A/N: Hi there my very negative readers. Even though you told me that I have no chance with this story, I will try to make it work. I changed the whole thing completely but I'm keeping the title since this is going to be about a Goddess's daughter. I'm also keeping the name Marina because I like it and anyone who has a problem will just have to deal. Also, the review about Liam? I'm still setting him and Marina together because you know what? All the boys in the Conte line never get the girl they want so I just wanted to make this different. I'm keeping the story I wrote before no matter how much of a Mary Sue you think it is as the first chapter. Consider it an alternate beginning. And this time, please give constructive criticism, not destructive. Thank you! __
A lone figure lay unconscious on the beach as a Rider group approached it carefully. A man in his late twenties with blonde hair and blue eyes walked cautiously to it. "Watch out Evin," said a woman behind him, "We don't know where she came from." The man called Evin snorted.
"Don't worry Miri," said Evin, "Do you think someone like me could actually be so carefree and not be careful? I am certainly not a child." It was now Miri's turn to snort.
"You really don't want to hear my comment Evin," said Miri. The girl stirred from where she was. Miri's and Evin's voices awakened her. Her sea green eyes looked up to Evin's blue ones.
"Hey there," said Evin kneeling down and smiling at the girl, "I'm a Rider. My name's Evin. What's yours?"
"Marina," whispered the girl before collapsing back to the warm sands. Evin was surprised at how weak the girl was and touched her wrist to make sure there was still a pulse.
"Is she going to be okay?" asked Miri now looking worried.
"I don't know," said Evin before lifting Marina up, "But we better head back to camp and see if we can heal her. Where's a mage when you need one?"
"Riders!" said Miri turning to the other men and women who had been watching, "Ride ahead and keep guard of the camp. We'll be there in a moment." The others nodded and rode back to the camp they had set up in the cove at the beach they were at. They had been assigned for border control two weeks ago and had been forced to stay in the cove while a storm raged. Miri picked up the staff she had found by the girl and ran to catch up to Evin who was already heading to the cove.
Marina woke up again feeling the warmth of a fire and the eyes of eight or nine people. She sat up in surprise and stared at the riders in wonder. "Where am I?" asked Marina. She looked around at her surroundings and then turned her attention on the man who had been there when she last woke up. "Who are you?"
"It's Evin," said Evin cheerfully, "And you're at the beach a few miles of Pirate's Swoop."
"Pirate's Swoop?" asked Marina confused.
"Can you tell us where you came from or what you're doing here?" asked Miri leaning closer to Marina. Marina nodded and was about to speak when she stopped. She had no memory of anything that had happened since when she had landed ashore. She shook her head.
"I'm sorry," said Marina, "I can't seem to remember anything right now." Miri and Evin looked at each other with frowns on their faces.
"You can't remember anything?" asked Evin. Marina shook her head again.
"Could it be amnesia?" asked Miri turning to Evin.
"It looks like it," said Evin, "I guess she doesn't remember anything right now." Suddenly Miri had an idea and held up the staff that was nearby Marina when they had found her. She put it on Marina's lap.
"Do you remember this?" asked Miri.
"Why would I?" asked Marina, "It's just a staff."
"This isn't good," said Evin standing up and running his hands through his hair in frustration, "What should we do with her? We can't just bring her along when we're doing patrol. She might get in trouble."
"Why don't we just take her to George," suggested Miri, "He can handle her. I'll take over while you're gone. It should just be a day's ride if you're fast."
"ME?!" exclaimed Evin in surprise, "Why do I have to do it? You're the girl! She'll feel better around you!"
"I thought you'd like taking her to George," said Miri her tone off hand, "Whatever happened to your Player blood Evin?"
"She's a teenager!" said Evin, "I'm not a cradle robber."
"Are you sure about that?" asked Miri raising an eyebrow, "I seem to recall you going into the rooms of a certain innkeeper's daughter last week and..."
"All right I'll take her," said Evin in a grumpy voice not wanting Miri to tell his Rider group any more of his escapades, "But you have to wash her and get her cleaned up."
"Whatever you say," said Miri before taking Marina's hand and leading her to the farthest part of the cave where no one could see them. A small stream trickled through as Miri tried to take most of the seaweed off Marina's clothes. Marina helped though her strength still had not come back to her. "You certainly are a mess," commented Miri as she washed off the remaining dirt on Marina as if she was a child, "Wait here while I get a comb and some clothes." Marina nodded quietly as Miri left her. She didn't know what to do other than stare at the water at her feet. She looked at the dirt-stained face who stared back at her. Her lips were chapped and her hair was a black matted mess around her head.
"Who am I?" asked Marina to herself as she stared at the water and then looked away when Miri came back. She was armed with clothes and a comb along with some lotions.
"There we are," said Miri when she finished, "This is the best I can do." Marina was now dressed in a slightly loose top and even looser pants. Miri had managed to take out most of the knots in her hair though it still looked frizzy. Miri led her back to where Evin was saddling the bags. It was still noon so they could reach Pirate's Swoop by evening. Despite Marina's last statement about the staff, she brought it with her for comfort. Miri had told her that she had found it nearby when they came for her the day before.
"Come on," said Evin hefting the still weak girl on the horse, "We'll get to Pirate's Swoop soon if there are no troubles."
"All right Evin," said Marina cutely before Evin heaved himself up. The two rode in silence. Evin wanted to speak but Marina looked too pensive that he thought it would be rude to interrupt wherever her thoughts were leading her. It was hours until Evin decided he couldn't take the silence anymore and pointed at a looming stone building.
"There's Pirate's Swoop," said Evin to Marina. The girl looked up.
"It's big," said Marina her eyes growing large. As the two neared torches lit to see who the newcomers were.
"It's Evin!" shouted Evin to the guardsman amusedly, "Tell me you have not forgotten an old friend Harry!"
"Of course not Evin," said the guard Evin called Harry, "You've only been here naught weeks ago. What happened? Did your Rider group finally throw you out?"
"Very funny," said Evin as the gates opened and he rode in. It was only early evening and George, the Baron himself, went to greet him.
"Evin!" said George clapping the young man on the back, "What brings you here so soon?" Evin helped Marina down and turned to George now serious.
"We found this girl on the beach while we were doing patrol yesterday," said Evin quietly, "She can't remember who she is or where she's from." George looked Marina over carefully in her big Riders clothes. She looked back up at him keeping his gaze to her lucid eyes. George laughed at the serious expression on her face.
"Well she certainly looks like a strong lass," said George, "I'm sure Alanna won't mind if she stays with us. I like the girl." Evin laughed too.
"Better not let Alanna hear you say that," said Evin before getting back on the horse, "I better get back. I'm afraid to think that they'd leave me but you never know."
"In that case they'll be long gone by now," said George, "Why don't you stay for awhile?" Evin shook his head saying something about working for a living and rode off. Marina looked back at him clutching her staff tightly in her hand. He had been the first person she had seen since she woke up. She now looked up at the man Evin had called George.
"Mr. George," said Marina, "Where will I be staying from now on?" George laughed again at the name Marina had called him before leading her inside.
"First of all," said George, "You can call me George. I'm not that old you know. And second, you can stay wherever you want. Maybe you'd like to meet my daughter. She's about the same age as you. Now how old are you?"
"I don't know," said Marina quietly. Her eyes darkened with notable sadness before George decided to change the subject.
"Now where is that girl," said George looking around, "Alianne! Alianne!"
"I'm right here Pa, there's no need to shout," said a teenage redhead coming to the two, "What's this? Who is she?"
"This here is Marina," said George, "Now you show her around. She's lost her memory so I want you to help her out."
"Whatever you say Pa," said Alianne before linking hands with Marina, "But first you have to get cleaned up." The taller girl led Marina to a large bath and filled it up for her. Marina cautiously lifted her clothes off and slipped in.
"It's hot," said Marina wincing. Alianne felt the water and thought it was only lukewarm and suddenly noticed a crimson liquid mixing into the water. Alianne looked at the girl surprised. Now that most of the dirt had washed off she could see the shallow wounds around her body that had clotted it before. Miri had only washed Marina's face with water and did not notice the wounds on her body.
"Now see here," said Alianne surprised before wrapping Marina up in a towel when she had ordered her to stand in the washtub, "You don't just go into a tub with fresh wounds on you. It'll sting!" Marina obediently got out and sat on a chair while Alianne went to get bandages. Alianne made quick work of Marina's wounds her deft hands working gently on Marina.
"Thank you," said Marina when she had finished. Her hair had managed to get a thorough washing while she had been in the bath and Alianne ordered Marina to comb her hair while she got some of her old clothes. Marina had been working for many minutes while Alianne was rummaging through her closet and had finally tamed her hair well enough to show the fine sheet of black hair she had. The come now ran through it with ease. Alianne nodded approvingly before thrusting a bundle of clothes at her and pushing her behind a screen. Marina put on the tan skirt and white blouse Alianne had handed her. The skirt fit snugly but the shirt went about an inch above the hem of the skirt. She stood in front of Alianne waiting for her inspection.
"Much better," said Alianne nodding to herself, "I never wear those clothes. They're all presents from my two brothers, Alan and Thom. They're wonderful but they seem to think that any girl would swoon when they hand them some fancy clothes." Marina looked at her clean self in the mirror. She smiled up at Alianne for the first time looking genuinely happy.
"Thank you," said Marina looking at herself again. Alianne smiled. She was the cutest little thing when Marina smiled.
"I guess I'll take you on that tour now," said Alianne now leading the girl outside.
A/N: So? How do you like it? Is it Better? I went for the less Mary Sue like you said but I have to say she will turn out to be a strong character eventually. By the way, her age is currently unknown because I'm not sure what it is yet. Anyway, please review and be nice. I am going to treat the people who reviewed as a challenge and stray from my style.
P.S. I do know what a Mary Sue is and I knew what I was turning it into.
P.P.S. If Alianne sounds a little like a country girl, I'm really sorry.
A lone figure lay unconscious on the beach as a Rider group approached it carefully. A man in his late twenties with blonde hair and blue eyes walked cautiously to it. "Watch out Evin," said a woman behind him, "We don't know where she came from." The man called Evin snorted.
"Don't worry Miri," said Evin, "Do you think someone like me could actually be so carefree and not be careful? I am certainly not a child." It was now Miri's turn to snort.
"You really don't want to hear my comment Evin," said Miri. The girl stirred from where she was. Miri's and Evin's voices awakened her. Her sea green eyes looked up to Evin's blue ones.
"Hey there," said Evin kneeling down and smiling at the girl, "I'm a Rider. My name's Evin. What's yours?"
"Marina," whispered the girl before collapsing back to the warm sands. Evin was surprised at how weak the girl was and touched her wrist to make sure there was still a pulse.
"Is she going to be okay?" asked Miri now looking worried.
"I don't know," said Evin before lifting Marina up, "But we better head back to camp and see if we can heal her. Where's a mage when you need one?"
"Riders!" said Miri turning to the other men and women who had been watching, "Ride ahead and keep guard of the camp. We'll be there in a moment." The others nodded and rode back to the camp they had set up in the cove at the beach they were at. They had been assigned for border control two weeks ago and had been forced to stay in the cove while a storm raged. Miri picked up the staff she had found by the girl and ran to catch up to Evin who was already heading to the cove.
Marina woke up again feeling the warmth of a fire and the eyes of eight or nine people. She sat up in surprise and stared at the riders in wonder. "Where am I?" asked Marina. She looked around at her surroundings and then turned her attention on the man who had been there when she last woke up. "Who are you?"
"It's Evin," said Evin cheerfully, "And you're at the beach a few miles of Pirate's Swoop."
"Pirate's Swoop?" asked Marina confused.
"Can you tell us where you came from or what you're doing here?" asked Miri leaning closer to Marina. Marina nodded and was about to speak when she stopped. She had no memory of anything that had happened since when she had landed ashore. She shook her head.
"I'm sorry," said Marina, "I can't seem to remember anything right now." Miri and Evin looked at each other with frowns on their faces.
"You can't remember anything?" asked Evin. Marina shook her head again.
"Could it be amnesia?" asked Miri turning to Evin.
"It looks like it," said Evin, "I guess she doesn't remember anything right now." Suddenly Miri had an idea and held up the staff that was nearby Marina when they had found her. She put it on Marina's lap.
"Do you remember this?" asked Miri.
"Why would I?" asked Marina, "It's just a staff."
"This isn't good," said Evin standing up and running his hands through his hair in frustration, "What should we do with her? We can't just bring her along when we're doing patrol. She might get in trouble."
"Why don't we just take her to George," suggested Miri, "He can handle her. I'll take over while you're gone. It should just be a day's ride if you're fast."
"ME?!" exclaimed Evin in surprise, "Why do I have to do it? You're the girl! She'll feel better around you!"
"I thought you'd like taking her to George," said Miri her tone off hand, "Whatever happened to your Player blood Evin?"
"She's a teenager!" said Evin, "I'm not a cradle robber."
"Are you sure about that?" asked Miri raising an eyebrow, "I seem to recall you going into the rooms of a certain innkeeper's daughter last week and..."
"All right I'll take her," said Evin in a grumpy voice not wanting Miri to tell his Rider group any more of his escapades, "But you have to wash her and get her cleaned up."
"Whatever you say," said Miri before taking Marina's hand and leading her to the farthest part of the cave where no one could see them. A small stream trickled through as Miri tried to take most of the seaweed off Marina's clothes. Marina helped though her strength still had not come back to her. "You certainly are a mess," commented Miri as she washed off the remaining dirt on Marina as if she was a child, "Wait here while I get a comb and some clothes." Marina nodded quietly as Miri left her. She didn't know what to do other than stare at the water at her feet. She looked at the dirt-stained face who stared back at her. Her lips were chapped and her hair was a black matted mess around her head.
"Who am I?" asked Marina to herself as she stared at the water and then looked away when Miri came back. She was armed with clothes and a comb along with some lotions.
"There we are," said Miri when she finished, "This is the best I can do." Marina was now dressed in a slightly loose top and even looser pants. Miri had managed to take out most of the knots in her hair though it still looked frizzy. Miri led her back to where Evin was saddling the bags. It was still noon so they could reach Pirate's Swoop by evening. Despite Marina's last statement about the staff, she brought it with her for comfort. Miri had told her that she had found it nearby when they came for her the day before.
"Come on," said Evin hefting the still weak girl on the horse, "We'll get to Pirate's Swoop soon if there are no troubles."
"All right Evin," said Marina cutely before Evin heaved himself up. The two rode in silence. Evin wanted to speak but Marina looked too pensive that he thought it would be rude to interrupt wherever her thoughts were leading her. It was hours until Evin decided he couldn't take the silence anymore and pointed at a looming stone building.
"There's Pirate's Swoop," said Evin to Marina. The girl looked up.
"It's big," said Marina her eyes growing large. As the two neared torches lit to see who the newcomers were.
"It's Evin!" shouted Evin to the guardsman amusedly, "Tell me you have not forgotten an old friend Harry!"
"Of course not Evin," said the guard Evin called Harry, "You've only been here naught weeks ago. What happened? Did your Rider group finally throw you out?"
"Very funny," said Evin as the gates opened and he rode in. It was only early evening and George, the Baron himself, went to greet him.
"Evin!" said George clapping the young man on the back, "What brings you here so soon?" Evin helped Marina down and turned to George now serious.
"We found this girl on the beach while we were doing patrol yesterday," said Evin quietly, "She can't remember who she is or where she's from." George looked Marina over carefully in her big Riders clothes. She looked back up at him keeping his gaze to her lucid eyes. George laughed at the serious expression on her face.
"Well she certainly looks like a strong lass," said George, "I'm sure Alanna won't mind if she stays with us. I like the girl." Evin laughed too.
"Better not let Alanna hear you say that," said Evin before getting back on the horse, "I better get back. I'm afraid to think that they'd leave me but you never know."
"In that case they'll be long gone by now," said George, "Why don't you stay for awhile?" Evin shook his head saying something about working for a living and rode off. Marina looked back at him clutching her staff tightly in her hand. He had been the first person she had seen since she woke up. She now looked up at the man Evin had called George.
"Mr. George," said Marina, "Where will I be staying from now on?" George laughed again at the name Marina had called him before leading her inside.
"First of all," said George, "You can call me George. I'm not that old you know. And second, you can stay wherever you want. Maybe you'd like to meet my daughter. She's about the same age as you. Now how old are you?"
"I don't know," said Marina quietly. Her eyes darkened with notable sadness before George decided to change the subject.
"Now where is that girl," said George looking around, "Alianne! Alianne!"
"I'm right here Pa, there's no need to shout," said a teenage redhead coming to the two, "What's this? Who is she?"
"This here is Marina," said George, "Now you show her around. She's lost her memory so I want you to help her out."
"Whatever you say Pa," said Alianne before linking hands with Marina, "But first you have to get cleaned up." The taller girl led Marina to a large bath and filled it up for her. Marina cautiously lifted her clothes off and slipped in.
"It's hot," said Marina wincing. Alianne felt the water and thought it was only lukewarm and suddenly noticed a crimson liquid mixing into the water. Alianne looked at the girl surprised. Now that most of the dirt had washed off she could see the shallow wounds around her body that had clotted it before. Miri had only washed Marina's face with water and did not notice the wounds on her body.
"Now see here," said Alianne surprised before wrapping Marina up in a towel when she had ordered her to stand in the washtub, "You don't just go into a tub with fresh wounds on you. It'll sting!" Marina obediently got out and sat on a chair while Alianne went to get bandages. Alianne made quick work of Marina's wounds her deft hands working gently on Marina.
"Thank you," said Marina when she had finished. Her hair had managed to get a thorough washing while she had been in the bath and Alianne ordered Marina to comb her hair while she got some of her old clothes. Marina had been working for many minutes while Alianne was rummaging through her closet and had finally tamed her hair well enough to show the fine sheet of black hair she had. The come now ran through it with ease. Alianne nodded approvingly before thrusting a bundle of clothes at her and pushing her behind a screen. Marina put on the tan skirt and white blouse Alianne had handed her. The skirt fit snugly but the shirt went about an inch above the hem of the skirt. She stood in front of Alianne waiting for her inspection.
"Much better," said Alianne nodding to herself, "I never wear those clothes. They're all presents from my two brothers, Alan and Thom. They're wonderful but they seem to think that any girl would swoon when they hand them some fancy clothes." Marina looked at her clean self in the mirror. She smiled up at Alianne for the first time looking genuinely happy.
"Thank you," said Marina looking at herself again. Alianne smiled. She was the cutest little thing when Marina smiled.
"I guess I'll take you on that tour now," said Alianne now leading the girl outside.
A/N: So? How do you like it? Is it Better? I went for the less Mary Sue like you said but I have to say she will turn out to be a strong character eventually. By the way, her age is currently unknown because I'm not sure what it is yet. Anyway, please review and be nice. I am going to treat the people who reviewed as a challenge and stray from my style.
P.S. I do know what a Mary Sue is and I knew what I was turning it into.
P.P.S. If Alianne sounds a little like a country girl, I'm really sorry.