Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

((A thousand and a half thanks to Eekfrenzy, my new bestest best friend. ^_^ I will now act upon your ideas, m'highness. ^_^ ^_^))

Chapter 4: Summaries

Summaries are the life-blood of stories. They are what involves and invokes the attention of readers. They must be inane, obnoxious, and tell us nothing.

At times, this can be difficult to do successfully. The need to describe in two sentences the majority of your story is great indeed. But with the help of this guide, you too can create the perfect summary- one that says nothing and does not fit in the space given it underneath the title.

WRITE IN ALL CAPS.

This is important. By ceaselessly pounding on the Shift Key, your story gets a sense of importance, as well as giving the reader the always-popular feeling of being yelled at. It is not necessary- and certainly not recommended- to continue capitalization through the rest of your story, unless there is something that you wish to pound into your reader's brain, and they are too far away to make proper use of a sledgehammer.

MAKE SURE YOUR SUMMARY SAYS NOTHING/ TITLE USAGE

This is vital. By refusing to give your readers any god-awful image such as what the story is actually about, you pique their interest.

This goes hand in hand with a good, abstract title. Titles must never contain the actual name of the main character. However, usage of their title (prince/king/steward) their place of birth (Mirkwood/Gondor/Mordor) or their species (Human/Elf/Maia) is good. Nobody will be able to fathom your story's true meaning. Which is also good.

QUALIFY YOUR INANE SUMMARIES.

This is also vitally important. After your perfect summary, modeled from above, humbly downplay your mind-boggling skills. Say, "I suck at summaries. Just read!" This dash of humility, followed by a rash command, will catch and enthrall the wary reader every time.

MISSPEL INCREDABLIE SIMPUL WURDES.

Misspelling incredibly simple words is recommended. Especially when your misspelling dramatically cuts down on the number of letters. For example, spell 'sucks' 'sux' and 'please' 'pleez.' These misspellings in the phonetic sense help in pronunciation and make your reader feel that you are 'down to earth' and 'looking out for them'.

It also brings about our Orwellian destruction via Newspeak, but he was WRONG! The Year passed without incident! Take that, Minipax!

MAKE SURE THAT SUMMARIES ARE TOO LONG FOR THE SPACE ALLOT…

Your reviews must never fit in the space allotted them. There is no greater, more tantalizing experience than knowing that a vast unknown lurks beyond the boundaries of the space allotted to Fanfiction.net summaries. Seeing '…' creates an air of wonder about a story. 'What more could this angelic being possibly have to say?' a reader might wonder. 'What secret is possessed in this summary that they could not observe on their own and see it was too long and change it?' They might continue to ponder. The good summary writer knows that it is blasphemous to proof-read their own writing.

HIT UP YOUR READERS FOR REVIEWS.

In the summary, along with not-summarizing your story, you must put in the plea- R/R. This asking- kind ad quiet, makes you seem less presumptuous than just demanding 'review'. Plus, it adds the necessary humility that states you understand that they must read before they can review.

I hope you have enjoyed these rules for successful summary writing, and I hope they help you write a successfully obscure review.

Next week, we shall dive into the mysteries of the formulaic Frodo/Sam slash, also compliments of my new friend, EekFrenzy. BTW, I love that name. ^_^

::Gets dragged away to Room 101 for her '1984' references::

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Oboebyrd: Look, ma! I'm taunting Elves! ::Pokes Haldir in the ear with a carrot::