00Snape
Lord Snape The Commander
Severus Snape woke up when the sun was sludgily attempting to wriggle through the enormous French windows and pulverize his acheing head. The wind seemed to be in on this assasination plot, because it was blowing all over his naked torso, and if, to crack the nut on it's head, his bedclothes were playing along by lying at the very bottom of the king sized bed where only his feet were covered.
"Crap." He said rather incomprhensively and rolled over. He was now facing the closed bedroom door and hanging on the very same door, was a nightdress, all silk and lace and not very much of that as it was.
"Bugger." He said again, and one hand reached down for the blankets to cover his coldness. He never managed to get there because something bounced into his bedroom at that precise moment.
"I should hope not." Came a rather cold voice, "Because if you are you're getting straight out of that bed and going to Sirius."
"Sorry?" answered the befuddled Snape.
"Well, I'm female and I refuse to undergo a sex change merely so you can bugger a man. I know I should be indulging you, but going three months without any word doesn't do anything for your sympathy vote. So, you can either go to Sirius or give up your buggery…"
"Er, what? No, scratch that, don't answer."
"In case you were wondering, and up to preforming your so-scary-and-sexy scowl, I've been fighting off advances all month. I never knew returning soldiers were so horny…"
"Oh, we're very horny…" purred Severus, and stroked the breast that came into view lightly.
"Good." Hermione said breathlessly, as she began to kiss him. "because I'm bloody well sex-starved."
"Boing!
Boing!
Boing!
Boing!
Boing!
Boing!
Boing!"
"Damn!" came the explanation once the bells had finished their pealings, and Hermione Granger clambered off her partner and began to dress herself.
"We don't have to go to dinner…" purred Severus and she half smiled at him, pulling on a pair of black slacks and a black silk shirt.
"We have to remember the dead." She replied simply, and whisked the covers away from him. Her hair was loose down her back and she idily fixed a black rose into her hair at the temple while she watched him grouchily struggle into his black robes. She slipped her own summer cloak (gossamer) over her outfit, tucked the wand into its pocket and kissed him before she left the room.
"Besides," she called, "We've already missed dinner!"
Severus Snape growled.
The downstairs hall was jam packed full of people/witches/wizards/strage-things-with-multiple-fingers. The students of Hogwarts were dressed neatly in black, no wands visable. Various witches were standing around, one dressed in shocking magneta with a grotesque dragon hide handbag hooked over one be-taloned hand. She cam charging towards the newest member of the hall, Severus Snape, shrieking as she came. Severus Snape was bowled over, and left lying at the feet of the HeadGirl, who was grinning slightly.
"Hello professor, ms Skeeter."
"What?!" roared Snape, hauling himself to his feet and being posotively lept upon by the woman again, if that was what one could call Rita Skeeter.
"Severus, so good to have you back." Beaming jollily, the minister of magic, Cornelius Fudge, bore down upon the trio, Rita was now desperately attempting to find her quick quotes quill.
"Miss Granger…" Severus was now backing off slightly, and the quick quotes quill hurridly scratched over the page. "What is the meaning of all this."
"The press were notified to your return, sir." She answered, smiling enchantingly,"And now I really have to go."
And so she slipped away, leaving S. Snape to be devoured by four more mebers of the press, and a paparazzi wielding a large camera like some sort of queen chopping axe.
"Have a nice evening?" came a silky growl from the direction of the bathroom, and Severus rolled over in his bed.
"No." he answered sourly, scowling at the outline of the woman being cast over his coverlet.
"Well, whyever not? Surely the big, bad, Snapey isn't afraid of a leetle beetle?"
"She's a purple beetle, Hermione, and she asked me what colour underwear I wore!" Sev propped himself up on one elbow and watched her wonder across the floor towards him. Her rounded stomach never ceased to amaze him, when he bothered to think about it – normally he was busy thinking about screwing her on his desk or whatnot.
"Did she?" Hermione didn't really sound interested, but he knew her eyes were watching him.
"Yes, and how often I had sex…"
"To which you replied, not tonight that's for sure." Hermione siad. If Severus had not bee the grand supreme master of Sarcasm he would have been worried. As it was he wasn't. He almost laughed.
"Well, for a sex starved woman you are restrained." He said, "Unless you've been off shagging Potter…"
"Ewwwwwwww, Sev!" came the disgusted reply, "You've turned me right off."
"Oh." He sounded disappointed, and suddenly Hermione realised how much she had missed him.
"I love you!" she said impulsively, removing her nightgown and hanging it up over the edge of the bed before clambering in next to him. "And I missed you."
"I missed you too." He whispered, crushing her carefully into his arms and kissing her. Just as she was removing his pyjama bottoms, a strange buzzing, hissing melee of sound filled the chamber. Sevrus seemed to stiffen slightly and then lept up hurridly and began dressing. Hermione, propping herself up on one elbow, watched in mystification.
"What…?" she began, but he was already out of the door, and soon she glimpsed him running hurridly outside the apparation limits. After allowing two tears to slip down her cheeks, she swung her legs out of bed and stood up. The sound had faded somewhat, but she could still see the buzzing thing on his bedside table.
Unhurried, she slipped on his pyjama bottoms and a large sweater which came down well over her hands, and grasped the what-appeared-to-be-a-stuffed-teddy-but-couldn't-possibly-be-because-it-was-in-Snape's-rooms. There was a horrid tug around her navel, and she was spun backwards and out of control.
She managed to interrupt a Very Important Meeting With Fudge (also called MIF – Meeting Important Fudge, in the offices).
Landing on your derrniere in front of almost fifteen wizards, the minister for Magic, the minister of Defence, the minister of Attack*, various P A s and your lover is not the socially accepted thing to do in England, and so it was that miss Hermione Granger, Headgirl of Hogwarts and Bright Young Witch of The Century Award Winner blushed a terrible shade of electric pink and began to stutter. For the moment everyone was absolutely silent, and then Fudge bellowed,
"This is tight security? This is as bloody bad as when Bush visited London, for Merlin's sake!" There was a vein going in his temple as three blonde P A s surrounded him and passed him a glass of water, a signed photograph of himself, and a bunch of grapes.
Hermione, now staring at the ground, almost grinned, but then remembered she was off Hogwarts grounds and would be in Big Trouble, so she almost began to cry instead. The minister of Defence grasped her by the elbow and hauled her upright, and the minister of Attack passed her a hanky. It had a small gun embroidered in the corner, but she took it anyway, and applied it to her eyes.
"How did you get here young lady, and who are you?" finally asked the minister of Defence, watching her. Hermione took a deep breath, and while everyone waited for the expected waterworks, began to lie through her backteeth.
"I was practicing my apparation, sir, and must have miscalculated."
"Can you miscalculate?" asked one of the fifteen wizards, who was dressed in the red robes of an Unspeakable. Snape stepped forward and nodded.
"You can when using a potion to apparate. Miss Granger is our head girl, and, having jointley discovered the transfigurment potion for magical animals, was working on a apparation potion." He said smoothly, and met her eyes.
"A potion do you say? Does it stop apparation sickness?" The minister of Attack was looking eager.
"Ermmm, I'm not quite sure, still in testing stages, you know, might do, send samples…" Hermione began muttering very quickly until Severus put a hand upto stop her.
"And now I believe it is time for miss Granger to absent herself." It was an obvious hint, but Hermione looked even more paniced.
"I, uh, can't apparate…" she murmered, watching her toes in shame.
"But you just did!" said someone number 2 loudly.
"That was a potion, you jackass!" she snapped, and then burst into noisy tears.
"Calm down, miss Granger. Just breathe in and out…" Then Hermione did something much, much worse than embarrass herself – she slapped the minister of defence. Being a minister of defence however, he defended himself, and she soon found herself staring in fascination at a melee of sound and fisticuffs after Severus sprang to her defence, the minister of attack sprang to the minister of defence's rescue, and then fourteen of the fifteen wizards dived in to defend Severus.
While she watched in interested silence apart from the occassional squek of pain for her beloved, her elbow was grasped firmly and she found herself looking into the face of Oliver Wood, auror extoroinare with the legion of Snape, who was grinning.
"Hey, Mione." He whispered, and held up the strange teddy thing, "Take this and go. I don't know how you managed to get hold of it, and I presume Harry and Ron don't either, so get out of here before you get walloped. Tell Harry I'll see him soon, okey?"
He then pressed the teddy thing into her hand and she was whisked away via portkey, to the relative safetly of Hogwarts, which was not safe because Minerva Macgonogall was fuming upstairs in the Headmaster's office about her favourite student going missing, and she was in for The Big Lecture. But it was safer than being decked by the minister of Defence. Or maybe not…
*Has it never struck you ironical that there is no Minister of Attack?
I am soooooooo sorry I haven't updated for ages! Anyway, here it is, complete and zany! No offence meant to George Bush lovers…I just happen to hate the man. Almost as bad as Cornelius Fudge…'NASAs main concern is till space' pah!
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