Summary: The author is thrown into the thick of things.

Category: Self Insertion

Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself! And I!

Feedback: Only positive!

Crossovers: Ah! My Goddess, the real world

Pre-fic Comments:

This is in the grand tradition of Carrotglace, Hung Nguyen, Twister, and many other highlights of fanfiction.

"* blah *" means mental speech only heard inside one head.

* * *

I was sleeping when it happened, so I don't really know what being copied felt like. All I knew was a sudden waking.

I blinked. I wasn't in bed any more -- I was in what seemed to be the open air, mist swirling around me and... a woman.

She merited a closer look. She had tanned skin, a hair ornament holding her white locks back, a five pointed star on each cheekbone, and a six pointed star on her forehead.

"I suppose you'd like to know why you're here," she said, a slight smirk creasing her lips.

"Of course not," I dryly said. "You're Urd's mother?"

Hild nodded.

"A shame she won't call you mother," I said. "If she acknowledges Kami-sama as her father at the same time, I see no problem."

"She doesn't want to face her darker side," Hild said. "That's why she drinks so much. But Urd isn't why I brought you here."

"Oh?," I asked. "Prey tell."

"Quiet, 'prey'," Hild said, catching my inflections. A smile took the bite from her words. "I've been rather impressed with the worlds you've created with your fiction."

"Always good to get feedback," I said. "Coin of the Realm, as a better writer than me said."

"I've decided that you can take a more... hands on approach," Hild told me. "You're going to be in the world of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to get some first hand experience."

I blinked. "A self insertion fic? But they're so... common... in most fandoms."

Hild smirked again. "Not, however, Buffy. You won't be entirely powerless -- I've decided to give you a connection to Nidheg. And also my telephone number."

"Does this mean I'm going to see you again when I die?"

It never hurts to know how the story goes before you start.

"Whether you'll like that depends on how well you do," Hild stated. Her smirk had disappeared, by now. "Enough talk! It's time to send you on!"

* * *

Xander stumbled on the patrol as his head hurt for a second.

"Xander, are you okay?," Giles asked. "We can return you to your home if you want, then continue this."

"I'm okay," Xander said.

"*Oh good,*" I said. "*Because I'm not okay.*"

"Or not," Xander said. "Uh, Buff, Giles did you just hear that?"

"Hear what?," Buffy asked. "Only people here are you, me, and Giles."

"*How insulting,*" I dryly observed. "*I no longer count as a person.*"

"I think I'm hearing voices," Xander said. "Uh, you think that reptile boy didn't die maybe?"

"I-I don't know," Giles said. "Does this v-voice sound threatening?"

"*Only if you come between me and my vices,*" I muttered. "*I'd think something threatening about Giles but, hey, Ripper!*"

"He just said 'only if you come between me and my vices'," Xander reported. "Uh, and something about you and someone called Ripper."

Giles straightened up a bit. "This may merit further investigation. Buffy, do you feel able to continue the remainder yourself?"

"Sure," the Slayer said. "Only this graveyard, then Eternal Rest, then home!"

"Er, right," Giles said. "Xander, come with me. I'll try and find a reference to this Machida and possession."

* * *

"*For a guy with lots of books, Giles sure is thick,*" I said. "*For the last bloody time, I am not a snake demon, nor am I a hyena spirit, nor am I Eyghon or any other lousy demon you care to mention!*"

Xander dutifully relayed my message to the Watcher, who was searching through his apartment for a book he remembered as having a catalog of demons prone to possessing people.

Giles paused. "Xander, ask this voice if it has any methods of verifying it's statements."

"*Oh, for the love of...*"

I took over Xander's body, moving jerkily to the telephone and dialling Hild.

"I hope you don't mind me making a long distance call," I said. "Well, it doesn't bloody matter if you mind, because I'm doing it anyway."

"Very well," Giles said with remarkably poor grace. "But hurry it up."

I waited for the other end to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, it's been a blast, but I'm having some faith problems. Can you send someone to verify that I am me, and I am not Machida or the Hyena or Eyghon or whatever boogy man Giles comes up with next?"

"I'm sorry, but Xander's trying to take control of the body again and--"

I was cut off from the conversation as Giles decided to brain me with the book he was reading, and Xander took control back.

"Owwwww," Xander said.

"*Stupid asshole,*" I muttered.

"Hello?," Giles said.

He blushed then paled. "Uh, p-please don't c-come here?"

"Hello? Hello? Seems the line has gone dead."

Xander got up and sat in one of Giles' armchairs. "That voice has to be a demon of some sort."

Giles nodded. "Do-do you know who he just called?!"

"Uh, not really," Xander admitted. "He just called, then chatted with her."

"That was the ruler of Hell!," Giles said. His hands were shaking badly.

"H-Hell?," Xander asked?

"*Daimakaicho Hild,*" I cheerily confirmed. Xander ignored me and thus Giles didn't hear me.

"Well," Giles said, cleaning his glasses. "We can safely assume that this voice is not a possession by one of our previous enemies. Although, with the telephone call, I think it is safe to assume that the voice is demonic in origin."

I took over Xander's mouth again. "For the love of... look, I know what's coming. I know what enemies are going to come after you guys. I know what allies are going to come. I know what allies are going to become enemies. If you push my buttons, I know how to fuck you guys over /badly./ I also know how to make your lives a cakewalk."

"Why is nothing ever simple?," Giles moaned.

* * *

The Hellmouth flared, as a humanoid figure lurched through, unguarded by the Slayer.

* * *