- Summary: Months after Gordo's suicide, Lizzie is still plagued by haunting memories of him.
- Disclaimer: Lizzie Mcguire belongs to Disney, and the song "My Immortal" belongs to Evanescence.
- A/N: Since many requested a more final ending to "My Last Breath," I decided to do a companion piece/sequel. This time, though, I decided to use the song lyrics of the song after which the fic is named. :) I thought they fit the theme of this fic very well. I hope this brings more of a sense of finality to MLB. Oh, and this is also a bit long, because I just couldn't stop!
~*~*~*~
My Immortal
All she saw was blood- deep red, harshly colored blood. All over the place. Blood in the water, blood on the otherwise immaculate surface of the silver razor blade, blood splashed across his pale arms, blood still flowing lightly from the huge, open wound he had inflicted upon himself. The blood was an intoxicating sight, and Lizzie couldn't take her eyes away from all of it.
Gordo, her beloved husband, was dead.
[I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone]
Lizzie sat straight up in her twin bed, gasping for air. She looked frantically around the rather plainly decorated bedroom, and her tense body began to relax as she realized exactly where she was.
Tears were spilling down Lizzie's pale cheeks and onto her pink tank top that she slept in. Her cries were slowly but surely diminishing into quiet sobs. Her body was shaking as it usually did after she had one of these dreams that were related to Gordo's suicide- she had been having them since that night five months ago when she found him seated in the red, lukewarm water in their big bathtub.
[These wounds won't seem to heal
The pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase]
There was not a minute since that fateful night during which Lizzie didn't try to figure out what had driven her level-headed, successful husband to suicide. Suicide was such a rash, final thing, and Gordo had to have been much more troubled and stressed than he had ever let on to anybody to actually go through with it.
Looking back, Lizzie realized that something had been different with Gordo for a long time. At first, his job as a film directing professor at the local Hillridge Community College seemed to be making him a very happy camper- at least, for the first couple of months, it did. Then he began coming home after a long day at work complaining about the latest crime of plagiarism that had been committed, and how his students had absolutely no vision for directing. With his complaints, Lizzie had begun to feel bad.
[When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your years
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me]
A film directing professor at a community college was not Gordo's first choice for a job. His dream had always been to become a famous director, and he had seemed well on his way at the end of high school- NYU had offered him a full scolarship. He was ready to take the scolarship offer, but things changed when Lizzie proposed to him, to keep him close to her. And now she felt horrible about it. Had she been the one to drive him to suicide?
Another wave of sobs racked Lizzie's body. She had voiced her worries that it was her fault numerous times, and of course, everybody told her that it wasn't her fault. But he hadn't left a suicide note, so how could they know what had been running through Gordo's mind as he made cut after cut after cut on his arms? Nobody knew for sure, but Lizzie had a deep, sinking feeling that her suspicions were true; after all, Gordo had never wanted to remain in Hillridge, but Lizzie had basically guilted him in to it.
[You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind]
If Lizzie could go back in time to change things, she would without a second thought. She would go back and not propose to Gordo so that he would have continued on his way to NYU. By now, he would be a 24 year old director, and a very successful one at that. But, most importantly, he would still be alive. Maybe they wouldn't have ever gotten married, or even continued dating, but Gordo's life was much more important to Lizzie than their relationship.
Even now, Lizzie still had a difficult time comprehending that Gordo was no longer alive. There were times when she was sure finding him limply strewn in the bathtub had been a horrible nightmare and that he was still lying beside of her in bed, but when she rolled over to wrap her arm around him, she would either fall off the bed she was sleeping in, or wrap her arm around a pillow instead. But as much as she still found it so hard to believe, she was so sick of hearing about it.
[Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me]
In the five months that had gone by, it seemed as if that was all anyone in Hillridge wanted to talk about. Some of Gordo's former students called her up to give her a meaningless, "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Gordon, and if my family and I can do anything to help you out, just let me know." Her family began treating her like a rag doll. Even Matt, who had always been notorious for being rude and obnoxious to Lizzie at even the worst times, had gained a sense of composure when he was around her. It felt like everyone was walking on thin ice when they were around her, and it was really beginning to drive Lizzie crazy.
Plus, there were the highly exaggerated rumors of Gordo's death that had begun to be spread around after his obituary appeared in the newspaper. The rumors transfigured more and more each time they left someone's mouth. And then there were the pitying glances that people would shoot her when they passed her in town. Most of all, Lizzie hated the question that followed her around on a daily basis:
"Are you alright, honey?"
[These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase]
People who didn't know even the tiniest detail about her, other than the fact that she was the wife of the man who committed suicide, would ask her that. She had grown beyond frustrated of the question. Sometimes, she felt like replying, in a snappish tone of voice, "If YOUR husband killed himself, would YOU be alright?"
But she didn't. She merely smiled a tight smile, and responded with a polite, quiet, "As alright as one could be, considering the circumstances. Thanks for asking." And then she would continue on her way, knowing full well that the person who had asked her had no sympathy for her current situation; they just felt the need to show their compassion in SOME way. She was far from being "alright," but she didn't want, or need, anybody's pity.
Lizzie knew she needed to get over her husband's gruesome suicide, but getting over it was easier said than done. How could she get over it when her mind was constantly flooded with feelings of guilt, and sorrow, and anger that he had left her, and nausea whenever she thought back to that night? How could she get over it when she couldn't even escape from the dreadful reality of his death when she was asleep, because she was plagued with the haunting memories of him?
Her sobs had once again become loud and incontrollable. As she gasped for breath, she tried to stop thinking about Gordo, but the more she tried to stop, the more memories of him flooded into her mind. Soon, her entire body was racked with anguish as visions of the past overtook her.
[When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your years
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me]
***
It was their first day of kindergarten, and they had just met a fiery, vivacious Hispanic girl who introduced herself as Miranda. They promised to be best friends forever, that nothing would ever tear them apart.
***
Miranda was absent one day in fourth grade, so it was just Lizzie and Gordo out on the playground. They were sitting on two swings by themselves while most of the other kids were playing on the monkey bars. And Gordo popped the question, "Will you marry me?"
***
Lizzie was in her short-lived "bad girl" stage, hanging out with Angel Leiberman and dressing like her as well. Gordo and Miranda staged an intervention, and showed a video that Gordo had made, called "Before They Were Bad Girls."
***
She was in the Hillridge Junior High library, crying because her first boyfriend, Ronny Jacobs, had broken up with her. "There is no one prettier than you, or more fun to be with," he had said earnestly.
***
Lizzie was trying to get Ethan Craft to go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance with her by trying to turn herself into the perfect girl for him, with Gordo's reluctant help. Unfortunately, Ethan wasn't swayed and she, Gordo, and Miranda had no dates to the dance. At Matt's "Club Flamingo," Lizzie and Gordo dance a slow dance.
***
Lizzie's advice column, "Dear Lizzie," was a big hit at school, and she received a very interesting letter from Confused Guy: "Dear Lizzie: I think I may like my best friend as more than a friend. What should I do?"
***
It was the murder mystery party at Lizzie's house and she let Gordo win after receiving the news that Gordo liked her from Kate. After the pary ended, Gordo and Lizzie shared a moment on the front porch, but there was an untimely interrupted by Lizzie's dad.
***
They were graduating from eighth grade, and Gordo had taken forever with her yearbook. Upon opening the yearbook to read the inscription, she found out that he had written, "Dear Lizzie: You rock. Don't ever change. And only, I really mean it. -Gordo."
***
Out on the rooftop of their hotel during their class trip to Rome, Lizzie and Gordo shared their first kiss.
***
Gordo officially asked Lizzie to be his girlfriend.
***
At their high school graduation, Lizzie asked Gordo to marry her. After a few minutes of fumbling and trying to figure out what to say, Gordo said "yes."
***
It was the happiest day of Lizzie's life. She was standing at the altar of a small, quaint church in Hillridge, dressed in a gorgeous, white wedding gown, with the man of her dreams by her side.
"I do."
"I do."
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
And Gordo kissed her passionately, glad to finally have her as his wife.
***
"NO! NO! Stop!" Lizzie yelled as her last memory of him faded away. She was still sobbing uncontrollably, tears running in a stream down her face. Her body was shaking, and she was gasping, unable to breath.
"Lizzie? Hon, are you alright?" asked Jo Mcguire as she entered her daughter's bedroom. After Gordo's death, Lizzie had sold their house and moved back in with her parents, who welcomed her back with open arms. Jo, Sam, and Matt had been helping Lizzie cope with her recent loss, and when Lizzie suffered through her nightmares of Gordo, she found her in wrapped in the arms of one of the three.
Lizzie had never told her family how much she hated that question, so they kept on asking her that. They were just trying to help, so she never said anything about it.
"I-I'm fine," Lizzie managed to get out as she continued to struggle to breathe.
Jo sat down beside of Lizzie on Lizzie's bed, stroking her hair. They sat like that for a long time, until Lizzie began to calm down. And finally, about a half hour later, Lizzie was finally beginning to drift off to sleep again, but it would be fitful, and restless- she hadn't had a peaceful night's sleep in a long, long time.
And she doubted she ever would.
[I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along]
~*~*~*~
- A/N: There it is. :) I hope this is better for all of you who wanted a more final ending. Review, please!
- Disclaimer: Lizzie Mcguire belongs to Disney, and the song "My Immortal" belongs to Evanescence.
- A/N: Since many requested a more final ending to "My Last Breath," I decided to do a companion piece/sequel. This time, though, I decided to use the song lyrics of the song after which the fic is named. :) I thought they fit the theme of this fic very well. I hope this brings more of a sense of finality to MLB. Oh, and this is also a bit long, because I just couldn't stop!
~*~*~*~
My Immortal
All she saw was blood- deep red, harshly colored blood. All over the place. Blood in the water, blood on the otherwise immaculate surface of the silver razor blade, blood splashed across his pale arms, blood still flowing lightly from the huge, open wound he had inflicted upon himself. The blood was an intoxicating sight, and Lizzie couldn't take her eyes away from all of it.
Gordo, her beloved husband, was dead.
[I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone]
Lizzie sat straight up in her twin bed, gasping for air. She looked frantically around the rather plainly decorated bedroom, and her tense body began to relax as she realized exactly where she was.
Tears were spilling down Lizzie's pale cheeks and onto her pink tank top that she slept in. Her cries were slowly but surely diminishing into quiet sobs. Her body was shaking as it usually did after she had one of these dreams that were related to Gordo's suicide- she had been having them since that night five months ago when she found him seated in the red, lukewarm water in their big bathtub.
[These wounds won't seem to heal
The pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase]
There was not a minute since that fateful night during which Lizzie didn't try to figure out what had driven her level-headed, successful husband to suicide. Suicide was such a rash, final thing, and Gordo had to have been much more troubled and stressed than he had ever let on to anybody to actually go through with it.
Looking back, Lizzie realized that something had been different with Gordo for a long time. At first, his job as a film directing professor at the local Hillridge Community College seemed to be making him a very happy camper- at least, for the first couple of months, it did. Then he began coming home after a long day at work complaining about the latest crime of plagiarism that had been committed, and how his students had absolutely no vision for directing. With his complaints, Lizzie had begun to feel bad.
[When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your years
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me]
A film directing professor at a community college was not Gordo's first choice for a job. His dream had always been to become a famous director, and he had seemed well on his way at the end of high school- NYU had offered him a full scolarship. He was ready to take the scolarship offer, but things changed when Lizzie proposed to him, to keep him close to her. And now she felt horrible about it. Had she been the one to drive him to suicide?
Another wave of sobs racked Lizzie's body. She had voiced her worries that it was her fault numerous times, and of course, everybody told her that it wasn't her fault. But he hadn't left a suicide note, so how could they know what had been running through Gordo's mind as he made cut after cut after cut on his arms? Nobody knew for sure, but Lizzie had a deep, sinking feeling that her suspicions were true; after all, Gordo had never wanted to remain in Hillridge, but Lizzie had basically guilted him in to it.
[You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind]
If Lizzie could go back in time to change things, she would without a second thought. She would go back and not propose to Gordo so that he would have continued on his way to NYU. By now, he would be a 24 year old director, and a very successful one at that. But, most importantly, he would still be alive. Maybe they wouldn't have ever gotten married, or even continued dating, but Gordo's life was much more important to Lizzie than their relationship.
Even now, Lizzie still had a difficult time comprehending that Gordo was no longer alive. There were times when she was sure finding him limply strewn in the bathtub had been a horrible nightmare and that he was still lying beside of her in bed, but when she rolled over to wrap her arm around him, she would either fall off the bed she was sleeping in, or wrap her arm around a pillow instead. But as much as she still found it so hard to believe, she was so sick of hearing about it.
[Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me]
In the five months that had gone by, it seemed as if that was all anyone in Hillridge wanted to talk about. Some of Gordo's former students called her up to give her a meaningless, "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Gordon, and if my family and I can do anything to help you out, just let me know." Her family began treating her like a rag doll. Even Matt, who had always been notorious for being rude and obnoxious to Lizzie at even the worst times, had gained a sense of composure when he was around her. It felt like everyone was walking on thin ice when they were around her, and it was really beginning to drive Lizzie crazy.
Plus, there were the highly exaggerated rumors of Gordo's death that had begun to be spread around after his obituary appeared in the newspaper. The rumors transfigured more and more each time they left someone's mouth. And then there were the pitying glances that people would shoot her when they passed her in town. Most of all, Lizzie hated the question that followed her around on a daily basis:
"Are you alright, honey?"
[These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase]
People who didn't know even the tiniest detail about her, other than the fact that she was the wife of the man who committed suicide, would ask her that. She had grown beyond frustrated of the question. Sometimes, she felt like replying, in a snappish tone of voice, "If YOUR husband killed himself, would YOU be alright?"
But she didn't. She merely smiled a tight smile, and responded with a polite, quiet, "As alright as one could be, considering the circumstances. Thanks for asking." And then she would continue on her way, knowing full well that the person who had asked her had no sympathy for her current situation; they just felt the need to show their compassion in SOME way. She was far from being "alright," but she didn't want, or need, anybody's pity.
Lizzie knew she needed to get over her husband's gruesome suicide, but getting over it was easier said than done. How could she get over it when her mind was constantly flooded with feelings of guilt, and sorrow, and anger that he had left her, and nausea whenever she thought back to that night? How could she get over it when she couldn't even escape from the dreadful reality of his death when she was asleep, because she was plagued with the haunting memories of him?
Her sobs had once again become loud and incontrollable. As she gasped for breath, she tried to stop thinking about Gordo, but the more she tried to stop, the more memories of him flooded into her mind. Soon, her entire body was racked with anguish as visions of the past overtook her.
[When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your years
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me]
***
It was their first day of kindergarten, and they had just met a fiery, vivacious Hispanic girl who introduced herself as Miranda. They promised to be best friends forever, that nothing would ever tear them apart.
***
Miranda was absent one day in fourth grade, so it was just Lizzie and Gordo out on the playground. They were sitting on two swings by themselves while most of the other kids were playing on the monkey bars. And Gordo popped the question, "Will you marry me?"
***
Lizzie was in her short-lived "bad girl" stage, hanging out with Angel Leiberman and dressing like her as well. Gordo and Miranda staged an intervention, and showed a video that Gordo had made, called "Before They Were Bad Girls."
***
She was in the Hillridge Junior High library, crying because her first boyfriend, Ronny Jacobs, had broken up with her. "There is no one prettier than you, or more fun to be with," he had said earnestly.
***
Lizzie was trying to get Ethan Craft to go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance with her by trying to turn herself into the perfect girl for him, with Gordo's reluctant help. Unfortunately, Ethan wasn't swayed and she, Gordo, and Miranda had no dates to the dance. At Matt's "Club Flamingo," Lizzie and Gordo dance a slow dance.
***
Lizzie's advice column, "Dear Lizzie," was a big hit at school, and she received a very interesting letter from Confused Guy: "Dear Lizzie: I think I may like my best friend as more than a friend. What should I do?"
***
It was the murder mystery party at Lizzie's house and she let Gordo win after receiving the news that Gordo liked her from Kate. After the pary ended, Gordo and Lizzie shared a moment on the front porch, but there was an untimely interrupted by Lizzie's dad.
***
They were graduating from eighth grade, and Gordo had taken forever with her yearbook. Upon opening the yearbook to read the inscription, she found out that he had written, "Dear Lizzie: You rock. Don't ever change. And only, I really mean it. -Gordo."
***
Out on the rooftop of their hotel during their class trip to Rome, Lizzie and Gordo shared their first kiss.
***
Gordo officially asked Lizzie to be his girlfriend.
***
At their high school graduation, Lizzie asked Gordo to marry her. After a few minutes of fumbling and trying to figure out what to say, Gordo said "yes."
***
It was the happiest day of Lizzie's life. She was standing at the altar of a small, quaint church in Hillridge, dressed in a gorgeous, white wedding gown, with the man of her dreams by her side.
"I do."
"I do."
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
And Gordo kissed her passionately, glad to finally have her as his wife.
***
"NO! NO! Stop!" Lizzie yelled as her last memory of him faded away. She was still sobbing uncontrollably, tears running in a stream down her face. Her body was shaking, and she was gasping, unable to breath.
"Lizzie? Hon, are you alright?" asked Jo Mcguire as she entered her daughter's bedroom. After Gordo's death, Lizzie had sold their house and moved back in with her parents, who welcomed her back with open arms. Jo, Sam, and Matt had been helping Lizzie cope with her recent loss, and when Lizzie suffered through her nightmares of Gordo, she found her in wrapped in the arms of one of the three.
Lizzie had never told her family how much she hated that question, so they kept on asking her that. They were just trying to help, so she never said anything about it.
"I-I'm fine," Lizzie managed to get out as she continued to struggle to breathe.
Jo sat down beside of Lizzie on Lizzie's bed, stroking her hair. They sat like that for a long time, until Lizzie began to calm down. And finally, about a half hour later, Lizzie was finally beginning to drift off to sleep again, but it would be fitful, and restless- she hadn't had a peaceful night's sleep in a long, long time.
And she doubted she ever would.
[I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along]
~*~*~*~
- A/N: There it is. :) I hope this is better for all of you who wanted a more final ending. Review, please!