Summary: The author is thrown into the thick of things.

Category: Self Insertion

Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself! And I!

Feedback: Only positive!

Crossovers: Ah! My Goddess, the real world, some tinges of Hellsing.

Pre-fic Comments:

There's gonna be a brief description of the priest, for the great unwashed who have not seen Hellsing :)

* * *

Xander stopped his hand as it reached for the bleach.

"Explain to me why you're going to dye my hair, again?," he asked.

"*Anderson is blonde,*" I said, "*and you're not. Besides, Buffy isn't a natural blonde.*"

"She isn't?," Xander asked, surprised.

"*Check out the roots sometime. And if you don't let me do this, I'm gonna strip this body naked while you sleep and send it running naked around town.*"

"You play dirty, Voice," Xander complained, letting the hand continue with the bleach.

"*I play to win,*" I corrected. "*In the safe knowledge you cannot retaliate.*"

"Now tell me more about this priest," Xander said. "I'm taking a lot on faith here."

"*Fair enough,*" I conceded. "*Father Anderson is part of Section Thirteen, or Iscariot. He's what some would call fanatically devoted to slaying what he sees as abominations -- vampires, ghouls, demons, the like. The good Father helps run an orphanage between missions. He can regenerate any wounds, including a bullet through the head.*"

"Okay," Xander said, "he sounds cool. Why haven't I seen whatever show this guy's off?"

"*How many Japanese cartoons do you watch?,*" I asked.

"Apart from Speed Racer?"

"*Yes.*"

"Uh, none."

I washed the bleach out of his hair, and started on the designs for the gloves while it dried. Crosses on both, with 'SPEAK with DEAD' superimposed on one, and 'Jesus Christ is in HEAVEN' superimposed on the other.

"*You mean I've got an anime fanboy living in my head?," Xander asked, tones of horror colouring his voice.

"*Oi!*"

"Gotcha!"

* * *

"Father Anderson, here to see... Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!"

I groaned. "*Xander, you're a dweeb.*"

"*Says the fanboy.*"

Buffy curtsied. We were at her house to pick up her and Willow before going to school to manage the hordes of screaming kiddies.

Personally, I thought she looked like she was fifty. Leather would have been better. Strips of leather.

"Thank you, kind sir. But wait until you see..."

Buffy trailed off as Willow appeared, clad in a bedsheet with 'BOO!' written on it.

"Hi."

"Casper," Buffy finished.

"Hey, Will! That's a mighty fine, ahhh... boo... you've got there."

I took over the mouth. Some things could not remain unsaid. "Does your mother know you've stolen her best linen?"

"Xander!," Buffy snapped, a frown on her face.

"Sorry, Buff, it's this voice in my head. It told me to dress up like this -- you can check with Giles. It wasn't me!"

"Suuuure it wasn't," Buffy said. "Nice joke, Xander."

"Honest. Do *I* know Hell's phone number?"

* * *

At the school, Buffy and Willow had been given their charges and left for the two hours.

Xander was still waiting. I had decided not to warn him about...

"Where's your bodyguard, Harris?," Larry asked. "Still curling her hair? I like what you did to yours. Blondie."

I took over the mouth. "The LORD trieth the righteous, but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth."

Larry looked again. We had the cross on the long necklace on, and the dogcollar. While he normally felt free to harrass Harris, the cultural conditioning to never hurt preachers was strong.

I didn't know if that would work when Xander's dad found out we'd stolen his steel rimmed glasses, though. Some things must be taken on faith.

Snyder chose then to find Xander.

"Harris! Here is the group you're to supervise. Unless it's biblical, I don't want you to say a thing to them. Bring them back in one piece, and you won't get detention."

"Was that humour from our beloved Fuhrer?," Xander asked rhetorically as the principal left.

He turned to face the group of children.

"Okay," Xander began, "on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood?"

I rolled my mental eyes. I figured it to be his rebellion against my direction.

* * *

Later that night, as Xander was about to take the kids back to the school, it hit.

It was nothing like I had expected. Rather than blacking out, another consciousness entered as the costume became real.

Father Anderson looked around Sunnydale, at all the abominations roaming the streets.

"Si quis non amat Dominium Iesum sit anathema marathana," the priest said, drawing his blades. "Amen!"

"*What the hell?,*" Xander asked.

"*The butterfly effect,*" I explained.

"*You have /got/ to explain that to me one day,*" Xander muttered.

"*Listen, Father Anderson,*" I said quickly. "*These monsters are really children, under a spell. You've got to find the caster to break the spell and return them to their God given forms.*"

The blonde priest stopped.

"Who is this in my head?"

"*It's... complicated,*" I said. "*Go up three blocks, one to the left, then enter Ethan's Costume Shoppe. There, you'll find the pagan worshipper who did this. Ethan worships Janus.*"

Anderson didn't like harming children. He especially didn't like those who tried to harm children. He /really/ didn't like pagans who tried to harm children.

* * *

Post-Fic Comments:

Okay, a quick explanation. "Si quis non blah blah blah" means "If any man love not the Lord Jesus Christ, let him stand accursed in the eyes of our Lord." This is Hellsing canon.

Pagan is a word for people who worship deities other than Yahweh.