Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction
I know I promised a Frodo/Sam slash thing up next! I'm working on it… REALLY. I'm searching out F/S on the web, and reading it. As that is not something I ever wanted to read before, it is a long, hard process, and help would be appreciated. Hint hint!
Thanks to all the reviewers who have given me wondrous ideas! I'll try to use them all!
But first, a solemn topic from the depths of my heart… (Only thought of thanks to Animefanficgrl- thanks!)
Chapter 5: Milking Reviews
In the world of fanfiction, there is only one thing that keeps the good writer going: Reviews. The good writer KNOWS that there is no gain in just the enjoyment of stories. Others must read, and review.
It is important that you milk as many reviews out of each story you write as possible. Below, we will give you some hints on how to provide as many reviews on your story as you can.
In Chapter 4, we gave you this helpful hint: HIT UP YOUR READERS FOR REVIEWS. It is very important you follow this rule! Place a demand for reading and reviewing in your summary, and the reviewers will come… they will come.
2.) Threaten to stop posting until desired number of reviews is met.
At the top of each chapter, insert a quota for the number of reviews you require before the story will continue. Preferably, the number should be between 5 and 15 per chapter. If you ask for too many reviews, such as 50, then you will make your readers think you are stuck up, and you will get no reviews at all. If you go too small, such as 4, then you will have someone simply write 'good' for a review. It is a precise and calculated science. Depending on the type of fiction and where you 'leave the story off', you can determine the number of reviews to demand.
NOTE: It is VERY important not to post before you get the desired number of reviews. If you do, the readers will believe you simply enjoy writing, and not struggle to fit your quota the next chapter.
3.) Offer cookies, dolls, or other prizes. Have no intention of delivering them.
To milk reviews from your readers, offer them rewards for reviewing. These rewards must seem small and frivolous, but be very desirable. Do not go too overboard in your falsely promised gifts, however. Ponies and a seaside ranch are not acceptable. Simply offer small gifts- cookies, hugs, inflatable chairs…
Of course, if you receive complaints about your reviewers not receiving what they desired, your answer to them is simple- 'It was a metaphorical gift.'
The good fanfiction writer knows that inflatable chairs can not be metaphorical. But, the good fanfiction writer also knows how to fool the reviewers into getting what they promised.
4.) Beg
This is, by far, the most effective way to milk reviews from your readers. The phrase, 'Come on, why won't ne of u review my stuff it's good and I know u wanna r/r 4 me' is paramount. Other, less common phrases, 'Plz r/r' or 'Read and Review!' are also common. What is important, in proper begging for reviews, is the mixture of begs, threats, gifts, and summary usage. You may appear pitiful enough to receive a few reviews regardless of the thoughts of the reader.
It is, after all, all that writing fanfiction is for. For reviews, and lots of them!
I hope you have enjoyed these rules to proper Milking for Reviews. It is important you follow these rules in order to glean the only joy there is from writing- receiving unbiased, mostly thoughtless praise from total strangers.
Next chapter: Probably F/S slash. If not, something completely different…
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Oboebyrd: But I like reviews. Really. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE them… I just don't beg for them, 'cause it never works, at least not for me. Hey! I'm averaging 1.27 reviews per chapter in my stories! It's not bad!