Chapter 12: Never
Summer soon arrived. Many times, she spent her days with a good book sitting upon her balcony and contemplating the children that ran down the shores without a care in the world. Something she yearned now for more than ever. She finally understood what people meant when they say that you really don't miss it until it's really gone.
That day, the sun shown bright exploding in a million rays that showered the earth with its warmth. It would've been a good day to have a wedding.
Tomoyo glanced down at her hands. It seemed incredibly... plain. Plainer than it has been for a while. There, on her left finger no longer held a ring or a wedding band. It was just blank. Well not at all blank, but that sparkling engagement had been so used to being bound upon her finger that it felt alone without it now.
A feeling not so unfamiliar to her these days.
Still, there remains something there. A small strand of hemp wound itself around her left finger nowadays. Nothing more. Her constant visitors no longer busied themselves with being by her bed anymore.
She didn't mind though. This was all for the best. Besides, the endless attention drove her a bit mad sometimes.
Her mother, now, resumed her normal working schedule and Kai... well Kai now lives in England managing the second toy company established outside of the country by her mother. Last time she heard from him, he had met up with a girl one year his junior. He sounded happy when he wrote to her and she was very glad for him. Very content for him, indeed.
She was always thankful for Kai understanding that she only wanted the best for him. Giving back that engagement ring was the best thing she could do for him. Urging him to go on without her meant saving him from a fruitless marriage. Hearing from his successes and happiness always erased some of her troubles away.
Summer never felt so lonely.
Now winter blew in cold after the departure of fall and she now felt the cold jab of a life nearing its end. Oddly enough, she was able to walk again. However, that's how it was with her sickness. Once she thought she was all well again, it goes and snatches back at all her and her mother's hope. With the advantage she had right now, she wanted to do all that she can.
Being cooped up in that summer home was driving her to insanity. She wanted to go out and feel snow. That was her last wish. To be able to tread in the snow and feel the freezing wind blow against her face before she could not experience it anymore.
Her mother had forbid her though. Still holding onto the hope that things would miraculously turn for the better. Ignorant of the future of her only child. Nowadays, she felt most worried about her mother. Always busy with the business and yet always finding the time of day to be with Tomoyo in those last faithful days.
She tried to always keep the façade of hope up whenever her mother was there, but all it was, was a fool's hope. Nothing more.
She knew what was to become of her and she would face it head on. Besides, she still had to prepare herself for the long wait until Eriol came home to God and forgive her.
The clock chimed the hour of 6 and she grew worried. Her mother had not come home to pick her up yet. Coincidentally, as this thought washed over her mind, the phone rang. She nimbly went to pick up the cordless.
" Hello?"
" Tomoyo! You're not here yet! What are you doing at home? You said you would be here at 6 and now it's 6 and you're still home! It will take at least an hour to get you back to my house!"
Tomoyo giggled softly at Sakura's excitement. After all, it was a Christmas party. " My mother isn't home yet. I'm sorry. She said she'd be sure to get back home to take me today. You know. how it's the last-."
" DON'T SAY THAT, TOMOYO! Stop being morbid. Those doctors aren't even sure of why you're being sick for so long. You're not going to die, so stop it with all this nonsense. Maybe it's long-term influenza. You know- you know how that virus always changes... and that's probably what you have."
' Those dumb doctors wouldn't know influenza if it hit them square in the face with a sign identifying them as the flu. They have done nothing to better her situation.'
Tomoyo could hear those choked up tears from her end of the phone line. Sakura... she was one of those remaining loved ones that shared the same outlook as her mom. Always trusting the better of the situation and trying to blind herself with the truth.
Tomoyo knew. Sakura had magic after all. Despite the long years of not using it, Tomoyo always knew that Sakura had a feel for things and it was quite obviously Tomoyo was fading. Syaroan had known from the start. Always keeping to himself and offering comforting words. She knew he felt her aura diminishing day by day.
Sakura, however, went on with the conversation. " Well, I'll try to reach your mother at work and tell her your waiting and I'll call you back. As for now, keep warm, Tomoyo."
She heard Syaroan's sudden voice pop into the discussion. " Hey, Tomoyo. What's keeping you?"
" Syaroan! I told you to go see if any guests are coming downstairs!"
" No one's here yet! Chill out! I am downstairs."
A sigh of frustration was heard from Sakura's end of the phone. " Fine."
" Anyways, I'll see you. And don't worry! I'll call your mom for you. No problems, alright?"
Tomoyo chuckled at Sakura's optimism. " All right. See ya then."
" Ok, bye--."
" Bye."
" Syaroan! You're still on the phone?! Oye..."
" Yes! Bye, Tomoyo."
" Yea, bye, Tomoyo."
Thinking of the married couple still made her laugh. Their lovely bickering still seemed endless as endless as their love. Lost in her thoughts, the sudden interruption of Sakura's voice came to conscious.
" Tomoyo?"
--" Oh yea, I'm still here. Goodbye, Syaroan. Goodbye, Sakura."
And so ended their final spoken meeting.
The snowflakes flew steadily and the frost it brought with them fogged her window slightly.
A deep mourning foreboded her. The desire to feel the earth's elements drove her well being senseless. The urge to go out and walk on the beach like a normal person and enjoy the snowy atmosphere made her insane.
She glanced at the clock. It was six and one fourth of the hours. And every minute looking at the window felt like an eternity. The ticking of the grandfather clock taunted her. Finally, she couldn't help it. She shattered. If she couldn't have the one thing she wanted most, she would have this.
She left a note and opened the door to her room and descended the stairs wrapped in a scarf, a woolen lined pea coat, snow boots, and a black leather taxicab hat.
The burst of cold air interrupted the burning fire in the kitchen as she opened the back door. She cautiously made her way across the frozen backyard to the back door and prepared herself to descend the slippery rocks that led down to the beach.
Already, she could feel the "strength" returning to her. She could sense the vigor she possessed before she was sick. It uplifted her spirits to feel the way she felt when she did not discover the plague that shadowed her now.
But after all... this was what it felt like many times... that is, before the unknown bad health consumed her again.
She refused to think of this, though. This was her only chance to get out and she was going to bask in the glory of winter before her mother found out and dragged her back to that forsaken home. The place once she loved so much became the object of her insanity.
At long last, her descendent came to an end and she began to walk along the partially snow covered sands. The power she felt within herself excited her beyond all aspects. She so longed now, more than anything to be well again and be able to do the things she could be able to do a year ago. It had felt so distant now. One year of lesser eternities.
She kicked the snow with the legs that now worked just as good as before and saw the flailing fragments of snow uncover the sodden grains of sands below. After about half a mile of treading among the beach shore, she impulsely realized the joy it brought to her.
This walk was like a gift from the heavens and now a sense of happiness made her feel adolescent again and so she twirled and twirled facing her head to the sky and yelling as well as half pleading to the sky. " Save me!"
That pointless statement, however, reminded her of everything that brought her to despair. The twirling stopped, the dizziness devoured her, and the series of coughing that had seemed to disappear a few days ago reappeared and tortured her lungs again.
The cold air made it harder to breathe. So much harder. And all the potency her legs held gave out. She refused to give up. She propped her legs back up and found herself once again upon the floor.
This wasn't what she wanted. She could feel the deep dark aura of a lifeless thing pursuing her.
' No... please no.'
She didn't want to end like this. She regretted now leaving the warm house that protected her. The snow and frozenness no longer felt so inviting. It ragged her breath scraped at her lungs.
With what she had left, she pulled her reluctant hands from the pockets of her coat and began to her body back to the slight rock wall and makes her way up to the streets above and to the city.
She was sure there were people up over the beached hill. She could slightly hear the whooshing of cars as they passed by in the raining flurry mixed with the sounds of the chaotic seas that are beginning to rise to where she laid now. About ten or so more feet, it would rise to meet her lonely end.
She silently cried out for what could hear her, but it was hopeless. She was doomed. She could feel herself slipping grips and she grasped harder to life.
However harder she clutched to life, the harder it burned to hold its grasp. It hurt. Every breath she tried to breathe ended up in a horribly bloody cough that triggered the many outbursts of others. Peaceful breaths were not available to her. The intake of air now consisted in between the coughing. Wheezes and pants are all that left her from losing seize of existence.
It would be so much easier to let go and freeze to death, but a sorrowful sense of waiting refused to let her go. It felt as if she was hanging on a cliff, with one hand clutching to the cliff walls and someone else holding her hand, but it was her who needed to hoist herself from the drop to oblivion.
With one last pull from her hand, she could no longer drag her body up the rocky hill. She collapsed behind a large bolder that kept her body from sliding down the slope.
' I can't go on.' The terror of dying alone made her cry a silent cry. Her eyes began to burn from the warm tears that came into contact with the microscopic particles of the snowfall. She cried a sorrowful cry for what she would never see again.
She would never see spring again. She would never see flowers blooming. Never see a spring rainfall. Never see a summer's day. Never see children running down the sunny beach shores laughing away their troubles. She would never see the naïve face of Sakura. She would never again be able to poke fun at Syaroan's shyness. Nor would she see her mother's face trying to make her breakfast, but failing in the end.
The thing that hurt the most was that all she wanted was to please Eriol's wishes and now that she almost came to accomplishing so, she felt the rigid, bitter prick of resentment. Yes. What hurt the most of never seeing Eriol again.
Never see him sleep on a car ride. Never see him swim in the sea. Never see him lie on his back on the sand again. Never dance and play in the wildflower meadows again. Never picking apples with him again. Never riding horses in the woods by the ranch. Never see him try to beat her running home. Never having breakfast with him. Never sleeping huddled on the same bed during a storm again. Never making him carry her on his back when she was too lazy to walk. Never seeing him pull up in the driveway to take her somewhere where they could have fun again. Never go to those dreadful dinner parties her mother made her go to with him again. Never dancing idiotically in front of random people in public again. Never. seeing him in this life again.
Soon she'll never see in her body again. Never feel the touch of his hand. Never blink. Never breathe. Never hear. Or never smell in her body again.
Thoughts of "never" raced through her mind, as she lay lifeless propped against a sea washed boulder.
But as all situations seem to be hopeless, a ray of light always shines for a selfless being. God sympathizes for those who give up so much to promote the happiness of others. Soon her coughs would subside as she ready herself to burst through the storm and find peace.
Soon she would hear the crunch of snow.
Soon she would have something she was unable to reach in life. Soon the smile that she believed would never be genuine again will spread across her face and light the way where all other lights go out.
Summer soon arrived. Many times, she spent her days with a good book sitting upon her balcony and contemplating the children that ran down the shores without a care in the world. Something she yearned now for more than ever. She finally understood what people meant when they say that you really don't miss it until it's really gone.
That day, the sun shown bright exploding in a million rays that showered the earth with its warmth. It would've been a good day to have a wedding.
Tomoyo glanced down at her hands. It seemed incredibly... plain. Plainer than it has been for a while. There, on her left finger no longer held a ring or a wedding band. It was just blank. Well not at all blank, but that sparkling engagement had been so used to being bound upon her finger that it felt alone without it now.
A feeling not so unfamiliar to her these days.
Still, there remains something there. A small strand of hemp wound itself around her left finger nowadays. Nothing more. Her constant visitors no longer busied themselves with being by her bed anymore.
She didn't mind though. This was all for the best. Besides, the endless attention drove her a bit mad sometimes.
Her mother, now, resumed her normal working schedule and Kai... well Kai now lives in England managing the second toy company established outside of the country by her mother. Last time she heard from him, he had met up with a girl one year his junior. He sounded happy when he wrote to her and she was very glad for him. Very content for him, indeed.
She was always thankful for Kai understanding that she only wanted the best for him. Giving back that engagement ring was the best thing she could do for him. Urging him to go on without her meant saving him from a fruitless marriage. Hearing from his successes and happiness always erased some of her troubles away.
Summer never felt so lonely.
Now winter blew in cold after the departure of fall and she now felt the cold jab of a life nearing its end. Oddly enough, she was able to walk again. However, that's how it was with her sickness. Once she thought she was all well again, it goes and snatches back at all her and her mother's hope. With the advantage she had right now, she wanted to do all that she can.
Being cooped up in that summer home was driving her to insanity. She wanted to go out and feel snow. That was her last wish. To be able to tread in the snow and feel the freezing wind blow against her face before she could not experience it anymore.
Her mother had forbid her though. Still holding onto the hope that things would miraculously turn for the better. Ignorant of the future of her only child. Nowadays, she felt most worried about her mother. Always busy with the business and yet always finding the time of day to be with Tomoyo in those last faithful days.
She tried to always keep the façade of hope up whenever her mother was there, but all it was, was a fool's hope. Nothing more.
She knew what was to become of her and she would face it head on. Besides, she still had to prepare herself for the long wait until Eriol came home to God and forgive her.
The clock chimed the hour of 6 and she grew worried. Her mother had not come home to pick her up yet. Coincidentally, as this thought washed over her mind, the phone rang. She nimbly went to pick up the cordless.
" Hello?"
" Tomoyo! You're not here yet! What are you doing at home? You said you would be here at 6 and now it's 6 and you're still home! It will take at least an hour to get you back to my house!"
Tomoyo giggled softly at Sakura's excitement. After all, it was a Christmas party. " My mother isn't home yet. I'm sorry. She said she'd be sure to get back home to take me today. You know. how it's the last-."
" DON'T SAY THAT, TOMOYO! Stop being morbid. Those doctors aren't even sure of why you're being sick for so long. You're not going to die, so stop it with all this nonsense. Maybe it's long-term influenza. You know- you know how that virus always changes... and that's probably what you have."
' Those dumb doctors wouldn't know influenza if it hit them square in the face with a sign identifying them as the flu. They have done nothing to better her situation.'
Tomoyo could hear those choked up tears from her end of the phone line. Sakura... she was one of those remaining loved ones that shared the same outlook as her mom. Always trusting the better of the situation and trying to blind herself with the truth.
Tomoyo knew. Sakura had magic after all. Despite the long years of not using it, Tomoyo always knew that Sakura had a feel for things and it was quite obviously Tomoyo was fading. Syaroan had known from the start. Always keeping to himself and offering comforting words. She knew he felt her aura diminishing day by day.
Sakura, however, went on with the conversation. " Well, I'll try to reach your mother at work and tell her your waiting and I'll call you back. As for now, keep warm, Tomoyo."
She heard Syaroan's sudden voice pop into the discussion. " Hey, Tomoyo. What's keeping you?"
" Syaroan! I told you to go see if any guests are coming downstairs!"
" No one's here yet! Chill out! I am downstairs."
A sigh of frustration was heard from Sakura's end of the phone. " Fine."
" Anyways, I'll see you. And don't worry! I'll call your mom for you. No problems, alright?"
Tomoyo chuckled at Sakura's optimism. " All right. See ya then."
" Ok, bye--."
" Bye."
" Syaroan! You're still on the phone?! Oye..."
" Yes! Bye, Tomoyo."
" Yea, bye, Tomoyo."
Thinking of the married couple still made her laugh. Their lovely bickering still seemed endless as endless as their love. Lost in her thoughts, the sudden interruption of Sakura's voice came to conscious.
" Tomoyo?"
--" Oh yea, I'm still here. Goodbye, Syaroan. Goodbye, Sakura."
And so ended their final spoken meeting.
The snowflakes flew steadily and the frost it brought with them fogged her window slightly.
A deep mourning foreboded her. The desire to feel the earth's elements drove her well being senseless. The urge to go out and walk on the beach like a normal person and enjoy the snowy atmosphere made her insane.
She glanced at the clock. It was six and one fourth of the hours. And every minute looking at the window felt like an eternity. The ticking of the grandfather clock taunted her. Finally, she couldn't help it. She shattered. If she couldn't have the one thing she wanted most, she would have this.
She left a note and opened the door to her room and descended the stairs wrapped in a scarf, a woolen lined pea coat, snow boots, and a black leather taxicab hat.
The burst of cold air interrupted the burning fire in the kitchen as she opened the back door. She cautiously made her way across the frozen backyard to the back door and prepared herself to descend the slippery rocks that led down to the beach.
Already, she could feel the "strength" returning to her. She could sense the vigor she possessed before she was sick. It uplifted her spirits to feel the way she felt when she did not discover the plague that shadowed her now.
But after all... this was what it felt like many times... that is, before the unknown bad health consumed her again.
She refused to think of this, though. This was her only chance to get out and she was going to bask in the glory of winter before her mother found out and dragged her back to that forsaken home. The place once she loved so much became the object of her insanity.
At long last, her descendent came to an end and she began to walk along the partially snow covered sands. The power she felt within herself excited her beyond all aspects. She so longed now, more than anything to be well again and be able to do the things she could be able to do a year ago. It had felt so distant now. One year of lesser eternities.
She kicked the snow with the legs that now worked just as good as before and saw the flailing fragments of snow uncover the sodden grains of sands below. After about half a mile of treading among the beach shore, she impulsely realized the joy it brought to her.
This walk was like a gift from the heavens and now a sense of happiness made her feel adolescent again and so she twirled and twirled facing her head to the sky and yelling as well as half pleading to the sky. " Save me!"
That pointless statement, however, reminded her of everything that brought her to despair. The twirling stopped, the dizziness devoured her, and the series of coughing that had seemed to disappear a few days ago reappeared and tortured her lungs again.
The cold air made it harder to breathe. So much harder. And all the potency her legs held gave out. She refused to give up. She propped her legs back up and found herself once again upon the floor.
This wasn't what she wanted. She could feel the deep dark aura of a lifeless thing pursuing her.
' No... please no.'
She didn't want to end like this. She regretted now leaving the warm house that protected her. The snow and frozenness no longer felt so inviting. It ragged her breath scraped at her lungs.
With what she had left, she pulled her reluctant hands from the pockets of her coat and began to her body back to the slight rock wall and makes her way up to the streets above and to the city.
She was sure there were people up over the beached hill. She could slightly hear the whooshing of cars as they passed by in the raining flurry mixed with the sounds of the chaotic seas that are beginning to rise to where she laid now. About ten or so more feet, it would rise to meet her lonely end.
She silently cried out for what could hear her, but it was hopeless. She was doomed. She could feel herself slipping grips and she grasped harder to life.
However harder she clutched to life, the harder it burned to hold its grasp. It hurt. Every breath she tried to breathe ended up in a horribly bloody cough that triggered the many outbursts of others. Peaceful breaths were not available to her. The intake of air now consisted in between the coughing. Wheezes and pants are all that left her from losing seize of existence.
It would be so much easier to let go and freeze to death, but a sorrowful sense of waiting refused to let her go. It felt as if she was hanging on a cliff, with one hand clutching to the cliff walls and someone else holding her hand, but it was her who needed to hoist herself from the drop to oblivion.
With one last pull from her hand, she could no longer drag her body up the rocky hill. She collapsed behind a large bolder that kept her body from sliding down the slope.
' I can't go on.' The terror of dying alone made her cry a silent cry. Her eyes began to burn from the warm tears that came into contact with the microscopic particles of the snowfall. She cried a sorrowful cry for what she would never see again.
She would never see spring again. She would never see flowers blooming. Never see a spring rainfall. Never see a summer's day. Never see children running down the sunny beach shores laughing away their troubles. She would never see the naïve face of Sakura. She would never again be able to poke fun at Syaroan's shyness. Nor would she see her mother's face trying to make her breakfast, but failing in the end.
The thing that hurt the most was that all she wanted was to please Eriol's wishes and now that she almost came to accomplishing so, she felt the rigid, bitter prick of resentment. Yes. What hurt the most of never seeing Eriol again.
Never see him sleep on a car ride. Never see him swim in the sea. Never see him lie on his back on the sand again. Never dance and play in the wildflower meadows again. Never picking apples with him again. Never riding horses in the woods by the ranch. Never see him try to beat her running home. Never having breakfast with him. Never sleeping huddled on the same bed during a storm again. Never making him carry her on his back when she was too lazy to walk. Never seeing him pull up in the driveway to take her somewhere where they could have fun again. Never go to those dreadful dinner parties her mother made her go to with him again. Never dancing idiotically in front of random people in public again. Never. seeing him in this life again.
Soon she'll never see in her body again. Never feel the touch of his hand. Never blink. Never breathe. Never hear. Or never smell in her body again.
Thoughts of "never" raced through her mind, as she lay lifeless propped against a sea washed boulder.
But as all situations seem to be hopeless, a ray of light always shines for a selfless being. God sympathizes for those who give up so much to promote the happiness of others. Soon her coughs would subside as she ready herself to burst through the storm and find peace.
Soon she would hear the crunch of snow.
Soon she would have something she was unable to reach in life. Soon the smile that she believed would never be genuine again will spread across her face and light the way where all other lights go out.