Summary: The author is thrown into the thick of things.
Category: Self Insertion
Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself! And I!
Feedback: Only positive!
Crossovers: Ah! My Goddess, the real world, some tinges of Hellsing.
Pre-fic Comments:
"Hi, I'm Joe, and I'm addicted to anime."
"Hi, I'm Larry, and I can't get enough anime."
"Hi, I'm Alan, and I'm an anime l33ch wh0r3."
* * *
I sighed as Xander wandered to the costume shop. Halloween was a few nights away, and Xander had failed to avoid conscription by Principal Snyder for kiddie patrol.
"*Snyder is almost as big an asshole as your dad,*" I said.
"Shaddup about my dad!," Xander muttered. A passing kid gave him a strange look.
"*True, though,*" I retorted. "*Learnt anything about my hints, have we?*"
"You were right," Xander admitted. "Okay, Voice, got any more brilliant tips for the X-man?"
I was tempted to screw him up, but the idea of leaving /anything/ to chance didn't sit well with me.
"*Regarding this upcoming Halloween. I don't think you should dress up as a soldier, considering how the military would deal with the supernatural,*" I said. "*Guns are useless on vampires.*"
"Come on," Xander argued. "What's the chances of something happening?"
"*Gee, I dunno,*" I snakily snapped. "*What's the chances of your previous principal being eaten by his own students? What's the chances of a really dead Incan mummy girl trying to seduce you? What's the chances of your new Biology teacher turning into a six foot tall bug?*"
"Okay, there might be a point buried in there, Voice," the youth admitted.
"*Now you're getting it,*" I said. "*And don't call me Voice.*"
"Don't tell me what to do," Xander replied.
"*This is the Hellmouth. If something can go wrong, it will,*" I said. "*Strolling along without looking for the uglies ahead /will/ kill you.*"
"Okay! I got it!," Xander shouted.
A six year old girl pointed at him. "Mummy, what's wrong with that man?"
The woman smiled nervously, pulling her offspring along. "Ignore the crazy man, darling."
* * *
Xander flicked through the costumes at the shop.
"Nothing here," he muttered. "It's all demons or fairies."
The shopkeeper appeared nearby. "Are you having trouble, sir?"
"I'm just looking for a good costume," Xander explained. "These are all the same."
I took over his body for a moment as inspiration struck.
"Have you got any priest outfits, a pair of white gloves, a pair of fake long knives, and a grey long coat?"
"As it happens, yes. They didn't sell too well last year, and I'm trying to get rid of some old stock. Perhaps we could... work something out."
"*What are you trying to pull?!,*" Xander yelled.
"*Relax,*" I said. "*Vampire hunting Vatican priest sounds good, yeah?*"
* * *
Buffy and Willow looked up as Xander found them looking through dresses elsewhere in the store. He had his costume that I had found in a couple of bags -- Ethan had sold the lot to us at half price.
"Hey, Xander!," Willow greeted him. "What did you get?"
Xander pulled out a fake long knife. "Vampire hunting Vatican priest. Cool, yes?"
"Hey, look, Xander," Buffy began, "I'm... really sorry about this morning."
I decided to coast for the moment and wait until the festivities began.
"Do you mind, Buffy?," Xander snapped. "I'm trying to repress."
"Okay, then I promise, from now on I'll let you get pummeled."
Slayers sure had that reverse gender role thing going, I thought to myself.
"Thank you," Xander said, slapping on the sarcasm. "Okay, y'know, I think I could've--"
I groaned as Buffy moved towards the same damn gown. That ugly frilly red /thing./
"*Damn, that's ugly,*" I said.
"I dunno, could be good once she's in it," Xander muttered to me. He continued at normal volume. "Hello! That was our touching reconcilliation moment there."
"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "It's just... look at this."
"*Could take awhile with all that fabric,*" I complained. Hey, no one ever accused me of not speaking my mind.
"It's amazing," Willow agreed.
Okay, I thought, it must be an American thing.
"Too bulky," Xander said. "I prefer my women in spandex."
The shopkeeper noticed Buffy looking at the frilly dress and came over to us.
"Please, let me," Ethan said.
"Oh, it's..."
"Magnificent, I know," Ethan murmured, as he held up the gown against Buffy's casual clothes. "My. Meet the hidden princess. I think we've found a match. Don't you?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Buffy said as reality crashed back to earth. "There's no way I could afford this."
"Oh, nonsense," the shopkeeper said. "I feel moved to make a deal you can't refuse."
* * *
Later that day, Xander hunted out Giles' office to ask him some questions.
"Did you find any way to get this voice out of my head?"
Giles looked up from a yellowing book. "Uh, not unless we've got another body for the voice to go to."
"*I'm touched,*" I said. "*You're so fond of me, you want to get rid of me.*"
"Oh yeah. Giles, I think the voice knows something about Halloween," Xander commented.
"If the voice does know something, he'd better tell us," Giles said.
I took over Xander's mouth again. "My bloody name is Alan!"
"Your name will be dirt if you don't spill the dirt," Xander said as he took his body back.
Giles settled down on his armchair. "Alan, are there any reasons you can't, or won't, tell us?"
"Butterfly effect," I said, taking over the mouth again to speak to the librarian. "That, and what's coming will be good training for all concerned."
"Okay," Xander said. "But you still haven't told me what my costume is of."
"*A vampire and demon hunting priest,*" I said, not bothering to take the mouth again. "*Regenerating.*"
The person I formerly knew as a television character tried to get more information out of me, until I started singing Nine Inch Nails lyrics to myself. I think it was the lyrics to 'Reptile' that made him go away, finally.
* * *
Post-Fic Comments:
Regarding Ethan Rayne, bear in mind he says that he's an "Obedient son of chaos". He can't be that if he's only handing out weak or evil costumes, can he? And Hellsing is a somewhat obscure series, mainstream.