Jondy's question bothered me all through the drive home, and it's still
bothering me when I arrived. I head next door to pick up Case, Charlie and I
both had late hours tonight so I asked the neigbours to watch him. He climbs
sleepily into my arms and I carry him to our house and up to his bedroom,
changing him into his pajamas and tucking him into bed.
"Read me a story," he says softly in his sweet voice that I love, and I sit on the edge of his bed, smiling. I look over to his little bookshelf and start to reach for a book, then I stop, turn back. I gaze at him for a while, thoughtfully, and he gazes back. His eyes are wide, beautiful, soft. I smooth the hair from his face, it'll be at least a half hour before Charlie gets home.
"Once upon a time..." I falter, he waits patiently, I've never told him a story staright from my head before. "Once upon a time there was a princess who lived..." I frown, searching for that safe world between truth and cold reality, he's only four. "In a castle," I decide. "There were other princesses there, and princes. They loved each other very, very much. But the castle wasn't a happy place..."
"Why not?" Case asks, immediately concerned. I smile at him, blink away the far-off expression in my eyes.
"They were ruled over by an evil king," I explain. "He hurt the children and scared them. There were other things in the castle that scared them too, nomlies in the basement, monsters with eyes that stare... But one day they ran away."
"Good," Case says. He yawns.
"They were little," I go on. "And the king had told them lots of things about the world that weren't true. They didn't know what to expect. It was very hard at first, because the world was hard enough, and the evil king kept looking for them."
"Why didn't he just let them go?" Case asks me, and I smile sadly.
"I don't know, baby," I tell him softly.
"Maybe he didn't know he was evil," Case suggests, he's so innocent. I smooth his hair.
"He knew."
"What happened after?"
"The princess figured out some of the rules of the world, and she tried to act normal..."
"What about the others?"
"She doesn't see them very often. They all got split up after they ran away. It was safer that way." I can't help the bitterness in my voice and Case picks up on it.
"She misses them?"
"Very, very much," I agree softly. "And even when she does see them they aren't the people she knew before." I swallow. "And they don't like who she is now."
"Why not?"
"Because they don't like that she's trying to be normal," I whisper. "They don't see that she just wants to be happy."
"Is she?" Case whispers, and I gaze at him, my wise, amazing child.
"Almost all the time," I say, smiling. "But everything has a price, baby."
I don't think he understands that, so he asks, "What about the evil king?"
"He's still somewhere, looking..." I trail off, Case has a very worried expression on his face. "But he can't find the princess."
"Why not?"
"Because she's too smart," I whisper, leaning down and kissing his forehead. He smiles and his eyes flutter but I want to tell him more. "For a long time the princess was looking for something," I say softly. Case forces his eyes open, he knows this is important.
"What?"
I say nothing for a moment, then finally, "Her prince. She wanted to be happy. She wanted the world to be hers. She didn't want to feel like a stranger forever. She thought... maybe she could forget."
Downstairs, the front door opens. Charlie is home. I glance that way, turn back to Case, he's asleep. I kiss his cheek, smooth his hair.
"You didn't hear the ending, baby," I murmur, then smile. "Next time." I close his door softly and go downstairs. The flowers Charlie bought me for Valentine's Day a few days before are sitting in a vase on the dining room table. I watch from the shadows as he sets down his keys, reaches out to smell a rose. I deliberately make a small noise and his eyes jump to me, he smiles.
"I didn't see you," he says. I walk over, take his hand. I kiss him and he tastes like citrus and rain. My hand strokes through his hair, so soft, as he kisses me deeply back. He takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs, we close the door of our bedroom to make love. I push Jondy's question to the back of my mind. Telling that story with Case, I was Tinga. In here now with Charlie undressing me, I'm Penny. Is that so horrible?
I close my eyes and whisper to him, "Talk to me," because that way I won't have to think.