At first I think it's something new, not a flashback, not a nightmare, but similar. Surreal. I freeze as I'm handing the change to the woman at the counter, she looks at me, thinking I'm staring at her but my eyes are fixed behind her. She turns toward the television, I'm sure it makes no sense to her, she pries the change out of my hand and walks away. I keep staring. People are speaking to me but I don't hear them. All I see is barcodes, all I hear is, "Your positions have been compromised." All I know is fear.
I'm over the counter as soon as the broadcast ends, and out the door despite the yelling, the manager grabs my arm, I drop him in a second and climb into my truck, suddenly aware of how old the vehicle is, how slow and vulnerable. I floor it and I've been driving for at least an hour before I realize I'm heading to the city outskirts, I didn't once think of my husband and son. All I could think was, Four of us compromised, someone must have talked. The thought terrifies me, who was captured?
I hit the brakes, disgusted with myself, I'd slipped into soldier-mode without a thought and it made me sick. I didn't even think of Case, didn't even think of Charlie. I turn the truck around and head back for my house, I'll grab them and we'll all get away, that's my thought but I don't know what kind of fantasy world I think I'm living in. I see the hummers tailing me long before I get to where I'm going, and I lose them around a junkyard, abandoning the truck and making it on foot into the poorer part of town, where people lived in parking lots and doorways. There's an old bus depot, it's packed with people, not great sniper territory, I could disappear or at least lay low. I pull out my cell phone and sprint in that direction, dialling a number I've had in my memory for years but never once used. I don't focus on the message, which is brief and to the point, just like him. I'm surprised by how much I've missed his voice.
"It's Tinga," I say as the depot comes into view, I'm nearly at the entrance. "I'm in trouble, Portland, hurry." I stop long enough to locate the street signs, tell him my location, then click the phone closed, shoving in into my pocket as I slip through the gates. The soldiers are right behind me, I can hear their heavy bootfalls easily, Lydecker always was stupid. I slip around a corner, getting concerned, run into one of the soliders and throw him down. I pick up his gun and keep going, stuffing it into my belt. I drop another two, they're swarming the depot, I'm not getting out of here alone. I crouch down to conceal myself, I'm anxious, but I force myself to think I'm calm so maybe I'll fool myself into thinking it's true, I won't panic, I can't, I'll die if I do.
"Come on, Zack," I whisper, I used to talk to myself when I was very upset as a child, and it scares me that I'm doing it now because it means I'm really freaked. "Where are you?" I breathe, my hands start shaking, I'm not going to seize now. I grab some tryptophan out of the pill case in pocket and pop them, clenching a fist. "Stop it," I hiss at myself. "Stop it, stop it."
Truthfully, it's freaking me more that I just drove without even thinking earlier, ready to leave Charlie and Case in a heartbeat. Still all I can think about is getting the hell out of here, I can't go home, it'll only endanger them. I'm too scared to be sad about it.
The hiding place doesn't last and I'm forced out, I shoot down a few of the soldiers before my gun runs out of ammo and I don't have any on me. I throw it to the ground, sprinting away, dropping a couple more soldiers as I pass. Escape and evade.
It doesn't take long for me to be surrounded, I could take them if I was armed, or if they weren't. Otherwise it looks like I'm going down fighting. Van would like that, I hate it. I never wanted to be a solider, I never asked for it. I want to die in my sleep when I'm ninety-two with a bunch of grandchildren playing in the backyard... if we can even live that long.
Then Zack is there, and as soon as I feel him next to me I can't imagine I ever doubted he'd come. He's brought someone with him, and when I have a chance I throw her a glance and see Max, it's so obvious it's her, the hair throws me off for a moment but otherwise she hasn't changed a bit. We fight with fluidity and adrenaline. We're one being, one unit, one family. It's glorious, and not in the bad way like that day in the woods.
Afterward, we take one look at the ring of dispatched soliders and take off running, I know Zack will have a getaway car lined up so I just follow him, Max beside me, and we clear the fence, jumping into an Aztec driven by someone who definitely isn't related to us, so I wonder why Zack trusts him. One look at his face tells me he doesn't, so I don't say anything. I turn to him and smile, and he looks back at me affectionately.
"The others?" I ask quickly.
"They're fine," he assures me. "They all cleared out before anyone got wind of them." He gives me a sideways once-over. "You alright?"
"Fine," I say. It's been a long time, but neither of us says anything about it. He's glad to see me and I'm glad to see him and we both need something to eat. The driver, who it turns out is a friend of Maxie's, takes us to an alley where Zack and I steal a car. I check the gas, there's enough to get us to Canada, and for the first time in hours I think of Case. But I know it's better, that they might already be compromised, that if I go back there'll be no chance for them to get out of this alive. After things cool down...
Zack slides into the driver's seat next to me and Max walks over, she looks sad. Zack gazes at her for a moment, then sighs. "Should I even ask?" He shakes his head and adds, "Let's go." I'm surprised, I look up at Max quickly.
"What about you?"
"She's going back to Seattle," Zack answers for her, and I'm surprised at the bitterness in his voice, it's not really like him.
"You're not coming with us?" I ask her softly.
"Don't bother," Zack warns.
"Lydecker's-"
"I said, don't bother," Zack repeats with more authority in his voice, and I look at my hands. I hear him turn the key in the ignition and I quickly glare at him and he relents. I hate this reunion, at least with Jondy we got to talk a little, but Zack won't let us so I don't even try.
"You take care of yourself, baby sister," I tell Max, and she smiles, her eyes softening at hearing me say that, and that's when I know she's okay, she's always been okay.
"You too," she says, hugging me, and I expect us to drive off right then, but he doesn't.
"Thanks for getting me out," he says to Max.
"Guess this makes us even," she says slowly. I see him nod.
"Guess so." I sense the tightening of his jaw and his voice hardens. "Let's hope miracles come in two, because you're going to need one to keep from getting caught." Suddenly I remember why Zack annoys me so much, and I don't do a great job of hiding my disgust. Luckily he's too busy with Max to notice, and then he starts the car and we drive away, another baby sister getting smaller and smaller as the distance stretches between us.
"This is the smartest thing you've ever done, Tinga," Zack says, and I lean my cheek against the cool window. I don't answer. "I'm serious," Zack says, his voice a little gentler. I know he loves me, he just doesn't understand. "They're safer this way."
And I nod because really, he's right, and there just isn't any argument for that, as much as I might like to try.
It's snowing when we hit Vancouver, which is odd that far west in Canada but Zack says it's been the coldest February in years. He gets us a motel room, falls onto the bed and is asleep almost immediately. He's been worried, he only sleeps that hard when something has freaked him. I pull off his shoes and throw a blanket over him, then I go sit in the chair and glare at his sleeping face until I feel myself drifting.
When you stay in enough motels, they start to blend together, fuse,
become the same, and you can't really tell one from another. You can stumble
into a new room in the middle of the night without the lights on, without even
enough light for your night vision to work, and you'll still be able to put your
stuff down where it goes, get into bed. They're all laid out in a basic way.
They're all the same. When I can do my entire morning routine with my eyes
closed in a room I've never set foot in before, and not bump into anything, I
know it's time to move on.
Zack, it seemed, didn't seem to subscribe to this idea. In fact, I think he probably thought it was better that way. More efficient. We moved around for weeks. All of a sudden it was late March and I hadn't seen my son or my husband in a month... I missed them, dreamed about them almost every night. I never said a word of it to Zack. Every time I thought about it, he would look at me, and he'd be so... proud. I liked that. I'm ashamed of it, but I liked it. I guess I sort of convinced myself it was better, the best thing I'd ever done, just like he said.
Zack shakes me awake one warm day just after spring's started and I yawn,
blinking against the light of very early morning.
"We're moving out," Zack tells me.
"Where?"
"I'm getting a place by the beach," Jondy speaks up, startling me. She comes into my line of vision and smiles that not-quite-real smile like the last time I saw her. Her voice is bitter.
"Jon," Zack warns, but she doesn't even look at him. I stand up and hug her close, Zack announces something about getting food and then we'll be going. He leaves me and Jondy alone and I hear the truck drive off. Jondy flops down on Zack's vacated bed and I walk over, sitting down on the edge next to her. She pulls me down and I close my eyes.
"Hey, baby sister," I say into her shoulder.
"I thought you were happy," she answers. "I thought you had that kid of yours. That husband."
"I do."
"Then what the hell are you doing up here?"
"I... it's safer, if I..." I trail off, and Jondy's hand is soft in my hair. She sighs.
"Yeah... I know." Neither of us speak for a long time. Jondy touches my cheek. "Tinga?" I smile to hear the name. "Yeah?"
"I..." She sits up, pulls away from me. Stands. "Nevermind. Nevermind, Penny."
"Don't, Jon," I whisper, my voice pained. She turns for the door but I say, "Please." She stops, faces me.
"I told you... you'll be happier as Penny." Then she repeats her earlier question, "What the hell are you doing up here?"
And me? I just lie there on that uncomfortable bed. Watch her walk into the bathroom and shut the door. Somehow, Jondy has a way of leaving me speechless.