Hanging up he quickly called a cab in order to get to the hospital.
It had been one week since the tensai had the seizure; it was by a small chance of grace that the seizure stopped. If it had gone on any longer, damage would have occurred more extensively on the slim boy. Well-wishers had gone and come, after hearing of Fuji's health. The family was given support in this crisis; the range of people came from rivals, to high school, and tennis club members. Flowers liter the hospital room, where the form of the tennis prodigy laid.
Sometimes Syusuke would come out of his sleep, half drugged like state, looking around and then falling back to sleep. This went on and off, for several days, Yuuta had stayed by Syusuke side, eating when he could, and doing his homework beside his brother. Yumiko had tried to make her little brother go home to sleep, but Yuuta insisted that he wanted to be beside his brother.
Writing in his journal he notice a slight twitch in his brother's hand, and slowly eyelids open to reveal clear pained sapphire eyes. They wander around the room from corner to corner until they focused on the concentrating Yuuta. "Yuuta." Syusuke rasped, wondering why his throat was so dry.
Yuuta jerked and look slightly relieved, he brought over a cup of water that was meant for him and help his brother drink it slowly. "Easy there Aniki."
After finished with drinking, a weak frail hand connected to an IV pushed it away signaling he had enough. "How long?" Croaking out unhappy that he could only manage a couple of words.
"Almost a week. You had a seizure, it was lucky it didn't last." Yuuta mentioned as a after note, while eyeing his brother warily. The smile wasn't in place anymore only tired eyes look at him with weakness. It was disturbing that his brother would appear this weak. "Aniki." Yuuta paused, feeling guilty, but knowing that he had to tell the other, to let the other know what he had done. "I saw the video you made on the digital camera."
A sparkle of something glinted in the sapphire eyes, and then they closed as Syusuke try to turn his back away from Yuuta.
"Why didn't you tell me?" The silver eye boy blurted out, wanting to know and yet feeling slightly unsettled at his brother giving him a cold shoulder. As he tried again, he couldn't get any response from his brother, and once he thought it was useless he flopped down onto the chair in frustration at how his brother could be so stubborn.
Soft whisper words were faint in the white room that contains the two brothers. "I don't need your pity."
"What?"
"You heard me." Fuji drew the white blankets around him feeling cold and dead inside, "I don't want your pity."
"Baka Aniki." Noticing the stiffening of his brother's shoulder at those words, "Why do you think I would pity you?"
"You hate me."
Yuuta grimaces, "I don't I love you." Running his finger through his hair he walked to the other side to grip onto his brother's chin and tilted it up. "Stop being a brat Aniki, and just listen to me." Frustrated beyond belief at this display of childishness from his older brother.
"You're lying."
That was the last straw, it was enough, the twisted pain in his heart, and the forever-haunting look of sadness in those sapphire eyes weren't something he wanted to remember. Jerking the other's face upward he lean over and kissed his brother hard with all his frustration, his pain, his love, and the bittersweet sadness of everything he had to hide.
Hands grip onto Yuuta's arm squeezing while the boy in the bed weakly tries to push away his younger brother. The tensai didn't want this sort of thing especially if it was pity. He didn't want to feel anymore pain if unnecessary especially since he consider it something cruel. To feel something deeper to find out that through all this time it was being wasted because of the love that did exist. Fuji couldn't bear this it was too much and for him he tried to resist stubbornly. He didn't want his brother to be hurt; he didn't want to hurt when or if he died.
Fuji accepted that he was going to die, he didn't want hope to live especially not now, not when he wanted to end things quickly. With a burst of strength Fuji pushed away Yuuta and gasp for breath his heart pounding and his head hurt. "Yuuta don't…"
"Why? Aniki?" Yuuta gripped onto the hospital gown of his brother trying to look into those eyes that seem turned away from him. "Why won't you allow this? Wasn't this what you wanted? Why won't you believe me that I do love you?"
Syusuke closes his eyes resignedly, "You ask me why Yuuta, but have you consider that you might be pressured with guilt maybe pity for me." The pale arm slid over to the other side away from Yuuta as Fuji turned his back on his brother. The tubes that fed IV into the tensai's pale arm glowed faintly.
"Aniki."
"-Stop-" Silences resounded in the room the two occupants were conflicting in emotions, the need the love they felt and the sense of dread. "Yuuta-haven't you've given thought to what happen if we accept this love?"
Speechlessly Yuuta jerked a bit surprised when he felt a hand tug him down and he stared into those eyes again, "Aniki?"
Pale cold fingers trail down Yuuta's cheek the smooth bronze skin contrasted deeply from brother to brother. "Yuuta." The tensai whispered, "You will suffer if you stay with me. I can't live with that thought for you."
"What?" Emotions of confusion flooded the cool silver eyes, "What do you mean Aniki?"
"Shhh…" A finger pressed against the lips hushing it, "Listen to your Aniki, Yuuta." Hushing the teenager and in a way it made Yuuta remember when his big brother would do that when it was important when they were children. It was something he loved of his brother the kindness in everything he did. "Brain tumor is very serious Yuuta especially where the tumor is located at—if things goes on I'll have short term memory lapses like I do now. I would forget many things maybe you and everything. I might wake up one minute and ask the question like who am I or so on so forth and who are you."
Yuuta shook his head, "But—"
"No but's Yuuta. I don't want you to feel that pain when that keeps on happening." Fuji gave an empty smile his eyes closed hiding his emotions of the unbearable loneliness for he knew that he had to let go of his brother for his own good. "I don't want you to feel that suffering of seeing me lesser of a man. A person that can't or isn't worthy of you."
"You're wrong! You're everything your worthy of—" The hand clamp over his mouth silences him.
Hissing slightly Fuji took a deep breath trying to calm himself from the agitation. "I am trying to do you a favor!" Coughing started to start up in the slight frame and Syusuke curled up into a ball his body trembled violently. "Yuuta don't make this anymore harder for me."
"Why are you giving up? My brother never gives up." Yuuta crawls into the bed and slid his arms around Fuji, "Why Aniki? Why are you trying to push me away and don't tell me it is because of the pain."
Syusuke knew inwardly even though he denied it so viciously, even though he kept on lying to himself with everything he said. "Yuuta—I don't want to die." His fingers curled around his form around and he felt the arms of his little brother slid around him, "I'm scare. Scare of losing myself of forgetting everyone. I don't want to die half of what I am—I don't want to die." His frame trembled more, "You see why I am not worthy of you—I am weak Yuuta."
"Aniki." Yuuta closed his eyes and lean his head against the back of his brother his hands being careful not to brush the area where the IV were plugged in. "It isn't weak to be afraid isn't that what you told me?"
"Yuuta—would you really stay?" Syusuke voice sounded insecure to Yuuta that it made his heart lunged at how weak and small his brother sounded. Before it was Syusuke that took care of him defended him love him so dearly that he was one to deny it and cause so much pain to his brother. All that time they wasted because of his silent fears, and now his brother needed him.
Syusuke gave him the one thing he wanted so badly to be worthy to stand on his own to be needed. -Yet- at what price of his brother pride did he have to swallow in order to ask? He knew that his brother was one to be prideful and stubborn almost like him, but at a more quiet and subtle way, "Hai, Aniki I will. We both get through this just you wait and see. But—don't give up Aniki it would make me sad ne?"
"Aa—Yuuta arigato."
Both boys fell asleep that way it was Yumiko that had found them together. Her heart felt at peace at the sight of her brother's finally acknowledging what was denied for so long. Taking out a camera she took a picture of such a sight wanting to immortalize things. Then just as quietly she crept away letting the two catch up on their rest.
It was two years later that since that day, things had changed for almost everyone in the tennis world and the Seigaku regulars. One they had all graduated from middle school and it was recently that all of them met up in the High School. Many of the regulars had popped up in the Kawamura Sushi House some joked around other's were quiet and contemplative. It had been a long journey for many of them, they had fought enemies, bitter rivals, and had their laughs together, even cried together.
Echizen Ryoma had grown up a bit, he had filled out here and there but the same regular look of boredom was pasted onto his face. While Momoshiro was beside him thumping him on the head while trying to steal away some of the food offered.
Taka-san was busy making sushi with his father, he had gotten a bit better at what he was doing and was excelling to the gratefulness of his father. Though on the way there was a bit of sacrifices on some of the fish, due to his mistakes, but oh well he was doing just fine now.
Inui was still the same though he tended to sit next to Kaidoh more often then not and was sprouting down data into his computerized PDA.
Kaidoh being the regular Mamushi had grown taller due to Inui's monitoring he still regularly wore a bandana but this time it was in the shade of blue. Tezuka being his regular fun self sat at the Sushi bar beside the teacher for Seigaku High School. He of course had grown use to the commotion, as for the Golden Pair they were busy talking and laughing together always the pride of their school. The red and black hair teenager was a great contrast in personality, but they were the best partners together.
The door swung open as the bell tinkered loudly, "Aa—welcome." Takashi and his father called out but paused in surprise at the sight of someone they didn't except to be attending.
Fuji Yuuta stood taller then before his silver lighted eyes twinkled in amusement, "Hello."
"Aa—Fuji-san welcome." Takashi called out, it had been recently that Fuji Yuuta had joined the Seigaku High School though it disappointed many of the St. Ruldolph teammates of his. Yuuta was fine with the change he had rapidly slid into place with the other regulars.
There had been much speculation as to why Yuuta had decided to attend Seigaku High School.
"Thank you Taka-san." Another voice called out from behind Yuuta making everyone in the room freeze in surprise as they all turned to the doorway, as Yuuta move out of the way to let his brother in.
"FUJI!!" Many of the regulars called out in surprise, it had been two years ago since they had last seen Fuji Syusuke since he had went to America for surgery with the best doctors. Even though he attended Seigaku High School he was only doing his studies by mail correspondence due to the chemotherapy treatment.
Some had wonder why Yuuta did not go with his brother, but the other boy wasn't one to part with information.
Syusuke walked in his eyes wide open with amusement, "Konnichawa Minna-san." The Fuji Syusuke they had all known had grown up too, his hair was a bit longer then it was before, and the slight frame was still the same on a taller body. The Sapphire eyes were deeper like before and mischievous.
A burst of red clamor onto Syusuke in hyperactivity, "Fuji!! Why didn't you let me know that you were coming back???" Kikumaru cried out he had missed his best friend even though he knew it was in the tensai's best interest and all to go for that surgery in America.
"Simple it would have ruined the surprise."
Yuuta had been watching the interaction in amusement, surely he had missed his brother as well and the phone calls they had booked up were long. They still kept in touch a lot by any form of communication the bond between him and his brother and well now lover was deeper then any blood. "Ne Aniki sits down before you fall over."
"Ma ne." Syusuke smiled a wide one at his brother, "Of course my cute little Koi. I'll do anything for you."
Yuuta flushed at the public display his brother showered onto him, this drew laughter from his and his brother's friends. Yes his brother was coming back to being normal as normal can be.
The surgery and treatments were a success in one way or another, Syusuke knew this—but still even though he had come back home to his love he was satisfied that he would one day be whole. He no longer had to fear losing those marbles he cherished so much, for even though one fades another would take it's place, but for now he can keep those marbles in that basin. For the sprouted hole was now patched up and those lost memories would be replaced and filled up until the basin over floods. With the love he feels and with the memories that he makes with his friends and most of all with Yuuta.
Completed
1*26*04 11:16 PMT