Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Chapter 2: Aragorn/Legolas Slash

Or, more specifically, Aragorn/Legolas smut

Besides being the most prestigious type of smut, slash also has some specific rules that must be followed for it to be successful. These rules mean the difference between a story that self-destructs and one that is exciting and gripping. No pun intended.

Before I begin this, I would like to mention I am neither anti-gay nor pro-devil. So don't accuse me of either of those, alright?

Everyone must think it's normal.

Despite the reactions of a good portion of today's heterosexual population, which is skittish towards gays, none of the Fellowship ca be. It is a gross sin if any of the Fellowship is disgusted or even confused by a male/male relationship, no matter how closed or close the participants decide to make it. This is an important part of writing A/L slash- Everyone thinks it's normal. And all should be jealous, as well, but this is just a popular opinion.

It's all Aragorn's Fault- a.k.a., the Blonde Syndrome

This is something seen in all fictions, but not readily admitted by anyone who writes such lists as these. Legolas MUST be the girl of the relationship. Aragorn HAS to be the dirty old man. Knowledge that Legolas is a few thousand years older than Aragorn MUST be forgotten. It is easy and convenient to forget this, and totally necessary.

And you all know what I mean by Legolas being the girl. Don't deny it. You know it's true.

There must be a sudden and dramatic drop in fighting and coping skills.

Aragorn and Legolas must be hurt often. They must become poor fighters, and be taken over by the foes left and right. One must save the other. This must apply doubly to Legolas, who should become much more attractive to Orcish arrows and be hit by them twice as ofte.

Legolas must also become very bad a dressing his own wounds. Both must acquire excessively overpowering egos, which means they shall never admit when they're hurt.

Healing part 2

It is necessary that either Aragorn or Legolas be badly hurt once or several times during your story. It is also necessary that they hide that fact. They character must be completely stable, sane, and appear tireless until the wound is discovered. Then, they MUST suddenly become babbling psychopaths who are going crazy with fever or pain. They must not do this before their true love arrives and finds that they have been wounded.

Abnormalities in status are encouraged.

Getting abducted, poisoned, drunk, or put under a spell which includes memory loss can be a new and original plot device. Getting abducted and poisoned by Orcs while drunk and suffering from a bout of amnesia is the preferable method. Packing as many of these brand new plot-twists in a random order into your story is recommended. Inventing a new one, such as suddenly and incurable becoming addicted to Latex is not.

I hope you found these rules for writing a proper Aragorn/Legolas slash as helpful as I did. If you can think of any other important rules for writing formulaic slash, please tell me ASAP. And if you want me to pick apart your story- give me it's title and your author-name. I'll go as fast as I can.

Thank you. Next week, we'll have another type of fiction to assist you in formulaic writing. If anybody has some suggestions, please send them!

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Oboebyrd: That's a pretty sad Play on Words…