Summary: The author is thrown into the thick of things.

Category: Self Insertion

Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself! And I!

Feedback: Only positive!

Crossovers: Ah! My Goddess, the real world, some tinges of Hellsing.

Pre-fic Comments:

Sorry to those who didn't really want to see me deviate from other SI's.

* * *

I frowned at Giles mentally. "*I think it would be a /great/ idea. Homicidal fanatics with huge swords always go down well with the neighbours. Hehehehehe...*"

Xander grimaced. "Giles, /please/ tell me you've got some place to stash this voice. I don't know how much of his laughing I can take."

"Awwww... has Xander met his match?," Willow teased.

"*Please demonstrate,*" Xander asked me.

I'm always willing to foster an image of insanity in myself. I took over Xander's body again, and laughed in the great tradition of Iori Yagami, Kodachi Kuno, and Naga the White Serpent.

"hehehe..hahaha..HAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Buffy winced. "Okay, now I really want to Slay the voice."

"Well," Giles thought out loud, "we could dig up a corpse, and--"

"No!," Willow said. "Uh, no. I really don't think that would be a good idea, mucking about with dead people further than vampires, which we lay to rest anyway, and--"

"Okay, Will, we get the idea," Xander said. "As much as I want to agree with you."

The door then opened. A figure lurched through.

"Me!," I said, taking over the mouth again.

Well, with /imagination/ it was me.

Honest.

Okay, maybe I didn't have any muscles to speak of originally, but it /kind of/ looked like me.

The demon marks were completely new, denoting the body's connection to Daimakaicho Hild, and Hell.

"Good!," Giles said. "Willow, if you could..."

Willow did something stinky that I didn't understand with some herbs and weird chanting, and confirmed that the body was soulless.

The telephone rang, just to break the moment.

"Uh, hello?," Giles asked. "Rupert Giles speaking."

"G-g-good evening," he said after a moment.

"O-of course. No, of course not! Uh, immediately."

He looked at the phone after that. "Hmmm. Dead."

"*Hild must not like him,*" I said.

All this ignoring by Xander was starting to get me down. Oh, well. Perhaps I'd get the chance to screw around with them /better/ after this.

"So, who was that?," Buffy asked.

"The, uh, ruler of Hell," Giles said. "I-I-I /really/ don't like speaking to her."

"Her?," Willow asked.

"She had a kid with God, once," I said, taking over Xander's mouth again.

"WHAT?!"

This came from everyone minus me. Yeesh. You'd think I just announced God had sex with the Devil. Oh, wait, I did.

"Tell me more, now," Giles commanded me.

"What am I, a radio?," Xander complained.

"Yes," I said. "I'm only gonna tell you more if or when I get into that body Hild sent me. I bet that's the message she had, yeah?"

"Uh, yes," Giles confirmed. "Very well, but first..."

He produced some cast iron restrains from under his bed, while Xander took over the body /very/ forcefully.

"*I'm human, not a fairy,*" I complained. "*Cast iron doesn't burn me, or anything.*"

Yes, the body sent was a demon's. But it was going to be /mine/. Once I got a body of my own, I was gonna go get laid -- without worrying if Xander was looking over my shoulder. (Or worse, from my shoulder.)

And they didn't know the body was demonic. It didn't look weird, and no energy was powering it. Giles looked like he suspected something, but I don't think he actually /knew/ anything.

Sadly, no one responded to my comments, since Xander was not repeating them after that bombshell I told them. They clamped the cast iron manacles and leg irons on the body, then Giles looked through his book.

"Right, uh, transferral, transferral, where is it?"

Jeez. Does every British guy have some manta along the lines of "Matches, matches, matches..." as he searches for something?

Xander crouched, looking at the body which was currently on the floor of Giles' little apartment.

"Looks like someone in a coma," he commented.

"Xander, don't," Willow began.

Xander poked the figure.

"Don't touch it," Willow finished.

"Uh, I just did," Xander said. "Did I do something wrong?"

Giles looked up from his book. "That depends on whether the body was prepared or not. Is the voice still in your head?"

Xander paused, listening intently. "It could be gone. It isn't saying anything if it is."

"Coma guy on the floor is moving," Buffy said. She'd gotten a wooden spoon that she was poking it with.

What am I, a pincushion? I opened my eyes, lest someone else tried poking me.

"I want a drink," I announced. "I think I'm knurd."

"You've read that book?," Willow asked. "We don't have any of Jimkin Beerhugger's Finest here, sorry."

"Aged for up to Five Minutes," I muttered.

I sat up, finding the manacles to be flimsy and easy to snap. So I snapped them.

"Nice bracelets," I commented cheerily.

"Those... those were forged iron!," Giles complained. "Buffy could not have broken those?"

The aforementioned Slayer was now pale, and shaking. "Guys, can you not /feel/ the wrongness coming off him?"

"Now that you mention it," Xander said. "What's with stinky voice?"

I frowned, flicking through my various pseudononyms used in various places. "That's Mercva to you, Mr LaVelle."

Xander paled. "How do you know the name?!"

"I know all," I stated proudly.

"Can you tone down the bad aura-ness?," Giles asked. "It's upsetting Buffy."

"Sorry," I said. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

On the other side of town, in Willy's Alibi, all the demons looked up.

"Can you feel that?," one of them asked.

"Who can't?," another snorted.

"Why would one of /them/ be here?"

* * *

Post-Fic Comments:

Sure I have a plan! It's... uh... wow, look at that! *points* *disappears*

Does anyone else think that Godsmack's new album isn't up to snuff?